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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you be offended if your spouse did this?

613 replies

PiecesOfPie · 30/11/2020 12:28

I am an only child, my parents have quite a large estate which is in trust. I am the sole beneficiary of this (with them life time beneficiaries). The amount would be quite substantial.

My husband and I share one DC, he has 2 with his ex partner.

I have not yet discussed the situation with a solicitor but I want to broach the subject with DH and then get legal advice for when this happens. As far as I am aware, there are times when inheritance can be viewed as a marital asset in the case of separation?

I'd like to see a solicitor about essentially ring fencing this so that it can be left solely in my will to our 1 DC only. Essentially, I don't want any of the funds going to my husband and then onto my step children if we were to ever divorce.

Would you be insulted if your spouse suggested this to you? Yes it would mean that our DC would have the chance to inherit a lot more than my SC but it would be from me (my parents really), not their dad.

I must admit I'm not hugely clued up on all the rules and law surrounding this sort of thing and to clarify I have not yet sought any legal advice so this is entirely hypothetical right now.

OP posts:
LucozadeHasToBeOriginal · 01/12/2020 14:00

@flaviaritt

Yeah let's not compare this situation with child abuse shall we

Yes, it’s a perfectly reasonable comparison. A person without children can very legitimately have opinions about what is unacceptable to them. And I can have an opinion here. Because at some point (perhaps) I will have to make just this decision: marry a man with kids, or don’t. And I will need to be prepared to make that decision in a way which is consistent with my principles. So why shouldn’t I have principles? Surely it’s better that I have considered it than not?

So to you, not leaving your step children money that came from your parents with whom they had no relationship with is akin to physically assaulting a child?

Wow okay.

flaviaritt · 01/12/2020 14:02

So to you, not leaving your step children money that came from your parents with whom they had no relationship with is akin to physically assaulting a child?

This is like saying, when a person says, “I wouldn’t steal a car because it’s wrong”, and someone says, “But you’ve never had anything stolen from you so how would you know?” and then you say, “No, but someone stole my bin and it upset me”, and they say, “Are you saying a car and a bin are the same thing?”

It’s illogical.

VanGoghsDog · 01/12/2020 14:02

@flaviaritt

No I'm implying that it may be a reason why OP doesn't see the children as equal to her own...

But she controls that. She can decide, as the person about to marry a man with kids... that she is willing to treat them as her own. She just... wasn’t. So now how it that an excuse for...itself? It’s not.

How do you know she wasn't? She may have been willing but the child didn't want that.

I was a step mother, no kids of my own so no idea how to "love him like my own" and his mother did everything she could to undermine me, take away any connection he and I might have.

I wasn't married to his father, but we were together eight years. During that time I had an inheritance which I did not split with the DP. Dss was named in my will. In fact, after we split I did a new will and ex dss is still named and I send him weekly pocket money a d see him twice a year. But I'd still ringfence an inheritance in the OP's situation!

VeniceQueen2004 · 01/12/2020 14:03

And no, I'd say money left to my step mother by her parents who I didn't know would be hers to do with what she pleased. That would be my view on it personally*

I agree. I just don't know why it would please her not to share it with all the children in her family unit.

VeniceQueen2004 · 01/12/2020 14:04

After all the OP's question wasn't "is this legally possible?" Of course it is. She was asking for people's opinions on whether it would upset people. I think it has the potential to do so!

VanGoghsDog · 01/12/2020 14:05

[quote VeniceQueen2004]@Meraas

Nope, there is a difference between money earned / assets obtained by OP during her marriage and what she stands to inherit from her parents

What is the difference please?[/quote]
There is a legal difference. Inheritances are not legally marital assets. The rest are.

VeniceQueen2004 · 01/12/2020 14:06

*Guessing you don't have a will then Venice?

It's so bonkers for people to want to control their assets when they die that there is a whole legal department set up to deal with wills and probate. Okay*

You can decide who you want to give it to. Trying to then put a bunch of conditions on what they then do with it when this and if that seems, well.. control-freakish to me.

flaviaritt · 01/12/2020 14:06

How do you know she wasn't? She may have been willing but the child didn't want that.

It doesn’t stop her offering it, does it? She’s the adult. That is what I am saying. Even if the commitment seems unequal, even if there are issues and what seem to you to be inconsistencies, as the adult, the person with the choice of whether or not to create this situation, you should be the one prepared to give more. You shouldn’t be saying, “But they didn’t want that so...” Be the grown up.

Meraas · 01/12/2020 14:07

Does the OP not have to buy any Christmas presents for her SC because 'they'll get them from their mum and dad, why should they get one from me too when my DD won't get one from their mum?"

Why can’t the dad buy his kids’ presents? Why does the step-mum need to buy them? Sounds like wifework.

phoenixrosehere · 01/12/2020 14:07

But she controls that. She can decide, as the person about to marry a man with kids... that she is willing to treat them as her own. She just... wasn’t. So now how it that an excuse for...itself? It’s not.

And what if these stepchildren who are more than old enough to say how they feel don’t see OP as a second mother as they don’t see her parents as their grandparents which she has already explained?

Meraas · 01/12/2020 14:08

You can decide who you want to give it to. Trying to then put a bunch of conditions on what they then do with it when this and if that seems, well.. control-freakish to me.

But OP isn’t putting any conditions of what her DC do with the money.

