To think husband breaking things isn’t normal?

[Sammy187]

Me and my husband have been together 7 years and during that time he’s broken multiple items in our house in anger. He once kicked our kitchen bin so hard it had a massive dent in it, made a hole in the downstairs toilet door by throwing a hammer at it because he couldn’t fix whatever he was fixing. Smashed up his laptop when the keys were sticking. Smashed the car radio when it wasn’t working.
Broken multiple mugs. Made holes in the wall.
I have a six month old girl and a 4year old boy. When my little girl was about a month old we had a very minor trivial argument, before I went up for a bath for some peace and locked the door. He was so annoyed I’d locked the door and didn’t want to talk that he repeatedly threw something at the door which now has 3 holes in.
Lately it’s Xbox. If he loses he throws things. He recently broke a mug when me and the kids were out (he didn’t hide the evidence) which turned into a massive argument and I told him it is the LAST time I put up with it.
Then yesterday while I was having a rare lie in (up breastfeeding all night) and he was supposed to be caring for the children he decided to play his Xbox. Lost and threw a mug at the door leaving a big chip in the door frame and bits of broken mug all over the hallway and stairs. I only found out when I was tidying up and he denied it and told me it fell on the kitchen floor. Only admitted it once I showed him the evidence (even found a pic with the door in it from the day before minus a chip. Full detective mode!). He’d made a half arsed effort to clean it making a hazard for my little boy to walk on!! Which really pushed me over the edge

I’ve threatened to leave before, and it’s always been a massive emotional declaration of I’ll never do it again. And here we are. Anger has NEVER been aimed at me or the children so I’ve always brushed it off, but I don’t want them growing up thinking this is ok. They rarely witness it but it’s only a matter of time. My 4 year old already throws things when he’s angry and I’m very passionate about making sure I tell him that is NOT what we do.

Do I try and get him to take anger management? Is it going to get worse? Do other people have husbands who do this?

Sorry for the essay 😫

In case you don't know if you need the police but can't speak once you have got through press 55, they will then know you intentionally called and help

I'm going to go against the grain here.... I grew up in a household exactly like you're describing. I remember my father smashing a pint glass in the sink and all sorts. He never aimed this at any of us, nor my mum and none of us were scared he would ever hurt us.
I'm older now and I do tend to do the same thing. Ironically I did once kick a bin and dented it too. I'd never hurt my family or anybody and am known as being extremely placid and so was my father. My partner hates it and I can understand why.
The breaking of the object isn't to spark fear or anything like that. It's simply that when it breaks, the anger disappears. It's really that simple. I'd usually find something cheap and meaningless to break. I'd never break something expensive or sentimental; though I've been tempted to lob my phone a few times (never have done).
I'd try and teach your children not to do it but what I can say is that growing up I strangely thought it was "cool" in my father doing that. He would never even raise his voice and so it was just his coping mechanism whereby my mum would shout and scream when she got mad; I found that far worse than breaking a simple object.
I hope this helps x

This behavior is so abnormal and it's even worse that children are being introduced to this dangerous brute of a man.

Is there any family that you could stay with if you left him?

How do you live like that!!??
Your poor DCs.
Aren't you embarrassed living in a house that's effectively been vandalised??
You need to start making plans to get rid of him.

OP this is such a sad thread to read - and you're probably feeling overwhelmed reading the posts from people who've experienced things like this before. It's scary to acknowledge the truth you're living, and even more scary to imagine trying to move away from the situation.

However, in all my years on MN I've learned that these men don't change. They don't improve. They don't get fixed.

He is who he is because he's choosing his behaviour. Every day that he behaves this way, he chooses it. This isn't because he needs help to manage his anger, this isn't because he needs understanding or support from you or anyone else. This is simply who he quite happily wants to be. He is the best he's ever going to be; quite simply he has no desire to change and improve himself. If he did, he'd be the one posting here saying "how do I change, how do I become the Husband and Father they deserve, how do I even begin to apologise for the damage I've done". Yet he's not here. He's not looking for help. He's not looking to change. He's staying in that cycle because it suits him just fine.

