To turn down big family holiday with DPs family

[leafcar]

I feel awful about this but it doesn't feel right to me to agree on going.

Me and DP moved back into my parents this year with our DS born in April, as we were struggling to get on the property ladder when renting so DM offered us to stay here to save, a huge help. We pay her reduced rent.

DP's family are very strong minded and outspoken, really difficult to say no to, especially his older brother.
He called us up the other day to say he decided to book a huge family holiday, and when I say huge I mean him, his short term girlfriend, her mam, dad, 2 sisters and grandad along with all of DPs family which is mam, stepdad, uncle, 2 cousins, grandad and then he wants me, DP and DS to come too. It's booked for Sept next year.

The following issues we have which make me feel it's not the right thing going:

1. we've moved back in with my parents on the basis we would save, not go on expensive family holidays (without them!)

2. I'm on maternity leave - this means I am no longer getting paid now until I return in March so we can't afford it.

3. Being on maternity leave means I can't book any annual leave until I return, so can't expect to get the time off as holidays are competitive and I have no access to see if anyone's booked off already.

4. it needs paying off by June, and I don't get paid until I return so 1.6k paid in 2/3 months isn't doable.

5. It's over £800 each so over 1.5K - this is a large chunk of money that should be going towards our deposit.

6. getting our own house sorted is more important to us than a 1 week holiday.

DP suggested we could either use credit cards (which are only there for emergencies) or use the money we've already saved to pay for it - It doesn't sit right with me at all if I was my DM I'd be thinking that we're taking the absolute mick out of her!

They've made us feel like we don't have a choice in the matter, all we hear is 'it'll be worth it' etc.

AIBU to say we can't go?

"Dbil thanks very much for the kind in vitro join you on holiday next year. Sadly due to our financial situation we'll be unable to join you. We'll catch up with all the family once it's safe to do so and hope everyone has a fantastic time. Please don't try to get us to change our mind as that would be awkward."

if you cant afford it, you cant afford it. Theres no further debate to be had. You are not unreasonable to not be able to afford something. Youre literally bunking up with your mum because youre so skint, so unless hes offering to pay for you to all go, then he needs to lay off the pressure

Good god. When you said BIL 'had decided' I took that to mean he was paying for all of you and your issue was going to be about dates, amount of leave required, thinking CV might not be over by then, travelling with small DC or something.

Even if he was offering to pay, he doesn't get to commit your time.

Given your circumstances, you'd be completely crazy to agree to this.

Is there any chance he's actually planning a wedding? Even if so, you can't afford to go. You can celebrate with them at home, afterwards.

Ok wow so the responses on here have clearly taken a turn 😂 I haven't said we can't say no, I just said it's a high pressure situation and also very awkward considering the year we've just had! I've stated we know it's not sensible to go and we won't be going. I want everyone to get an idea of the things being thrown at us such as the grandad etc, not myself using it as my own justification

DP misses his family dearly and hasn't seen them much this whole year, he used to see his DM every couple of days, would have breakfast with her, dinner with her on his way home from work. So it's not really a situation we want to be blunt.

We do care about everyone's feelings, they're family. I just wanted to check I'm NBU to say we can't go for the above reasons as they don't quite seem to take us seriously when we didn't seem keen.

Some people have early lives which always make them doubt themselves - whether they are being reasonable, whether they have a right to be angry, etc, and have also had reactions to justifiable anger when they have been very young which have terrified them - parent locking them in a room alone/ threatening to leave etc - or things have happened they felt responsible for - perhaps as a 3 year old they screamed "I hate you" at a grandparent, and that person died very shortly afterwards. Not their fault, but they feel that it is.

These things may not even be in conscious memory (in fact as they are terrifying, they are likely to have been sublimated) but they affect reactions to conflict and assertiveness all of a person's life.

THAT'S why some people find it hard to just say "No" - it's not as simple as it seems. They have to learn that there are no dreadful repercussions when they stand up for themselves (and sometimes there are dreadful repercussions - they just have to be gt through)

I haven't said we can't say no, I just said it's a high pressure situation and also very awkward considering the year we've just had!

But surely it's far easier to understand your refusal, given the year everyone has had? Lots of people redundant or furloughed on a stipend, lots of job sectors vanishing entirely? And you've had all this, plus moving back in with a parent for financial reasons, and had/are having a baby?

You need to be clear with BIL that you can't afford it. If it turns out it is a wedding you still can't afford it.

@PigsInHeaven

I haven't said we can't say no, I just said it's a high pressure situation and also very awkward considering the year we've just had!

But surely it's far easier to understand your refusal, given the year everyone has had? Lots of people redundant or furloughed on a stipend, lots of job sectors vanishing entirely? And you've had all this, plus moving back in with a parent for financial reasons, and had/are having a baby?

Yes of course, you'd think so! I'm not the biggest fan of DBIL but he's very selfish and only sees his own circumstances. I guess that's his own problem, but doesn't exactly make it any easier

To be honest I would say no even if your bil was paying. Sounds like a nightmare and a recipe for a big falling out.

If you are hoping for a mortgage you would be best not putting a holiday on a credit card

The annual leave thing is a decider also. You can’t sink all that money in not knowing if your leave will be authorised. You’ll just be stressed the whole year worrying

I bet many of them will also drop out by the time comes round

Do you know if hes just sprung this on everyone? There might be other people wanting to say no.

I couldn’t go on this holiday and look my Mum in the face. Even for this reason alone “sorry we can’t afford it this year, I’m sure you will have a lovely time, enjoy”.
Is it possible to make a trip next year to see his family (grandad) separately from holiday? Are they in UK?

Yes @Kettlingur I've just been going through it!

Ridiculous that he'd make a decision like that without consulting you. Of course you should say no; and you don't need to justify it at all, though you have plenty of reasons. Mollify him by saying it's likely to be something you will be able to consider in a couple of years, when you've got the priorities in your life sorted. A holiday is not one of them. If he tries using emotional blackmail, keep it light and agree that it would be wonderful to be able to go, but you simply can't. And that's that.

It is the same OP
Clearly

So you’re lying OP

I was just coming back to say that

I bet when you say no and drop out others will come out of the woodwork and find excuses too. I've seen it happen before. Hen do's and family holidays. One drops out and about 50% of the rest suddenly find the courage to do the same.

Oh, not that!

Whoops OP. Rumbled.

"as to whether it’s a wedding. And then it’s a bit of a different discussion."

It doesn't magically become affordable though does it?

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