To turn down big family holiday with DPs family

[leafcar]

I feel awful about this but it doesn't feel right to me to agree on going.

Me and DP moved back into my parents this year with our DS born in April, as we were struggling to get on the property ladder when renting so DM offered us to stay here to save, a huge help. We pay her reduced rent.

DP's family are very strong minded and outspoken, really difficult to say no to, especially his older brother.
He called us up the other day to say he decided to book a huge family holiday, and when I say huge I mean him, his short term girlfriend, her mam, dad, 2 sisters and grandad along with all of DPs family which is mam, stepdad, uncle, 2 cousins, grandad and then he wants me, DP and DS to come too. It's booked for Sept next year.

The following issues we have which make me feel it's not the right thing going:

1. we've moved back in with my parents on the basis we would save, not go on expensive family holidays (without them!)

2. I'm on maternity leave - this means I am no longer getting paid now until I return in March so we can't afford it.

3. Being on maternity leave means I can't book any annual leave until I return, so can't expect to get the time off as holidays are competitive and I have no access to see if anyone's booked off already.

4. it needs paying off by June, and I don't get paid until I return so 1.6k paid in 2/3 months isn't doable.

5. It's over £800 each so over 1.5K - this is a large chunk of money that should be going towards our deposit.

6. getting our own house sorted is more important to us than a 1 week holiday.

DP suggested we could either use credit cards (which are only there for emergencies) or use the money we've already saved to pay for it - It doesn't sit right with me at all if I was my DM I'd be thinking that we're taking the absolute mick out of her!

They've made us feel like we don't have a choice in the matter, all we hear is 'it'll be worth it' etc.

AIBU to say we can't go?

Just say, thanks for the offer and usually you would love to join them, but it’s just not possible as you are saving. Buying a home is much more of a priority than a holiday. Good luck OP.

You can't book the time off! So you're not going to pay for something you can't use.

Or does he think you can leave your job to go?

Also, am I right, you're pregnant and living with your parents? So have a small baby in the mix too?

Oh, and if I were your parents and you went I'd be furious . And I'd tell your DH straight!

You do have a choice as long as you’re prepared to accept the consequences of that choice.

Are you sure your dbil isn’t getting married there?
This is exacty what it sounds like which would explain why OP' OH is prepared to use the cc to go.

Stick by your guns on this one. Your mum will think your taking the mess out of her especially as she is sharing her home to help you all out.

Your partner needs to man up and tell them

I can't think of anything worse than a holiday not only with inlaws, but one of their partners whole family. And I like my inlaws.

How on earth would it be quality time with grandparents in some giant crowd. Youd be better getting one on one time with them at home.

Anyone threatening relatives impending death as a way to make people do something wouldn't get a good response from me.

You literally can't afford it, tell your other half to get a backbone

Surely with a crowd that big he can find a better deal than the price you've been given? You're not being unreasonable - he's made assumptions about what people can afford and what time they can get off work etc and is using the grandad as a way to guilt you into agreeing. Make a counteroffer for a week in Butlins. If it's all about Grandad and being together, the location doesn't matter does it...? Not to mention the fact his girlfriend's extended family are invited, but yours isn't?

Plan something smaller with the Grandad. I bet his idea of a family holiday doesn't include half a dozen people he barely knows. BiL may even have broken up with new girlfriend by then.

Just say no. You seem to not mention the biggest reason for not going which is that you’ll have an 18 (?)month old. Assuming you’d be taking the child, at that age they are really stuck in routines which makes it hard going and not remotely relaxing. And IME want to run up and down the aisles the whole time on the plane. Age 2 and a half upwards they can be persuaded to sit still, at least for a bit.

I’m really not convinced holidays abroad are going to be a “thing” in 2021 unfortunately. I mean I hope they are, booked for June, but not convinced .

Large family holidays are absolute hell, that would be reason enough for me not to go.

But you have several valid reasons so just say no.

No one else should spend your money for you tell them to piss off you have different priorities at the moment

Why are BIL’s GF’s family joining too? You need to be 100% sure this isn’t a wedding...

