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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think husband breaking things isn’t normal?

169 replies

Sammy187 · 29/11/2020 19:43

Me and my husband have been together 7 years and during that time he’s broken multiple items in our house in anger. He once kicked our kitchen bin so hard it had a massive dent in it, made a hole in the downstairs toilet door by throwing a hammer at it because he couldn’t fix whatever he was fixing. Smashed up his laptop when the keys were sticking. Smashed the car radio when it wasn’t working.
Broken multiple mugs. Made holes in the wall.
I have a six month old girl and a 4year old boy. When my little girl was about a month old we had a very minor trivial argument, before I went up for a bath for some peace and locked the door. He was so annoyed I’d locked the door and didn’t want to talk that he repeatedly threw something at the door which now has 3 holes in.
Lately it’s Xbox. If he loses he throws things. He recently broke a mug when me and the kids were out (he didn’t hide the evidence) which turned into a massive argument and I told him it is the LAST time I put up with it.
Then yesterday while I was having a rare lie in (up breastfeeding all night) and he was supposed to be caring for the children he decided to play his Xbox. Lost and threw a mug at the door leaving a big chip in the door frame and bits of broken mug all over the hallway and stairs. I only found out when I was tidying up and he denied it and told me it fell on the kitchen floor. Only admitted it once I showed him the evidence (even found a pic with the door in it from the day before minus a chip. Full detective mode!). He’d made a half arsed effort to clean it making a hazard for my little boy to walk on!! Which really pushed me over the edge

I’ve threatened to leave before, and it’s always been a massive emotional declaration of I’ll never do it again. And here we are. Anger has NEVER been aimed at me or the children so I’ve always brushed it off, but I don’t want them growing up thinking this is ok. They rarely witness it but it’s only a matter of time. My 4 year old already throws things when he’s angry and I’m very passionate about making sure I tell him that is NOT what we do.

Do I try and get him to take anger management? Is it going to get worse? Do other people have husbands who do this?

Sorry for the essay 😫

OP posts:
Someonesayroadtrip · 29/11/2020 20:26

You know you need to leave. I appreciate that's easier said than done though. If could be you or the children one day.

MitziK · 29/11/2020 20:26

He doesn't throw the fucking X-Box or lamp it with a hammer, does he?

It is utterly directed at you. Every time he threw something at that bathroom door, he wasn't aiming at the door, he was aiming at you behind it.

If you stay, it gets directed at whichever child annoys him the most first. Might be the eldest, might be the baby.

simonisnotme · 29/11/2020 20:27

you need to think about leaving , i think its only a matter of time till he starts chucking things at you, as ^^pp said the kids will and are being affected by him

rosiejaune · 29/11/2020 20:27

Your husband is abusive. Anger management is not suitable for abusive people.

Gyoza · 29/11/2020 20:27

Please contact women’s aid as soon as you safely can

Melaniaswig · 29/11/2020 20:29

What you need to do is protect your children and kick him out.
This is so damaging for your children to witness and hear.
Like @Regularsizedrudy these are the men who shake their babies and murder their wives.

You have a responsibility to protect your children. You are failing in this every day you stay with him.

IntoP20 · 29/11/2020 20:29

& you had two children with this man? Why?

Groovinpeanut · 29/11/2020 20:29

So your doors have got damage to them? Items within your home have been damaged? Items that have been thrown have had the potential to harm your children by being hazardous. You've had your bathroom door damaged because you went to take a bath and bolted the door? Your Son is now throwing things?

Can't you see the effect of your home life damaging your childrens lives?
Of course his behaviour is affecting you, and your children, the man's a liability.

rwalker · 29/11/2020 20:30

Forget the in's and out's do you want your kids to think this is normal if not leave.

MrsWhites · 29/11/2020 20:31

His behaviour is disgusting OP, where were your children whilst you were locked in the bathroom and he was throwing things at the door?

The thing is - he’d only have to throw something at you once, he could literally kill you if something hit you on the head!

DildoAndAKneeAss · 29/11/2020 20:33

Leave him, OP. Been there, done that. Just leave him.

Giraffey1 · 29/11/2020 20:37

What are you going to do, OP?
You know this can’t go on.

AcornAutumn · 29/11/2020 20:38

It’s not normal

Please don’t underestimate the seriousness of this. For one of my contacts, her husband behaved like this and ended up shoving her into the street when angry, she narrowly missed being hit by a car. At that point, thank god, the marriage was over. But she was lucky not to be hurt or dead.

It’s not right for children to grow up seeing that

He could easily hurt one of you next.

I’m afraid I wouldn’t bother with anger management.

He needs to go.

You need to have company with you when you tell him and
the children shouldn’t be around.

LilyLongJohn · 29/11/2020 20:38

I grew up in a house where my Dad was exactly like your dh. He was never violent towards my Mum, me or my brother but I remember coming home to holes in doors, remotes smashed, mugs broken. It was horrid. We ended up walking on egg shells when he got annoyed as we never knew what was going to happen.

It's not a good environment for dc to grow up in, even if you think they don't notice or react

gg12346 · 29/11/2020 20:39

your hubby should seek anger therapy and counselling asap ! .Dont live with him until he has decided to improve on his anger and behaviour .I had anger issues and but really not this bad .This is a mental illness .He needs a docs help .

rainbowlou · 29/11/2020 20:41

My ex was like this, and it did eventually turn to being physically violent to me.
He once threw a really heavy ashtray at the wall in anger and it missed my head by inches, the dent it left was huge, if that had been my head he would have probably killed me.
Please don’t subject you and your children to this anymore.
Women’s aid will help you, they saved me and helped me leave.

