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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Drink Driving

172 replies

Kit0069 · 30/11/2020 09:31

I have just reported my wife, whom I love very much, for drink driving. I am broken hearted. Understandable she hates for what I have done as she will lose her job and faces a prison sentence. Was I right to do this and destroy my life with her.

OP posts:

Royalbloo · 20/01/2021 15:36

An ex colleague got done once and had their car taken away, but they were moved to an office job and someone gave them a lift in each day. He was fine but he won't ever do it again.

Well done for what you have done.

Perhaps try and step out of yourself and think what you would say to/think of someone else who had done this. I would be proud of them. You took the right action. Well done!

Original poster

Kit0069 · 20/01/2021 18:37

Regular. I have ignored for over two years - to my shame - the police told me to ring them when she drove out. I couldn’t bring myself to do that so logged an online report. I thought she would be home before they picked it up. However, they were waiting for her when she arrived home.

OP posts:

SameToo · 20/01/2021 18:43

I can only see positives in what you have done. You have spared her and others the utter horror of death by drink driving / drunk driver and you have spared her a charge of manslaughter. Hopefully off the back of this she will get some help for her problem.

A sincere well done for being courageous and reporting. In time she will see it as a kindness.

peak2021 · 20/01/2021 19:03

You did something that showed love, as I am sure you would not want her to have died in a car crash and known you could have done something to stop this. I hope the support you receive helps.

samanthawashington · 20/01/2021 19:12

The guilt is hers. You need to walk away and take any children with you. I have personally seen a young mother with a loving husband and children vomiting blood for the 4 time and needing surgery again, swearing she won't touch a drop again. Of course she will, she said the same after each occasion. The husband was hopefully walking away.

It's not your guilt. You cannot save her, she has to do that herself. It's self preservation.

Baileyscheesecake · 20/01/2021 19:13

Think how much worse your guilt would have been if you hadn’t reported her and she’d killed someone due to drink driving. You would feel complicit in their death. You definitely did the right thing. Don’t feel guilty. She should feel guilty for putting you in that situation.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 20/01/2021 21:26

I'm very sorry indeed for anyone who is going through this. There is addiction in my family - I grew up with an erratic, violent alcoholic for a father and my sibling is sadly now doing battle with the same condition. Addiction is a hideous disease. Watching a loved one suffer through it is no picnic either, as I'm sure anyone who has ever lived with an alcoholic will testify.

Your wife put you in an impossible position, and you'd be justified in feeling anger with her rather than vice versa. It's true no one willingly, consciously chooses to be an alcoholic. But we are all, 100%, responsible for the choices we make whether under the influence or not.

I hope she is able to seek help. But that decision is down to her alone. You can seek help yourself: when my sibling relapsed over the spring lockdown to the extent that I thought their life was in serious danger, I did the 'recovering families' programme through my local addiction rehabilitation service. I picked up a lot of useful strategies, not least some much-needed support.

I also hope your relationship will not be destroyed. You clearly don't want that to happen so that is ultimately down to her. You've done an incredibly hard thing and been cruel to be kind. Better a pissed-off wife, perhaps even an ex-wife, than a dead one and/or innocent bystanders taken with her.

for you.

Scrumbleton · 20/01/2021 21:47

My daughters friend was killed by a drunk driver before Christmas leaving 2 children motherless - without a shadow of doubt you’ve done the right and brave thing

Original poster

Kit0069 · 21/01/2021 12:09

OP posts:

Original poster

Kit0069 · 21/01/2021 12:12

Not sorry just bloody furious

OP posts:

Winterwoollies · 21/01/2021 12:38

@Kit0069

Not sorry just bloody furious

She’s seeing herself as a victim. As your victim. Selfish addict behaviour.

Do let us know the outcome. You’ve done the right thing.

jimmyjammy001 · 21/01/2021 12:47

You've obviously tried your best to stop her drinking and driving and now let the professionals take over, you did the right thing, she obviously doesn't respect you for the position she has put you in

MaryLoopyLoo · 21/01/2021 12:49

You absolutely have done the right thing. Your guilt would have been worse if she had killed someone.

JorisBonson · 21/01/2021 12:52

@Kit0069 I've been to some horrific crashes in my time as a police officer, many caused by drink drivers.

You potentially saved lives by doing what you did. You also might save your wife's life by stopping her drinking.

I'm so sorry you feel guilt like this and I can't imagine how hard it must be for you, but I hope you have found a crumb of comfort in the fact that you 100% did the right thing.

Original poster

Kit0069 · 22/01/2021 22:02

Thank you

OP posts:

MinnieJackson · 09/02/2021 06:42

How are you doing @Kit0069?

Chloemol · 09/02/2021 07:10

You did the right thing. Hopefully this is her wake up call

loulouljh · 09/02/2021 07:15

What an awful awful situation for you to be in. I have no idea what i would have done. I hope it works out for you alll....

Monty27 · 09/02/2021 07:20

She may be offered other forms of sentence like rehabilitation or community service

percheron67 · 09/02/2021 07:48

My first husband was killed by a drunk driver. You did the right thing.

LadyPenelope68 · 09/02/2021 07:56

@Kit0069
You are a very kind, caring and special person to make such a hard decision to report your wife in this way. You have likely saved the life, even lives, of others. As the Mother of a child who was killed by a drunk driver I thank you from the bottom of my heart ❤️

Monty27 · 09/02/2021 08:15

@percheron67

My first husband was killed by a drunk driver. You did the right thing.

I'm so sorry for your loss xx

midnightstar66 · 09/02/2021 08:23

I know it's easy to say but you must be feel guilty. You've potentially saved hers or others lives. Hopefully this is the wake up call she needs!

HappySonHappyMum · 09/02/2021 08:40

Do you feel guilty because of a misplaced sense of responsibility towards her? You must realise that the only person that could control her drinking is her.That phone call could have saved someones life. If this has been going on for years nothing was going to change without some sort of intervention. I hope you wife realises this and starts to take responsibility for her own actions in time.

Tinabn · 09/02/2021 09:30

YANBU. I pressed the wrong button so I want to make amends. My cousin was killed by a drunk driver who had had his licence removed after a previous offence, a friend died when he crashed his car when drunk. You did the right thing

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