You deserve more, you deserve peace and you deserve to raise your DC in a safe, calm and loving environment. Listen to the advice here, contact womens aid and find ways to begin making steps forward without this person who cares so little for your happiness.

I wouldn't have my kids grow up around that sort of behaviour. They're already starting to think its normal. I would tell him this and if it happens again I would leave him. You have to put the kids first.

OP, you need to get this man out of your house and away from your kids until he makes the choice to control this behaviour.

I grew up with a parent like this and though it wasn’t ‘directed’ at us, the threat that it could one day be was always present and something they actively used against us.

They have never changed, and my other parent is now a zombie who spends most of their life disassociated from reality, after a lifetime of walking on eggshells to placate them and guilt for inflicting him on us children.

Every single one of my siblings and I have struggled with anger and MH issues as a result.

You can’t fix him either through ultimatums or love - only he can do that and right now he has no reason to.

You can ensure that you don’t have to fix your children by removing him from their environment.

@HornbeamLane

I'm going to go against the grain here.... I grew up in a household exactly like you're describing. I remember my father smashing a pint glass in the sink and all sorts. He never aimed this at any of us, nor my mum and none of us were scared he would ever hurt us. I'm older now and I do tend to do the same thing. Ironically I did once kick a bin and dented it too. I'd never hurt my family or anybody and am known as being extremely placid and so was my father. My partner hates it and I can understand why. The breaking of the object isn't to spark fear or anything like that. It's simply that when it breaks, the anger disappears. It's really that simple. I'd usually find something cheap and meaningless to break. I'd never break something expensive or sentimental; though I've been tempted to lob my phone a few times (never have done). I'd try and teach your children not to do it but what I can say is that growing up I strangely thought it was "cool" in my father doing that. He would never even raise his voice and so it was just his coping mechanism whereby my mum would shout and scream when she got mad; I found that far worse than breaking a simple object. I hope this helps x

Do you think you would feel differently if your father had been chucking things against a locked door with you or your mum in it?

*behind it not in it!

That is awful! It doesn't matter that the items thrown aren't specifically aimed at you or the kids - what if one of you walks through a door just as he throws a hammer or something else at it?!

And putting 3 holes in a door because you'd locked it?! Totally outrageous and that would have been the point I called the police and had him leave.

Even if they can't see it, the kids will know it's happening. You've got to protect them and yourself. Seeing / hearing / seeing the impact of this violence is not good for them and my fear is one day he will deliberately hurt one of you. I wouldn't bother "supporting" him with anger management. I would get him to leave the property and then divorce him. Suggest he has anger management treatment / therapy and ask your solicitor to push for supervised visits until he's proven he can control his anger.

I guess some kids do not grow out of certain things.

It is not normal and it’s abusive, do you want your kids growing up walking on eggshells as dad is still having tantrums and destroying the house?

@HornbeamLane

I'm going to go against the grain here.... I grew up in a household exactly like you're describing. I remember my father smashing a pint glass in the sink and all sorts. He never aimed this at any of us, nor my mum and none of us were scared he would ever hurt us. I'm older now and I do tend to do the same thing. Ironically I did once kick a bin and dented it too. I'd never hurt my family or anybody and am known as being extremely placid and so was my father. My partner hates it and I can understand why. The breaking of the object isn't to spark fear or anything like that. It's simply that when it breaks, the anger disappears. It's really that simple. I'd usually find something cheap and meaningless to break. I'd never break something expensive or sentimental; though I've been tempted to lob my phone a few times (never have done). I'd try and teach your children not to do it but what I can say is that growing up I strangely thought it was "cool" in my father doing that. He would never even raise his voice and so it was just his coping mechanism whereby my mum would shout and scream when she got mad; I found that far worse than breaking a simple object. I hope this helps x

Christ on a bike....

There is NOTHING "cool" about the OP husband's behaviour.

What you've spectacularly missed is the fact is this is nothing at all to do with releasing pent up anger.

It's about a man using specifically targeted anger to coerce his wife into behaving as he wants her to.

This man isn't smashing a glass in the sink because he stubbed his toe or similar - he's doing an impersonation of Jack Nicholson in The Shining, putting holes in the bathroom door because she wanted a bath in peace.

