Would you be offended if your spouse did this?

[PiecesOfPie]

I am an only child, my parents have quite a large estate which is in trust. I am the sole beneficiary of this (with them life time beneficiaries). The amount would be quite substantial.

My husband and I share one DC, he has 2 with his ex partner.

I have not yet discussed the situation with a solicitor but I want to broach the subject with DH and then get legal advice for when this happens. As far as I am aware, there are times when inheritance can be viewed as a marital asset in the case of separation?

I'd like to see a solicitor about essentially ring fencing this so that it can be left solely in my will to our 1 DC only. Essentially, I don't want any of the funds going to my husband and then onto my step children if we were to ever divorce.

Would you be insulted if your spouse suggested this to you? Yes it would mean that our DC would have the chance to inherit a lot more than my SC but it would be from me (my parents really), not their dad.

I must admit I'm not hugely clued up on all the rules and law surrounding this sort of thing and to clarify I have not yet sought any legal advice so this is entirely hypothetical right now.

I'm not saying they do, OP. But even so, your DSC are siblings to your DC, so there is a bond between them, even if your parents don't have that connection.

And I do think it shows a lack of trust in your DH to do the right thing, if you've talked it through together. Surely he would respect your wishes? Obviously if the relationship doesn't work out and you divorce you'll have to rethink this but as it stands surely you're a partnership?

@workshy44

I know a v v wealthy family where the mother died and the father remarried v v quickly. I think he was lonely and the person was pretty opportunistic as she had been the wife's carer I think. He then dies v soon after the wedding and she inherited everything. She then left everything to her kids, family home etc - nothing to his kids who were effectively completely disinherited It was terrible. I really don't understand why people with kids remarry, where I am from you can't disinherit a spouse so things like these definitely need to be sorted out ASAP.

This happened to dearest friend. Business built up over 25 years with her mother. Mother dies very quickly. He re married within 12 months, a much younger with 3 children. He deeply regretted his haste within 2 years, she wasn't a nice woman. Within 10 years he was dead and my 18 year old friend was encouraged to leave home promptly. My friend loved her parents deeply, but she knows her mother would have been devastated at what occurred. No fool like an old fool.

OP, wills are of critical importance to ensure your wishes are followed.

I think that any discussion involving the words “if we were to divorce” is likely to be upsetting and DH may not take it well. It’s a bit like asking for a prenup, except after the wedding 😬 Do you really have to discuss it with DH at all?

Suggest you get your parents to sort it out with a lawyer and perhaps you don’t need to be involved much at all except as helping parents.

If the trust has been properly set up then I’d be amazed if an ex husband’s children could benefit but who knows.

That's fine I suppose , but what if her DSD treat her and care for as if they are family. Whose to say her DC will do the same?

True. Or her DH could leave his inheritance to their joint DC, then her parents could disinherit her and leave it all to the cats’ home. There’s very little certainty in such things, IME.

Yes I know they're half siblings not full siblings in case I get called out on this. But half siblings can have a genuine bond. (Although I get that as they're much older it may not work out this way.)

Going from your original question...
Would you be offended if your spouse did this?
The simple answer is some would, some wouldn't. More aptly is, will your spouse be offended and we can't say.
Its entirely up to you and your parents. If there is no relationship with the SC to risk then I don't see the problem. There may be an issue with your husbands relationship with your parents if he doesn't agree but then that's just tough, lots of people don't get on with the in-laws.

I think the rules on this depend where you live. I’m in Scotland where inheritance isn’t considered a marital asset unless you invest it in your home etc

I think it's totally fine.

Your child inherits from your and your DH.

Your stepkids inherit from your DH and their mum.

Not sure why anyone would expect them to also get inheritance from you?

I wouldn't be offended at all, look out for yourself and your daughter.

YANBU at all. No legal advice to offer, but I don't think what your intending to do is wrong.

I would be worried if my spouse was offended in these circumstances
Some people are absolutely bonkers on this thread. It would be one thing if the other parent was not involved and she had brought them up from a v young age but that is simply not the case here. You can be damned sure if the shoe was on the other foot it wouldn't happen
Money changes EVERYONE .. they literally cannot help themselves. You die and leave everything to him hoping he does the right thing thing. Highly unlucky in the v likely event of a new wife on the scene. Even then I have seen so many people behave so badly around money.. especially when it is a life changing sum. I would get this locked down now, absolutely no reason for him to be offended at all

@Mittens030869

Yes I know they're half siblings not full siblings in case I get called out on this. But half siblings can have a genuine bond. (Although I get that as they're much older it may not work out this way.)

Having a genuine bond doesn’t change the fact that there will always be material differences in their lives though.

@flaviaritt

The end of the day they aren't her children and never will be

Factually true, but I would never, ever force my kids to live with a person who thought of them like this.

You may not get a choice.

Not thinking of them as ‘your children’ isn’t the same as being horrible to them though. They just aren’t anyone else’s children but you and your DH.

My DS’a stepmum isn’t his mum. She doesn’t think he’s her child. It doesn’t stop them having a lovely relationship.

Nor do I think she should leave her assets to him in her will. Or ask her parents to do the same. He’s got a mother, father (and grandparents) for that. If his SM wants to leave her estate to a donkey sanctuary, or her best friend or whatever, that’s totally her choice.

