Too fat for my husband to respect me

[FootballFacedOrang]

Last night, somehow, the subject of my weight came up.

I told my husband I feel like he doesn't have any respect for me any more. It's hard to pinpoint. His general tone, lack of interest in anything I'm doing, undermining me in front of our 5yr old son. He just acts, quietly, like I'm something to be tolerated. Never celebrated, admired, or god forbid fancy.

I thought maybe I was being paranoid. No. Turns out my husband "can't have any respect for me when I don't have any respect for myself". By this he means that I am too fat (13 stone at 5 foot 6), don't get enough exercise and eat too much.

While he's right that I've not looked after myself as well as I should have done over the last five years, the fact that his respect for me is so conditional is hurtful.

I am studying at the moment. I got 87% for a piece of work this week. I'm dealing with lock down, which for me means seeing no one but my husband and 5 year old, not seeing my own family or friends for nearly a year, single handedly doing homeschooling + study ealier in the year. Now doing the vast majority of parenting, housework and cooking + my studies because I'm not out at work (my studies bring in as much more money as DHs pretty low paid job).

I should add that I had loads of massive surgery and a emergency hysterectomy when DS was born, so I was post baby, surgery, hysterectomy and menopause at 32. It's taken its toll.

I dunno. I agree that I should be healthier, but life isn't ideal and I am what I am. I don't think k that's a reason to respect me less. AIBU?

This man is ugly on the inside, and you can’t diet that out of him. He reminds me of Trump with his pathetic view that illness is some kind of weakness. Fuck him. His bones don’t deserve your love or any other part of him. He will get old and I’ll one day and it will hit him like a rock because he has never built up the resilience to deal with arseholes like himself. Don’t dress this up as stiff upper lip, it’s having no empathy. Disgusting individual.

The am what I am attitude massively increases your chances of dying younger than you should. You owe it to yourself and your child to lose the weight

Sorry but that's not true. If you are overweight, but not obese, then you have a slight increased advantage in terms of mortality, in other words you are less likely to die in any given time period than someone who is normal weight or slim.

Obesity is associated with disadvantage.

It's complicated, but not as simple as shouting 'you'll die younger' at overweight people.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3803151/

Holy shit op! I've read all your posts. I agree with your latest thoughts; he is being pretty harsh! There is morbidly obese, and of course I'd be genuinely concerned for my DH's health if he ever got to be very, very obese. He isn't FWIW, he's slim. But, although yes, ideally you would lose weight and do more exercise, is 13 stone all that bad for your height?

Anyway, as to your op, I have just been thinking of a woman I know who is quite overweight. I don't want to be too outing, but some of the stuff she has done through her freelance work, is unbelievable. Like, it probably effects your life, or that of someone you know, even though you don't know her. She has changed the entire country for the better. She is amazing. She hasn't lost weight. Nobody cares. Respect is not tied to your weight.

Focus on what you can do, not how you look. You can start a sport, because that will boost your confidence. But don't do it just to lose weight. You are so much more than a number on a scale. Your DH should be encouraging you as you say. You say his 'concern' is disingenuous and I would trust my instincts there. Do you think he just wants a size 10 woman on his arm to keep up appearances or something? Or does he only fancy certain dress sizes?

The thing is, you've had a rough ride. Moving away to be with him, birthing his child and having serious health problems as a result etc. It will show in your looks. I honestly think someone who loves you wouldn't be doing faux concern, it would be real loving support.

That is incredibly painful and hurtful, but sadly there is some truth in it. People don't respect us when we don't respect ourselves. We want them to, but it's almost as if we are passing the burden of responsibility to them: respect and love me before I'll bother to put the work in and do the same. Hearing it can really knock the stuffing out of you and when DH said something similar - I never forgot it. And in a small way it diminished what I thought of him because he wasn't honouring what I had achieved during difficult years but was focusing on judging.

But...I'd treat this as a wake up call. Start doing C25K or similar - he can mind your 5 year old. Do some online fitness stuff every day. Chuck out the junk food and tell him if he's serious about you respecting yourself, he must honour this and not bring junk food into the house. You do deserve to take better care of yourself. I have lost half of the weight i need to lose this year through exercise and sensible eating (no dieting) and I really do feel so so much happier with myself - more confident, more in control, more self respect and I notice more respect from others, including strangers in shops etc. We don't always like the truth about weight gain but it's up to us how we deal with it.

YY to what the pp said; it can be a wake up call, and that might be a positive thing. But, at the same time, it would 100% lower my opinion of my partner if he said this.

I've had difficult times in my life and I'm sure i haven't been looking my best or just at my best in general. My DH picks me up and cares for me when that happens and I get myself together. Same as I do for him. He doesn't discard me and look down his nose at me because I had a rough patch and he didn't. That is so low.

