To turn down big family holiday with DPs family

[leafcar]

I feel awful about this but it doesn't feel right to me to agree on going.

Me and DP moved back into my parents this year with our DS born in April, as we were struggling to get on the property ladder when renting so DM offered us to stay here to save, a huge help. We pay her reduced rent.

DP's family are very strong minded and outspoken, really difficult to say no to, especially his older brother.
He called us up the other day to say he decided to book a huge family holiday, and when I say huge I mean him, his short term girlfriend, her mam, dad, 2 sisters and grandad along with all of DPs family which is mam, stepdad, uncle, 2 cousins, grandad and then he wants me, DP and DS to come too. It's booked for Sept next year.

The following issues we have which make me feel it's not the right thing going:

1. we've moved back in with my parents on the basis we would save, not go on expensive family holidays (without them!)

2. I'm on maternity leave - this means I am no longer getting paid now until I return in March so we can't afford it.

3. Being on maternity leave means I can't book any annual leave until I return, so can't expect to get the time off as holidays are competitive and I have no access to see if anyone's booked off already.

4. it needs paying off by June, and I don't get paid until I return so 1.6k paid in 2/3 months isn't doable.

5. It's over £800 each so over 1.5K - this is a large chunk of money that should be going towards our deposit.

6. getting our own house sorted is more important to us than a 1 week holiday.

DP suggested we could either use credit cards (which are only there for emergencies) or use the money we've already saved to pay for it - It doesn't sit right with me at all if I was my DM I'd be thinking that we're taking the absolute mick out of her!

They've made us feel like we don't have a choice in the matter, all we hear is 'it'll be worth it' etc.

AIBU to say we can't go?

@Nanny0gg there is no problem, I actually fully believe that op is as she says she is and as entitled as she is coming across! Nothing to report 🤷🏽‍♀️

[quote Plonque]@Nanny0gg there is no problem, I actually fully believe that op is as she says she is and as entitled as she is coming across! Nothing to report 🤷🏽‍♀️[/quote]
Entitled for turning down a 1.6K+ holiday when everyone in DPs entire family is going and wants us to come as well...

It doesn't matter AT ALL to me whether you are or are not the poster who bought the electric car, OP, however you might consider that if by any chance you have bought a new car lately, then

they don't quite seem to take us seriously when we didn't seem keen

makes quite a bit of sense.

Because from an outsider's POV, you do look as if you can afford to splash out on things whilst living with your mum. So perhaps that's where BIL is coming from?

I'd stick to the "not being able to take time off" thing, if I were you. Or let your DP go and figure out the childcare.

That's all if you have recently purchased an expensive second car. Which rather changes the dynamics of your original post.

Surely ypur dp can take child with him ?

@Embracelife

Surely ypur dp can take child with him ?

He could, but I don't think that's fair to leave it all on him... parenting is hard. I haven't experienced chasing an 18 month old around yet but I bet that's exhausting too 😂! Plus I couldn't imagine my baby's first holiday experience to be without me... I don't know if that's selfish now I think of it. If DP really did want to go and take DS with him it's still over £800 hence why we've agreed to say no.

I don't think I've seen you answer this OP, but do you actually WANT to go?

Obviously you can't afford it, so shouldn't go, but I don't think I've read whether you don't want to, and are just finding it hard to tell the family, or if you do wish you could go, finances permitting

@misskatamari

I don't think I've seen you answer this OP, but do you actually WANT to go?

Obviously you can't afford it, so shouldn't go, but I don't think I've read whether you don't want to, and are just finding it hard to tell the family, or if you do wish you could go, finances permitting

Personally I don't want to go, it's my idea of hell like a few PPs have said as well. I get on with his DM but apart from that, I really don't fancy it. Regardless of finances, I wouldn't be too keen. However, if finances permitted I would go to support DP as I know it would mean a lot to him.

I think your do with all his fsmily around shouljd be perfectly cspable of managing a todfler on his own
Start as you mean to go on and assume your dp will be equally capable as you for everything except breast feeding.
This should be from day one.
By 18 months old you and dp should each be able to have sole charge for days at a time

So dp needs to speak to his family. Is it one big villa or what? Maybethere is cheaper sccomodation near by.

I think you should let your DP go alone, with your DC. He wants to go, you do not. It's £800, baby travels free and plenty of family on hand to share the childcare. You can save that amount, your DP gets to spend time with his family, and as it's your time off that's the stumbling block, it's a perfect solution all round. You can save £800 in 6 months.

Thanks @leafcar . It does sound hellish! If DP understands that it's not really feasible, for all the very valid reasons you have, AND you don't really want to go, honestly I would just spell it out to the family and move the conversation on if they try and badger you.

The thought of managing all those people's wants along with your little one, is just going to be a nightmare! Don't let anyone guilt you in to it.

The reality is that you can't afford this expensive holiday. You moved back to your mother's house with a dp and baby to save for a house deposit. If you go on holiday it won't sit well with your mother who now has 2 adults and a baby living in her house.
Also with Brexit and a recession coming you need to be saving as much as possible. You need to realise that your mother has been good enough to let you stay but that you can't stay with her indefinitely. Also once you have enough for a deposit it could take time to get the right house.

if I was my DM I'd be thinking that we're taking the absolute mick out of her!
Agreed.

Just say no. You don’t need to come up with a list of excuses or justifications. Especially if you and your DP are on the same page.

This is bonkers. We go away with DH family once a year. There's 22 of us now including children. It's a fab weekend to get us all in one place BUT its organised between us all. We wouldn't dream of railroading anyone to come if they can't afford it. One year we were all a bit skint so we had a family party instead. I can't believe someone would dream of booking a holiday without consulting the other parties then expect them to just accept and pay. In your situation I would say absolutely not as you are saving for a new home and you are still on maternity leave. Honestly I just can't believe someone could be that flippant about other people's finances! Also the fact you don't know BIL girlfriends family! Why would you want to spend your hard saved money to holiday with strangers. Please stick to your guns, this is your future not his. Xx

I would definitely not go