@Bibidy

I think it's totally fine.

Your child inherits from your and your DH.

Your stepkids inherit from your DH and their mum.

Not sure why anyone would expect them to also get inheritance from you?

Because this is mumsnet where people feel the need to suspend reality and parrot the myth that all kids of a blended family must be treated exactly the same. No matter how old they were when they came into the blended family or what their relationship is with their any of the adults involved. You as step mum (and your family) shouldn’t differentiate in any way except when it comes to actual parenting of course as you can’t tread on step children’s mums toes.

@Sexnotgender

YANBU at all. Your child will inherit from you and your husband.

Your step children will inherit from your husband and their mum.

Why should the step children inherit from their parents AND you?

@Sexnotgender, It does happen. A relative of mine moved in with her step father (and Mum!) when she was three, and was treated as his daughter. When he died he left his quite substantial estate, including a thriving business, to her Mum, who was his 2nd wife, and his children from his 1st marriage. They got 25% each, her Mum got 50%. Which seemed fair until her mum died not long afterwards, and my relative, being an only child, got everything, so then she owned 50% of his estate, and his natural children only had 25% each. It made for very awkward shareholder meetings!

You may not get a choice.

Why wouldn’t I get a choice?

@flaviaritt

You may not get a choice.

Why wouldn’t I get a choice?

I'm assuming PP meant if your exH remarried, you wouldn't get a choice in how their SM thought of them/what they left to them etc...

People here are so ridiculous about blended families and inheritance.

I am from a blended family. All my half siblings (from both my parents) have inherited millions (literally) from their sides of their families.

It has never crossed anyone’s mind that they should share it with me. Why would it? They had their grandparents, I had mine. Some were shared, some were not.

It is simply the luck of the draw that the shared ones were not the wealthy ones.

My DSis has a DSS from her DH’s previous marriage and we all treat him the same as the 3 DC they’ve had together. My DM is ‘Granny’ to him as well.

I would place money that there are a lot of families who thought their families were 100% like this in day-to-day life, but then found out later through wills that there definitely still was differentiation in the eyes of the grandparents.

I wonder if your sister will find the same ... ?

PiecesOfPie

Oh right. No, I know I don’t get a choice about what my ex does.

@Sexnotgender, It does happen. A relative of mine moved in with her step father (and Mum!) when she was three, and was treated as his daughter. When he died he left his quite substantial estate, including a thriving business, to her Mum, who was his 2nd wife, and his children from his 1st marriage. They got 25% each, her Mum got 50%. Which seemed fair until her mum died not long afterwards, and my relative, being an only child, got everything, so then she owned 50% of his estate, and his natural children only had 25% each. It made for very awkward shareholder meetings!

I think this is a big problem of this sort of planning - it makes a huge difference how long the other spouse lives (and, of course, whether they remarry, etc.), but that's obviously unknown. That looked very unreasonable because they died close together - but if her mum had lived for 20/30 years longer then it might have felt unfair that she was the only one of her dad's children who had no share of his business. And more so still if her mum had sold her share and spent all the money, or remarried and left it all to her spouse. Ring-fencing it all also looks so much less realistic if there's a big gap - if Mary died in 1991, is it really fair that Fred should continue to keep a tally of what was her money so it only goes to her children on his own death?

@flaviaritt

You may not get a choice.

Why wouldn’t I get a choice?

If your DH leaves you (or you die), you don’t get a choice in who he lives with. And, by extension, who your children live with alongside their father.

You cannot withhold contact, for example, because you’re annoyed their SM doesn’t love them like you do.

I am in this situation, in the country I live in (not UK) you cannot disinherit a child. (ex you cannot leave your money to a cat home & nothing to your children.) however an inheritance is not part of the matrimonial joint pot.
I am leaving my inheritance to my 2 children, & not my step son. (who I have seen about twice a year since I got together with his father, when he was aged 7) I have bought a property, it will go to my 2 DC.
Half our family home, belongs to me, bought with my inheritance, my half will go to my DC
My husband's half of the house will go to all 3 DC (we/he has property/investments that will be divided by 3, )

This money has been handed down through generations from my family, I feel no guilt in it staying that way. It is my Dad's legacy to me.

OP I think you are right to look after your parents' inheritance. I too have the same situation. DH had an older DD when we met - think secondary school age. She is now a single parent to 3 school aged children but chooses to not work. DH and I have 3 DC age between 10 and 13. I love my SD very much but my parents barely know her so why should their money that they have worked for all their lives go to her? It's a difficult decision but I think you are making the right one by bypassing you and the inheritance going straight to DC

As another side of the coin

Im the stepchild who wont get inheritance from my stepmother. My sister will get around £45k from her mum.

Its fine, i feel no resentment. The money was given to stepmum after her mum dies (medical negligence).
I see it as not mine to get pissy about tbh.
We are all in council houses with low paying jobs so it would be a substantial amount for any of us but its not my windfall.

Anything in my dad and step mums wills outside of that money is split between us- not that its much. My dad has a few things from his mother, keepsakes and his oarents wedding rings ect rather than money and they go solely to me as they are from his family.