Would you be offended if your spouse did this?

[PiecesOfPie]

I am an only child, my parents have quite a large estate which is in trust. I am the sole beneficiary of this (with them life time beneficiaries). The amount would be quite substantial.

My husband and I share one DC, he has 2 with his ex partner.

I have not yet discussed the situation with a solicitor but I want to broach the subject with DH and then get legal advice for when this happens. As far as I am aware, there are times when inheritance can be viewed as a marital asset in the case of separation?

I'd like to see a solicitor about essentially ring fencing this so that it can be left solely in my will to our 1 DC only. Essentially, I don't want any of the funds going to my husband and then onto my step children if we were to ever divorce.

Would you be insulted if your spouse suggested this to you? Yes it would mean that our DC would have the chance to inherit a lot more than my SC but it would be from me (my parents really), not their dad.

I must admit I'm not hugely clued up on all the rules and law surrounding this sort of thing and to clarify I have not yet sought any legal advice so this is entirely hypothetical right now.

@AbsolutelyCrackin

Fair dos. As I say my attitude is 'expect absolutely nothing from inheritance, anything that comes your way is a welcome surprise'. I think this attitude is common among SC! Same with 'the family home' - I know a lot of friends with parents who stayed together continue to see their parents' house as 'their house', expected their old room to be available to them if they wanted it well into their 20s, got their nose in a sling if the parents decided to repurpose the room or god forbid sell the house(!!) - yes, I considered them to be bloody entitled.

But that's because I never felt that my dad and SM's home was 'my home'; it was made clear to me I was living there but it was their home; it was made clear to me that when I went to uni I was moving out; but my brother who is now 27 is still living with my parents - he's had spells of living out during uni terms etc but always gravitates back to the nest that is waiting for him. He sees nothing odd in this and neither do my parents.

However if I ever have any money to leave there will be principles that guide how I do it. Because of my background, I would do everything possible to avoid becoming a step parent, or inviting one into my DD's home and creating half-siblings. But if, for whatever reason I did this, I would feel it my responsibility to make those all of those children, especially those whose identity is already ruptured by their parents' break-up, feel as secure as possible in the home I shared with them. And to me that would mean treating them as equals in the home and in our family unit. What happened to them outside of that unit I wouldn't be able to control or to rely on to fill in the gaps.

I have taken refuge in having very low expecations and not comparing, as it's the best way not to get hurt.

I find this very sad. I would hope that any children I invited to form a family with me would be able to ‘expect’ a lot from me without being labelled that horrible word ‘entitled’.

[quote VeniceQueen2004]@AbsolutelyCrackin

Fair dos. As I say my attitude is 'expect absolutely nothing from inheritance, anything that comes your way is a welcome surprise'. I think this attitude is common among SC! Same with 'the family home' - I know a lot of friends with parents who stayed together continue to see their parents' house as 'their house', expected their old room to be available to them if they wanted it well into their 20s, got their nose in a sling if the parents decided to repurpose the room or god forbid sell the house(!!) - yes, I considered them to be bloody entitled.

But that's because I never felt that my dad and SM's home was 'my home'; it was made clear to me I was living there but it was their home; it was made clear to me that when I went to uni I was moving out; but my brother who is now 27 is still living with my parents - he's had spells of living out during uni terms etc but always gravitates back to the nest that is waiting for him. He sees nothing odd in this and neither do my parents.

However if I ever have any money to leave there will be principles that guide how I do it. Because of my background, I would do everything possible to avoid becoming a step parent, or inviting one into my DD's home and creating half-siblings. But if, for whatever reason I did this, I would feel it my responsibility to make those all of those children, especially those whose identity is already ruptured by their parents' break-up, feel as secure as possible in the home I shared with them. And to me that would mean treating them as equals in the home and in our family unit. What happened to them outside of that unit I wouldn't be able to control or to rely on to fill in the gaps.[/quote]
Well I suppose this goes back to what I was saying previously doesn't it? That it depends on each families individual circumstances.

I'm sorry you were made to feel that way but I, a step child also, wasn't personally. And to me, it wouldn't define the relationship I had with my step dad, if I found out he'd ring fenced money from his mum for his kids. We have a lovely relationship, but it's not a parental one. I care about him a lot, but he's not my dad and I'm not his child which is fine. He was always nice to me, I never felt different in that anyone was favoured day to day. If I got a bollocking for X then so did his kids 😂 but equally, I am still aware that his kids are his kids, their grandparents are their grandparents and I, not through my choice no but just life, happen to have a different set to them. It wasn't a big deal to me.

This is why I kind of think sometimes the 'everyone should be equal, wider family should treat DSC as their own grandchildren' and so on can actually end up worse and more confusing in the long run. There really shouldn't be anything that confusing to an older child about the fact they have different grandparents to their half sibling. As long as everyone is kind to my kids in person, I don't have a problem at all with my kids step mother's parents taking out her kids and not mine for example, or getting them a bit more at Christmas and so on... They know their relationship is different and that they have their GPs here for that. No need for upset. Obviously it's different if they are very young.

