Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would you be offended if your spouse did this?

613 replies

PiecesOfPie · 30/11/2020 12:28

I am an only child, my parents have quite a large estate which is in trust. I am the sole beneficiary of this (with them life time beneficiaries). The amount would be quite substantial.

My husband and I share one DC, he has 2 with his ex partner.

I have not yet discussed the situation with a solicitor but I want to broach the subject with DH and then get legal advice for when this happens. As far as I am aware, there are times when inheritance can be viewed as a marital asset in the case of separation?

I'd like to see a solicitor about essentially ring fencing this so that it can be left solely in my will to our 1 DC only. Essentially, I don't want any of the funds going to my husband and then onto my step children if we were to ever divorce.

Would you be insulted if your spouse suggested this to you? Yes it would mean that our DC would have the chance to inherit a lot more than my SC but it would be from me (my parents really), not their dad.

I must admit I'm not hugely clued up on all the rules and law surrounding this sort of thing and to clarify I have not yet sought any legal advice so this is entirely hypothetical right now.

OP posts:
AbsolutelyCrackin · 01/12/2020 10:52

@flaviaritt

So her husband is supposed to know the ins and outs of his exes parents assets? You've no idea how long ago they split...

He might have no idea. That’s not the point. The question I was answering was how I know the OP doesn’t particularly care: because she hasn’t asked.

Did she say she hadn't asked? Or are you assuming.

She said she didn't know. She may well have asked. He may also not know...hence OP not knowing.

Not that I would ask if I were OP either. Because it's weird.

AbsolutelyCrackin · 01/12/2020 10:54

I ask again, how far down does this go? Is the daughter of the OP 'not supposed to' leave her money to, say, a good friend because the grandparents didn't have a relationship with said friend? For how many generations does it remain 'the grandparent's money', earmarked for specific people they would have approved of it going to?

If you actually read OPs posts she's already said whatever her DC does with it is up to them, even if they later choose to split it with their siblings. This is what OP wants to do with it. Her DC can do what they like, as she's said.

LoveandHateWhatABeautifulComb · 01/12/2020 10:59

I ask again, how far down does this go? Is the daughter of the OP 'not supposed to' leave her money to, say, a good friend because the grandparents didn't have a relationship with said friend? For how many generations does it remain 'the grandparent's money', earmarked for specific people they would have approved of it going to

Thats just a load of nonsense whataboutery.

Stop pretending its anything other than completely normal to leave your money to your own children and family.

Gobacktothe90s · 01/12/2020 10:59

I always find it sad that people don't view step children with their partner as equals to their own children and view them as less worthy if you are married and a active part of their lives.
Yes it's your money you can do what you like with it but to try and protect any money going to your partners children as well as the child you have together seems wrong.

LoveandHateWhatABeautifulComb · 01/12/2020 11:01

I always find it sad that people don't view step children with their partner as equals to their own children

Do you? How naive and silly of you. It's bizarre to imagine that unrelated to you kids that you only met as teens, for example, would mean exactly the same to you as your own children.

aSofaNearYou · 01/12/2020 11:05

As ever the same people are here spouting absolute nonsense. His older children will be adults when this even comes into question. If they can't understand an explanation of "your SM had some money from her side of the family that you barely knew that she wanted to leave to her daughter", then there is something wrong with their upbringing. It's not upsetting, it's not unfair. The only reason her husband or his "kids" would have to take offense at this is greed.

Betterversionofme · 01/12/2020 11:06

I wouldn't discuss it with DH at all. Just with my lawyer. I would do all to ring-fence for myself and my child in case of a divorce or my death. DH would learn about it only during financial settlement during divorce or after I am dead.

AbsolutelyCrackin · 01/12/2020 11:08

This surely depends though how that particular family operates.

My child's step mother doesn't view my children as equal (to her) as her own. They are treated fairly and kindly day to day but I know (and completely understand) that her children are her top priority just as mine are mine, in the same way she is not an equal parent to them as me and ex. She has never played mum, the children barely see her side of the family and they don't consider them 'their family'. They still get on very well with her though and they love each other in their own way. No one is upset about it, everyone understands that there are some differences between the children's particular family. They have grandparents here with me so they don't need to feel aggrieved or upset that their siblings have a different set of grandparents with their mum.

