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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Drink Driving

172 replies

Kit0069 · 30/11/2020 09:31

I have just reported my wife, whom I love very much, for drink driving. I am broken hearted. Understandable she hates for what I have done as she will lose her job and faces a prison sentence. Was I right to do this and destroy my life with her.

OP posts:
Kit0069 · 09/02/2021 22:08

Yes I do feel responsible. I know it’s crazy but my moaning about her drinking just pushed it underground and made her drive out to do her drinking then drive home drunk. No she had not accepted responsibility but when she goes to trial in June it may be a wake up call.

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Kit0069 · 09/02/2021 22:10

I’m sorry to hear this. Everyone on here had been very supportive but I love my wife and carry a great burden of guilt for reporting her. It really is a horrible thing to have to do.

OP posts:
Kit0069 · 09/02/2021 22:12

So many heart breaking messages. It’s an odd position, I feel guilty for reporting her but feel guilty for waiting so long to do so. I’m basically a screwed up guy. But bless you for your message.

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Kit0069 · 09/02/2021 22:14

Hanging on in x

OP posts:
Kit0069 · 09/02/2021 22:16

@Barton10

Has she been charged with drink driving before? if not she is unlikely to receive a prison sentence unless she blew over 100 on the breathalyser and even then she is likely to receive a suspended sentence. She is also likely to receive a requirement to attend alcohol awareness support such as Swanswell or Turning Point. It may be the thing that finally turns her life around. You did the right thing and be glad that nobody got hurt.
First offence but blew 132. She could hardly stand. The police were waiting outside of the house for her to return.
OP posts:
Kit0069 · 09/02/2021 22:17

@MinnieJackson

How are you doing *@Kit0069*? Flowers
I’m hanging on in. Getting support for my guilt.
OP posts:
Inpersuitofhappiness · 09/02/2021 22:20

You have done the best thing for her and everyone else. She is angry at you, and she's blaming you, but you have done nothing wrong.

This may be the catalyst for great and positive changes in her life. This may be the first time that her dependence on alcohol has actually had consequences for her.

Lollyneenah · 09/02/2021 22:22

My aunt was killed by a drink driver. You've done the right thing Flowers

MrsCalypsoGrant · 09/02/2021 22:46

@Kit0069 You have done absolutely the right thing at every stage. She could have killed someone, imagine if that someone had been a child. It would have been her responsibility solely - she's the one who is choosing to drink & drive - but imagine how you would have felt if you hadn't done everything in your power to prevent it. My cousin was paralysed from the neck down as a teenager by a drink driver. She's in her fifties now, her life has never recovered.

You being unhappy with her drinking is not an excuse for her to simply drink elsewhere, putting others at risk in the prices. None of this is on you. It's on her.

Please don't beat yourself up about this. I know something of how you are feeling - my ex was an alcoholic & was banned after a drink driving accident. This was before I met her, I had no idea. She drank herself to death at 51. That wasn't my fault, it was hers. This isn't your fault, it's your wife's.

You've acted like a decent & responsible adult. I applaud you. Please take time for you, think not only about what you want for your future, but about what is possible. I used to want a future with my ex, but in that imagined future she was dry. The truth is that future was never going to happen. Eventually I faced up to that, & I had to think of another future, in which I was still ok & not living with the consequences of her actions. I got out of the relationship & for what it's worth am now happy in a new relationship.

I'm grateful to people like you who do the right thing even when it feels like the worst thing. I wish you all the very best.

jackstini · 09/02/2021 22:48

I was hit by a drunk driver when I was 19; he was more than 3 X over the limit when they forced a test 2 hours after (he refused to blow)

You definitely did the right thing but I bet it must be so hard for you right now; keep hanging in there

AlCalavicci · 09/02/2021 23:09

@Kit0069
You gave done the right thing,

I reported my ex for D&D many years ago .
He rode a moter bike to work but the drove a huge tipper truck , the thought of the carnage he would of caused scared me into calling the police and the company he worked for.

