To turn down big family holiday with DPs family

[leafcar]

I feel awful about this but it doesn't feel right to me to agree on going.

Me and DP moved back into my parents this year with our DS born in April, as we were struggling to get on the property ladder when renting so DM offered us to stay here to save, a huge help. We pay her reduced rent.

DP's family are very strong minded and outspoken, really difficult to say no to, especially his older brother.
He called us up the other day to say he decided to book a huge family holiday, and when I say huge I mean him, his short term girlfriend, her mam, dad, 2 sisters and grandad along with all of DPs family which is mam, stepdad, uncle, 2 cousins, grandad and then he wants me, DP and DS to come too. It's booked for Sept next year.

The following issues we have which make me feel it's not the right thing going:

1. we've moved back in with my parents on the basis we would save, not go on expensive family holidays (without them!)

2. I'm on maternity leave - this means I am no longer getting paid now until I return in March so we can't afford it.

3. Being on maternity leave means I can't book any annual leave until I return, so can't expect to get the time off as holidays are competitive and I have no access to see if anyone's booked off already.

4. it needs paying off by June, and I don't get paid until I return so 1.6k paid in 2/3 months isn't doable.

5. It's over £800 each so over 1.5K - this is a large chunk of money that should be going towards our deposit.

6. getting our own house sorted is more important to us than a 1 week holiday.

DP suggested we could either use credit cards (which are only there for emergencies) or use the money we've already saved to pay for it - It doesn't sit right with me at all if I was my DM I'd be thinking that we're taking the absolute mick out of her!

They've made us feel like we don't have a choice in the matter, all we hear is 'it'll be worth it' etc.

AIBU to say we can't go?

@leafcar

Me and DP are on the same page about it pretty much, he knows that it's not the right time etc but obviously he's a bit gutted.

We've discussed him going on his own but it isn't really a great option due to childcare among other reasons, he also says he knows he wouldn't enjoy it much without us there, he says it feels wrong to go without us.

He's a brilliant dad and partner, so yes, he's very sensible and knows we need to say no but the main problem is telling them that :/

His DB needs to be straight with him so the quicker your DP can say No, not happening the quicker you’ll get an answer as to whether it’s a wedding. And then it’s a bit of a different discussion.

I think that whether or not it's a wedding (and I think it is!) I'd be particularly wary of going on a joint holiday with a 'short-term girlfriend's' family, booked nearly a year in advance - how is that going to play out if they split up?!

Yanbu. It would be a huge slap in the face to your mum to do that.

Just be firm and say no. You shouldn't get credit cards either to fund a holiday. Your finances are none of their business, a simple no should suffice and any interference beyond that is very bad form on their part.

75 years old also could mean he has many years left.

He wants you all to go away for him and his new relationship so YANBU!

Has he invited your family? If not, why not? If his gf family are going so should yours.

You can't afford it, that's the bottom line. A simple text thanking him for the invitation but explaining that you won't be able to go but wish them a great time is enough. You shouldn't have to feel bullied into an expensive holiday you don't even want

The one thing that I can imagine is making it harder for your DP is that presumably given the situation this year he's seen less of his family than he usually would, while you've seen your mum daily, and she's seen your DS daily. Obviously that's because she's done a lovely and generous thing, but I can see how it might feel uneven and so make him feel guilty about turning down this time with his family, even for such obvious good reasons.

Do people think that group holidays of that size will actually be happening by then?

@Hardbackwriter

The one thing that I can imagine is making it harder for your DP is that presumably given the situation this year he's seen less of his family than he usually would, while you've seen your mum daily, and she's seen your DS daily. Obviously that's because she's done a lovely and generous thing, but I can see how it might feel uneven and so make him feel guilty about turning down this time with his family, even for such obvious good reasons.

This! I know I didn't put this across in my OP but this is very real. It's hard to take emotions out of things, especially after this crazy unpredictable year. He's also very close with his family, I really feel for him. It's tugging on emotions at a terrible time so it's awkward to say the least.

On other notes - regarding a wedding, I can honestly say I wouldn't be surprised! He is a very self indulgent, selfish person who has tunnel vision and can't see any other perspectives.

He has plenty of disposable income as he owns his own business, same as his girlfriend. However, I text DP to ask if he thinks this could be true and he said 'oh my god maybe you're right, it totally could be' etc etc.

BUT there's absolutely no doubt in my mind that if DP already knew this he would've told me 100%. Were very open and honest with each other, so there's no way he'd leave it out even if it was supposed to be a surprise.

DBIL did mention that I could invite my family as well, it was in casual conversation - to be honest the whole thing has been! It's been talked about on FaceTime every couple of weeks so never actually seen people face to face (covid obviously). My family couldn't afford it, they haven't been abroad for many years as it's too expensive. I'm the oldest of 4 and the youngest is still only 12 so would cost them too much to justify. Yet another reason I'd feel way too guilty to do this to her, she can't afford one for her own family and she's even housing mine! Bless her.

but the main problem is telling them that :/ Think of it as a good practice for saying no a lot more in the future!

