Would you be offended if your spouse did this?

[PiecesOfPie]

I am an only child, my parents have quite a large estate which is in trust. I am the sole beneficiary of this (with them life time beneficiaries). The amount would be quite substantial.

My husband and I share one DC, he has 2 with his ex partner.

I have not yet discussed the situation with a solicitor but I want to broach the subject with DH and then get legal advice for when this happens. As far as I am aware, there are times when inheritance can be viewed as a marital asset in the case of separation?

I'd like to see a solicitor about essentially ring fencing this so that it can be left solely in my will to our 1 DC only. Essentially, I don't want any of the funds going to my husband and then onto my step children if we were to ever divorce.

Would you be insulted if your spouse suggested this to you? Yes it would mean that our DC would have the chance to inherit a lot more than my SC but it would be from me (my parents really), not their dad.

I must admit I'm not hugely clued up on all the rules and law surrounding this sort of thing and to clarify I have not yet sought any legal advice so this is entirely hypothetical right now.

I can think what I like.
Yes, you can. But I do think your tone on this thread has been very “off” shall we say.

@flaviaritt

Yeah and the point is you could remarry with every best intention in the world but it still doesn't always work out the way you've wrote it. Because it isn't just down to you.

Of course. But that’s about being unable, not unwilling.

Right and I'd say 9 out 10 people who are with partners who have children go into that situation with the best intentions, but as you say, are unable to create the blended family you have conjured up in your mind as the perfect one due to lots and lots of different things. Ergo... They are all different.

It’s always mind boggling when someone with no experience comes on and tells everyone how they’d do it sooooo much better.

I don’t see why it boggles your mind. Surely every person on here speaking from the perspective of a member of a blended family didn’t fail to do what I am doing now: think about their intentions beforehand and decide on the situation in which they will or won’t remarry? It cannot be the case (can it?) that all these people frothing about my presumption in doing so just... wandered into their second marriages without thinking about the children in their new families?

*That's your parents. So your dad too.

If your step mother received money from her parents and used that to pay her child's house deposit, would you still think 'but they didn't do that for any of us?!'.*

If my stepmum received money from her parents I'd assume it would go into her and my dad's joint funds. Just as when my mum died I put the money I got from her estate into me and DP's joint savings. Isn't that what you do when you're a family?

@flaviaritt

It’s always mind boggling when someone with no experience comes on and tells everyone how they’d do it sooooo much better.

I don’t see why it boggles your mind. Surely every person on here speaking from the perspective of a member of a blended family didn’t fail to do what I am doing now: think about their intentions beforehand and decide on the situation in which they will or won’t remarry? It cannot be the case (can it?) that all these people frothing about my presumption in doing so just... wandered into their second marriages without thinking about the children in their new families?

And those people will know that it doesn't always work out the way you've pictured and why.

Right and I'd say 9 out 10 people who are with partners who have children go into that situation with the best intentions, but as you say, are unable to create the blended family you have conjured up in your mind as the perfect one due to lots and lots of different things. Ergo... They are all different.

That’s irrelevant. If you don’t have good intentions, don’t do it. If, given that you do have good intentions (the intention to offer the same love and commitment to your stepchildren as to your real children), but you realise that might not always work exactly as you envisaged, then so what? That doesn’t prevent you sharing resources with them as per your best intentions, does it?

And those people will know that it doesn't always work out the way you've pictured and why.

You’ll have to help me out here. You seem to be implying that it is beyond the OP’s control. She can’t (in spite of her wishes) treat her stepchildren like her children. But we all know she could if she wanted to. She just doesn’t.

So why is this relevant?

If my stepmum received money from her parents I'd assume it would go into her and my dad's joint funds. Just as when my mum died I put the money I got from her estate into me and DP's joint savings. Isn't that what you do when you're a family?

Clearly not everyone thinks the same as you.

Even if it did go into joint funds, if the parents had intended to use it on the kids, it still wouldn't surprise me that the majority of it was spent on the child that actually had a relationship with the person who'd left it i.e. the grandparents.

And no, I'd say money left to my step mother by her parents who I didn't know would be hers to do with what she pleased. That would be my view on it personally.

Oh yay, another flaviaritt thread.

But I do think your tone on this thread has been very “off” shall we say.

And I think I have simply spoken about what I think is right and wrong.

Oh yay, another flaviaritt thread.

Hardly my fault if people keep @ing me.

@flaviaritt

And those people will know that it doesn't always work out the way you've pictured and why.