It becomes risky in my opinion if people pretend or force the whole 'everyone is equal' when they aren't. If your step children are made to feel by your wider family that they are very much equally part of it then yes of course it would be upsetting to later find out you weren't. If they have never been made to feel that way or had those types of relationships then why would it be surprising all of a sudden? Especially older step children. Older step kids don't always want another mum/dad/set of grandparents. It's very different to meeting a toddler for example who doesn't yet have the understanding to differentiate.

AbsolutelyCrackin · 01/12/2020 11:09

If they can't understand an explanation of "your SM had some money from her side of the family that you barely knew that she wanted to leave to her daughter", then there is something wrong with their upbringing

Agree. The only reason you would feel anything about this is if you were extremely entitled.

But 'it's not about the money' obviously.

flaviaritt · 01/12/2020 11:09

No sane person would 'try and find out' what her husbands exes parents intended to leave to their grandchildren.

We have a different definition of same, then. Before alienating a considerable sum from myself so that my child could inherit it all, I’d ask some questions, and try to find out whether the kids my husband brought to our marriage - who are also in my family - were likely to be okay.

flaviaritt · 01/12/2020 11:10

Stop pretending its anything other than completely normal to leave your money to your own children and family

It’s absolutely normal. My DSC would become my family when I married their dad.

VeniceQueen2004 · 01/12/2020 11:11

Also, to what extent does this extend?

Does the OP not have to buy any Christmas presents for her SC because 'they'll get them from their mum and dad, why should they get one from me too when my DD won't get one from their mum?"

If the OP buys her DD an ice-cream when the family are in the park, does she turn round to the dad and say "well these are your kids, you can buy them an ice-cream out of YOUR money?"

It's different if we're talking grown kids who never lived with you; but if you are in a partnership with your partner, you co-parent the children in your house together, surely?

No-one would say it was OK to have one rule for the DD and another for the SC (bedtimes, behaviour, rules etc) JUST because they were 'not my children'. No-one would say it was sensible for OP to drive her DD to school but not drive the SC to the same school because they're 'not her children'. Or at least I bloody hope not. But suddenly when it's about money she can treat them like they're nothing to her, or jump through these legal hoops to ensure her own DD (their sister) is advantaged over them.

Far from uncommon; it seems many stepparents want the man/woman, but see the kids like an unwelcome side-effect to be minimised as much as possible. Especially once 'our own kids' arrive. I think this is particularly common in stepmums because it's common for kids to live for more time with their mother, so it's easy for a step-mum to see them as occasional 'visitors' rather than their husband's real children.

Some people think things should be kinder for kids who have already suffered the break-up of their family, and have to move between two different households, only having each parent part of the time whilst subsequent half-siblings have them all the time.

Always makes me laugh when such children are described as advantaged by having 'two homes' and 'two bedrooms' and 'extra parents'; believe me, what most children want is one home with one mum and one dad who love each other.

The fact so many have to do without that is sad but a necessity; the fact they are then expected to accept additional adults in their lives who have the power to take over their space and tell them what to do, but no obligation to love and support them and treat them equally in the household because they're 'not my child', is sadder still.

And the fact so many adults have absolutely zero sympathy for such children and seem to actively dislike them... well I think that's sad too. Not saying that's the case with the OP, but so many of the spiteful comments on here ('they are not your family, they are nothing to do with you, you owe them nothing, what they inherit isn't your problem') seem actively antagonistic to me.

flaviaritt · 01/12/2020 11:12

Did she say she hadn't asked? Or are you assuming.

I am assuming. Because she didn’t say, “I asked and he doesn’t know”, she said (effectively) “I don’t know and am not going to do anything to find out. I just want to do it this way.”

AbsolutelyCrackin · 01/12/2020 11:13

@flaviaritt

No sane person would 'try and find out' what her husbands exes parents intended to leave to their grandchildren.

We have a different definition of same, then. Before alienating a considerable sum from myself so that my child could inherit it all, I’d ask some questions, and try to find out whether the kids my husband brought to our marriage - who are also in my family - were likely to be okay.

