Would you be offended if your spouse did this?

[PiecesOfPie]

I am an only child, my parents have quite a large estate which is in trust. I am the sole beneficiary of this (with them life time beneficiaries). The amount would be quite substantial.

My husband and I share one DC, he has 2 with his ex partner.

I have not yet discussed the situation with a solicitor but I want to broach the subject with DH and then get legal advice for when this happens. As far as I am aware, there are times when inheritance can be viewed as a marital asset in the case of separation?

I'd like to see a solicitor about essentially ring fencing this so that it can be left solely in my will to our 1 DC only. Essentially, I don't want any of the funds going to my husband and then onto my step children if we were to ever divorce.

Would you be insulted if your spouse suggested this to you? Yes it would mean that our DC would have the chance to inherit a lot more than my SC but it would be from me (my parents really), not their dad.

I must admit I'm not hugely clued up on all the rules and law surrounding this sort of thing and to clarify I have not yet sought any legal advice so this is entirely hypothetical right now.

Yes, baffling that a mother should want to protect her own child’s financial future. Mind blowing stuff

Still people will jump through any mental and legal hoops to justify the fact that they wanted the man, but they didn't want the children that came with him - and didn't stop for a minute to wonder if that was ethical or kind.

This is absolutely correct. And then it’s “We all do things differently.” Well, yeah. Doesn’t mean we all do it nicely.

@EWAB

My mother-in-law bypassed her 3 sons and left life-changing sums of money to her six grandchildren equally so the family with 3 children benefited disproportionately.
This was done so my son from another relationship would not benefit by default. So I have one don set up for life and another with nog a penny. My partner is disgruntled and relationships are not the same.
My partner’s cousin and her husband is trustee and on the two occasions we have asked for money so younger son can go on expensive trips that he would solely benefit from we have been refused. Older son would benefit by default according to them.
Older son blamed me for making him think he was part of that family when he clearly wasn’t.

Oh EWAB that is such a sad story. It's exactly this sort of thing I hate so much, it's going to cause friction between all those kids who should be loving cousins, and between your two sons too who should be loving brothers. And not your or your DP's doing.

Tbh I think inheritance shouldn't really be allowed, partly for reasons of wealth inequality (privilege being handed down completely undermines the alleged 'meritocracy' and results in a very unequal society, reinforces generational inequality) - but mainly because of what it does to people, to relationships, because so many people don't seem to understand that once they're dead they won't care, and try to impose their will and shape the future from beyond the grave, with no idea the carnage and feuding they can leave behind by playing favourites with no consequences to themselves.

It's one of the reasons I absolutely refuse to expect anything from any of my parents (even though my dad and stepmum are pretty well off).

I work on the basis that I assume they will spend it all on themselves, and if they don't I assume they could leave it all to a dog's home, or to my one brother who is both their child, or randomly to the grandchildren of me, my sister, my stepsister and my half brother (if he has any by then) - they could do anything. There is no portion I am 'entitled to' in my mind.

Whatever they do, I count on nothing and I will not compare because I have seen what it does to families. And if for some weird reason I ended up overly privileged from their estate compared to ANY of my 3 siblings, I will rectify that personally. Because the love of the living is worth far more than the favour of the dead, and a LOT more than the zeros at the end of your bank balance.

[quote VeniceQueen2004]@flaviaritt

I’m not going to press it, either with the OP or anyone else. I guess I just have a different opinion on what is right.

If it helps I agree with you. I think if the OP's partner didn't have SC she'd just inherit the money from her parents, at which point it would become 'her' money, not 'their' money, and share it with her husband and children while alive, and leave it to her husband/children/friends/dog's home she preferred in the usual way, without considering her parents' relationship to any of those beneficiaries.

It's only because of the horrifying notion some of this money (her money, buy that point, not her parents') might end up with ANOTHER WOMAN'S CHILDREN she is going to leap through all these hoops to protect it from them, citing 'her parent's wishes' as an excuse when quite clearly it is her own wish to not share her full net worth with her husband because then it stands a chance of ending up with his other children. So she is going to cut off her own nose to spite her SC's face basically by avoiding the inheritance.

If the grandparents were going to spontaneously leave it to their DGC, that would make sense to me - they made no commitment to the SC by taking up with their father. But the fact seems to be that they (quite sensibly) would of themselves leave the money to their only daughter, and consider that after that it was none of their business what happened to it, being dead and all.

