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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be offended if your spouse did this?

613 replies

PiecesOfPie · 30/11/2020 12:28

I am an only child, my parents have quite a large estate which is in trust. I am the sole beneficiary of this (with them life time beneficiaries). The amount would be quite substantial.

My husband and I share one DC, he has 2 with his ex partner.

I have not yet discussed the situation with a solicitor but I want to broach the subject with DH and then get legal advice for when this happens. As far as I am aware, there are times when inheritance can be viewed as a marital asset in the case of separation?

I'd like to see a solicitor about essentially ring fencing this so that it can be left solely in my will to our 1 DC only. Essentially, I don't want any of the funds going to my husband and then onto my step children if we were to ever divorce.

Would you be insulted if your spouse suggested this to you? Yes it would mean that our DC would have the chance to inherit a lot more than my SC but it would be from me (my parents really), not their dad.

I must admit I'm not hugely clued up on all the rules and law surrounding this sort of thing and to clarify I have not yet sought any legal advice so this is entirely hypothetical right now.

OP posts:
user1471538283 · 30/11/2020 17:39

I've made it very clear to my DS that any money I leave him is to be ring fenced for him and his children. I think its reasonable. I'm sure a lawyer could ring fence this money for you. It is up to your DH to sort out with his ex what the other children get

KumquatSalad · 30/11/2020 17:40

@Cheeseandwin5

So let me flip this and see if ppl still think the same. Lets assume there was no wealthy GP's and the DW mum got ill and need money for an operation. Would the DH be within his rights to say ' Ahh I am so sorry about your DM, but all our money is for ourselves and our kids. If you want to help out your DM you will need to get the funds from elsewhere. Can I assume that those agreeing with the OP would also agree with the DH stance?
It’s not even a vaguely comparable situation.
Youseethethingis · 30/11/2020 17:41

Ahh I am so sorry about your DM, but all our money is for ourselves and our kids. If you want to help out your DM you will need to get the funds from elsewhere.
Can I assume that those agreeing with the OP would also agree with the DH stance?
Let’s just flip it again. I’d pay any amount of money to save DSDs actual life, if needed, but I’ll be damned if I’m giving her an equal share of money that’s come to me from my parents and grandparents. My job is to look out for my son (which I would say saving his sister would fall under the header of) and DSDs mum and dads job to make any financial provision they may wish to for their own daughters future. This isn’t hard to grasp.

HouseHunter2021 · 30/11/2020 18:10

This thread is just another one that makes me think MN’s are on a different planet than the rest of us.

How hard is it to understand? The OP’s parents, have nothing to do with her DSC, they are not their grandparents. Why on earth should OP’s stepchildren inherit anything from these people? That would be like me expecting something from my sisters grandparents estate. They’re not my family (even though I was brought up round about them and we were close). I didn’t expect anything and I didn’t get anything when they passed away.

Similarly, my DP has a daughter from his marriage, should she expect to get something when my mother passes away? Even though they’re not related in any way at all?

flaviaritt · 30/11/2020 18:26

Why on earth should OP’s stepchildren inherit anything from these people?

If that were the issue, the OP wouldn’t need anyone to change the trust. It’s not. It’s why should they inherit from the OP? And the answer (to me) is that she willingly formed that family, her eyes wide open. I don’t think what she is going to do is absolutely disgusting or anything, but it is definitely not what I would do, and that’s why.

flaviaritt · 30/11/2020 18:27

I’ve made it very clear to my DS that any money I leave him is to be ring fenced for him and his children. I think its reasonable.

I think it’s weird. He can’t use your money to enhance the life him and his wife have made together once you’re dead? Why not?

RealBecca · 30/11/2020 18:34

This isn't a big deal. Just book a solicitor and tell them what you are worried about. Candidly. Because there could be a world of difference in their advice between "just doing a will" vs "protect the assets".

Whatever it is, you aren't legally obliged to discuss it with your husband so just dont bring it up.

Original poster
PiecesOfPie · 30/11/2020 19:06

So let me flip this and see if ppl still think the same.Lets assume there was no wealthy GP's and the DW mum got ill and need money for an operation. Would the DH be within his rights to say ' Ahh I am so sorry about your DM, but all our money is for ourselves and our kids. If you want to help out your DM you will need to get the funds from elsewhere.Can I assume that those agreeing with the OP would also agree with the DH stance?

I have no idea in what way this is comparable. There is no need to flip anything or use any whataboutery regarding sick mothers and so on... the situation involved is the one I've posted about, not some random work of fiction you've thought up in your head which doesn't sound remotely the same.

OP posts:
OneRingToRuleThemAll · 30/11/2020 19:07

I've done exactly this, but with my money not my parents. I came into a marriage with 2 children and a house. The house is left to the children in trust, DH has a lifetime interest. Sideways disinheritance is real and I have protected my children from that.

Spelunking · 30/11/2020 19:09

I think you should discuss it first with your parents to see what they would like to happen with their estate in the long term. I do think you need to discuss/inform DH before any legalities change. I wouldn’t be offended by this if I was him but I suppose it depends on what he’s like in general. I don’t find it unfair as you’ll be splitting your joint assets.