Please do not minimise what's going on here. It's hugely unhelpful and potentially dangerous to people suffering from domestic violence.

My 4 year old already throws things when he’s angry

That stood out for me.
Plus you threatened to leave if there were any more incidents. There has been. So you either follow through on your threat (but carefully, as a PP has said, given his violent tendencies) or otherwise what was the point of making the threat to leave in the first place.

It is directed at you. It's a threat, warning shots in the air, a show of dominance, to show what will happen if you step out of line or displease him.

It is unacceptable for a grown man to react like this to minor inconveniences. 99.9% of people accept that things don't always go their way and learn to self-regulate. You don't fly off the handle at inanimate objects OP - you already know this isn't normal.

For the sake of your kids please leave. My dad was like this and my mum did leave him but it was terrifying before that.

This type of behaviour is manipulative and intimidating.Other people have said it's not aimed at OP but it is;some of it is aimed at OP because he can't get his own way.

How long before he starts smashing up things belonging to OP and the children?,How long before someone gets hurt during one of these tantrums?

With this level of violence and some of it directed at the OP how do any of us know if next time it won't be a hammer thrown at the OP or a punch to her face instead of a door?

This man toddler needs to be given his marching orders ideally with another adult in the house for her safety.

I'd then consider contacting a social worker in regards to supervised visits with the kids because there would be no way I'd allow him to be alone with those kids.

No offense OP, but I am surprised you have to ask the question if his behaviour is normal.
It's anything but normal.

It's very violent and abusive

You cannot tell your ds 'we dont do this' when you live with his parent who does.
It s only a matter of time before you or your dc get caught in cross fire and injured by a flying item.
He goes or you go with dc
Now.

You are minimising and downplaying how much your 4 yo son has witnessed. For instance when you were in the bath, where was your son? And he nearly stepped on the broken mug? Presumably lots of other occasions. It's quite distressing.

I read your post with interest because my husband had serious anger issues earlier on in our marriage. It was so bad at one point and I was so scared that I stayed out all night and slept in my car before going to work. He never physically harmed me but damaged the house and things in it. When I confided in my parents and asked for their help, I was told, “Oh, my father used to do things like that all the time!” - like it was ok and I just had to live with it.
Everything is always someone else’s fault. It’s never his. I have hidden his behaviour from others as I was too embarrassed to admit I’d made a mistake marrying for the second time to a control freak.
Please leave him. There are men out there who are great role models for kids and who will cherish you. It’s the safest and best thing you can do for your DC.

I am not sure if you have anywhere to go but get some professional expert advice and confide in a close friend or family member who may also know that he behaves like this. People who lose their temper are losing control and it stems from a lack of self respect. If you deeply respect yourself, you need never lose control. I grew up with a father with a short temper but he never struck me but the fear of his verbal outbursts ruined my childhood and I stammered when I learned to talk and I believe it quietened my nature making me quite introverted. I lived in fear of a physical manifestation as the threat seemed so real. He would just shout and look physically stressed out which is scary for a child to witness. To this day I cannot stand being around people having emotional outbursts. He needs therapy and if he will leave and rent a place for a while to deal with his problems if at all possible or stay with a friend or family member that would give you a calm peaceful space while he gets help. He may be struggling with his mental health and need some urgent treatment. Good luck and I hope he is able to recognise he has a problem. If not then the potential for improvement is slim.

No OP this is not normal. Most husbands/partners do not throw things in anger. This is abuse OP and you need to leave.

Growing up in an abusive household is hugely damaging for children and your 4 year old is already being affected by it.

Yet.

The word you're missing is: yet.

As in he hasn't hit you yet.

Or your kids.

Get out.

Does he do this at work? If not, he can control it but chooses not to despite the number of times you have asked him to, which tells you everything you need to know about your relationship.

If he does do it at work, that's really worrying, because they won't put up with it.

Getting this angry about something as trivial as an X box game is really worrying. Is he really going to be able to control it when he can't stop the baby crying, or a child hurts him accidentally, or if a child defies him in any way? The fact that he can't be bothered to clear up broken crockery putting your children in nursery strongly suggests that they are not a priority for him.