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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be offended if your spouse did this?

613 replies

PiecesOfPie · 30/11/2020 12:28

I am an only child, my parents have quite a large estate which is in trust. I am the sole beneficiary of this (with them life time beneficiaries). The amount would be quite substantial.

My husband and I share one DC, he has 2 with his ex partner.

I have not yet discussed the situation with a solicitor but I want to broach the subject with DH and then get legal advice for when this happens. As far as I am aware, there are times when inheritance can be viewed as a marital asset in the case of separation?

I'd like to see a solicitor about essentially ring fencing this so that it can be left solely in my will to our 1 DC only. Essentially, I don't want any of the funds going to my husband and then onto my step children if we were to ever divorce.

Would you be insulted if your spouse suggested this to you? Yes it would mean that our DC would have the chance to inherit a lot more than my SC but it would be from me (my parents really), not their dad.

I must admit I'm not hugely clued up on all the rules and law surrounding this sort of thing and to clarify I have not yet sought any legal advice so this is entirely hypothetical right now.

OP posts:
NailsNeedDoing · 01/12/2020 08:20

It’s why should they inherit from the OP? And the answer (to me) is that she willingly formed that family, her eyes wide open. I don’t think what she is going to do is absolutely disgusting or anything, but it is definitely not what I would do, and that’s why.

Her parents, who the money in question actually belongs to, didn’t willingly form that family with their eyes wide open though. They created a trust for their own daughter, not their daughters spouses children from a relationship he had before he even knew her.

The OP has repeatedly said that her children and step children will benefit from what is hers to leave. Her parents money is different.

38DegreesToday · 01/12/2020 08:21

@flaviaritt

38DegreesToday

True!

Grin yep!
aeiouaeiouaeiou · 01/12/2020 08:23

You need legal advice. I've not RTFT but I've just received a substantial sum of money from my mum and asked about what right or claim my DH may have on it if we ever divorced. Apparently more often than not once you've been married six years all assets from whatever source are classed as joint.

Ideally you need to speak to a wealth planning type of financial advisor and then your solicitor.

NailsNeedDoing · 01/12/2020 08:34

The point that has been made about a potential rift between the step siblings is an interesting one that deserves some consideration, but really, I can’t see why it would be a huge problem unless some children are brought up to expect something that they shouldn’t.

And how far do you take that consideration anyway? What if the OPs DH split up with her and had another child, creating a half sibling for her son? Would she be obliged to leave to that child too? I’m sure people wouldn’t think that she should leave to a younger half sibling of her child, but they’d have a closer relationship as half siblings than as step siblings.

My dc will have help from me, their younger half sibling (who they are close to) won’t, and there probably will be a disparity in their lives because of it. But unless their younger sibling grows up to be grabby and entitled, there’s no reason it should affect their relationship.

flaviaritt · 01/12/2020 08:35

Her parents, who the money in question actually belongs to, didn’t willingly form that family with their eyes wide open though. They created a trust for their own daughter, not their daughters spouses children from a relationship he had before he even knew her.

Yes, but the OP is deliberately asking that that money skip a generation so as to maintain the fiction that it is nothing to do with her.

flaviaritt · 01/12/2020 08:37

Because it is not OP’s money, it’s her parents leaving it to her upon their death.

At which point it would become her money. She is seeking to avoid that so that she doesn’t need to consider her actual family, that she made, just her first child.

phoenixrosehere · 01/12/2020 08:38

Honestly, why bother marrying and dragging young people through this if this is the way you feel? Just go out for a pizza, FGS. Get a hotel room.

Wow. Now, you’re being ridiculous.

Also, why would said stepchildren even know about an inheritance? By time this inheritance comes through which is none of their business anyway they could be adults.

OP said

There is 11 years between our DC and the youngest.

So her youngest stepchild could be 11 or older since we don’t know how old her own is (unless I missed it) and the rest of her stepchildren are older than that. OP may not even tell her own child until they are older. Why do you assume these children will know about this before anything has happened?

