Would you be offended if your spouse did this?

[PiecesOfPie]

I am an only child, my parents have quite a large estate which is in trust. I am the sole beneficiary of this (with them life time beneficiaries). The amount would be quite substantial.

My husband and I share one DC, he has 2 with his ex partner.

I have not yet discussed the situation with a solicitor but I want to broach the subject with DH and then get legal advice for when this happens. As far as I am aware, there are times when inheritance can be viewed as a marital asset in the case of separation?

I'd like to see a solicitor about essentially ring fencing this so that it can be left solely in my will to our 1 DC only. Essentially, I don't want any of the funds going to my husband and then onto my step children if we were to ever divorce.

Would you be insulted if your spouse suggested this to you? Yes it would mean that our DC would have the chance to inherit a lot more than my SC but it would be from me (my parents really), not their dad.

I must admit I'm not hugely clued up on all the rules and law surrounding this sort of thing and to clarify I have not yet sought any legal advice so this is entirely hypothetical right now.

@flaviaritt so in your opinion step children should not only inherit from both set of their own grandparents but also from the step parents own parents? you really think that they should benefit from three set of grandparents while their siblings will only inherit from two? you can treat the step children well and love them without leaving money that came from your own blood family to them

My Aunt had no children of her own, she left her substantial property in trust for my niece's 2 dear children with my niece having lifetime enjoyment of the house. She did it this way as she did not trust nieces DH and did not want my niece to give her two step children a quarter of house each. She did leave the 2 step children £5k each.

Op, you have gotten some good nuggets of advice.

1. Speak to your DH, have an open conversation about what you are thinking.

1. Speak to your parents, let them know what you are thinking.

1. If possible, speak to your parents solicitor with your parents and get real legal advice on your options and either have their trust written in a way to protect the assets for your DC or to write your trust in a way that protects the assets.

1. At the same time get advice on how to structure your combined assets with DH to protect your assets for your combined family. (Obviously do this step with your DH)

Honestly this is not a difficult thing! Discretionary Trust structures provide for this anyway.

I’d be taking more active steps during their life if there’s lots of money. Offshore reversionary trust springs to mind. Chartered IFA with AF1 and specialising in intergenerational planning. STEP qualified solicitor.

so in your opinion step children should not only inherit from both set of their own grandparents but also from the step parents own parents

I’ve no idea whether they would or not. Just as the OP has no idea whether her DSC will inherit from theirs. Let’s not pretend this is about fairness.

What does choice have to do with it? I married my husband and because I chose a man with a mother his mother is now my mother? His brother is now my brother? His child is now my child?

Not his older relatives, no, but kids don’t have a choice, so yes. You are bringing them into your family unit. Therefore, in my opinion (with which you are free to disagree) you owe them the same treatment as your own kids. I don’t include situations where they never had to live with you.

Not his older relatives, no, but kids don’t have a choice, so yes. You are bringing them into your family unit
None of them had a choice, DOB doesn’t come into it, and I said, you don’t become in any way responsible for someone else’s kids through marriage. Just birth or adoption. Which kids also don’t have a choice in.
I’d rather my son gets what’s his rightfully as my only living child then decides to split it with his sister if he so chooses, than take his choice away from him, give it to her, then watch as she inherits from every which direction while DS only has me.
That’s his choice and my choice to give him that choice. DSD isn’t really entitled to a choice here. It’s not her family money, regardless of who her dad married.

DOB doesn’t come into it,

Of course it does. Please don’t pretend a child (who has no choice about where they live or who they have to spend time with) is in the same position as your in-laws, who can just cut you out if they don’t like you. Children are legally dependent on adults. You can pretend otherwise and keep your “family money” for your own child while forcing other children into your family unit, sure, and I can think that’s wrong.

I think you have the answer already on here. My family estate is bypassing us straight to our children, no step children involved however the principle is the same.

but simplest is to bypass you and straight to your child. However do seek advice from a solicitor and an accountant you might also want to tax plan at the same time.

I think those who are giving you a hard time on here don't really understand, you are describing an issue specific to family wealth.

Yanbu. And perfectly sensible by keeping what is meant for you and your child just for that. The SC are no relation at all to your parents or to you - why on earth should they be included in this. Are their grandparents going to include your DC in their will? Definitely not.
Don't even make this a discussion with your dh as it will make you sound guilty of something. Seek legal advice, speak to your parents and then tell your dh that this will be the situation.

The SC are no relation at all to your parents or to you

This is an awful attitude, it really is. They’re children she invited into her family. So in what sense are they now ‘unrelated’ because money is involved?

@flaviaritt

The SC are no relation at all to your parents or to you

This is an awful attitude, it really is. They’re children she invited into her family. So in what sense are they now ‘unrelated’ because money is involved?

So do you think the OP would see the step kids if her and her DP broke up? Of course not, they are only a part of her family while their father is. It’s not the same at all and they are not grandkids to OPs parents.

