To turn down big family holiday with DPs family

[leafcar]

I feel awful about this but it doesn't feel right to me to agree on going.

Me and DP moved back into my parents this year with our DS born in April, as we were struggling to get on the property ladder when renting so DM offered us to stay here to save, a huge help. We pay her reduced rent.

DP's family are very strong minded and outspoken, really difficult to say no to, especially his older brother.
He called us up the other day to say he decided to book a huge family holiday, and when I say huge I mean him, his short term girlfriend, her mam, dad, 2 sisters and grandad along with all of DPs family which is mam, stepdad, uncle, 2 cousins, grandad and then he wants me, DP and DS to come too. It's booked for Sept next year.

The following issues we have which make me feel it's not the right thing going:

1. we've moved back in with my parents on the basis we would save, not go on expensive family holidays (without them!)

2. I'm on maternity leave - this means I am no longer getting paid now until I return in March so we can't afford it.

3. Being on maternity leave means I can't book any annual leave until I return, so can't expect to get the time off as holidays are competitive and I have no access to see if anyone's booked off already.

4. it needs paying off by June, and I don't get paid until I return so 1.6k paid in 2/3 months isn't doable.

5. It's over £800 each so over 1.5K - this is a large chunk of money that should be going towards our deposit.

6. getting our own house sorted is more important to us than a 1 week holiday.

DP suggested we could either use credit cards (which are only there for emergencies) or use the money we've already saved to pay for it - It doesn't sit right with me at all if I was my DM I'd be thinking that we're taking the absolute mick out of her!

They've made us feel like we don't have a choice in the matter, all we hear is 'it'll be worth it' etc.

AIBU to say we can't go?

You don't want to go, your dh doesn't want to go. Just tell him it is not possible financially and you'll spend time with grandpa at home instead.

I absolutely couldn't think of anything worse and that is without your valid reasons. I wouldn't hesitate in syaing no.

Is your bil likely to be with this girlfriend in September?
That aside stick to your guns, it’s ridiculous to expect your family to use emergency credit cards for a very expensive holiday, and for you to use up your holiday time to suit them.
Overbearing people are a pain in the arse at the best of times, but you at least have your dh on board. Take the advice above and tell them No, we can’t afford it and I don’t have holiday allowance. just repeat every time this very expensive holiday is mentioned. You have a goal in your lives; a home of your own and that’s much more important than this. Keep your home plans in mind if you start to weaken .

TBH - even if I had money coming out of my ears this sounds like a recipe for disaster to me.

Far too many people who don't know each other particularly well - so much room for conflict and disagreements about where to go, what to do, when to eat, what to do on an evening, how much to drink plus big age ranges to cater for - it would be a "NOPE" from me under any circumstances.

God, it sounds like a nightmare of a holiday anyway. Even without all your reasons not to go, would you actually want to go on holiday with such a massive amount of people? Obviously it's some people's cup of tea, but personally I can't imagine anything worse than going away and having to coordinate the wants and needs of countless other people. I would be saying no purely on the basis that I didn't want to go!

All of the reasons you have given are valid reasons for not feeling that you can go either, even if you wanted to.

I think you both need to just very clearly tell them, you won't be going, in no uncertain terms. The anticipation of this is probably worse than just getting it over with. If they moan or bring it up, don't try and explain yourselves, just reiterate you can't go/ won't be joining them, you hope they have a great time, and change the subject. Don't be drawn into guilt trips or efforts for persuade you or "solve the problem" of not being able to go.

You don't want to go. You're not going. End of discussion.

@ThursdayLastWeek

In what world does a person get to dictate where and when someone else takes their holiday if it’s not a gift??

This.

You've literally just listed 6 perfect reasons, all of which the answer to is "I can't afford it"
I don't care how pushy he is, YOU CANT AFFORD IT!
And, as you say - it's an absolutely shitty way to repay your parents kindness.

Plus if he and his girlfriend have only been together five minutes there's a good chance it might not happen or all go tits up at the last minute. Possibly leaving you out of pocket. You'd be mental to commit to it whether you could afford it or not.

