Too fat for my husband to respect me

[FootballFacedOrang]

Last night, somehow, the subject of my weight came up.

I told my husband I feel like he doesn't have any respect for me any more. It's hard to pinpoint. His general tone, lack of interest in anything I'm doing, undermining me in front of our 5yr old son. He just acts, quietly, like I'm something to be tolerated. Never celebrated, admired, or god forbid fancy.

I thought maybe I was being paranoid. No. Turns out my husband "can't have any respect for me when I don't have any respect for myself". By this he means that I am too fat (13 stone at 5 foot 6), don't get enough exercise and eat too much.

While he's right that I've not looked after myself as well as I should have done over the last five years, the fact that his respect for me is so conditional is hurtful.

I am studying at the moment. I got 87% for a piece of work this week. I'm dealing with lock down, which for me means seeing no one but my husband and 5 year old, not seeing my own family or friends for nearly a year, single handedly doing homeschooling + study ealier in the year. Now doing the vast majority of parenting, housework and cooking + my studies because I'm not out at work (my studies bring in as much more money as DHs pretty low paid job).

I should add that I had loads of massive surgery and a emergency hysterectomy when DS was born, so I was post baby, surgery, hysterectomy and menopause at 32. It's taken its toll.

I dunno. I agree that I should be healthier, but life isn't ideal and I am what I am. I don't think k that's a reason to respect me less. AIBU?

You need to love his bones a little (quite a bit) less. He’s not good to you, he’s not loving and affectionate towards you, and he doesn’t respect you as a person because you’ve put on some weight. He has no understanding nor appreciation of the challenges your body has faced, and no compassion for you. He’s not great, to be honest.

@PegasusReturns

No one is ill regularly but just at Christmas and holidays

I always thought this was commonplace. I only ever get sick on holiday and Christmas, my dad is the same. I have a fairly stressful job and I assumed the adrenaline kept me going. The minute I take my foot off the pedal then sore throat, ear ache and a cold come my way.

Yes, I was the same when I was a single parent of two young children and studying - every Easter holiday in particular I used to just collapse as if my body had stopped and couldn’t get back up again. Severe colds, tonsillitis & earache, like clockwork.

Yes, having read further on in the thread, my instincts have been proven right. He’s not a kind man, he doesn’t value you, he doesn’t cherish and love you the way he ought to.

Please don’t let this be your life, and your child’s model of what a relationship should be like.

@oakleaffy

Losing weight isn't so easy, but it is a good idea for health {I am a stone overweight...BMI 24}

You might be a stone heavier than you think you would look best at, but your BMI is in the healthy range, ergo you are not overweight.

You may be carrying too much visceral fat, and your metabolic health would benefit from reducing it - but no-one can tell that from your BMI alone, you would need a scan to find out.

I suggest that any physical health benefit from you losing weight would be minimal, if any. You could run faster, which would matter if you’re an athlete.

Otherwise - it’s about appearance and is entirely personal preference, not health.

* No one is ill regularly but just at Christmas and holidays*

‘I always thought this was commonplace. I only ever get sick on holiday and Christmas, my dad is the same. I have a fairly stressful job and I assumed the adrenaline kept me going. The minute I take my foot off the pedal then sore throat, ear ache and a cold come my way.’**

That’s always been true of me, too. But most of us keep going when we have DC, unless it’s serious, like flu or, this year, Covid (if serious). The question is, does the OP’s DH keep going or does he suffer from ‘man flu’ and allow his DW to fuss over him as well as his DC.

In view of how the OP has described him, how he leaves all the childcare responsibilities to her, I strongly suspect the latter.

He sounds a knob in general, and his treatment of his DW, who sounds amazing, is disgraceful. It’s one thing not to be so attracted to your partner when they’re overweight, and I’m sure that’s the case for my DH now I’ve put on weight. But he never mentions it, that’s the difference, because obviously I know I’m overweight and don’t need him to stick the boot in about it.

Why does being overweight mean you don’t have any self respect ? It doesn’t. We are overweight for a million reasons - lack of self respect is not always one of them. It’s just an underhand way to make weight gain into a moral failing so he doesn’t have to feel bad for resenting it.