It doesn't sound like any of these children will be absolutely penniless though. OP has already said they will inherit from her and her husband who sound comfortably well off. The fact that one has more doesn't mean the others have nothing. It might not be the exact same amount but that's life, they don't have the same parents or grandparents.
aSofaNearYou · 01/12/2020 11:13

@flaviaritt they are not going to starve on the streets if they don't get this inheritance, they are not reliant on inheritance to survive.

VeniceQueen2004 · 01/12/2020 11:14

If you actually read OPs posts she's already said whatever her DC does with it is up to them, even if they later choose to split it with their siblings. This is what OP wants to do with it. Her DC can do what they like, as she's said.

So why doesn't the OP have the nuts to inherit the money from her parents and then leave a big chunk of what would then be HER estate to her DD?

Because she knows how it looks, is why. So she wants to avoid the unpleasantness by persuading the grandparents to bypass her and give it straight to the DD.

flaviaritt · 01/12/2020 11:15

they are not going to starve on the streets if they don't get this inheritance, they are not reliant on inheritance to survive.

Nor is the OP’s child going to starve if she doesn’t get ALL of it. So that clearly isn’t the criteria, or the OP would cheerfully will it to all the children in her family.

Hellothere19999 · 01/12/2020 11:15

Off topic but I’m so confused by posts like this. You can discuss it with a load of anonymous strangers online but you can’t ask the closest person to you, with whom you share a child, a hypothetical question?

VeniceQueen2004 · 01/12/2020 11:15

Stop pretending its anything other than completely normal to leave your money to your own children and family.

It is completely normal... but, in these days of divorce and blended families, it is also completely normal to create a new 'family' involving partners' kids who are not biologically yours (but are the siblings of 'your' children, live in your house, defer to your authority etc). So it's not as simple as 'you're my blood relative, no-one else is anything to me'. Or, IMO, it shouldn't be.

LoveandHateWhatABeautifulComb · 01/12/2020 11:16

So it's not as simple as 'you're my blood relative, no-one else is anything to me'. Or, IMO, it shouldn't be

Probably why no-one said it was.

flaviaritt · 01/12/2020 11:16

It doesn't sound like any of these children will be absolutely penniless though. OP has already said they will inherit from her and her husband who sound comfortably well off. The fact that one has more doesn't mean the others have nothing. It might not be the exact same amount but that's life, they don't have the same parents or grandparents.

It’s also ‘life’ that when you make a family you become (at least ethically) responsible for the minors in that family. Her DD isn’t going to be penniless if she has to share either.

AbsolutelyCrackin · 01/12/2020 11:16

But suddenly when it's about money she can treat them like they're nothing to her

If OP felt that, she would leave her 50% of hers and DHs assets to her child only as well. Which lots of posters here do do (and are often told is right), but she has already said the DSC will inherit from her via her and DHs estate. Just that she wants to keep her parents money separate from that.

There is also a big difference between inheritance and getting someone a Christmas present, don't be obtuse.

VeniceQueen2004 · 01/12/2020 11:17

Do you? How naive and silly of you. It's bizarre to imagine that unrelated to you kids that you only met as teens, for example, would mean exactly the same to you as your own children.

It's not about what they 'mean' to you. FFS. It's about how you treat them. And adults should treat all the children living in their home equally. Same rules, same privileges. Because that's fair.

flaviaritt · 01/12/2020 11:18

Anyway, as I said, the OP can legally do as she likes. I can think it’s wrong, though.

AbsolutelyCrackin · 01/12/2020 11:19

@VeniceQueen2004

Stop pretending its anything other than completely normal to leave your money to your own children and family.

It is completely normal... but, in these days of divorce and blended families, it is also completely normal to create a new 'family' involving partners' kids who are not biologically yours (but are the siblings of 'your' children, live in your house, defer to your authority etc). So it's not as simple as 'you're my blood relative, no-one else is anything to me'. Or, IMO, it shouldn't be.

And it's also completely normal for SPs to be expected not to tread on toes, not to act like mum, not to get too involved, not to go to this play or that parents evenings, not to have any legal responsibility over the children or any opportunity to see them again if they split tomorrow, to keep out of X Y or Z because it's none of their business. But sure, when there's money involved it's all hands on deck right.