I’ve threatened to leave before, and it’s always been a massive emotional declaration of I’ll never do it again. And here we are. Anger has NEVER been aimed at me or the children so I’ve always brushed it off, but I don’t want them growing up thinking this is ok. They rarely witness it but it’s only a matter of time. My 4 year old already throws things when he’s angry and I’m very passionate about making sure I tell him that is NOT what we do.
Do I try and get him to take anger management? Is it going to get worse? Do other people have husbands who do this?
No, it's not normal.
Yes it is aimed at you. He does it to punish you for intruding into his mental world with requests to fix things, to look after the children, any time you decide to do something for yourself like a bath or a lie in.
Do you feel relaxed and carefree about leaving the children in his care? Can you take a chance on a lie in from now on? How do you feel about taking a bath when he is at home or when he may be feeling angry? Are you going to have to sit there and have him shout at you if you ever argue from now on, or do you feel safe telling him you have had enough and walk away?
Your children have 'rarely' seen it?
Your son has clearly seen enough for it to make a huge impression. Regardless of how often you tell him it's not what we do, he knows it most certainly is 'what we do'. He sees the holes in the walls and the doors. He knows how they got there. He has started doing it all himself. The fact that he is copying it tells you that this is all very difficult for him to process, and he is trying to create a sense of control over his terrifying home environment. Your H is doing damage here that will take a lot of work to repair.
Forget anger management. He doesn't do this at work, I guarantee it. He is well in control of his anger.
He is using his temper, not losing it.
Yes, it will get worse. Your H is a frankly terrifying man, and it is all done with a specific result in mind - he wants to feel a sense of power behind his own front door. He is a tyrant.
My advice is to divorce him. This will only get worse.
Ideally, you would call the police next time he throws or breaks anything. Are you willing to do this?
You should get photos of all the dents in the doors and the holes in the walls.
You do not want this man to see the children at weekends anywhere except in a contact centre.
You need to ask for your parents' help and support.
Is the home rented or owned? In whose name?