To think I wasn't being a dick?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

I split up with exH 2 years ago, we have 2DC aged 4&8 and when they're at ex's they still see their cousins and aunty, my exSIL. ExSIL has only contacted me once since the split - to remind me to get her son (DN) a present (I refused said it was Ex's job now) - never checked to see I was ok after her brother had an affair. Anyway, her DS is 7 and over lockdown I allowed DD (8) to use my phone to face call him and play Minecraft with him at the same time on my iPad.

DN has his own iPad but he uses his parent's Facebook messenger accounts to face call DD.

Now we're back to normality, and school, I let DD have 3 hours in total on a weekend, split however she likes from Friday evening to Sunday. She used most of it on Friday after school, so that's her time used up. But DN has called (which came through to both my phone and iPad) 23 times. I didn't answer either as they've been in another room most of the day. I also had nuermous messenger messages like "DD call me now" and "Why aren't you calling you're upsetting me". I did reply sorry DD won't be having screen time today, but he still kept calling.

Anyway, I texted exSIL on the number I still have for her and said "Hi it's Glummy, can you stop DN from calling my messenger please, DD isn't allowed her iPad today and he's called 23 times today". She replied saying "OK but there's no need to be a dick about it he just misses DD that's all" I don't think what I said was dickish at all. I'm tempted to reply and ask what she means. I haven't yet, but it's really bothered me. There's no backstory we got on fine when I was married to her brother but she firmly nailed her colours to the mast when we split (except when she wanted her son to get a birthday present, apparently that was still my job and if left to ex he wouldn't have got one )

It was a case of the love instantly stopped when I found out what he did. Just like someone clicked their fingers and it stopped. It was extraordinary.

I haven't read the entire thread, I did read the first four pages but I'm actually in shock at the way some posters have given the OP a hard time here and think she was rude and insensitive or questioning how much screen time she gives her child!

OP you were most definitely not rude and nor were you a dick 23 missed calls is excessive!! DN needs to learn that is not acceptable behaviour and clearly his mother needs to monitor his screen time as you do your DD.

ExSil is the rude one here sending you that message and calling you a dick! But reading your original post I don't think I'll be able to pick up my jaw from the floor for days that she sent you a message reminding you of DN birthday and to get him a gift from DD! That is cheeky fucker behaviour of the highest order and very grabby but to then be rude the way she was I don't know how you didn't reply saying "fuck off you cheeky fucker" because I certainly would have done. It's for your ex to sort out presents for HIS side of the family and ExSIL should be speaking to him about this, I bet she'd be fuming if you sent her message like that! I can't believe no one is jumping on that entitled and rude behaviour to be honest OP if I were you and you get a message like this again reply "That is not my job ask your brother" or when it's DD birthday send the same one to exSIL because you can bet she wouldn't like a taste of her own medicine

[quote GlummyMcGlummerson]@RosyPickle but you can't make a statement like "you're mean not to buy a present for your exH's nephew when exH won't" and not have it challenged. Because it does raise questions about "where to stop"a This forum is for debating - it's an entirely relevant example, and like it or not yours is a sexist statement to make but you simply wouldn't say it to a man.

You say you think it's mean of me not to get a present for DN - but, apparently, not because exH won't, but because "he's your nephew". Aside from the fact that that isn't your determination to make, he is no longer my nephew. Yes I could get him a present "from me" because we have history - the same way I could get a present for DC's school friends. But I don't, because - well, why would I? Why would I buy for any child I don't feel it's my obligation to?

I never said you were unsympathetic towards abused women, I said your point of "oh wouldn't it be lovely if ex wives just stayed in their exILs lives" doesn't take so much into account - and yes it's ignorant and borne From a place where everyone gets along, when in reality it's not how it works.

Again, you never ever once mention the mean ex-uncles - there's a reason for that.[/quote]
I started out this thread totally disagreeing with you because I did think you should buy for the nephews and i didn't like the original post but the more the thread goes in the more I love you and am being swayed...

You're quite right. Nobody mentions the mean ex uncle.