His boss made him stay on site till the police arrived, he was almost three times over the limit. He got sacked on the spot.
I felt terrible but he could of killed a whole family or more ,
We went through a very rough patch but he got the help he needed eventually.
The guilt stayed with me for a long time until I hear of a friend been hit by a drunk driver , foutnatly no one was hurt but it made me wish that who ever had known that driver had also reported him .

I would do it again .

Kit0069 · 11/02/2021 20:13

[quote AlCalavicci]@Kit0069
You gave done the right thing,

I reported my ex for D&D many years ago .
He rode a moter bike to work but the drove a huge tipper truck , the thought of the carnage he would of caused scared me into calling the police and the company he worked for.

His boss made him stay on site till the police arrived, he was almost three times over the limit. He got sacked on the spot.
I felt terrible but he could of killed a whole family or more ,
We went through a very rough patch but he got the help he needed eventually.
The guilt stayed with me for a long time until I hear of a friend been hit by a drunk driver , foutnatly no one was hurt but it made me wish that who ever had known that driver had also reported him .

I would do it again .[/quote]
Very much my situation thank you

OP posts:
Onairjunkie · 11/02/2021 20:26

Hi Kit

I hope you’re doing ok. Is she still drinking and driving? I believe she was when you checked in before.

This isn’t your burden to feel guilty for. You did the right thing. You have almost certainly prevented someone, even her, from being injured.

Do you know what sort of penalty she’s facing? Have you been advised?

Assuming it’s a first offence (that she’s been caught for) she may be looking at around a 3 year ban, fairly hefty community order or she could face a custodial sentence as I understand it.

Kit0069 · 13/02/2021 14:21

Yes still drink driving. She is contesting police evidence so it will go to trial in June 🙁

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Desmondo2016 · 13/02/2021 14:26

Honestly? She's being stupid, has this not destroyed all respect and love you had for her? Alcoholism may be a disease but that doesn't extend to choosing to drive. Have you considered reporting her again?

Ginfordinner · 13/02/2021 14:29

@Kit0069

Yes still drink driving. She is contesting police evidence so it will go to trial in June 🙁
Please report her again. You owe it to other road users to do so.
justthecat · 13/02/2021 14:34

I agree also to report her again, it’s disgusting she’s still doing it

AlCalavicci · 16/02/2021 22:18

@Kit0069
I am sorry you are going through this , I know how hard it is but she has got to be stopped.
Please report her again , and as many times as is needed to get her to stop D&D.

Alcoholism is a dreadful disease and stops people from understanding how devastating their actions could be.
Not just with D&D but in other aspects too like work , relationships, family , money .

She needs help but she needs to admit that she has a problem and wants help.
You can't force it on her and should never feel guilty in any way for not been able to help her.

Stay strong ((hugs))

Kit0069 · 22/03/2021 09:05

Thanks for the supportive message it does help x

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MrsCalypsoGrant · 22/03/2021 22:51

@Kit0069 How are you doing?

Kit0069 · 22/03/2021 23:01

Not too good. Living apart but in family home. She continues to drink drive and because of CV19 court delayed until June so she still has her licence. Trying to be supportive but looking to move out as stress of watching helplessly this disaster waiting to happen is unbearable. How kind to ask.

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PantherPantherus · 22/03/2021 23:06

I hope she does not live near me or my children's school.

She only has herself to blame now, not you.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 22/03/2021 23:40

What on earth are the powers that be waiting for exactly for her to kill or seriously maim someone. Oh no wait a minute they're too busy threatening old ladies for drinking tea with their neighbour.Angry
Why has the car not been taken away from her. I don't understand surely an idiot can see she shouldn't be on the roads. If she can't behave her self she should be on remand! She's a disgrace.

MatildaTheCat · 22/03/2021 23:51

You have to report her again if she is DD still. The guilt if she had an accident would be overwhelming even though it wouldn’t be your fault.

It’s terribly sad but she needs protecting from herself never mind the other people who she could destroy.

Please do it. You have been brave and it’s the only reasonable thing to do.

HopeClearwater · 23/03/2021 00:04

You did the right thing. I also had to do this to my spouse some years ago and I do not regret it. Carry on getting help. There’s some great advice on this thread, the 3 C’s are mentioned, and those are worth hanging on to. Flowers

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