To think husband breaking things isn’t normal?

[Sammy187]

Me and my husband have been together 7 years and during that time he’s broken multiple items in our house in anger. He once kicked our kitchen bin so hard it had a massive dent in it, made a hole in the downstairs toilet door by throwing a hammer at it because he couldn’t fix whatever he was fixing. Smashed up his laptop when the keys were sticking. Smashed the car radio when it wasn’t working.
Broken multiple mugs. Made holes in the wall.
I have a six month old girl and a 4year old boy. When my little girl was about a month old we had a very minor trivial argument, before I went up for a bath for some peace and locked the door. He was so annoyed I’d locked the door and didn’t want to talk that he repeatedly threw something at the door which now has 3 holes in.
Lately it’s Xbox. If he loses he throws things. He recently broke a mug when me and the kids were out (he didn’t hide the evidence) which turned into a massive argument and I told him it is the LAST time I put up with it.
Then yesterday while I was having a rare lie in (up breastfeeding all night) and he was supposed to be caring for the children he decided to play his Xbox. Lost and threw a mug at the door leaving a big chip in the door frame and bits of broken mug all over the hallway and stairs. I only found out when I was tidying up and he denied it and told me it fell on the kitchen floor. Only admitted it once I showed him the evidence (even found a pic with the door in it from the day before minus a chip. Full detective mode!). He’d made a half arsed effort to clean it making a hazard for my little boy to walk on!! Which really pushed me over the edge

I’ve threatened to leave before, and it’s always been a massive emotional declaration of I’ll never do it again. And here we are. Anger has NEVER been aimed at me or the children so I’ve always brushed it off, but I don’t want them growing up thinking this is ok. They rarely witness it but it’s only a matter of time. My 4 year old already throws things when he’s angry and I’m very passionate about making sure I tell him that is NOT what we do.

Do I try and get him to take anger management? Is it going to get worse? Do other people have husbands who do this?

Sorry for the essay 😫

Even ignoring the unacceptable violence, it's interesting it's always things he doesn't care about he breaks. What would he do if you had a massive tantrum and chucked the xbox out the window? Either get incredibly angry or look at you as though you were completely mad, right?

I'm not one of those who cares about adults playing on xbox etc....but having a tantrum when you lose a game and breaking things....it's not the actions of a rational adult, is it?

HornbeamLane if you (and OP's DH) have the time and self-control to not break something expensive or useful but find something inexpensive instead, then you've got the self-control to either divert your anger in a more healthy way or to at least go break it outside of the sight/hearing of partners or children who have told you they hate you doing this.

Totally not normal.

You said you'd leave if he did it again

He's done it again.

The fact he fucking leaves it for you to clean up is the final fuck you in this sorry tale. And as others have said he is definitely directing his anger at you be under no illusion and make no excuses for it.

Please leave him asap. If not for you, for the kids.

Thanks all for your responses. It has helped me to realise it isn’t normal and common.

When I was 6 weeks postpartum I was diagnosed with PND and while talking in depth to the perinatal team and psychiatrist I did mention some of this and they logged it as a safeguarding concern, but as it was never in front of the children they didn’t act on it and just signposted me. I didn’t want them to act on it either as I was in denial that it was much of a problem.
My son was downstairs watching a movie when the bathroom door incident happened and apparently In the play room when the mug was thrown although I wasn’t there.
I am absolutely fine myself, like I said there’s never been any physical aggression towards me - has called me a c* a few times and been nasty verbally.
But it’s my children I worry about. Nothing has ever been around them directly (that I know of...although my son throwing things seems a bit of a coincidence) but they’re only young and I worry that is only a matter of time before they do notice this behaviour and it affect them long term.

After the bathroom door incident we were in the peak of lockdown, but I rang my mum in tears and she sent my dad over who was furious. He had a word with him and he backed right down and was very embarrassed. He’s not mentioned it since.

I’ll figure something out I promise

@HornbeamLane

He never aimed this at any of us, nor my mum and none of us were scared he would ever hurt us.

That is even worse than being scared because it means you were so numbed to it that you didn't have the expected human reaction.

It's shocking for a child (and mother!) to be blasé about grown ups smashing and breaking things regularly as it shows how normalised aggression was in your house.

It's also incredibly sad for a child to think it's cool as that perception shows how much the adults around them failed to give them normal boundaries and expectations.

And now you're modelling similar behaviour which upsets your partner.