The inheritance is nothing to do with the SC, they have their own side of the family.

So do you think the OP would see the step kids if her and her DP broke up?

That’s irrelevant, since they’re not divorcing and that isn’t the AIBU. This is an existing family that the OP chose to create.

@flaviaritt

So do you think the OP would see the step kids if her and her DP broke up?

That’s irrelevant, since they’re not divorcing and that isn’t the AIBU. This is an existing family that the OP chose to create.

And it’s the OPs parent’s inheritance that is being discussed. The grandparents are completely unrelated to the step kids and did not chose to bring them into their family.

38DegreesToday

But again, that is why the OP is having to consider deliberately alienating this money from herself in order to ringfence it. She needs to keep it away from herself in order to make the argument you just made: that it is nothing to do with her DH or his children. So, therefore, it clearly is, or she wouldn’t need to take steps.

YANBU OP. I have no DCs, DH has one, who for various reasons I'm not very close to. No heinous back story, no evil stepmother nonsense, just age, distance etc. I think DSS has met my parents once.

I stand to potentially inherit a reasonable sum of money from my side (although it could all go on cruises and care home fees before then, who knows!), and if that does happen I'll be putting something in place to make sure that money goes back to my DB or my DNs if I then died before DH.

My parents would be mortified if they thought that 'their' money would eventually end up with someone they had met once!

I'm fond of my DSS but I don't see it as my responsibility to set him up financially for life.

DH is fully aware of all this, and wasn't offended (just a bit confused about trusts etc!), he agrees it's down to him and ex-W to provide their child's inheritance.

Children are legally dependent on adults
No, children are legally dependent on their parents. That’s all.
I don’t and never will think of DSD as my child any more than my mother in law is my mother, or indeed any more than she thinks of me as her mother. I didn’t choose her any more than she chose me. We are in each other’s lives through our link to DH.
I don’t understand your obsession with choice. Kids don’t get to choose lots of things in life, and aren’t handed other people’s money to compensate them.

No, children are legally dependent on their parents. That’s all.

And when their parents freely choose to marry, the adults brought into the family take on a duty of care. If they feel they can’t, they shouldn’t be getting married.

Honestly, why bother marrying and dragging young people through this if this is the way you feel? Just go out for a pizza, FGS. Get a hotel room.

@flaviaritt

38DegreesToday

But again, that is why the OP is having to consider deliberately alienating this money from herself in order to ringfence it. She needs to keep it away from herself in order to make the argument you just made: that it is nothing to do with her DH or his children. So, therefore, it clearly is, or she wouldn’t need to take steps.

Why is that your argument? As OP has said, she is already financially comfortable so it does not need to be a consideration. She does not need the money to fund a lifestyle with her DP. But later, it should be her child that benefits from their grandparents funds, not children the grandparents are completely unrelated to.

Why is that your argument?

Because it is the truth.

As OP has said, she is already financially comfortable so it does not need to be a consideration.

And yet it is.

I think it is quite sad that you want to create what will end up being a chasm between your child and their siblings at a time potentially they all will be at their most vulnerable. You child will already feel a bit of an outsider being an only child and them a pair.
In our will I have stipulated that in the event of DH death I will treat (now grown up) DSS as my own child in terms of my estate even if I were to remarry. I would make that's very clear to
my new partner. Apart this is because I love my DSS (though different my from my own DC) and in part because I want nothing to jeopardize they're incredibly important relationship with each other. I watched how an imbalanced inheritance how much the dynamics in my father's own family. With stepchildren being made to feel lesser.

If you are not in a blended family it is very difficult to understand the emotions involved. Step children generally have their own parents and grandparents as well as step parents. It is not expected that grandparents would pass their inheritance onto step children if parents are still around.

@flaviaritt

Why is that your argument?

Because it is the truth.

As OP has said, she is already financially comfortable so it does not need to be a consideration.

And yet it is.

@flaviaritt I think the OP is being very fair, and we will have to agree to disagree. One thing I’ve learnt about mumsnet is it’s a forum for views that can be very polarised, and this thread is definitely one of those. When it comes down to it, we all have to do what we think is best for our own situation.

38DegreesToday

True!

This is an awful attitude, it really is. They’re children she invited into her family. So in what sense are they now ‘unrelated’ because money is involved?

Because it is not OP’s money, it’s her parents leaving it to her upon their death. Her parents are not close to OP’s stepchildren and vice versa. The stepchildren have not grown up with them as their grandparents and likely have their own from their mother and father. These stepchildren are older than 10 if I remember correctly. Her parents have only her and that is where they want their money to go. If they want it to go to their daughter’s stepchildren that they aren’t close to they would have written that in. OP want to pass her inheritance to her child, their grandchild, the one they know and have a connection to and who they would pass onto anyway if they didn’t give it to OP.

Also, why does it have to be fair? Life isn’t fair. Those stepchildren don’t have a relationship with her parents so because they’re related to their grandchild, they should get money too. That’s ridiculous.