Your circumsatnces are not as BILs. You have a baby; You are living at your parents house.

YOU CANNOT AFFORD IT - this and whatever else they come up with!

It's the truth! And they don't need to be given any further explanation. That's just not what adults do!

No, I agree with you it would be a waste of money and it wouldn’t be fair on your parents! Just politely decline.

Seriously just say no. Tell them you can not afford it. If they continue to pressure you, laugh and say "I presume you're paying for us since we've made it clear it's not possible?".

Whatever guilt trips BIL lays on you, just remember: it’s your time and your money and nobody, NOBODY, can lay a claim on these without your say-so. Even if you could afford it, you can’t get the time off so that’s that. BIL can puff he likes.

*can puff all he likes

‘It sounds lovely but I can’t because it’s out of our price range/league/budget /I can’t afford it’ Repeat as often as necessary.

I have lost count of the number of times in my life when a plan has been suggested from a meal out to a cruise and I have said something like this. Only one person has ever been snotty about it (my sister, who is a whole thread on her own). Most people accept it and very often other people will then chime in saying they have the same issue.

Don’t be railroaded. Cut out the middleman. Get your your DP to contact his grandad directly and tell him you are sorry you won’t be on his big trip. Make a date to meet up with him afterwards to celebrate and hear all about it.

Loads of us were gutted to miss expensive, and not so expensive things, when we were saving every penny to get on the ladder. And that’s without the huge perks of living with family on very low rent, before we had children. It’s just one of those things.

Nope.
Did he just booked ye in without your knowledge in advance or permission.
Did he can go back and remove ye.
I feel it one of those big group holidays where at least 2 people can go free if whoever organised / booked a certain group number.

If you don't have the money that's its really isn't it? Be really clear and a calm and tell them no, repeat until it sinks in. Its his family so your DP should be saying no really but you can do it if he can't.

Whatever you do, don't put an expensive holiday on a credit card. That doesn't make sense and you'll regret it. Just say no. It's not like it isn't obvious you can't afford it since you're staying with your mum. If they don't understand that that's on them.

Yeah, it's a crazy idea. When you're saving for a house a holiday doesn't even come into it.

OP, I may be wrong but I'm getting vibes that there's a part of you that is still considering going.

Before you say anything to your BIL, yourself and your partner need to be absolutely certain of your decision.

If you aren't, BIL will talk you into going. I feel like I could talk you into going, and I'm not even a particularly persuasive person.

Make the decision between yourselves first. Make sure you've got a full understanding of how much your partner does/doesn't want to go, otherwise if you say no and he is secretly dying to go (even if he hasn't admitted to himself) he's going to get miserable when his family talk about it, and might even get a bit sad/moany, even if he doesn't know what he's really being sad/moany about.

If you both are absolutely certain you don't want to go, tell your BIL. I get where you're coming from but I personally can't imagine letting someone else determine where to spend my money/hols!

You obviously can't go, OP. You and your DP would both be straying very decidedly into CF territory vis-a-vis your mum, if you did (and you sound like a lovely daughter, not a CF!) If I were your mum and your DP went anyway, I would be saying that if he can afford that kind of holiday, he can afford to support his own family. I would then be showing you (him) rental possibilities on RightMove.

Even if it's a wedding, that changes nothing. Your DP's brother ought to know it's not possible for your DP to attend due to funds and family commitments. If having your DP there really matters to him, he needs to offer to pay for him to go.

I have been unable to do all kinds of things due to "sorry, but that's out of my price range". Good people don't press you to do things you can't do.

‘No, we can’t afford it. But also, you know how leafs holidays work. Even if rolling in it we might never be able to commit to this kind of thing, we always lock in leave then book. I know you guys own your own business but that’s not how it works for the wage slaves here.

Just as a way to keep the conversation moving on to other topics.

I think it is terrifying that your husband suggested paying for the holiday with a credit card!

I hope this thread has given you the courage to say no. There are a million reasons not to go on this horrendous holiday and if you did go I can guarantee you would hate it because you would know you couldn't afford it and you were only there because you couldn't say no.

Two steps: talk with dh and double check that you are both on the same page and that he won't feel resentful in the future.
2) text the BIL. A short, clear, unambivalent no thank you.

Then relax

YABU to even consider it.
You seem to think it's normal for someone to choose a holiday for you. That you have to pay for.
Seems very strange to me.

I've done family holidays but that's a really expensive one! Even the trip I'm hoping to go with my parents on is only £700 each and that's a 5* cruise

What everyone else said. How presumptive of BIL to decide what your family would spend your money on.