Look, it’s completely not unreasonable to say, for all your reasons above, that you cannot afford £1,500 by June. That’s perfectly understandable.

Once you’re back at work, how much can you save every month towards a house deposit? Will it put you back by a long time, or just a few months?

If I were you, and your DP really thinks it’s very important, and this type of family holiday doesn’t occur every year, I’d have a talk with my mum to find out how she’d feel having you a few more months if you went on holiday, and if she was OK with it I’d tell BIL great, but we cannot afford £1,500 by June, so if he pays your share you’ll pay him back over a longer period.

God no, it would be a right pisstake swanning off on holiday with DHs family when you've been living with you mum so you could save for a house. She'll feel so disrespected.

Also, massive family holiday sounds like hell, literally my worst nightmare.

Actually, I missed that you can’t get the time off work. DP goes alone if he really must, in that case. And saves all his own disposable towards it whilst still saving up for house deposit. If he wants to go enough to a) go on his own and b) live a really frugal life to enable it then let him crack on.

No credit cards though! Totally irresponsible right now.

Christ i can't think of anything worse weather i could afford it or not ...

Is the problem mainly that DH wants to go, or that he can't/won't say no to his family?

Either way it's tricky. I don't envy you OP.

I don’t think you will get to spend much time with his grandad when you go with a massive group like that. Plus your baby won’t be in their usual routine and if they are anything like mine was, they will make a fuss and you will end up very stressed out. You’ll end up spending lots of money and feeling resentful.
Not to mention your mum, who is being so kind to let you stay in her house to save. I think she would be understandably annoyed if you went ahead with this.
Just keep firmly saying no. You don’t have the money for the deposit and you can’t book leave. I’m sure everyone else in the group will understand that..forget about your selfish BIL and his guilt trip.

Don't go, you won't enjoy the holiday with lots of people who you don't even know and most importantly it would look ridiculous living with your mum in order to save money for the deposit and then go and waste it on a holiday.
It doesn't matter what is the occasion. Don't go

Another one who thinks that surely they're intending to 'surprise' you all with a wedding, as otherwise it's so weird that all of his girlfriend's family are going?

You should say no. Very young children, unlikely to get the time off work, and as you observe, credit cards are for emergencies (the boiler packing up is the example I think of).

Assuming the holiday is abroad, there is no 100% certainty that the country concerned will admit you without the vaccine, or a recent Covid test, or some other costly requirement.

Me and DP are on the same page about it pretty much, he knows that it's not the right time etc but obviously he's a bit gutted.

We've discussed him going on his own but it isn't really a great option due to childcare among other reasons, he also says he knows he wouldn't enjoy it much without us there, he says it feels wrong to go without us.

He's a brilliant dad and partner, so yes, he's very sensible and knows we need to say no but the main problem is telling them that :/

If there is one thing I haven’t missed with Covid it is pressure from other people on my time and money. I’m not looking forward to the return of that one bit.

I understand you would love to go on holiday but your priority is buying a home. You moved in with your mum to save to buy a home not to save to go on holiday.

Look, DB. This sounds like a lot of fun but we're not going to be able to join you. Leaf is on mat leave and not earning. Her parents are letting us stay at theirs so we can save hard for a deposit. And babies are expensive! Hopefully we can join you next time.

Repeat, repeat, repeat.

I think it'll be a wedding too. It's a bit self indulgent though on his part, isn't it, expecting family members to pay £800 each so you get to have a huge poolside piss up with your and your girlfriend families, none of whom know each other. Even if I could afford it I wouldn't go.

Bloody hell, no way - for all those reasons you've stated! DP's family have no say in how you spend your money! When you said he'd booked, I was expecting that he was paying too!

If you can't afford it then you just have to say no, it would be crazy to put this on a credit card when you're not being paid. Is DH grandad ill? Is that why they need to go now?
Big family holidays are awful and £800 each does seem like a lot for a massive group, would have expected them to be able to get it cheaper than that or go self catering to keep costs down. If he's planning a wedding there he should say so, but it seems naive to book a wedding with a massive group anywhere at the moment.