People don't respect us when we don't respect ourselves

I don’t think that’s true. Everyone is due consideration and respect regardless of how they see themselves.

Would you really contend that mental health patients with the low self esteem that goes along with depressive illness are somehow less worthy of respect than patients who are physically ill?

It would be hard for OP to respect herself living with a person who clearly has no respect for her.

@TatianaBis

The idea that someone would be less worthy of respect because they were ill or their lifestyle wasn’t to your taste is warped, screwed up and objectionable

There is a difference between the general level of respect due to all humankind, and the high level of respect that needs to be held between spouses. People should have a general view that their spouse is a great person, and hold them in very high esteem. That level of heightened respect cannot be held for everybody, by everybody, because we are all different.

What you said above is disrespectful, so it's all a bit rich coming from you anyway.

@Labobo you have spectacularly missed the point of the OPs post. I'd say recoving from major surgery and health issues while dealing with a baby and then going on to study while keeping the household running takes a great deal of personal strenght.

How insulting that you're implying there's a lack of self-respect because she's a bit overweight for her height? Completely disregarding the fact that her surgery put her into early menopause?

This is why my heart sinks when I see threads like this. The eating-disordered of MN use any admission of having a BMI over borderline-underweight as a reason to have a go or imply everything is the posters fault, despite all evidence to the contrary.

Oh and I tend to fluctuate weight-wise and am currently a few lb overweight. But as I do respect myself now, unlike when I was a screwed-up teenager with an eating disorder, I no longer feel self-loathing at that, or starve myself, or make myself vomit.

That is self-respect. Not some desperate, vain drive to be thin at all costs.

[quote MaxNormal]@Labobo you have spectacularly missed the point of the OPs post. I'd say recoving from major surgery and health issues while dealing with a baby and then going on to study while keeping the household running takes a great deal of personal strenght.

How insulting that you're implying there's a lack of self-respect because she's a bit overweight for her height? Completely disregarding the fact that her surgery put her into early menopause?

This is why my heart sinks when I see threads like this. The eating-disordered of MN use any admission of having a BMI over borderline-underweight as a reason to have a go or imply everything is the posters fault, despite all evidence to the contrary.[/quote]
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

What your partner said was very hurtful and he could have been a lot more supportive in the light of all you’ve been through. People can often say thoughtless things and men in particular can often need teaching what to do and say in sensitive situations, in my experience.
However, you do have the benefit of knowing how he really feels, rather than him saying all the right things, but behaving differently towards you and you not knowing why. You can’t change his opinion of you, by talking him round. However, you can change what he says to you and remind him of the very difficult issues you’ve faced and how you’ve overcome them and how you need supporting.
A manager at my work always to talk about me “raising my profile”, which for the longest term I didn’t like to hear, as I thought my work should speak for itself and not how well I got on with senior people in the business. However, I get what he was saying, now. Everyone is leading their own life and dealing with their own issues and not always aware of the struggles and successes of people around them. If we want people to recognise our achievements, we need to highlight them to the people who matter (like your 87% on your course, or the fact that you should be proud of overcoming so much in your early thirties with your health). Sometimes sharing your perspective, can influence others’ opinions and points of view.
That’s why we’re encouraged more and more, in this day and age, to speak up and ask for what we need, rather than suffer in silence, or assume someone will notice and come to our rescue. We’re also encouraged to take charge of our own mental and physical health and do what we can to improve it.
Forget about your weight, that’s just a number and everyone has a different opinion of what’s physically attractive. I know big people, with big personalities that I love to spend time with, much more than others I know who could be considered physically attractive, but are boring. Their size is less important than who they are.
I think a lot of people would agree, that an attractive person is someone who is confident and happy within themselves.
You could use this revelation from your partner, as a recognition that you feel the same way, that you want to improve your physical health and form a plan to make positive changes. Going out for walks, even during lockdown is allowed and something you could do with a friend outside of the household, or your partner, or alone. Or another form of gentle exercise that would get you moving that you could increase or add to as you dog along? You could bring a phone and chat to someone if you’re alone, or you could record your thoughts as you walk on things to do with your study. All avoiding being sat at a desk. You might find that your feel more positive and build momentum towards even more focus on your physical health. Your change in behaviour could provoke a positive change in your partner’s.
It sounds like you’re incredibly intelligent, as you’re doing so well on a course where you’re responsible for your own motivation. This is simply building on what you’re already good at and improving something that doesn’t come as naturally. And no matter what your weight, you are attractive. All good people are. So set that aside and focus on what will make you happier. It’ll have a knock on effect. Good luck! X

OP make a pros and cons list about him and leave it lying around where he will see it. I think you might be surprised at the outcome yourself and if it gave him a sharp wake up call so much the better. You could do so much better.