@Luciferthecat666 you are so right about the present, but since page 4 several posters have called me mean for not buying the present and can't understand why it's sexist to expect me to do it don't get me wrong I love a good bonkers MN thread but this is just beyond the pale

[quote GlummyMcGlummerson]@Luciferthecat666 you are so right about the present, but since page 4 several posters have called me mean for not buying the present and can't understand why it's sexist to expect me to do it don't get me wrong I love a good bonkers MN thread but this is just beyond the pale[/quote]

[quote GlummyMcGlummerson]@Luciferthecat666 you are so right about the present, but since page 4 several posters have called me mean for not buying the present and can't understand why it's sexist to expect me to do it don't get me wrong I love a good bonkers MN thread but this is just beyond the pale[/quote]
I don't know if my post got lost and whether you saw it but I did say to a poster that given the affair they are wrong uns for giving you a hard time about spending time with your daughter.

That makes sense why it killed the love instantly, that he would throw away his marriage and family to prey on a girl more than his half his age means he is not who you thought he was.

SIL could have made the choice to be decent to you like MIL, but didn't, you owe her nothing

I've read this whole thread over the last few hours, and it is mind blowing. OP I have loved all your responses. Your kids are very lucky to have a strong mum, that has their best interests, and her own as priority. You are so far from being the dick in this situation.

Thank you @Wheresmykimchi 😘

@GlummyMcGlummersonI'm still reading the rest of the thread but my god some people are just unbelievable! They think you should buy a present whilst your ex is a tight fisted bugger who won't! I don't think I'll be recovering my jaw off the floor at that!

As for the dick message I would have responded with "well as the saying goes it takes one to know one right "

Don't you dare buy that present OP it's your ex's responsibility to do that and if he won't then his sister needs to speak to him about it not you! If you were still together then maybe fair enough about getting the gift but your exSIL was fucking cheeky to demand and that's exactly what it is, demanding and entitled you don't send your brother's ex a message reminding them it's your child's birthday and to get them a present from your kids! Then to be so fucking rude after her son had called you 23 times would have really pissed me off. Has your exSIL got form for this sort of behaviour?

Don't worry Lucifer I don't plan to.

Yeah exSIL can be a bit of an entitled so and so. DN is a good kid but he's the youngest by far and the only boy and is pampered a bit.

@GlummyMcGlummerson Good for you! Anyway DN won't even notice anyway my not so "DF" never bothered buying me birthday presents after he and my mum split I didn't even get a card every year and I never noticed but that's a whole other thread LOL

No surprise there your exSIL has form for this behaviour people like her usually do next thing you know she'll be sending you links to the presents she expects you to buy DN people's cheeky fucker entitled behaviour never ceases to amaze me. Out of curiosity if you did the same to her is she the type to kick off over it?

@WhereamI88

This thread is so fucking stupid. You have hundres of MN threads advising women to be more assertive, women competing over how little screen time their kids get and here we have a woman who sent a perfectly good assertive text to an all round cunt and she gets criticized by everyone because the text wasn't nice and hun enough and 3 hours of gaming per weekend is too little for an EIGHT year old...OK....

Finally four pages in and someone with common sense arrives!

Bravo @GlummyMcGlummerson you sound like a good mother and a good person. Your days of wife work are over. His family his responsibility. I really don't get the other posters giving mean uncle a pass because of his magic penis. Rediculous .

Wow - this is bonkers MN.

Why should a woman have to buy a present for a child she has no connection with because his actual blood relative can’t be arsed? For how many years should this continue? Until he’s 21?

I also love that some people want OP’s 8 year old to spend more time on Minecraft and less time with her Mum and sibling when they have weekends together.

@GlummyMcGlummerson

Thank you *@Wheresmykimchi* 😘

You won me over @Glummy

Why should the OP purchase a gift for the nephew for the exH to take the credit for? The marriage is over and maintaining relationships with cousins is now his responsibility, including gift purchasing.

The SIL is a dick, how did her 7 year olds have enough unsupervised access to make so many calls? I'm a bit more lax on screen time but then my children are with me full time and I don't have to share them. But I do say enough is enough, and we do sit down to watch movies (my 5 year old calls it family time strangely enough) and we snuggle down with popcorn and blankets and just enjoy being together. I don't want all his memories of his childhood to be him playing minecraft while I scroll Mumsnet on my phone. It sounds like the DN wouldn't have been happy to just chat anyway and would've wanted to play.

