To think husband breaking things isn’t normal?

[Sammy187]

Me and my husband have been together 7 years and during that time he’s broken multiple items in our house in anger. He once kicked our kitchen bin so hard it had a massive dent in it, made a hole in the downstairs toilet door by throwing a hammer at it because he couldn’t fix whatever he was fixing. Smashed up his laptop when the keys were sticking. Smashed the car radio when it wasn’t working.
Broken multiple mugs. Made holes in the wall.
I have a six month old girl and a 4year old boy. When my little girl was about a month old we had a very minor trivial argument, before I went up for a bath for some peace and locked the door. He was so annoyed I’d locked the door and didn’t want to talk that he repeatedly threw something at the door which now has 3 holes in.
Lately it’s Xbox. If he loses he throws things. He recently broke a mug when me and the kids were out (he didn’t hide the evidence) which turned into a massive argument and I told him it is the LAST time I put up with it.
Then yesterday while I was having a rare lie in (up breastfeeding all night) and he was supposed to be caring for the children he decided to play his Xbox. Lost and threw a mug at the door leaving a big chip in the door frame and bits of broken mug all over the hallway and stairs. I only found out when I was tidying up and he denied it and told me it fell on the kitchen floor. Only admitted it once I showed him the evidence (even found a pic with the door in it from the day before minus a chip. Full detective mode!). He’d made a half arsed effort to clean it making a hazard for my little boy to walk on!! Which really pushed me over the edge

I’ve threatened to leave before, and it’s always been a massive emotional declaration of I’ll never do it again. And here we are. Anger has NEVER been aimed at me or the children so I’ve always brushed it off, but I don’t want them growing up thinking this is ok. They rarely witness it but it’s only a matter of time. My 4 year old already throws things when he’s angry and I’m very passionate about making sure I tell him that is NOT what we do.

Do I try and get him to take anger management? Is it going to get worse? Do other people have husbands who do this?

Sorry for the essay 😫

After the bathroom door incident we were in the peak of lockdown, but I rang my mum in tears and she sent my dad over who was furious. He had a word with him and he backed right down and was very embarrassed. He’s not mentioned it since

What you need to remember from this is that he backed down when confronted. This isn't someone who's out of control; this is someone who was able to stop his antics the moment he was confronted by someone he deemed worthy of his "good" behaviour. He was embarrassed because he knows how shitty his behaviour is and that another human thinks he's disgusting. What a shame he can't be equally embarrassed that you've lived through his behaviour.

From reading your posts, he is 100% abusive.
Please get help to take your children away from this.

OP I strongly suggest reading Why Does He Do That? Free on pdf at this link: www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

The man who wrote it has extensive experience with abusive men. The behaviour he displays is a choice and carefully crafted to get to you. It is not involuntary. He isn't abusive because he is angry. He is angry because he is abusive. His abusive mindset expects you to act in a way that benefits him alone and when you 'step out of line' he gets angry and becomes violent to intimidate you. The namecalling and lightswitch incident are all part of the same pattern of behaviour.

Your dc are,already affected.
Speak to your gp and local domestic abuse help

Can you get away? Seriously. Do it.

Please can we all be very clear.

This is not a man struggling to control his emotions.

He's using deliberately directed anger/actions to coerce the OP into behaving as he wishes.

He would not benefit from anger management therapy because he is fully in control.

AM therapy is for people who lack appropriate coping strategies to manage their frustration/anger - the OP's husband is using anger/violence (and passive aggressive tactics like switching off the light) in a very calculated way.

He knows exactly what he's doing and why he's doing it. He's not lacking a strategy for managing anger, he's using anger as a strategy.

He’s not like this at work. His behaviour is a choice. He’s doing it to control and bully you.

You don’t have to live like this.

That's actually quite chilling to me, he has so much contempt for you.

By minimising his behaviour, you are ultimately putting yourself and your DC in real danger.

It's abuse. You might not want to believe it, but it is.

Get help from your friends and family to get away from this situation. ASAP.

OP - my first serious relationship was like this. Never directed at myself in the beginning but lots of holes punched in walls and doors kicked and black moods.
I remember one Boxing Day he systematically broke/destroyed every present I had given him - it was awful.
Please get him to seek help because your children will be so affected. I put up with it for far too long and I didn’t have kids with him so it was much easier to leave. I hope you are ok.
Also - it’s a good sign you have told your parents. I felt a lot of shame and still haven’t really ever told people what went on. I wish I had.

Also - what is his relationship like with his parents? My ex had a really tricky relationship with his mother who had bullied and hit him as a small child. Looking back on it he had no trust in women and had to have total control in the relationship.

Please get him to seek help

He doesn't need help. He needs to be in prison - seriously.

To repeat, he knows what he's doing.

This isn't about him and who cares what his relationship with his parents is like?