Go along, not dog along!

Respect yourself. You may be a bit overweight at the moment but it's likely temporary while you have so much on and I don't think he's doing much to contribute to the house.

Respect yourself and dont accept it.

[quote Eckhart]@TatianaBis

The idea that someone would be less worthy of respect because they were ill or their lifestyle wasn’t to your taste is warped, screwed up and objectionable

There is a difference between the general level of respect due to all humankind, and the high level of respect that needs to be held between spouses. People should have a general view that their spouse is a great person, and hold them in very high esteem. That level of heightened respect cannot be held for everybody, by everybody, because we are all different.

What you said above is disrespectful, so it's all a bit rich coming from you anyway.[/quote]
It’s not disrespectful to say that it’s truly objectionable to hold that people who are ill or have a lifestyle you don’t fancy are less worthy of respect than other people.

Lifestyle is inextricably linked to socio-economic background, education and iq.

In this case DH isn’t giving the OP even the general level of respect due to mankind in general let alone that due to a spouse.

It’s not disrespectful to say that it’s truly objectionable to hold that people who are ill or have a lifestyle you don’t fancy are less worthy of respect than other people

Nobody on this thread has said that. Try reading it again. And saying someone's opinion is 'objectionable' is very different from saying it's 'screwed up' and 'warped', as you well know, which is why you quoted yourself as saying 'objectionable' but didn't repeat the other two terms.

YANBU. If I had concerns about my husband’s weight I would talk to him about it gently, I wouldn’t start being mean to him and then tell him that’s the treatment you get when you lose my respect! That’s not on.

In your case, OP, you’ve been through a hell of a lot medically and understandably that’s hard to bounce back from. It is sad to read that instead of supporting you during your recovery your DH almost became frustrated by it.

If it was me I’d have a conversation with him about all the things you’ve said on this thread and the unfairness of his attitude. After his behaviour I’m sure your respect for him has nosedived and perhaps he should be made aware that you’re not going to just take what he dishes out.

Oh football I hate to have to say this, but your husband really is a shallow, unsupportive knob-head. What a thing to say to his wife, who almost died bringing his DC into the world and had life changing surgery as a result. Utter arsehole. Never mind him losing respect for you - how can you possibly have any left for him, now he's verbalised his attitude/opinion?

You sound fabulous - his attitude of tolerating you and never admiring/celebrating you has probably worked a number on your self esteem. I speak from experience because my ex-husband had exactly the same attitude towards me for a couple of years and I couldn't work out why........then I caught him out - he had 2 mistresses on the go at the same time, which was a surprise because he'd aged into a very boring, grey man, so it was the most interesting thing he'd done in at least a decade!
My point here is that he withdrew from our marriage and started treating me with contempt and disrespect and made me feel rotten when actually it was nothing to do with me - it was all about him and his sad little insecurities.
I am so much happier and confident without him - I realised I had sort of squashed myself down in a subconscious attempt to meet his approval, so without him dragging me down the real 'me' was able to flourish.
Please don't be like me, don't let this drag on for a couple of years. You are worth more and you deserve so much more. I'm not saying LTB but something has to change - my experience is that contempt is a death knell in a relationship. I wish I could give you a huge hug.

@Eckhart

It’s not disrespectful to say that it’s truly objectionable to hold that people who are ill or have a lifestyle you don’t fancy are less worthy of respect than other people

Nobody on this thread has said that. Try reading it again. And saying someone's opinion is 'objectionable' is very different from saying it's 'screwed up' and 'warped', as you well know, which is why you quoted yourself as saying 'objectionable' but didn't repeat the other two terms.

I’ve read it thanks.

I quoted ‘objectionable‘ simply for brevity. I do think some of the views on this thread and that post in particular are ‘warped’ and ‘screwed up’.

Defence of the holding of people in higher esteem on the basis of healthy lifestyle or physical health or smartness of dress is bizarre.

The poster who attributed some of the views on this thread to eating-disordered thinking may be right, but it could equally be poor values.

You judge everybody as equal yourself, do you, @TatianaBis?

I think everyone is deserving of respect irrespective of weight, colour, dress sense, background, class, income, size of nose etc.

That’s a given surely.

Do I like everyone, hell no. But that’s my issue not theirs.

What about opinions? Do people of all opinions deserve equal respect?

What are “people of all opinions”?

Opinions are not all deserving of equal respect, no.

I take issue with some of the opinions on the internet not the posters themselves.

Opinions are not all deserving of equal respect, no

But why not? Why are they different from any other aspect of humanity, like dress sense or body size?

Because some are offensive and inhuman.

Some are illegal in on some places like the opinion that the holocaust never happened.