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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think husband breaking things isn’t normal?

169 replies

Sammy187 · 29/11/2020 19:43

Me and my husband have been together 7 years and during that time he’s broken multiple items in our house in anger. He once kicked our kitchen bin so hard it had a massive dent in it, made a hole in the downstairs toilet door by throwing a hammer at it because he couldn’t fix whatever he was fixing. Smashed up his laptop when the keys were sticking. Smashed the car radio when it wasn’t working.
Broken multiple mugs. Made holes in the wall.
I have a six month old girl and a 4year old boy. When my little girl was about a month old we had a very minor trivial argument, before I went up for a bath for some peace and locked the door. He was so annoyed I’d locked the door and didn’t want to talk that he repeatedly threw something at the door which now has 3 holes in.
Lately it’s Xbox. If he loses he throws things. He recently broke a mug when me and the kids were out (he didn’t hide the evidence) which turned into a massive argument and I told him it is the LAST time I put up with it.
Then yesterday while I was having a rare lie in (up breastfeeding all night) and he was supposed to be caring for the children he decided to play his Xbox. Lost and threw a mug at the door leaving a big chip in the door frame and bits of broken mug all over the hallway and stairs. I only found out when I was tidying up and he denied it and told me it fell on the kitchen floor. Only admitted it once I showed him the evidence (even found a pic with the door in it from the day before minus a chip. Full detective mode!). He’d made a half arsed effort to clean it making a hazard for my little boy to walk on!! Which really pushed me over the edge

I’ve threatened to leave before, and it’s always been a massive emotional declaration of I’ll never do it again. And here we are. Anger has NEVER been aimed at me or the children so I’ve always brushed it off, but I don’t want them growing up thinking this is ok. They rarely witness it but it’s only a matter of time. My 4 year old already throws things when he’s angry and I’m very passionate about making sure I tell him that is NOT what we do.

Do I try and get him to take anger management? Is it going to get worse? Do other people have husbands who do this?

Sorry for the essay 😫

OP posts:
Holothane · 29/11/2020 20:04

I’d leave and leave now this is not safe for anyone..

ChikiTIKI · 29/11/2020 20:04

Also good point mentioned above.

You lay in, he smashes things.
You go in a room alone for some space, he smashes the door.

Is a lot of his anger in response to you looking after yourself?

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 29/11/2020 20:04

This is a serious problem. You may not be intimidated by his violence but you have two small DC and I bet they're frightened. I would be. Smashing things is an unspoken threat.

If I were in your shoes I'd be asking him to either start anger management NOW or move out.

Seafog · 29/11/2020 20:05

It's not normal or appropriate, and it's not up to you to fix him.
Out he goes, and he can fix his own self. You focus on you and the kids, where you can make a difference.

Hahaha88 · 29/11/2020 20:06

Yabvu in staying with him. Why even bother telling him it was the last cjsn last time when you obviously didn't mean it? I have tbh and say if I knew you irl I'd be reporting your family to social services, it's not normal, fair or acceptable for the children to grow up in that environment. And really what do you expect your boy to do but throw things when that's the example he's set? Saying we don't do that is laughable as clearly that is what is done in your household. I'm sorry but you need to put your kids first, if you aren't able to do it for yourself you should at least do it for them

StrippedFridge · 29/11/2020 20:07

I told him it is the LAST time I put up with it.

Then yesterday he did it again.

And here we are.

Yes here you are. You made an ultimatum. A reasonable ultimatum. He didn't get help or stop playing Xbox or care for the children when he was supposed to. No, he did it again. If you don't do something significant now, your ultimatums mean nothing. Nothing at all. You will both know it.

Violent men are violent. The violence is getting closer and closer to you and the children. Hell, I have have never ever felt the need to lock myself in the bathroom to get away from DH, I'd just tell him I want to be alone and he'd leave me alone. He sure as hell wouldn't be battering the door in. Your boundaries are fucked. I suspect there is a lot more that is well over the line, the violence is just the tip of the iceberg.

LolaSmiles · 29/11/2020 20:08

It is domestic violence and is not normal.

You are right that your children will be affected by this.

Could you call WomensAid when he isn't around?

Dontstepinthecowpat · 29/11/2020 20:08

If the health Vistor turned up (I I know this is unlikely at present but in normal times) and asked about it what would you say? Because they would, and you would find that social services would bed to be sure that your children are safe.

This isn’t normal.

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 29/11/2020 20:08

My 4 year old already throws things when he’s angry and I’m very passionate about making sure I tell him that is NOT what we do.