@GlummyMcGlummerson Just finished reading the full thread and I'm that the majority of posters are actually outraged and laying into you because you're point blank refusing to reward the rude, entitled and extremely cheeky fucker behaviour of your ExSIL!! My jaw will forever remain nailed down to the floor!!

You sound like an ace person actually with the way you're showing your kids how to stick up for themselves and not put up with any crap from others including horrible relatives! Good for you OP keep it up

After reading the things your ExSIL has said to you I think you've been very restrained in your responses. After her replies I would have responded with this;

ExSIL

Get off your damn high horse and remind YOUR BROTHER to buy the presents from the kids. You no longer consider me a part of your family (not that you ever did) but yet you have the audacity demand that I should be the one buying presents for your family from my kids! Fuck off with your cheeky fucker behaviour and take it out on your brother not me! I'm the ex wife so therefore I'm no longer required to cover up for your selfish and as you put it useless brother's lack of care for HIS family! You care nothing about my feelings so why the fuck would I show any care for yours? This is a two way street, if you want me to care and be nice then you need to be doing the same thing.

It's unfortunate that DN was heartbroken but it is not my DD's job to keep him entertained we were busy and 23 missed calls is excessive! It's entirely your decision if you want to stop all phone contact between the cousins I was merely hoping you could have a chat with DN and explain that DD was busy and she'll call him another time. You won't put up with your son being ignored so what were you doing that was so important you didn't pay him enough attention that he felt the need to make 23 phone calls and text messages to my DD?

Then block the bitch from contacting you

When ex finds a new girlfriend, you'll be getting hell for buying DN a present - you would be the crazy ex wife interfering with his family. The new girlfriend will be on here complaining that the ex is still in the picture, trying to buy the family's affections and loads of posters replying how sad it is the ex hasn't moved on...

You only matter to the family until a new woman comes along.

A child not getting a present is fine. FFS I didn't get a present from all my aunties and uncles growing up, that's fucking ridiculous. I usually only got gifts from people we were spending Christmas Day with! How grabby is it to expect a gift from every member of the family???

Also, family isn't everything, especially if they treat you like shit. Ensure your DD isn't responsible for the feelings of this nightmare child. Calling 23 times is harassment, it shows a concerning level of entitlement and immaturity. He could be a bully in the making. It's sad but that's his parents' responsibility and your responsibility is to protect DD from that.

@GlummyMcGlummerson I’ve just caught up on the rest of this thread and I have to join those saying they are a little in love with you!

The more women who take a stand on being assertive with no apology, don’t hun it up because that’s what women ‘do’ and refuse to compensate for useless menchildren the better!

Thank you all, I appreciate your comments. I’m really sick of women being pressured to compromise their boundaries and agency, and it’s even more annoying if it’s allegedly in the pursuit of pleasing children. It’s as if little girls matter up until they’re 17 years and 364 days old, then the next day they’re shoved right down to the bottom of the pecking order. I see it all the time especially on MN - just the other day several posters were saying that men should be allowed to take their daughters into the ladies loo because a little girl’s right to not be exposed to unpleasant smells and men’s backs is far more important than the privacy, safety and dignity of adult women. It infuriates me, people just use children as a vehicle to express their misogyny in what they think is a legitimate and kind way.

I couldn't disagree with you more.

@5863921l on what points?

@GlummyMcGlummerson

Thank you all, I appreciate your comments. I’m really sick of women being pressured to compromise their boundaries and agency, and it’s even more annoying if it’s allegedly in the pursuit of pleasing children. It’s as if little girls matter up until they’re 17 years and 364 days old, then the next day they’re shoved right down to the bottom of the pecking order. I see it all the time especially on MN - just the other day several posters were saying that men should be allowed to take their daughters into the ladies loo because a little girl’s right to not be exposed to unpleasant smells and men’s backs is far more important than the privacy, safety and dignity of adult women. It infuriates me, people just use children as a vehicle to express their misogyny in what they think is a legitimate and kind way.

This one bugged me. My husband would never dream of going into the ladies and I'm sorry but if a girl is young enough to not go to the bathroom alone, she should definitely go in the toilet of the adult she's with. No man should be in a ladies and I couldn't understand how people thought otherwise.

You're definitely in the right in this scenario, too. It's the ex's job to get his family presents. And she had no right to call you a dick for a simple request. ExSIL is a dick.