I mean how far down the line does this go? Should the OP's daughter also be inhibited from leaving the money to anyone not of her direct bloodline (friend, lover, donkey sanctuary) because it's 'not what your grandparents would have wanted'?? It's bloody bonkers.

Still people will jump through any mental and legal hoops to justify the fact that they wanted the man, but they didn't want the children that came with him - and didn't stop for a minute to wonder if that was ethical or kind.[/quote]
So I will ask my question again why should the step children benefit from 3 sets of grandparents (their mum, their dad and the OP) and the OP’s child only benefits from 2 (the OP and their dad)?

And I am saying this as a step child. I would never expect to benefit from my step mum’s family.

It may be different if the mum was not on the scene and the OP was basically bringing the kids up as her own but this is not the case here as the OP has said on multiple occasions

So I will ask my question again why should the step children benefit from 3 sets of grandparents (their mum, their dad and the OP) and the OP’s child only benefits from 2 (the OP and their dad)?

And I will say again: we have no idea whether they will, and the OP doesn’t care.

Yes, baffling that a mother should want to protect her own child’s financial future. Mind blowing stuff

I say again, if she didn't want to be responsible for children not hers, why marry a man with children?? Plenty of men without children out there if it was such a big deal.

Also, by the sound of it, we're talking a LOT of money here. Both from the grandparents' estate once inherited and from the OP and her DH's own success. So it's not like her DD runs the risk of her financial future not being assured, even if you split that money several ways (or even spend some of it yourself!).

This is absolutely primal 'me and mine first' stuff, which in my opinion is an attitude that has no place in a blended family. But what the heck, as Flaviaritt says, 'we all do things differently' and there's no legal obligation to do them nicely.

@flaviaritt

So I will ask my question again why should the step children benefit from 3 sets of grandparents (their mum, their dad and the OP) and the OP’s child only benefits from 2 (the OP and their dad)?

And I will say again: we have no idea whether they will, and the OP doesn’t care.

Where does she say she doesn’t care?

Funny how it's 'not about the money'... Yeah right.

If the parents were leaving a token £10 no one would care. But the fact it's a substantial amount, everyone should get a look in... But 'it's not about the money, it's about feeling part of the family'.

If it was about feeling lesser in 'the family', OP has already explained the DSC have no relationship with her parents so why on earth would they expect to receive money from them?

I would never in a million years expect my child's step mother to leave to them equally to her own kids in her will and I'd be telling my kids not to be so bloody grabby if they had a problem with it. I'm responsible for securing my child's financial future, me and their dad. She is entirely within her rights to do the same for her child with her inheritance if that's what she wants to do with it.

“We all do things differently.” Well, yeah. Doesn’t mean we all do it nicely

Sounds like you can't accept that not everyone has this fairytale fluffy everyone included equally blended family that you deem as the ideal. 'we all do things differently' is actually very valid when it comes to step parents/children. Not everyone has the opportunity to be as involved as your ideal image, not everyone has the relationships you think they should and it's not always a bad thing.

I get on with my child's step mother because she's never been this they are my children too type. Everyone in our set up prefers it that way. I know it's absolutely mind blowing that someone may do things differently to you but it doesn't mean it's unkind or unfair. Just different.

Yet again though, step parents should treat everyone equally...when there's money involved 😂

Where does she say she doesn’t care?

I asked about it, she doesn’t know. She isn’t intending to find out. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Older son blamed me for making him think he was part of that family when he clearly wasn’t

And tbf, OP has made it very clear that this is not her situation. I'm assuming your son felt he had a relationship with his siblings grandparents? OPs DSC do not. So it isn't comparable.

@flaviaritt

Where does she say she doesn’t care?

I asked about it, she doesn’t know. She isn’t intending to find out. 🤷🏻‍♀️

So you want her to ask her husband's ex about her parents assets so she can determine whether or not to leave some of her parents to them?

I imagine she'd be told where to go...

MN is fucking insane when it comes to step families it really is.

Sounds like you can't accept that not everyone has this fairytale fluffy everyone included equally blended family that you deem as the ideal. 'we all do things differently' is actually very valid when it comes to step parents/children.

Erm... you can see it that way if you like. “Not ideal” is probably a fair way to describe the sort of thing we’re discussing, though, yes.

So I will ask my question again why should the step children benefit from 3 sets of grandparents (their mum, their dad and the OP) and the OP’s child only benefits from 2 (the OP and their dad)?

