Drink Driving

[Kit0069]

I have just reported my wife, whom I love very much, for drink driving. I am broken hearted. Understandable she hates for what I have done as she will lose her job and faces a prison sentence. Was I right to do this and destroy my life with her.

What was her reaction to you reporting her? How has she been since then, has she still continued to drink?

I think you did the right thing.

Prison is possibly

She hates me and still D&D fortunately company car so she will lose it

You did the right thing. Maybe this will be a wake up call for her.

OP, she placed you in an impossible situation: had you said nothing and she had an accident and hurt or killed a third party how would you be feeling now? Or killed herself? This is not a disease you can have any influence over. You did the right thing and in time she will realise that. Hopefully she will receive treatment for her addiction and not just a driving ban. In your last update you infer she is still drink driving, is that right? Are you in the UK or elsewhere?

If shes still drinking and driving she hasnt learnt her lesson. Dont feel guilt you have none. It's all on her.

Really difficult situation for you to be in, I’m sorry you’re having to go through this.
Some people wouldn’t have done it, but ultimately you have done the right thing. She probably won’t go to prison if this is her first offence, maybe a suspended one and/or a fine. And maybe the requirement to attend counselling and maybe even community service. This doesn’t HAVE to be the end, this could actually be the wake up call she needs, and a chance to get help.
BUT, having dealt with a family member who is an addict, I would never ever judge someone for walking away. Living with and supporting an addict is hard, you’re constantly worrying about them, dreading each phone call, wondering what you’re going to come home to, wondering who else knows or if it’s still a well kept secret.
Yes she is important to you and the likelihood is there’s a reason it’s got to this point, but just remember, you potentially saved more than one life by doing this.

Well done, I imagine that was a very hard thing to do.
You might have helped her as this might be rock bottom for her and she might realise this and get help. You have probably saved her from being a murderer ( which is how I view DDs who kill people) as well

@Kit0069

I understand but my burden of guilt is unbearable. I've hurt the person I love the most in the world.

Consider the alternative, if you had chosen to not report her. What would have happened then?

She would have continued to drink-drive. Eventually, she would have been in an accident. 'Eventually' could be years from now, it could be later today. The only alternative to her being involved in an accident is dying of liver failure first.

If there had been no injuries, the other driver would have smelled it on her breath/seen it in her behaviour and got the police involved. She'd have lost her job. That's best-case scenario.

The accident caused injuries. The police would definitely be involved. You would feel guilt knowing that had you reported her earlier, that person would not have been injured, possibly to a life-altering degree (paralysis, say). Or you'd have felt guilt that your wife would not have been injured. Or both. Maybe you'd spend the rest of your life being her carer. She'd have lost her job, regardless.

Worst-case scenario, the accident caused death. The police would definitely be involved. You would feel guilt knowing that had you reported her earlier, that person would still be alive and their family would not be grieving/would not suffer financially etc. and your wife would be imprisoned. Or you'd have felt overwhelming guilt that your wife would still be alive had you stood up. Or both. And of course, she'd have lost her job.

So what I am seeing, from you reporting her, is best-case scenario. Nobody dead, nobody injured. Guilt at hurting her feelings and job, rather than the deeper guilt of not preventing innocent people from harm when it was in your power. All consequential harm (job loss/prison) restricted to the person who is the root cause of the harm.

"my burden of guilt is unbearable. I've hurt the person I love the most in the world."
You need to get past your guilt, because it's hurting you and nobody else. You did the right thing. You prevented physical injury/death to not only innocent strangers, but to your wife. You prevented her from carrying such a burden of guilt had she injured/killed through her drunk driving.

I'd suggest you medicate your guilt with anger. Get angry - at her. Get angry at her recklessness in drink-driving. Get angry at her destroying her own health. Get angry at her forcing you to live like this. Get angry, because you deserve to be angry at her.

And get in touch with Al-Anon. (www.al-anonuk.org.uk) They have the experience to support you through this.

My mum did this to my dad and it turned out to be his rock bottom. Was the best thing she could have done.

Sorry you are going through this. A horrible disease.

You may hear hurt her but you’ve potentially prevented her from hurting or killing another.

You appear to be saying she’s still drinking and driving? Is that right?

Yes 😢 but as it’s a company car she will lose it very quickly. Meantime I do my best.

Just want to say how grateful I am for support. It has really helped me. She had pled guilty and will be sentenced before a judge in two weeks. Meanwhile I’m seeking counselling for my guilt as I am so depressed. Love to all of you lovely people.

Imagine the guilt you'd feel if you hadn't reported her and she went on to kill someone. Maybe someone else's wife or mum or child? My friend had to grow up without a mum from the age of 6 because a drunk driver killed her.
She completely deserves what she gets and hopefully it is a prison sentence because she obviously can't control herself at the moment.
You should make plans to move forward without her.

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, imagine how you’d feel if you hadn’t reported her and she killed somebody.

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, imagine how you’d feel if you hadn’t reported her and she killed somebody.

Agree with this

Every single time she drinks and drives you need to ring the police and have zero guilt about it. You are saving lives.

Is she sorry for what she’s doing, or is she just angry at you and feeling like a victim?

So you're seeking counselling, what is she doing ?
Nothing is my guess

You did the right thing OP, you are a good person. It must have been so difficult and it took a lot of bravery.
Its hard to be objective about our own circumstances but everyone here is commending your actions and hopefully one day you will be able to see the bigger picture and be at peace with what you've had to do.

You have all been so helpful and kind. Case goes to court tomorrow. As she was 4x the limit she may go to prison. If she does I swear I think I will die of guilt.

Please don't. It really isn't your fault. And its one thing to be alcohol dependent and quite another to drive once you have been drinking. 4 x the legal limit is on the serious side of drunk driving, so she could most definitely killed or seriously injured someone. If that had happened she would definitely be looking at a custodial sentence and quite a long one. You did the right thing.

You did the right thing. But when did she actually drink and drive? Is it a regular thing? Totally wrong regardless but I say this as someone who reported their ex for drink driving. The police did naff all as there was no evidence.

I rang them as he drove off drunk from a car park near the pub and even told them the route he’d most likely be doing but they did absolutely my nothing and said they didn’t have the resources to find him. He also drank and drove regularly. He has been caught once and then went back to it.

If your relationship is strong you can get through it. We didn’t get through my ex’s drinking issues but you can if you want to make it work. Drink driving is so dangerous.

My nephew was killed by a drunk driver OP. As a result of that, his fiancée lost her soul mate and his much longed for first baby was born 2 months later so will never know his daddy apart from in family stories and photographs.

Separately, my neighbour was caught after having a minor accident outside a shop at lunchtime last summer. He was more than 4 times over the limit and only got a ban and a fine. (We're in Scotland though so our limit is lower. His reading was 93, our limit is 22). I think he deserved prison, personally. He's certainly still drinking so it clearly wasn't enough to give him a shake.

I hope it works out as well as possible for both you and your wife. You've certainly done nothing to feel guilty about.

The guilt that you are feeling would be a million times worse if she had hit someone. You did the right thing.

I’m assuming this isn’t the first time she’s been charged with driving under the influence of alcohol?

You can’t fix her, no matter how much you want to. It hurts.

I'm pleased your getting counselling to help you work through your feeling of guilt. You have done the right thing, and you know that in your heart.
You may well have saved lives, including hers.
I hope that she is able to access help to overcome her problems with alcohol, and to understand that you had to report her.