He behaves like this because he wants to, because he thinks he can get away with it.

If he had any decency he'd have put himself in therapy after the OP's ultimatum.

He didn't because he's behaving exactly how he wants.

The "light switch" incident is very telling. This was his response to the OP's father "having words" with him.

He's thought this through....no breaking the door. He can just say if challenged with "plausible deniability" that he didn't know she was in there and why didn't she call out to switch the light on?

Classic gaslighting to everyone involved.

The OP needs to get out and then call the police to get on record every incident of his abuse.

She's going to need to have on official record his behaviour to help in the future with any legal action over his access to the children. The fact her patents can testify to his "bathroom incident" is very helpful.

Leave. It’s not normal it’s totally shit

Bloody hell. If this ever comes up at school/nursery it will be reported as a safeguarding concern. Absolutely not acceptable. Protect yourself and be very careful if you pull out of the relationship.

I had one like this. It will escalate. It already is.

Get out.

This is all horrific. He's an abuser, very clearly. I'd like to give a perspective of what kids experience with this shit. I can clearly remember being 3 years old and my sibling was 1. As we entered the kitchen one day our parents were having a massive row. My dad was slamming things into the floor while my mum was curled up in the corner sobbing. I ushered my sibling out of the room and we went upstairs. I'm sure if they'd been asked they would have said we weren't aware of what happened. But that happened over 45 years ago and I can remember it clear as day. Ì learned to parent my sibling and others and be very angry and wary. Not a great combination.

He’s a nasty bastard OP. I’m sorry to sound so blunt but his behaviour, calling you a cunt in arguments before etc is abuse and you do not have to put up with him. It sounds like you have supportive parents which is great. Please contact women’s aid, speak to your parents. If you were my daughter or sister or friend I would do anything to help you leave, they will help you. You don’t deserve to be treated like this.

@bevm72yellow

You have a fantastic way of sounding judgemental to this woman. She needs to find help and support to leave in safety. Stop throwing blame at her in a difficult situation unless you walk in her shoes.

Is this directed at me?

You've made an accusation but not clarified against whom, so I can only assume it's at the previous poster (me).

If so, to be clear I do not blame the OP in the slightest nor do I judge her.

I've posted nothing that would indicate that whatsoever.

You seem to discounting the things he says to you as not really a problem. They are a problem. The way he talks to you is awful. It is no way to live. It is no way for children to learn how adults talk to each other.

With your updates it just shows the extent of the real problem.
OP you need to really snap out of this deluded mindset.
It's been going on for quite a while now. Your home must look like a warzone with holes in doors. You obviously daren't lock the bathroom door the next time, so he turned the light off... And you lay there in the dark. Can you not see what this is doing?
You say your children are in other rooms when these things happen... But they can hear what's going on. They also see the debris from the damaged items.
You need to really get on the ball with this, if there's already documented evidence relating to problems in the home. If your little boy starts throwing things and calling people cunts, it won't take much for people to recognise the behaviour. Kids play out troubled home lives.

You need to leave or better tell him to leave. You need to speak to your HV or Women's Aid
Your local police station should have a DV officer. There's help out there. You need to get yourself away from this situation. For your sake, and more importantly for your childrens

@DeRigeurMortis you have absolutely summed up this situation so well. Years ago I had anger problems but it was due to not having the coping mechanisms needed to deal with problems. I had an awful violent childhood. I sought help and now am so ashamed of what I was like and my poor husband having to witness my boughts of anger in our early married years. I never directed anything to him it was mainly me and I knew I wasn't well and it wasn't right. This, however is controlled, malicious and very very dangerous. The light switching incident just proves how cold and calculating he is and I would be scared to live with a person like that. Believe me OP your children will already be damaged as their brains are making inroads reflected of their environment (i have done alot of research into the effect of abuse on babies and children) They will have picked up on the atmosphere at home a day already their brains will be developing coping mechanisms and other such negative development which if left to carry on will scar them for a very very long time. I don't mean to sound dramatic but its something I looked into when I was trying to understand a little boy very close to us who was finding it hard to cope and was expressing himself with anger. Also was a great insight into my own issues growing up. Please please put your children first and keep them safe. That will mean having to put distance between you and their father. So sorry for what you are going through xx

Your Dad has your back OP. Can you and the kids go and live with your parents while you prepare for a divorce?

Mother of God, I couldn't live like that. It must be terrifying (and expensive). What's he going to do when he runs out of inanimate objects to smash?

Protect yourself and be very careful if you pull out of the relationship
That shouldn't be an 'if' there, it should be a 'while'.
You are going to get out of this, OP, aren't you? Do not give this man the chance to hurt his children further.
Yeah, we know, they're your children too. So protect them, and yourself, and end this. Carefully. Women's Aid, and don't discuss a thing about leaving with him.