@flaviaritt

I have taken refuge in having very low expecations and not comparing, as it's the best way not to get hurt.

I find this very sad. I would hope that any children I invited to form a family with me would be able to ‘expect’ a lot from me without being labelled that horrible word ‘entitled’.

I'm talking about adults, which these children will likely be whenever this actually comes around.

So yes, as an adult, not a child, I think it's entitled.

So yes, as an adult, not a child, I think it's entitled.

But the OP’s DD will also be an adult. She is an adult. All I am suggesting is that you treat the people you invited into your family as children as your children. I think that’s the fair person’s course of action.

My SM came into our lives when my DSSis was 9, DSis was 7 and I was 5. So pretty early doors. Brother came along when I was 9.

I'm actually very glad my SM is in my life, she's a wonderful person, a great role model and I love her and she loves me. But our relationship as adults is much better than it was when I was a child and living in 'her house'. And it does sting that she and my dad treat my brother so differently. I mean maybe it's because he's a boy, maybe it's because he's the baby. But I can't help but feel it's because he's 'theirs' and we're not.

Either way she's all the mum I have left now; I just hope that she wouldn't see me seeing her that way as incredibly 'entitled'.

@VeniceQueen2004 you can treat children as equal growing up without the need to include them in your will. My cousin due to circumstances lived with my mother and I for a good 6 years after her own dm passed away.

Those 6 years we are treated as identical, we got exactly the same for Christmas, birthday and all the important occasions, we went on the same holidays, went to the same school, ate the same meals even shared a room until she left for university. Thing that is clear though is that inheritance wise I will inherite not her, she inherited from her dm as I will inherit from mine. The same can be said with SC just because they are not entitled to inherit from the step parents family does not mean they are treated like Cinderella

@flaviaritt

So yes, as an adult, not a child, I think it's entitled.

But the OP’s DD will also be an adult. She is an adult. All I am suggesting is that you treat the people you invited into your family as children as your children. I think that’s the fair person’s course of action.

Well we will have to disagree then. I don't think this should always have to be the case with everything, they aren't your children, as people often like to remind step parents on here and in real life.

A lot of step children don't view their step parents as their parents either. Some will, some won't, it depends on the family in question.

There was a thread yesterday where the OP asked if she should keep a more distanced, none paternal relationship with her step children and everyone bar 1 or 2 were saying how much better that was. Clearly lots of people have lots of different expectations. I think all you can really do is be led by the people in your particular situation which is made up by the children, their other parent, your partner and yourself. Lots of step parents don't get to treat the SC as their children without getting piled on by exes for example. It's easy to see how someone in that situation would keep a more distanced approach.

Well we will have to disagree then. I don't think this should always have to be the case with everything, they aren't your children, as people often like to remind step parents on here and in real life.

Of course they’re not. I think marrying into their family, though (ethically) comes with a commitment to treat them (whenever you can) as if they are, and that’s, as you say, a matter on which we’ll have to disagree.

The same can be said with SC just because they are not entitled to inherit from the step parents family does not mean they are treated like Cinderella

I think that is quite a different situation as your mum obviously did your cousin a kindness taking her in when she was orphaned. That isn't the same as choosing to marry someone who has kids. It's hard to know what would have become of your cousin if your mum hadn't taken her in; whereas the children of the OP's husband had a life before she chose to enter it.

As I've said I think this 'inherit from the step-parent's family thing is a red herring. We're talking about whether the SC should inherit from the step-parent (irrespective of where the step-parent's money came from, inheritance or lotto win or hard work or whatever). The only reason it is being looked at as 'the grandparents' money' in this case is because the OP is planning to avoid inheriting herself to keep it that way, because she is aware it doesn't look great keeping a large portion of her money away from her husband so that he can't give any of it to his children.

Either way she's all the mum I have left now; I just hope that she wouldn't see me seeing her that way as incredibly 'entitled'

But again, OP is leaving something to her DSc. She's already said that. Her and her DHs estate will be split with them.

This is the grandparents money that she wants to keep separate because the DSC barely know them. You can say 'well it would be her money eventually' all you like but in OPs mind, she wants her parents grandchild to benefit from their grandparents. There's nothing wrong with that in my opinion.

So the fact that OPs DSC will inherit from her at all is not what I think is entitled. What I think is entitled would be finding out that money left from grandparents you had no relationship with had been 'reserved' for their only grandchild, and thinking it should also be equally yours and as such being mad about that.

And as I say, I would think the same even if my step dads mum left money to him, rather than her grandchildren directly and he decided to keep that separate for them. It wouldn't make a difference to me if it went to him or bypassed him straight to them. If it was money he received from his mum who I barely know which he then wanted to keep for his children as her grandchildren, then I would totally respect that.

But again, OP is leaving something to her DSc. She's already said that. Her and her DHs estate will be split with them.

That’s true. But we have no idea how that ‘estate’ was earned. I asked the OP earlier, have they always shared money? Has she been a SAHM?