It isn't cool. It never was. It's unhealthy, aggressive behaviour that hugely increases the risk of people (including children in the house) being physically harmed alongside being emotionally harmed.

A few weeks ago, mid argument I went for a bath again - locked the door as I couldn’t be bothered with him following me and continuing it when I was just mentally exhausted. And he walked past the bathroom and switched the light off.
Not all that dramatic, but it was just to get to me and it upset me. We have an internal bathroom so no windows so I was just laying there in the pitch black

This is domestic abuse. My ex was the same. My son was 2 when he last witnessed it and had to have months and months of support. He still has outbursts now, 4 years down the line

@Sammy187

Thanks all for your responses. It has helped me to realise it isn’t normal and common.

When I was 6 weeks postpartum I was diagnosed with PND and while talking in depth to the perinatal team and psychiatrist I did mention some of this and they logged it as a safeguarding concern, but as it was never in front of the children they didn’t act on it and just signposted me. I didn’t want them to act on it either as I was in denial that it was much of a problem.
My son was downstairs watching a movie when the bathroom door incident happened and apparently In the play room when the mug was thrown although I wasn’t there.
I am absolutely fine myself, like I said there’s never been any physical aggression towards me - has called me a c* a few times and been nasty verbally.
But it’s my children I worry about. Nothing has ever been around them directly (that I know of...although my son throwing things seems a bit of a coincidence) but they’re only young and I worry that is only a matter of time before they do notice this behaviour and it affect them long term.

After the bathroom door incident we were in the peak of lockdown, but I rang my mum in tears and she sent my dad over who was furious. He had a word with him and he backed right down and was very embarrassed. He’s not mentioned it since.

I’ll figure something out I promise

He hasn't mentioned the bathroom since but he's still been aggressive again and just yesterday threw something in a rage while supposedly caring for your child and:

He’d made a half arsed effort to clean it making a hazard for my little boy to walk on!! Which really pushed me over the edge

What will it take for you to say enough is enough? I'm concerned you're going to wait until he has physically hurt you or one of the kids.

This is upsetting to hear I know but people who take their anger out on inanimate objects are angry cowards and angry cowards are the type of people who take their anger out on the most vulnerable people in a household - be it the smallest or the ones who can't speak. I've been the smallest one and I find it very hard to forgive the people around me for letting the situation escalate enough that I was hurt.

Not all that dramatic, but it was just to get to me and it upset me. We have an internal bathroom so no windows so I was just laying there in the pitch black

He’s awful. And calling you a cunt - also awful. Don’t minimise it because it’s verbal. People in loving respectful relationships do not do this.

No that's not normal. My husband has never even nearly broken anything in anger.
Are you going to wait until he throws the mug at you? Or punches you? He either cant control his anger, or is deliberately doing this, neither is good. Get rid. God I'd be so ashamed living in a house with holes in the doors from my husbands anger. I'm surprised your health visitor hasn't referred social services to you, if you went in a kids house with holes in the doors you'd be very worried about those kids.

You must know that violent, destructive anger isn't normal. Your child is already copying this behaviour which is how it passes down through generations of dysfunctional families like yours. Perhaps you witnessed similar as a child if you think this is normal.
Your children are in danger, physically and psychologically. Is this the kind of home you want for them?
No good talking about leaving - you need to get out. And preferably disappear out of this man's life for good.

You really can't give him anymore chances. Is he worth losing your children over ?

Get your dad round and get your husband out. You have no other choice.

I'm sure your h will promise all sorts. Once he has been to therapy or whatever the fuck it is he needs to stop being a twat then you can't decide if you still like him enough to have him back. Hopefully you'll realise what is for the best.

You're minimising. You're not being truthful to yourself. You say the children aren't being affected while in your OP you admit that My 4 year old already throws things when he’s angry. Your DC are being harmed in front of your eyes. Wake up!

The light thing proves that it all is aimed at you - he is making a choice every time.

He was punishing you for speaking out about it. Not starting a row directly because he’d been talked to by your dad but if he goaded you into a fight he could have blamed it on you.

He will move on to throwing things that just miss you. To backing you into a corner, to pushing and slapping.

For men like him, every time he explodes and you don’t throw him out, is a green light to go further next time.

I’m so sorry. It’s not easy to make a break like this. Even admitting it is full of pain and shame. But the sooner you do it, the sooner you and your children live a life without this fear. Good luck.

And he walked past the bathroom and switched the light off.
Not all that dramatic, but it was just to get to me and it upset me. We have an internal bathroom so no windows so I was just laying there in the pitch black

That's awful OP. It's cold, nasty and aggressive. It is not the act of a loving, caring person. You deserve so much more than this.