@leafcar

Thanks to all the responses so far. Reassuring to know I'm not the only one who thinks it's a bit bonkers! His brother keeps going on about how their grandad is 75 and may not get another chance to do this with them and it makes us both feel so guilty! I lost my grandad last year at the age of 71 so I understand but at the same time, I don't think it's reasonable to go purely on the basis of a guilt trip (excuse the pun)!

His grandfather wouldn’t want you to spend money you don’t have when you’re in effect homeless. Just tell them no, you can’t go because you have no money. Don’t get into debate or be emotionally blackmailed. If your dp really wants to go tell him he’ll have to save up from whatever he has left after saving for your house,

It's the height of rudeness to arrange an expensive holiday to suit your own circumstances and desires, then pressure other people into agreeing to it! You can't afford to do it right now. I'd keep it as simple as that, in your partner's place. Of course you'd love to join them, but you can't afford it right now. It's a shame, but you can't afford it right now.

As the old MN adage goes (and life really does improve when you learn this off and repeat ad nauseum) "No is a complete sentence".

I don't understand why you didn't cut off BIL when he started talking about this and say 'Sounds lovely (or of course 'Sounds like my idea of hell', which is what I say to PILs and both SILS when they try to persuade us to go on a cruise with them), but we can't afford it this year, so don't include us in the plans.'

He may be 'strong-minded and outspoken', but surely he's not deaf? Or too thick to grasp that if someone moves back in with a parent to allow them to save for a deposit, they're not blowing £1600 on a week's holiday?

Just use broken record technique "Would love to come but we can't afford it and not sure I can get the leave from work"

Repeat, repeat, repeat.

I'd say no.

I wouldn't do it either. Getting a home sorted it much more important and holidays can come later. If you put it on your credit cards then that could have an impact on the size of the mortgage you could get too, unless you paid it off before applying. It's not worth it to go on a holiday you don't want to go on, just to keep someone else happy

Say no
Keep saying no
Even if it's a silly, ostentatious wedding, say no

They cannot force you, use your free will. You know what your family needs, and it isn't this

They've made us feel like we don't have a choice in the matter, all we hear is 'it'll be worth it' etc.

I don't have any sympathy for this stance. You're an adult, yes? A mother? You hold down a job and don't have a particular condition that removes your free will or spine?
Then why are you listing multiple justifications on here? When you are offered this holiday, you say "NO, thank you. It doesn't suit us". That's it. It's not hard.

It's a mad idea. I would just say you don't want to commit to anything at the moment. Maybe you could get a last-minute deal nearer the time if circumstances allow. Probably someone will drop out and you will be able to take their place anyway (if you actually wanted to).

Say no, you’re saving for a house. I personally wouldn’t enjoy going on holiday with that many people. Be firm.

How on earth do presumably educated, articulate adults get themselves in these pickles.

Your financial situation is such that you can’t afford the holiday. Period. That is what you say. End of.

Why do so many people on Mumsnet find it so hard to just say 'no thanks', or feel they are being 'guilt tripped' into things they don't want to do, sadly you see it time after time on here. Is it a lack of confidence or self esteem, do people feel their feelings/opinions aren't as valid as other people's? .

@Ragwort

We are on same page!

Hello

Your updates are all along the lines of justification of why you should go

I get the feeling you're going to go and then there'll be another thread on "my mum threw us out" where you'll play the victim then somewhere after 200 replies you'll dripfeed the rather substantial slap in the face of going on holiday when your parents are pretty much funding you in order to save for a house!

Grow up op!

@Ragwort

Why do so many people on Mumsnet find it so hard to just say 'no thanks', or feel they are being 'guilt tripped' into things they don't want to do, sadly you see it time after time on here. Is it a lack of confidence or self esteem, do people feel their feelings/opinions aren't as valid as other people's? .

And say 'I'm such a people-pleaser!' and shrug, as if it's some slightly cute personality flaw, like the equivalent of an adorable, Lauren Hutton-style tooth gap, rather than a really problematic lack of boundaries and agency.