Youseethethingis · 01/12/2020 08:39

Honestly, why bother marrying and dragging young people through this if this is the way you feel? Just go out for a pizza, FGS. Get a hotel room.
Lol DSD isn’t dragged anywhere and does very well out of her dads marriage to me (and will do again when we die). She’s just not fed a false narrative that I’m her mother and my parents owe her an inheritance 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
PiecesOfPie · 01/12/2020 08:41

The point that has been made about a potential rift between the step siblings is an interesting one that deserves some consideration

This is why I think it's better if it just bypasses me completely. Because in that way it is my parents leaving it to DC, not me. In that case I would be pretty surprised if any adult DSC were 'very angry' or whatever that grandparents of their sibling, that they had no relationship with, left their sibling inheritance. They wouldn't know that it could have come down through me first. To them it's just GPs leaving to their GC, of which they aren't. As an adult I really wouldn't dream of being mad at that personally.

OP posts:
Original poster
PiecesOfPie · 01/12/2020 08:45

I appreciate Flaviaritt thinks that's wrong though, I'll agree to disagree.

OP posts:
Pr1mr0se · 01/12/2020 08:45

Make sure your wishes are reflected accurately in your will. You can add clauses that specifically name the step kids as not beneficiaries. Proper legal advice is the only way to go. Obviously your will cannot be a mirror will of your husbands.

getsomehelp · 01/12/2020 08:47

Re the "share the £ with all the children & step children."
Do you imagine the step children's grandmother & husband, is there another grandfather somewhere too ? will be sharing any inheritance with their EX son in law's 2nd family ? The answer is obviously No.
basically families take care of their own blood line...

flaviaritt · 01/12/2020 08:48

I’m not going to press it, either with the OP or anyone else. I guess I just have a different opinion on what is right. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Oreservoir · 01/12/2020 08:53

What is the point of you having an inheritance if you pass it straight to dc?
I would have a lump passed to dc but are you really so rich that you don't want anything that this money could buy?

Original poster
PiecesOfPie · 01/12/2020 08:56

I personally think a lot of this comes down to how a particular 'blended family' works.

Some do see all the children as 'theirs' and everyone, even wider family treat everyone the same, SCs call your parents grandma and grandad etc etc...

But they certainly aren't all like that and I think some people can't accept that in some cases it wouldn't be right or even possible to force it into that. I guess in an ideal world.

In my particular case, I don't think of the DSC as my children. I care about them yes but they have two involved parents of which I am neither and they too do not think of me in that way. Likewise, they have never had much of a relationship with my family, not because anyone is cruel or unkind, just because they were old enough when we met to know that Pies parents aren't their grandparents and so on, they have involved grandparents and they don't see mine that much.

No one is emotionally scarred or rocking in a corner, they just know that their family and their siblings family have different people in it.

So when people say 'it will make them feel lesser'... They already know that particular family relations don't involve them as much as their sibling (and vice versa with their mums side of the family). It's not that they are lesser, it's just that their families are different.

OP posts:
Original poster
PiecesOfPie · 01/12/2020 08:58

@Oreservoir

What is the point of you having an inheritance if you pass it straight to dc? I would have a lump passed to dc but are you really so rich that you don't want anything that this money could buy?
I guess it depends what you deem as important. It's more important to me that I secure DCs future rather than buying things for me personally. That's what I'd want to do with it.
OP posts:
Womencanlift · 01/12/2020 08:58

You are not being unreasonable at all OP.

I have a step mum and if her mum had left anything in her will to my half siblings then I would not have even thought for a second about it.

The same happened when my own maternal gran died. I got a very very small inheritance. Do posters think my half siblings had a right to this even though they had no relationship with my gran whatsoever?

If your step children will be looked after by their own two sets of grandparents (assuming there are 2 sets) then why should they benefit from a third? Especially if the OPs will only benefit from 2. MN is a very strange place sometimes

IdblowJonSnow · 01/12/2020 09:03

I'd be offended if I was him.
I grew up with my 2 older half sisters, same mum, different dad. If my dad left more to ne than them I would be horrified!

Have you helped raise the children? Do you love them? What ages are they now and how old were they when they came in to your life? For me, all those things are factors
I haven't read the full thread so apologies if I've missed this information.

phoenixrosehere · 01/12/2020 09:12

OP, you are being sensible and going off your experience which is as you said different from other blended families.