It's done to control you. You must be punished when your actions are not ones he approves of. What will he disapprove of as your children get older and they turn from little cute things into defiant tweens and teens? Ultimatums only work when you are prepared to follow through with them. You said one more incident and you will leave. If you don't then he knows you don't mean it and can carry on behaving however he damn well likes.

@Sammy187

A few weeks ago, mid argument I went for a bath again - locked the door as I couldn’t be bothered with him following me and continuing it when I was just mentally exhausted. And he walked past the bathroom and switched the light off. Not all that dramatic, but it was just to get to me and it upset me. We have an internal bathroom so no windows so I was just laying there in the pitch black

It is dramatic OP.

It's another way to punish you for not behaving how he wants.

What kind of person would deliberately switch of the light in a room? Especially a bathroom where you could slip in the dark and hurt yourself.

Also think about your reaction. You sat there in the dark. Why?

A normal reaction would be to yell out to say please put the light on and your DH would apologise and do just that. In extremis you'd get out of the bath and do it yourself.

You did neither because you knew it was deliberate and that he was angry so you didn't want to "provoke" him further.

See how this is still control?

If you think about it OP I'll bet there's a whole load of "petty" behaviours like this that he exhibits.

Thinks that "seem" too small to mention but it's all part of the same plan to keep you in your place.

He's a cunt OP. A nasty abusive cunt.

Get out as soon as you can.

I would be terrified to live with someone so full of rage. I couldn't do it and maintain any semblance of good mental health. It's horrible to raise kids around volatility. It will damage them for life.

Never mind "anger management". You have a responsibility to protect your children from this sort of behaviour and an obligation to get out as fast as you can.

No more ultimatums. I know its never as easy as "just leave". But understand that leaving is the only solution. There are no more fixes and there is nothing he can do to turn it around.

Speak to Women's Aid. Call the Police if he does it again. Find somewhere to go with your children. Anywhere.

But go you must.

Far from normal....my ExH used to behave like this...punched clean through a door whilst aiming for my head once... he blamed me and said it was my fault he was destructive to property and violent. I Divorced him years ago and to this day he has never acknowledged his behaviour and still claims I was the problem. Get out of there now if you want to protect your children and yourself. I cannot stress enough how urgent this is and how at risk you are.

Surely your children see the holes in the walls and doors where he has damaged them? You are kidding yourself if you think they don’t know what’s happening. Protect your children.

I echo what pp have said. My exh was exactly like this - it was very scary, and the DC’s definitely saw/heard, and worried. When I gave the impression that I wasn’t bothered by it, he started physically abusing me, and when I stood up to that, he started on the DC’s. I was very young when I entered into the ‘marriage and family’, and it took this long for me to realise that he would never change, that it wasn’t ‘my fault’ that he became angry, and I told him to leave. TBH, I think it’s what he wanted, and then he could blame me for chucking him out!!

Please don’t take the risk of this happening to you and your DC’s. Good luck, and big hugs.

I really don't like his behaviour. Him calling you the c word is abusive and it is not on that he turned the bathroom light off in annoyance! I am glad that you have the support of your family. He sounds very immature in terms of his ability to control his emotions. It's tantrum like. And your children definitely will pick up on it and find it disturbing. I'm not going to tell you to LTB, but I feel that you need to explain your position and get him to commit to anger management. It wouldn't be so bad if he just took it out on a cushion or chucked something of no value onto the lawn. But the destruction is not good and it cannot possibly make him feel better about him self having constant reminders about his anger problem and your rows around the house.

This is so awful OP.

I truly hope you get the strength to leave from the great advice already given in this thread.

Your marriage sounds exactly like my sisters, her H is a complete angry man and their very young 2 DD are so damaged by his rage already.

We can all see it, but just don't know how to help her find the courage to leave. She knows it's wrong but like a broken record "doesn't want the kids to come from a broken home"

She's not yet able to see the long term damage this is all doing, so it is relieving to read from your posts that you can see this and you deep down know you deserve so much better; you and the kids!

Please keep posting on here and talking.

Eventually the throwing things became throwing things at us. Please leave.

You're not going to the bathroom because you cant be bothered with him, if you are honest with yourself you are doing it because you are afraid of him and it's the only room in the house with a lock on it where you can escape from him. That's awful, nobody should have to live like this.
Physically abusive situations often start this way, please get out now before it goes down that road.