So the fact that OPs DSC will inherit from her at all is not what I think is entitled. What I think is entitled would be finding out that money left from grandparents you had no relationship with had been 'reserved' for their only grandchild, and thinking it should also be equally yours and as such being mad about that

I think mad is unlikely to be the emotion. Hurt is closer to it - that money had been deliberately taken out of 'the family pot', wherever it had come from, and set aside for the sibling. It would be less painful for the GPs to give directly to the GC if that was their wish. I think the upsetting thing would be knowing your SM didn't want you to have it. Because regardless of your relationship with the grandparents, she has a relationship with you. Obviously one that she doesn't rate as highly as the one she has with her daughter, to the point of going to some lengths to stop you getting something.

I guess... maybe think of it as birthday cake. Grandparents give their daughter (the OP) a big lovely birthday cake. Rather than sharing with the whole family, OP shares it only with her daughter, and doesn't even give any to the DH just in case he shares his piece with the SCs - because they don't have a relationship with the grandparents.

Whereas if grandparents just give the DD a birthday cake, less of an issue.

Sorry I still think it's entitled, I really do. At the end of the day it does matter where the money came from, in my opinion anyway.

Money that OP deems as hers, she is splitting with the DSC in her will. She doesn't see this money as hers, but as her parents and as such she wants it to go to their grandchild. I personally think that is fair enough and I, as a step child, would not be hurt by that or think it unfair.

I appreciate the comparison but birthday cakes and inheritance are very different.

I'm not 'mad' my parents are going to pay my brother's deposit on his first flat (didn't do this for any of the rest of us). But it does make you go 'but why though?' a bit. And it can only come down to the fact that, for whatever reason, they think he deserves more from then than we do, even though we all grew up together in the same house.

From the point of view of a stepchild - what you are doing is entirely fair.

I would not expect to have any claim to my stepmom's inheritance from her parents.

I'd expect it to all go to my (half) sister - their grandchild. They may, possibly, leave me a token as we are close but I would not expect it.

I also wouldn't expect DSM if she inherited from her parents to leave any of that to me subsequently in her will - I would expect it to all go to my sister.

I appreciate the comparison but birthday cakes and inheritance are very different.

You keep saying it is very different. But it is only different if it is, in fact, all about the money. Can you articulate to me why it is different?

@VeniceQueen2004

I'm not 'mad' my parents are going to pay my brother's deposit on his first flat (didn't do this for any of the rest of us). But it does make you go 'but why though?' a bit. And it can only come down to the fact that, for whatever reason, they think he deserves more from then than we do, even though we all grew up together in the same house.

That's your parents. So your dad too.

If your step mother received money from her parents and used that to pay her child's house deposit, would you still think 'but they didn't do that for any of us?!'.

I'm not the one trying to imply it isn't about the money. As I say, posters wouldn't care a jot if we were talking about a tenner.

I've said, things like securing my child's financial future is where they become a priority, to me, as their mother. That is different to me than buying Christmas presents or splitting a birthday cake. I see it as my duty as a parent, if I can do so, to take care of my child and I want to do that for them financially if I am given the means to i.e. through inheritance.

OP you asked for opinions and I think we can all say that opinions are based on your own experience and will therefore differ greatly especially in situations such as this.

I think for now you should move on from opinions from others and focus on the opinions that matter which include at this moment your DH and your parents and also look at the legal aspect.

It’s interesting how these threads go. In this case we have people saying that a step parent should treat them identically but then on others you get mums ranting how the step mum has overstepped the line and adopted a mum like role. Wonder how all the mums of these “treat them identically, love them like your own” posters feel about these kids step mums?

@Holyrivolli

It’s interesting how these threads go. In this case we have people saying that a step parent should treat them identically but then on others you get mums ranting how the step mum has overstepped the line and adopted a mum like role. Wonder how all the mums of these “treat them identically, love them like your own” posters feel about these kids step mums?

Yep. Because clearly there is no one way to be in a blended family. Which is why I think it makes a difference and these things aren't always as cut and dry as 'they are equally part of your family/wider family' all the time. Some people don't like to accept that others may do it (or have no choice but to do it) differently to what they think is the proper way though.

It’s interesting how these threads go

And sorry but there is definitely a theme when it comes to step parents money. You'll never get as many people saying they should treat SC like their own children as you do when the thread is about money.

If it was about anything else, step mum wanting to get involved in discipline, having a say over X or Y, they'd be told by the majority to back off, none of her business, they have parents for that.

In this case we have people saying that a step parent should treat them identically but then on others you get mums ranting how the step mum has overstepped the line and adopted a mum like role. Wonder how all the mums of these “treat them identically, love them like your own” posters feel about these kids step mums?

On the surface of it, this is a good argument. Obviously a step-parent can’t make medical decisions or schooling decisions while there is still a functional set of co-parents. But this is why the position of step-parent is a delicate one. It’s really important that they treat the child as their own while recognising that there are slightly different limitations on that. I would always want my child to feel like their step-parent loved them like a mum. I would always show the same love to my step-children that I did to my own. I would just have to step ‘up’ in my maturity levels (for the sake of the child) and recognise that ambiguity in my position without letting it impact on the child. That’s probably the cost of doing business, to me.