To turn down big family holiday with DPs family

[leafcar]

I feel awful about this but it doesn't feel right to me to agree on going.

Me and DP moved back into my parents this year with our DS born in April, as we were struggling to get on the property ladder when renting so DM offered us to stay here to save, a huge help. We pay her reduced rent.

DP's family are very strong minded and outspoken, really difficult to say no to, especially his older brother.
He called us up the other day to say he decided to book a huge family holiday, and when I say huge I mean him, his short term girlfriend, her mam, dad, 2 sisters and grandad along with all of DPs family which is mam, stepdad, uncle, 2 cousins, grandad and then he wants me, DP and DS to come too. It's booked for Sept next year.

The following issues we have which make me feel it's not the right thing going:

1. we've moved back in with my parents on the basis we would save, not go on expensive family holidays (without them!)

2. I'm on maternity leave - this means I am no longer getting paid now until I return in March so we can't afford it.

3. Being on maternity leave means I can't book any annual leave until I return, so can't expect to get the time off as holidays are competitive and I have no access to see if anyone's booked off already.

4. it needs paying off by June, and I don't get paid until I return so 1.6k paid in 2/3 months isn't doable.

5. It's over £800 each so over 1.5K - this is a large chunk of money that should be going towards our deposit.

6. getting our own house sorted is more important to us than a 1 week holiday.

DP suggested we could either use credit cards (which are only there for emergencies) or use the money we've already saved to pay for it - It doesn't sit right with me at all if I was my DM I'd be thinking that we're taking the absolute mick out of her!

They've made us feel like we don't have a choice in the matter, all we hear is 'it'll be worth it' etc.

AIBU to say we can't go?

You have very valid reasons. Don't budge. This is something really not to feel pressured or guilty about.
The one thing I would feel guilty about is taking advantage of your mum and not taking her along..
It seems like the brother is using this as an attempt to do a holiday for his gf benefit.
You have your own family unit and that's a priority. Also don't let your dp pressure you. You should not be going into debts over this.

Definitely understand why it would look cheeky in your mothers eyes and your DP should understand that too. I would be saying no way

And say 'I'm such a people-pleaser!' and shrug, as if it's some slightly cute personality flaw, like the equivalent of an adorable, Lauren Hutton-style tooth gap, rather than a really problematic lack of boundaries and agency.

@PigsInHeaven you've just articulated why I hate the term 'people pleaser' so much and why so many women seem to wear it like a badge of honour!

@VettiyaIruken

Two users cannot have the same username. MN doesn't allow a user to have a name that has already been used. If you are leafcar then any post by leafcar is you.

The thread that I'm referring to with the car and annoyed mum is under a different username but the people, the child, the car, the year, the fact that it was her first car, situation of living with mum to save for a house etc all match. Clearly a change of username has happened.

Ah, right. I was going on the post that was screenshot here.
Maybe it's a coincidence. Mnhq would be able to see whether it's the same poster with their behind the scenes witchcraft 😁

Not that that changes this situation. Big family holiday. yikes. I'd rather have piranhas give me a pedicure. 😁

@babbi

You are not being unreasonable and this is in reality very simple . You say No - we are not going we can’t afford this and have other priorities right now . Do not get into discussion regarding this with the family , No. means no.

Then tell your DH to stick to your plan of deposit saving.

This

Crazy
Just say no

You do know that your BIL can't force you to pay for it, don't you?
So while I understand that it's emotionally difficult to say no, especially for your DP, you just keep saying "that doesn't work for us" "we can't afford it" "I can't get the annual leave booked" until they understand. Don't justify it any further - you have 2 perfectly valid reasons why you cannot go. Just repeat ad nauseam until they shut up and leave you alone.

YANBU

Blame Covid, it has its uses, 'We don't want to make any expensive committments because we don't know what the situation will be next year'. By the way, it sounds horrendous, even if you could afford to go!! Organised jollity, yuck.

🙄

Money aside, why on earth would anyone want to go on holidays with strangers?

You don't need a list of excuses. Hell would freeze over before I'd go on a holiday like that. You do have a choice - you just say no.

@leafcar

Thanks to all the responses so far. Reassuring to know I'm not the only one who thinks it's a bit bonkers! His brother keeps going on about how their grandad is 75 and may not get another chance to do this with them and it makes us both feel so guilty! I lost my grandad last year at the age of 71 so I understand but at the same time, I don't think it's reasonable to go purely on the basis of a guilt trip (excuse the pun)!

Your granddad is only in his 70s! He'll probably live to be 95! Classic manipulation tactic. And anyway, why would you feel guilty just because you couldn't go on a trip with him. He probably doesn't want to go either but can't say no and doesn't have an excuse! How is he paying all that money on a pension! Ridiculous. Just say it sounds lovely but you really can't do it as your son needs his own bedroom more than an expensive holiday!

@Anoisagusaris

Money aside, why on earth would anyone want to go on holidays with strangers?

Exactly....no way!

Well if this is the poster with the car I'm guessing that her OH feels that if she can spunk money on a car, why can't he on a holiday?

how manypeople is that-and hes already booked you all a place

bit presuming-whe4res is this holiday do you mean this september

Oh, I remember the poster with the car -- she was cross that her mother didn't demonstrate the expected level of delight about her electric car purchase...?

I generally agree with what others are saying here - say no, you can’t afford it, you cannot be sure about taking leave (although you could contact work now to see if you could book the time off) and personally it’s my idea of a nightmare holiday.
However, you need to consider more seriously DPs feelings. What does he want? After this year he no doubt is feeling very separated from his own family, particularly as you’re able to be with your Mum. Discuss it with your Mum too, how will she really feel if you do spend this money. It’s good to be sensible but ultimately I would let DP have the final say.

Yes saving for a house is important, but life is also for living now - you’ve already made decisions to defer your purchase by having a baby and taking a long maternity leave, and buying a car. It sounds to me YOU don’t actually want to go.

If your dp really wants to go then he has to find a way financially.
If it s important to him to spend the time with his family then is up to him.
You can say you wont know if you can go until nx year.

I thought you had a pasting in your car thread OP.

However with this thread in consideration I have to say you do appear somewhat entitled - you can’t afford the holiday or the car if your living in someone else’s property. I think you were looking for justifications and hadn’t fully ruled out the holiday.

Honestly I think the kindest thing your mum should do is ask you to leave - if you were paying for your own place you’d suddenly realise how these recent/upcoming purchases were actually out of your reach.

@Plonque

🙄

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