Original poster
PiecesOfPie · 30/11/2020 19:11

I think you should discuss it first with your parents

Yes it would be my parents decision ultimately of course, I'd just be discussing with them that I'd prefer if they included DC in the trust or bypassed me completely in favour of DC. If they don't want to do that then it can stay how it is, it's their decision.

OP posts:
davekim · 30/11/2020 19:23

I never asked DH about his inheritance from his GP. It was his money to do with what he wished and I never even considered it my or our money.

HouseHunter2021 · 30/11/2020 19:40

@flaviaritt that’s good for you but OP has already said numerous times that her blended family doesn’t really go along the lines of the traditional blended family. She hasn’t brought DSC up since they were very small, they don’t see her as a mother and it doesn’t sound like they have spent much time with her parents. So again, I don’t think the stepchildren should benefit from an inheritance from people that they have no relationship with. Whether the money goes to the OP first or not. She’s already stated that they will inherit from her and her husband, I’m assuming equally. But I can see why she wouldn’t want her family’s money going to people that aren’t in that family.

VeniceQueen2004 · 30/11/2020 19:50

It doesn’t mean she also has to leave them money which comes from another “stream” as it were.

Doesn't mean she has to; but if she cared about them, why wouldn't she want to? Why the urge to privilege her own DC in such a material way that will have a major impact on all their lives and relationships?

Sometimes it really is just money. There are more important things (or I think so). Possibly because my family historically hasn't had a pot to piss in Grin but honestly the bridges people will burn and the knots they will tie themselves in over inheritance and money always boggles my mind.

VeniceQueen2004 · 30/11/2020 19:53

e.g. when my mother died she left her (peppercorn) estate to me and my sister, but named me as executor and directed it to go 2 thirds to me and 1 third to my sister (due to her having in recent years perceived me as the more dutiful daughter eyeroll). I paid no attention whatsoever to this and split it between the two of us equally - both of us were a bit more concerned with having recently and unexpectedly lost our mother, and being able to lean on and support each other, than in indulging her game-playing from beyond the grave. I'm pretty certain if it had been the other way about my sister would have done the same. Because it's just money.

flaviaritt · 30/11/2020 20:14

that’s good for you but OP has already said numerous times that her blended family doesn’t really go along the lines of the traditional blended family.

I know. I am expressing an opinion on hers, not the ‘traditional’ type of family. In my opinion, it’s actually wrong to create a family if you aren’t going to treat the people in it like family.

I accept she disagrees.

BlankProfile · 30/11/2020 20:37

After MIL died, my PIL married someone much younger than him with 2 DC. A lot of the money in DH's family came down through MIL's side. We expect FIL will die before his new wife, so all of MIL's family money will be left to the new wife and her family. My DH will not see a penny of his mum's money - it will all go to two people outside MIL's family.
And that's not what his mum would have wanted.
We would never say anything to PIL, but I know it upsets my DH.

So I think OP is doing the right thing.

Nanny0gg · 30/11/2020 20:44

@PiecesOfPie

But what about your husband if you go first?

What about my husband? We have our own assets which he would get from me.

I'm talking separately about my parents estate which I want to leave to our DC.

Our estate/property/finances whatever would go solely to him on my death as it stands right now.

So are you saying you want your parents to bypass you and pass the trust straight to your children?

Not unreasonable. But if you do benefit from it surely it would affect your husband?

Nanny0gg · 30/11/2020 20:47

@user1471538283

I've made it very clear to my DS that any money I leave him is to be ring fenced for him and his children. I think its reasonable. I'm sure a lawyer could ring fence this money for you. It is up to your DH to sort out with his ex what the other children get
If you leave it to your DS and you are dead, you get no say.
ILoveAnOwl · 30/11/2020 21:29

I've done this. I'm not having my husband pisdung the money up the wall before the kids get it. He doesn't know this is how the money is being left...

Original poster
PiecesOfPie · 30/11/2020 21:29

So are you saying you want your parents to bypass you and pass the trust straight to your children?

Yes.

OP posts:
Youseethethingis · 30/11/2020 21:35

In my opinion, it’s actually wrong to create a family if you aren’t going to treat the people in it like family
I have many family members who are not in my will. It doesn’t mean I don’t love them or that they aren’t family, it just means that I am not financially responsible for them 🤷‍♀️

flaviaritt · 30/11/2020 21:42

I have many family members who are not in my will. It doesn’t mean I don’t love them or that they aren’t family, it just means that I am not financially responsible for them 🤷‍♀️

But I assume you did not choose to form a family with them in it whether they liked it or not? They just are relatives of yours?

Youseethethingis · 30/11/2020 21:51

What does choice have to do with it? I married my husband and because I chose a man with a mother his mother is now my mother? His brother is now my brother? His child is now my child? And I owe them all a slice of the money my late grandparents invested for me, their only grand daughter, when I was born?
Nah.

FortunesFave · 30/11/2020 21:55

I would not be offended. It's easy for me to say that I suppose...I'm not in the situation. But it seems right to me...why should your parent's money go to his DC? I might sweeten the sting by setting aside a small amount to be left directly to his children or to him...as a gesture.