VeniceQueen2004 · 01/12/2020 14:08

I doubt OP’s parents would want their money going to these older children they have no relationship with and see very little. If they did, they’d put them in their Will themselves

Quite right, they don't want it to. They want to leave it to their daughter. Who then has the right to do what she likes with it. She wants to then leave most of her assets to her daughter, rather than sharing with her DH and thus consequently potentially with his children, her step children. She was asking if that was likely to upset him/them. Some people think not, some people think so. What the grandparents think she should do with the money they give her is neither here nor there once they're dead frankly.

LucozadeHasToBeOriginal · 01/12/2020 14:09

@VeniceQueen2004

*Guessing you don't have a will then Venice?

It's so bonkers for people to want to control their assets when they die that there is a whole legal department set up to deal with wills and probate. Okay*

You can decide who you want to give it to. Trying to then put a bunch of conditions on what they then do with it when this and if that seems, well.. control-freakish to me.

She's not bunching on conditions with what whoever can do with what.

You said you can decide who you want to give it to. OP has decided she wants to give it to her child. She's specifically said what her child does with it thereafter is their business. What conditions are being added on?

phoenixrosehere · 01/12/2020 14:10

You shouldn’t be saying, “But they didn’t want that so...” Be the grown up.

Being the adult also means LISTENING. You don’t try to force a relationship on a child who can say that they don’t want that type of relationship with their stepparent. The kids already have a mother and father.

Meraas · 01/12/2020 14:10

But she controls that. She can decide, as the person about to marry a man with kids... that she is willing to treat them as her own. She just... wasn’t. So now how it that an excuse for...itself? It’s not.

But they’re not her own kids. If OP rocked up at her DSCs’ parents’ evening I’ll bet their mum would be WTF.

VeniceQueen2004 · 01/12/2020 14:10

So to you, not leaving your step children money that came from your parents with whom they had no relationship with is akin to physically assaulting a child?

Wilful misinterpretation is a classic sign of losing the argument.

flaviaritt · 01/12/2020 14:12

And what if these stepchildren who are more than old enough to say how they feel don’t see OP as a second mother as they don’t see her parents as their grandparents which she has already explained?

Then they don’t have to accept any share of the inheritance. But if (as I suspect here), the OP has never treated them as her own, and never been willing to, then it is my suggestion that she could and should have done, and perhaps their rejection of that relationship with her wouldn’t have been an issue? In any case, only she knows that, and I can only say what I would or would not do. And yes, that is perfectly valid, despite the fact that I haven’t yet done it. Hmm

LucozadeHasToBeOriginal · 01/12/2020 14:12

@flaviaritt

So to you, not leaving your step children money that came from your parents with whom they had no relationship with is akin to physically assaulting a child?

This is like saying, when a person says, “I wouldn’t steal a car because it’s wrong”, and someone says, “But you’ve never had anything stolen from you so how would you know?” and then you say, “No, but someone stole my bin and it upset me”, and they say, “Are you saying a car and a bin are the same thing?”

It’s illogical.

Eh??

No I'm saying one is abuse and the other isn't.

If you honestly think what OP suggested is in any way shape or form similar to physically assaulting a child then you need help. And to get some perspective.

flaviaritt · 01/12/2020 14:12

But they’re not her own kids.

Which is why there is a requirement to treat them as if they are. Otherwise that probably wouldn’t be necessary, would it?

flaviaritt · 01/12/2020 14:13

If you honestly think what OP suggested is in any way shape or form similar to physically assaulting a child then you need help. And to get some perspective.

Let’s just leave it, you don’t get it.

flaviaritt · 01/12/2020 14:13

Being the adult also means LISTENING. You don’t try to force a relationship on a child who can say that they don’t want that type of relationship with their stepparent.

Then you should try listening. I said that already.

VeniceQueen2004 · 01/12/2020 14:14

It doesn’t stop her offering it, does it? She’s the adult. That is what I am saying. Even if the commitment seems unequal, even if there are issues and what seem to you to be inconsistencies, as the adult, the person with the choice of whether or not to create this situation, you should be the one prepared to give more. You shouldn’t be saying, “But they didn’t want that so...” Be the grown up

The point!!! Thank you.

Honestly step-parents whinging "well I don't get to go to the school play so why should I ... x y z". You don't parent because of what you 'get' out of it. The relationship between young children and grown adults isn't supposed to be reciprocally equal. You are the grown up. They are the child.

Youseethethingis · 01/12/2020 14:14

And I think I have simply spoken about what I think is right and wrong
Which would be fine if you left it at that instead of becoming increasing ridiculous in your efforts to portray everyone who disagrees as the wicked step mother of fairytales. We are telling you that our families do the blended thing in many different ways, and you are telling us all we are being mean. You don’t seem to have the emotional bandwidth for this.

LucozadeHasToBeOriginal · 01/12/2020 14:14

@VeniceQueen2004

So to you, not leaving your step children money that came from your parents with whom they had no relationship with is akin to physically assaulting a child?

Wilful misinterpretation is a classic sign of losing the argument.

What have I misinterpreted?

PP said they can still think slapping a child is wrong despite never being a parent. I'm saying that's a completely different scenario. That is abuse. Slapping anyone is wrong. Everyone knows that.

Clearly not everyone agrees that leaving inheritance to your biological child is wrong given the vote.

It's not even in the realm of being the same.

Meraas · 01/12/2020 14:15

Which is why there is a requirement to treat them as if they are. Otherwise that probably wouldn’t be necessary, would it?

Where does this requirement come from? The government?