You’ll have to help me out here. You seem to be implying that it is beyond the OP’s control. She can’t (in spite of her wishes) treat her stepchildren like her children. But we all know she could if she wanted to. She just doesn’t.

So why is this relevant?

No I'm implying that it may be a reason why OP doesn't see the children as equal to her own, in this particular scenario when talking about her parents estate. Because it's never the relationship she's had with them. The reasons for that could be plenty.

I had this conversation with my husband about the property that I brought into our marriage, which I want to go to my daughter only. We had the conversation in the context of me dying first and him having more children with someone else and he totally got it. But he is very pragmatic too - it's one of the things I love about him

Completely different. You are trying to protect your money from being divvied up between children you have nothing to do with who don't even exist; not children who you knew all about when you decided to commit to them (by marrying their father and having them live in your home).

Well it's a bit like someone without kids telling you how much better they'd parent than you isn't it.

A bit. But if someone without kids thinks it’s wrong to slap kids, my response isn’t going to be “Come back when you have kids!” Because I’m not an idiot and I realise they can sensibly form a view about what is acceptable to them even if they don’t have kids.

Although frankly I think it's a bit bonkers to want to have that much control over things when you're actually dead.

@flaviaritt

Well it's a bit like someone without kids telling you how much better they'd parent than you isn't it.

A bit. But if someone without kids thinks it’s wrong to slap kids, my response isn’t going to be “Come back when you have kids!” Because I’m not an idiot and I realise they can sensibly form a view about what is acceptable to them even if they don’t have kids.

Yeah let's not compare this situation with child abuse shall we.

No I'm implying that it may be a reason why OP doesn't see the children as equal to her own...

But she controls that. She can decide, as the person about to marry a man with kids... that she is willing to treat them as her own. She just... wasn’t. So now how it that an excuse for...itself? It’s not.

@flaviaritt

But I do think your tone on this thread has been very “off” shall we say.

And I think I have simply spoken about what I think is right and wrong.

At great great length with no experience and with an inability to understand that your Pollyanna view of the world is unrealistic and in many cases undesirable for all parties involved. Why do you continue to post about something you have zero experience of? Do you not realise that it comes across as very arrogant?

@VeniceQueen2004

Although frankly I think it's a bit bonkers to want to have that much control over things when you're actually dead.

Guessing you don't have a will then Venice?

It's so bonkers for people to want to control their assets when they die that there is a whole legal department set up to deal with wills and probate. Okay 😂

@LucozadeHasToBeOriginal

You'd know all this though if you'd actually ever been in a blended family rather than just the fairytale fiction in your head.

I have been in a blended family and I think she talks a lot of sense.

*AbsolutelyCrackin
It’s interesting how these threads go

And sorry but there is definitely a theme when it comes to step parents money. You'll never get as many people saying they should treat SC like their own children as you do when the thread is about money.

If it was about anything else, step mum wanting to get involved in discipline, having a say over X or Y, they'd be told by the majority to back off, none of her business, they have parents for that.
This! And I’m not even a step-mum!*

Right. Now stepchildren are entitled to get money from step relatives they barely know or consider family themselves. I doubt OP’s parents would want their money going to these older children they have no relationship with and see very little. If they did, they’d put them in their Will themselves.

@flaviaritt

No I'm implying that it may be a reason why OP doesn't see the children as equal to her own...

But she controls that. She can decide, as the person about to marry a man with kids... that she is willing to treat them as her own. She just... wasn’t. So now how it that an excuse for...itself? It’s not.

Hey Flaviaritt, that was the point again that just went flying over your head.

Again, no it isn't always in your control as a step parent.

Yeah let's not compare this situation with child abuse shall we

Yes, it’s a perfectly reasonable comparison. A person without children can very legitimately have opinions about what is unacceptable to them. And I can have an opinion here. Because at some point (perhaps) I will have to make just this decision: marry a man with kids, or don’t. And I will need to be prepared to make that decision in a way which is consistent with my principles. So why shouldn’t I have principles? Surely it’s better that I have considered it than not?

@Meraas

Nope, there is a difference between money earned / assets obtained by OP during her marriage and what she stands to inherit from her parents

What is the difference please?

Again, no it isn't always in your control as a step parent.

I think it is my point that has flown over your head. Not everything is in the control of the step-parent. As I have said. And to be a good step-parent, I think you have to accept that. But you also should be prepared to do what is in your control, for those kids. And this undoubtedly is in the control of the step-parent.