Because the OP has no knowledge of, or control over, what other people will leave or do. She can only manage her own affairs. She isn't God who can ensure that all the children have an equal pop at life from every angle; she can only decide how she leaves her wealth. And she is choosing to make a huge distinction between the children of her immediate family.

WHICH SHE IS FULLY LEGALLY ENTITLED TO DO. But it will cause upset.

People don't all conveniently drop dead at exactly the same time, nor do they leave exactly the same amount of money. SC's grandparents/parents may live to a ripe old age, spend all their money on cruises and booze, or have no money to leave for whatever reason. Or the may win the Lotto and leave XYZ life-changing amount to SC.

Of course they wouldn't leave any to OP's DD, because she was never in their family unit! Neither the OP's DH's ex or the ex's DH married the OP and took on her child. So it's not the same.

The OP married her DH, and presumably formed a family unit (at least part time) with his kids; which IMO should involve accepting some responsibility for his kids.

All the OP can control is her own pot; and she is choosing to arrange matters to exclude her SC. Her right; but that doesn't make it right.

Why do you even have to mention it to him?

Just get advice from the solicitors on how to ensure it only goes to your child.

I doubt he has expectations of anything else anyway.

So you want her to ask her husband's ex about her parents assets so she can determine whether or not to leave some of her parents to them?

Not really. It wouldn’t be that hard to ask your own husband about his own children’s financial situation in their other family. Personally, I can only think the OP hasn’t done so because it (and they) aren’t her priority.

If she didn't care, she'd be ensuring her 50% of her and DHs assets went to her child too. As far as I can tell from reading the OPs posts, they are leaving their assets equally to all of them. A lot of people on here wouldn't even do that.

Yet again though, step parents should treat everyone equally...when there's money involved 😂
Exactly. I don’t get a ticket to the school play or to parents evening, because I’m not her mother, but all of a sudden when there’s money involved I should just fall into line to “be nice”? But the money itself doesn’t matter obviously...

And she is choosing to make a huge distinction between the children of her immediate family

There is a huge distinction between her child and children who are not hers. Thats not her choice, thats reality. She's not their mother, her parents are not their grandparents. Her parents money is her their child and grandchild.
There's nothing odd or wrong about that.

OP, you're absolutely not being unreasonable. DSC should inherit from their mum and dad, not any money left to you by your parents.

Could definitely be problematic if you divorce so you need legal advice.
I wouldn't expect your DH to have a problem with you trying to protect your inheritance though.

SC's grandparents/parents may live to a ripe old age, spend all their money on cruises and booze, or have no money to leave for whatever reason.

Sorry but this made me laugh. OP, you have no responsibility to SDC, they have a mum and dad, they're their responsibiliy.

@flaviaritt

So you want her to ask her husband's ex about her parents assets so she can determine whether or not to leave some of her parents to them?

Not really. It wouldn’t be that hard to ask your own husband about his own children’s financial situation in their other family. Personally, I can only think the OP hasn’t done so because it (and they) aren’t her priority.

So her husband is supposed to know the ins and outs of his exes parents assets? You've no idea how long ago they split...

I wouldn't have a clue what my exes parents intended to leave to anyone. And I wouldn't ask him because it's none of my damn business.

You're insane if you think it's appropriate to ask the ex this, whether it comes from the OP or her husband. And no, he can't just assume anything considering he is no longer with her and likely hasn't been for some time. The OP has said she doesn't know what th DSC grandparents will leave to them on their mums side. It is absolutely not appropriate to then try and 'find out'.

She's not their mother, her parents are not their grandparents. Her parents money is her their child and grandchild.

I ask again, how far down does this go? Is the daughter of the OP 'not supposed to' leave her money to, say, a good friend because the grandparents didn't have a relationship with said friend? For how many generations does it remain 'the grandparent's money', earmarked for specific people they would have approved of it going to?

Say the grandparents were rabidly pro-life - should the DD not spend that money on an abortion if she needs one?

It's silly. The OP only wants the grandparents to leave the money to her child not her because she wants to leave that extra money to her child only, and by getting it to skip a generation she can avoid being the one who has to explicitly do that. And the reason she doesn't want to do that is because she is aware it could play very badly to her husband and her SC in terms of how she perceives them.

So her husband is supposed to know the ins and outs of his exes parents assets? You've no idea how long ago they split...

He might have no idea. That’s not the point. The question I was answering was how I know the OP doesn’t particularly care: because she hasn’t asked.

And it's not through lack of care. No sane person would 'try and find out' what her husbands exes parents intended to leave to their grandchildren. How ridiculous.