Bluepolkadots42 · 29/11/2020 20:44

If you son is witnessing this he is learning that that is acceptable behaviour and that that is what grown men do when they're angry- totally terrifying. LTB

NewlyGranny · 29/11/2020 20:45

He throws things and breaks them to show you just how much he wants to break you. I'm sorry, but he doesn't need to learn how to 'manage' his anger. He's doing that right now. He's using it to manage you; to frighten you, to cow you and to control you.

Are you finding yourself tiptoeing around him? Walking on eggshells dreading the next outburst? Hushing the children so they don't set him off? Picking your moment to raise difficult questions with him because you fear he'll go off the deep end?

You're being abused here. And when he frightens you or makes you cringe or flinch in case it's you next, that's assault.

What he needs is a perpetrator course to make him look at the origins of his anger; not how he expresses it but why he feels entitled to be angry and give free rein to it. Because every time he throws something or breaks something, it's a choice. He might tell you he loses control but he doesn't. He is totally in control when he does it. If you doubt this, ask yourself these questions:

Does he behave like this everywhere he goes that he meets frustration or difficulty? Does he throw stuff in the supermarket? Does he break stuff at work? Does he terrorise his friends' children when he visits? Does he break his mum's china? What other doors in what other places bear the evidence of his tantrums? If two police officers walked in on him mid-tantrum, would he carry on or stop on the spot? Your answers will show you whether or not he is in full control all the time.

You gave him the ultimatum that it must be the last time. It wasn't. If you don't act, you are teaching him that he can get away with this carry on.

If you can get your hands on a paper or electronic copy of Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, please read it. Women's Aid has a telephone helpline and a survivors' forum on their website. If you call the police on 101 and ask to speak to someone with training and expertise in domestic abuse, you will get good advice there, too. You have lots of options and, though it may not feel like it right now, you wield a lot of power, way more than women in your situation ever used to.

Could you ask him to move out for a bit, perhaps to his parents or a relative, once this lockdown finishes on Tuesday? Tell him he must get help to sort himself out if he wants to be with you because a family cannot live like this.

Don't be drawn into saying you'll help him becasue you aren't the expert he needs. You can't fix this problem for him or support him through it. It's his problem, not yours. And couples therapy is not the answer for domestic terrorism - that's for couples who love each other but aren't communicating effectively. He's communicating just fine. It's the message that's the problem.

You're not alone. But right now you're not safe either, and nor are your precious children. You all have a right to be.

Passpartout30 · 29/11/2020 20:45

My comment is somewhere in the middle of what I’ve seen others say - my dad was like this. It affected me (and my brother) in the sense that we fly off the handle at things - having learned that crappy behavior early on. I’m not excusing this, just explaining that it might impact how your children react to things in the future. On the other hand - I don’t believe that just because anger is directed at objects means that it will definitely be directed at people next. That wasn’t my experience. I love my dad very much even though he acted like this.

It would be safest not to wait and see what happens next though - and ultimately you deserve to live in a calm and happy home with your children. Previous posters chastising you for having more than one kid with him can absolutely do one - real life just isn’t that simple and when this behavior is relatively infrequent - it’s entirely human to see the better bits and minimize the worst of it. Good luck with your decision OP.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 29/11/2020 20:45

You're the frog in the pot. Get out now, before your kids are any older and you're a battered wife.

PurpleMustang · 29/11/2020 20:46

You have obviously put up with this for a long time and can't see what it is doing to you so you need to focus on the kids. Yes they may not have seen anything but they will have heard it. He was looking after the kids when he damaged the bathroom door and when he threw the mug because of the xbox. You need a plan to either leave or get rid of him before you or one of the kids get in the way

Shoxfordian · 29/11/2020 20:47

I voted yabu because you're unreasonable to have stayed with this violent aggressive man, and to allow your children to be scared by him. Make some plans to leave

myneighboursarerude · 29/11/2020 20:48

Run far, run fast and in the opposite direction.

He is testing your boundaries.

Next time he will throw something in front of you.

The time after that he will throw something at you.

Or your son.

Or the baby.

You are being abused, so are your children. He needs to leave ASAP. I'm so sorry OP.

DeRigueurMortis · 29/11/2020 20:49

OP you seem to be in denial that this is domestic abuse.

You need to understand why it absolutely is.

In all the situations you've describe, his violent outbursts have been triggered by something you've done.

Wanting to bathe in piece, having a lie in and I'd put money on the bathroom/hammer incident resulting from you asking to fix whatever was broken.

It's NOT about frustration re: losing on his games console. He's already angry at you because you've acted in a way he didn't like.

Thus he's trying to exert control by having violent outbursts to "teach" you not to behave in that way again.

Saying he's not directing anger at you is wrong. You are 100% the object of his violence.

Domestic abuse only has one direction of travel - escalation.

It's why he hasn't stopped doing what he's doing even when you've issued an ultimatum.

I doubt anger management therapy is even suitable for him. That's designed for people to can't reign in anger or have coping strategies to deal with it.

This isn't your husbands issue. He's deliberately using targeted anger to try and coerce you into behaving as he wants you to.

The fact that violence has not yet been directly targeted on your body does not mean you are not it's focus.

Leave, but don't tell him you're doing it until you're safely away.