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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be offended if your spouse did this?

613 replies

PiecesOfPie · 30/11/2020 12:28

I am an only child, my parents have quite a large estate which is in trust. I am the sole beneficiary of this (with them life time beneficiaries). The amount would be quite substantial.

My husband and I share one DC, he has 2 with his ex partner.

I have not yet discussed the situation with a solicitor but I want to broach the subject with DH and then get legal advice for when this happens. As far as I am aware, there are times when inheritance can be viewed as a marital asset in the case of separation?

I'd like to see a solicitor about essentially ring fencing this so that it can be left solely in my will to our 1 DC only. Essentially, I don't want any of the funds going to my husband and then onto my step children if we were to ever divorce.

Would you be insulted if your spouse suggested this to you? Yes it would mean that our DC would have the chance to inherit a lot more than my SC but it would be from me (my parents really), not their dad.

I must admit I'm not hugely clued up on all the rules and law surrounding this sort of thing and to clarify I have not yet sought any legal advice so this is entirely hypothetical right now.

OP posts:
Youseethethingis · 01/12/2020 13:20

while recognising that there are slightly different limitations on that
Well done for finally acknowledging that parents have “slightly different” responsibilities towards their own children than they do other children.

flaviaritt · 01/12/2020 13:21

Well done for finally acknowledging that parents have “slightly different” responsibilities towards their own children than they do other children.

Is it your usual style to pretend people agree with you when they don’t? Novel way to approach an argument.

Holyrivolli · 01/12/2020 13:25

In that scenario @flaviaritt I suspect you would be seriously stepping on the toes of the mother of your hypothetical step children. They have a mother presumably. They don’t need someone new coming in and assuming that role. Assuming that the children involved have two caring active parents then the other adults in their life can be involved, kind etc but it is doing no one any favours if she (or he) pretends or insists that she/ he is an equal parent.

Meraas · 01/12/2020 13:25

As ever the same people are here spouting absolute nonsense.

I agree. OP beware the perennial virtue signallers on this thread (not naming names) who likely won’t practice what they preach.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 01/12/2020 13:26

I had this conversation with my husband about the property that I brought into our marriage, which I want to go to my daughter only. We had the conversation in the context of me dying first and him having more children with someone else and he totally got it. But he is very pragmatic too - it's one of the things I love about him

Youseethethingis · 01/12/2020 13:27

@flaviaritt
Not at all, it’s just nice to see a chink of common sense starting to shine through.

flaviaritt · 01/12/2020 13:27

In that scenario @flaviaritt I suspect you would be seriously stepping on the toes of the mother of your hypothetical step children

That’s her problem. I would not invite children into my home and family to live and treat them with anything less than love and commitment.

And my husband (because he has excellent taste in women!) would be unlikely to marry a woman who wouldn’t treat our daughter in the same way.

So I think we’d be alright in our side.

flaviaritt · 01/12/2020 13:28

Not at all, it’s just nice to see a chink of common sense starting to shine through.

You literally ignored my point. The ambiguity is something that should be experienced by the adults. Not the children.

AbsolutelyCrackin · 01/12/2020 13:31

And if your step kids didn't want loving 'like a mum' (my kids would find that incredibly stifling and annoying from their step mum) would that be their problem too?

Meraas · 01/12/2020 13:32

So why doesn't the OP have the nuts to inherit the money from her parents and then leave a big chunk of what would then be HER estate to her DD?

Because she knows how it looks, is why. So she wants to avoid the unpleasantness by persuading the grandparents to bypass her and give it straight to the DD.

No, because it’s often much cleaner for DGC to inherit directly from DGPs. My aunt has left her house to DGC, they’ve found a way to avoid inheritance tax this way.

Holyrivolli · 01/12/2020 13:32

So what you’re saying @flaviaritt is that this will all work out fab in your hypothetical scenario because you’re such amazing adults with such excellent taste in partners Hmm.

So you actually have no experience of this and are just pontificating how it should work in your notional scenario. Why would you think you are remotely experienced to comment on this? It’s like someone who doesn’t have kids and no experience of raising them coming on a thread and telling parents they’re doing it all wrong. It comes across as deeply naive at best and arrogant at worst.

flaviaritt · 01/12/2020 13:32

And if your step kids didn't want loving 'like a mum' (my kids would find that incredibly stifling and annoying from their step mum) would that be their problem too?

Of course not. I would be guided by their needs. That’s part of ‘where I can’. I wouldn’t invite them into my home and family if I were unwilling to offer that love and commitment.

Youseethethingis · 01/12/2020 13:33

I think DSD is well aware why I’m not the person at her doctors appointments and at parents nights and buying her the clothes she needs etc. She experiences this day to day. Not getting a share of inheritance from my family won’t be that big a leap for her.
But as I say, you clearly understand stand my first examples and I think you can also make the leap to understand the last. It just doesn’t suit your narrative. But don’t be pretending you’re a better person than me or OP just because your situation may be different.

flaviaritt · 01/12/2020 13:33

So what you’re saying @flaviaritt is that this will all work out fab in your hypothetical scenario because you’re such amazing adults with such excellent taste in partners hmm.