In that case I would be pretty surprised if any adult DSC were 'very angry' or whatever that grandparents of their sibling, that they had no relationship with, left their sibling inheritance.

I would too and also think such behaviour off-putting.

FakeFlamingo · 01/12/2020 09:31

Your child would lose the Residence Nil Rate Band if they inherit directly from grandparents. Might be worth considering what are the assets and their value before you set it up as a direct inheritance.

Curlygirl06 · 01/12/2020 09:47

Similar situation here but no joint children, we were too old to have any when we married.
My mum died and all of her children (me included) inherited her half of their house. This is in trust and my dad can live there until he dies, move house etc but we can't touch it until he dies.
If I died before him, my "share" of the house is willed to my children, not my step children. All the kids were older teenagers when we married. My dh's parents have left their house to their children, but should they die before their parents my in laws have willed their respective shares to their blood grandchildren.
If our parents die before us, any money from them becomes OUR inheritance, to do with as we please. Neither of us plans to ring fence it for our respective children but if there's any left when we go then it's divided between all of them. (We're not talking millions here)
Our finances have been mixed over the years, I recieved a substantial redundancy payment, a large pension payment etc that is all mixed in, dh had a lot of money from his marital home so separating that would be difficult.
However, our own estate at the moment is divided between all of them and importantly they all know that. There has been considerable gifts to some for house buying and that has been dealt with in our wills. They all have had a letter explaining everything so they know what's what and have the opportunity to discuss it now.
My parents money and his parents money are completely separate issues.

EWAB · 01/12/2020 10:00

My mother-in-law bypassed her 3 sons and left life-changing sums of money to her six grandchildren equally so the family with 3 children benefited disproportionately.
This was done so my son from another relationship would not benefit by default. So I have one don set up for life and another with nog a penny. My partner is disgruntled and relationships are not the same.
My partner’s cousin and her husband is trustee and on the two occasions we have asked for money so younger son can go on expensive trips that he would solely benefit from we have been refused. Older son would benefit by default according to them.
Older son blamed me for making him think he was part of that family when he clearly wasn’t.

VeniceQueen2004 · 01/12/2020 10:11

I think those who are giving you a hard time on here don't really understand, you are describing an issue specific to family wealth.

Grin Yes, the plebs really don't understand the importance of ensuring that privilege remains with the established bloodline!

flaviaritt · 01/12/2020 10:20

grin Yes, the plebs really don't understand the importance of ensuring that privilege remains with the established bloodline!

😂 It’s such an odd way to think, in my view.

VeniceQueen2004 · 01/12/2020 10:24

@flaviaritt

I’m not going to press it, either with the OP or anyone else. I guess I just have a different opinion on what is right.

If it helps I agree with you. I think if the OP's partner didn't have SC she'd just inherit the money from her parents, at which point it would become 'her' money, not 'their' money, and share it with her husband and children while alive, and leave it to her husband/children/friends/dog's home she preferred in the usual way, without considering her parents' relationship to any of those beneficiaries.

It's only because of the horrifying notion some of this money (her money, buy that point, not her parents') might end up with ANOTHER WOMAN'S CHILDREN she is going to leap through all these hoops to protect it from them, citing 'her parent's wishes' as an excuse when quite clearly it is her own wish to not share her full net worth with her husband because then it stands a chance of ending up with his other children. So she is going to cut off her own nose to spite her SC's face basically by avoiding the inheritance.

If the grandparents were going to spontaneously leave it to their DGC, that would make sense to me - they made no commitment to the SC by taking up with their father. But the fact seems to be that they (quite sensibly) would of themselves leave the money to their only daughter, and consider that after that it was none of their business what happened to it, being dead and all.

I mean how far down the line does this go? Should the OP's daughter also be inhibited from leaving the money to anyone not of her direct bloodline (friend, lover, donkey sanctuary) because it's 'not what your grandparents would have wanted'?? It's bloody bonkers.

Still people will jump through any mental and legal hoops to justify the fact that they wanted the man, but they didn't want the children that came with him - and didn't stop for a minute to wonder if that was ethical or kind.