But he won't believe you. Because it's exactly what his dad does.

LakieLady · 29/11/2020 20:10

It's not normal and he needs to leave. Witnessing this sort of shit will be emotionally damaging for your children.

So sorry this is happening, OP. Flowers

Gncq · 29/11/2020 20:12

He's a violent man

He can't manage his emotions without resorting to violence.

It won't be long until his violence is directed at you or you children.

It is precisely this sort of personality profile who end up "snapping" and murdering their whole family.

user1825894133270 · 29/11/2020 20:13

It's normal in an abusive situation. Otherwise, no.

As for your children not "witnessing" it... Maybe not visually live, but they hear it, they feel the emotions, and they are the damage. So in reality they are witnessing it and being affected already.

Therapy, Freedom Programme course, legal advice, and Women's Aid advice for yourself would be good options.

I would be very concerned about your safety if you warn him you're leaving before leaving (and actually mean it this time) so please take professional advice before you do that.

Newuser991 · 29/11/2020 20:14

It is aimed at you though.

You locked yourself in the bathroom and he threw things at it and damaged it.

If I had had my phone in there I would have been calling the police telling them my husband was trying to break the door down.

TheSandman · 29/11/2020 20:16

As a man I would say that it totally not acceptable behaviour for anyone over the age or three or four. He needs help.

Twigletfairy · 29/11/2020 20:17

Imagine your little girl as an adult coming to you and telling you her partner was behaving like this. What would you say to her?

When your little boy is older and had a partner come to you and tell you he is behaving like this, how would you feel?

How scared do you think your children are when they're around someone who can't control themselves. How scared do you think your children will be when he takes his anger directly out on one of you physically.

LIZS · 29/11/2020 20:17

He has to recognise the problem and want to change for there to be any point in counselling. After 7 years and 2 children he has worn you down to the point you do not see his anger and abuse for what it is and he knows you won't leave. Your ds copies his father, what happens when he gets too big or violent you to control? Please leave.

june2007 · 29/11/2020 20:18

He def needs to get some help before he really does hurt someone or himself.

YouNoob · 29/11/2020 20:18

Yup, pretty much what everyone else is saying. It's not normal. It's emotionally damaging you for you and the children. You need to leave or he needs to be gone.

Good luck OP Flowers

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 29/11/2020 20:20

When I started leaving the room /the house when he smashed things he upped his game and began driving recklessly whenever I /dc were in the car to scare us. When he drove down the central reservation of a motorway and nearly killed us I reported him for dd and filed for divorce.
Police officer told me he was a head case.

Bbang · 29/11/2020 20:20

Oh lovely I’m sorry you’re going through this but please rise several times this has been aimed at you, smashing the mug whilst you were having a lie in (so your punishment) and trying to break down a door with an implement because you locked it to have a bath.

This is very much directed at you and it sounds like he’s escalating?

Please think about getting help and getting out, like a PP said upthread these are the kind of men who shake babies and you’re child is already mimicking his behaviour.

DressingGownofDoom · 29/11/2020 20:20

That must be so scary for your kids. LTB Sad

HappyDaze90 · 29/11/2020 20:21

Sorry but you’ve said it’s never aimed at you, yet when you locked the bathroom door he threw something at it repeatedly?!

My ex used to throw things when he lost a game on his console and it slowly made me start to resent him. This goes beyond that though. He is throwing and breaking things regularly. I don’t have kids, but I would be gone by now. You don’t want your kids growing up thinking this is even remotely acceptable behaviour. And if it’s causing strain on your relationship and arguments between you, the kids will eventually pick up on that atmosphere too.

I wish you all the best 💕

liveitwell · 29/11/2020 20:22

It's not normal, no.

He clearly has anger management problems. You say your son is showing signs of it too.

Get out while you can. You've given him enough chances. Clearly he doesn't see a need to change. I would ask him to leave and I would expect he gets help for it. If not, then it's a permanent arrangement.

He's a grown man and needs to grow up. Your children WILL be emotionally affected by this as they get older (and you don't deserve to live like it either)

AlwaysCheddar · 29/11/2020 20:23

How many chances are you going to give him! FFS, leave.

MustDust · 29/11/2020 20:23

Sounds just like my father. DM thought she did a good job of covering it up, as it is I'm terrified of confrontation. Wish she'd left him when we were little instead of waiting till we were older. I'm so sorry you're going through this but believe me, the kids will be affected.