We’re pretty great.

But seriously, yes: I am giving a view before the fact, because mature adults consider what they are doing before they remarry, not after.

Meraas · 01/12/2020 13:33

@AbsolutelyCrackin

It’s interesting how these threads go

And sorry but there is definitely a theme when it comes to step parents money. You'll never get as many people saying they should treat SC like their own children as you do when the thread is about money.

If it was about anything else, step mum wanting to get involved in discipline, having a say over X or Y, they'd be told by the majority to back off, none of her business, they have parents for that.

This! And I’m not even a step-mum!
flaviaritt · 01/12/2020 13:34

But don’t be pretending you’re a better person than me or OP just because your situation may be different.

I can think what I like.

LucozadeHasToBeOriginal · 01/12/2020 13:38

And here we have another person with absolutely jack shit experience of the situation they are talking about telling everyone how much better they'd be at it 😂 I love it when this happens.

Okay Flaviaritt, we get it, you'd be the world's best step mother even though you aren't and never have been one.

Back in the real world, lots of children, older children especially, don't want another parent, they don't want someone loving them like a mum, they don't want animosity between their parents because their step mum just says 'well that's her problem' if their mum doesn't like it and the usual drama then ensues etc etc.

You'd know all this though if you'd actually ever been in a blended family rather than just the fairytale fiction in your head.

But you're right, you and your perfect husband would totally nail it better than the hundreds of step parents on this forum who tell you it's never as simple as that in reality.

flaviaritt · 01/12/2020 13:40

Okay Flaviaritt, we get it, you'd be the world's best step mother even though you aren't and never have been one

I doubt that. I just know what I would and wouldn’t do. I wouldn’t remarry a man with children if I wasn’t willing to treat them like my own. I do not need to have already made that mistake to say I would avoid it. I just wouldn’t get married.

flaviaritt · 01/12/2020 13:41

Back in the real world, lots of children, older children especially, don't want another parent, they don't want someone loving them like a mum, they don't want animosity between their parents because their step mum just says 'well that's her problem' if their mum doesn't like it and the usual drama then ensues etc etc.

I’ve already said, I would be guided by the children. And I hope I wouldn’t marry a man whose ex-partner was going to be able to stand in the way of me being a decent step-parent who was prepared to put the children and their needs first.

Lots of defensive people here!

LucozadeHasToBeOriginal · 01/12/2020 13:42

@flaviaritt

Okay Flaviaritt, we get it, you'd be the world's best step mother even though you aren't and never have been one

I doubt that. I just know what I would and wouldn’t do. I wouldn’t remarry a man with children if I wasn’t willing to treat them like my own. I do not need to have already made that mistake to say I would avoid it. I just wouldn’t get married.

Yeah and the point is you could remarry with every best intention in the world but it still doesn't always work out the way you've wrote it. Because it isn't just down to you.
Meraas · 01/12/2020 13:42

And this 'her parents' money' is such a red herring. The parents plan to leave it to their daughter; that's the only point it has anything to do with OP, at the point it becomes HER money. Not her parents' money

Nope, there is a difference between money earned / assets obtained by OP during her marriage and what she stands to inherit from her parents.

flaviaritt · 01/12/2020 13:43

Yeah and the point is you could remarry with every best intention in the world but it still doesn't always work out the way you've wrote it. Because it isn't just down to you.

Of course. But that’s about being unable, not unwilling.

flaviaritt · 01/12/2020 13:44

Nope, there is a difference between money earned / assets obtained by OP during her marriage and what she stands to inherit from her parents.

Nope. If she inherits from her parents, that money is an asset obtained by her within marriage. That’s why she wants to avoid it by alienating the money from herself.

Holyrivolli · 01/12/2020 13:44

@LucozadeHasToBeOriginal. Yeah. It’s always mind boggling when someone with no experience comes on and tells everyone how they’d do it sooooo much better. Every blended family is different and there are so many factors which come into play that stating that theirs (which is all imaginary anyway) is best way to do things is childlike and naive.

LucozadeHasToBeOriginal · 01/12/2020 13:45

@flaviaritt

Back in the real world, lots of children, older children especially, don't want another parent, they don't want someone loving them like a mum, they don't want animosity between their parents because their step mum just says 'well that's her problem' if their mum doesn't like it and the usual drama then ensues etc etc.

I’ve already said, I would be guided by the children. And I hope I wouldn’t marry a man whose ex-partner was going to be able to stand in the way of me being a decent step-parent who was prepared to put the children and their needs first.

Lots of defensive people here!

Well it's a bit like someone without kids telling you how much better they'd parent than you isn't it.

'Oh I'd NEVER let little Johnny watch TV for 4 hours straight, why would you even have kids if you were just going to do that. No I don't have children myself, but I just know what I'd do and what I wouldn't do'...

Yeah alright love, come back to us when you've actually got the tiniest bit of experience in what you're talking about 😂