Caitlin Moran (who I don’t rate all that much) wrote a good piece about why being overweight was the burden of the carer. Responsible thoughtful people who have a lot going on in their lives and can’t afford to drink to excess or take drugs to deal with the stresses of life turn to food. It doesn’t impact on their ability to care or keep going for the kids/elderly parents. Obviously in the long run it has its dangers but it’s an outlet for many of us. That resonated for me.

OP you have been through a huge amount. He should be at your feet thanking you for risking your life to bring a child into the world, knocking it out of the park with your studies and coping on behalf of the whole family with all the stresses of lockdown.

This would make me lose respect for him.

Throughout life, things happen and our bodies change.

If you were refusing to wash through laziness & stuffing yourself with 10 cakes a day through gluttony, maybe.

But putting on a bit of weight due to life is normal. At that height and weight you won't even be that big.

A few years ago I got an underactive thyroid and put on 4 stone pretty quickly, went from a 12 to 18 and I couldn't shift that weight. I was depressed and ill and not exactly motivated. My fella loved me exactly how I was and supported me and understood.

You say you will love him no matter what he looks like. That is what you deserve from him too.

The idea that respect is dependent on weight is no different contending that it’s dependent on any other physical characteristic - skin colour, physical strength, genitalia size etc.

He wouldn’t be able to defend that position if challenged and I doubt he really believes as a general rule - it’s just a stick to beat you with.

Can you honestly put your hand on your heart and say he respected you when you slimmer? I don’t think he’s ever respected you or treated you well, and now he is justifying his position.

There are many women in the world who have put on weight comfort-eating because they’re married to an arsehole.

I wonder if you’re one of those women who needs to “love the bones of” - someone, anyone. - He’s there so you adore him. He doesn’t deserve it. He treats you poorly. But nothing can deflect from your determination to adore no matter how unpleasant he is.

I suggest you read the book “Women who love too much” by Robin Norwood.

13 stone (82kg) is clinically obese
'I dunno. I agree that I should be healthier, but life isn't ideal and I am what I am'
Sounds like a resignation to being unhealthy and living an unhealthy lifestyle.

Maybe his attitude would change if you changed your attitude towards your health ?

I could not bear being married to someone so lacking in everything I would find admirable. How do YOU respect someone so charmless and shallow OP? When he has carried a child, birthed it, lost his reproductive organs, and got up and carried on THEN he can discuss his disappointment in your amazing body. Ask him how he’d look and how he’d feel if he’d been castrated a few years ago and you came out with this shit.

Revolting behaviour on his part. Explain calmly to him. He doesn’t sound like he thinks about much.

“The idea that respect is dependent on weight is no different contending that it’s dependent on any other physical characteristic - skin colour, physical strength, genitalia size etc.”

Not quite. Weight is a fairly reliable indicator of lifestyle and overall physical health. Depending on a person’s perspective, those things can be of more or less import to them...and that’s ok. Other people hold those who dress smartly in higher esteem than scruffy dressers for example...but don’t care if someone is overweight.

What shouldn’t be dependent on weight is good manners...those are universal.

@4pence

13 stone (82kg) is clinically obese 'I dunno. I agree that I should be healthier, but life isn't ideal and I am what I am' Sounds like a resignation to being unhealthy and living an unhealthy lifestyle.

Maybe his attitude would change if you changed your attitude towards your health ?

Read the thread

The am what I am attitude massively increases your chances of dying younger than you should. You owe it to yourself and your child to lose the weight.

@4pence

13 stone (82kg) is clinically obese 'I dunno. I agree that I should be healthier, but life isn't ideal and I am what I am' Sounds like a resignation to being unhealthy and living an unhealthy lifestyle.

Maybe his attitude would change if you changed your attitude towards your health ?

Maybe you should get together with the Op's husband? With your similar levels of empathy and human kindness, you'd be a match made in heaven

I stand corrected! My family & friends must just be very lucky not to get ill at Christmas and holidays. Fair enough - but does that mean he can’t do anything to help?

I'm sorry but I see his point. My DH goes through phases of eating a crap diet. He doesnt gain weight because that's his built, but yes, I respect him less when he's not touched fruit or veg in 3 weeks and he knows it. He is an adult, and I respect adults who make good decisions about their health. Why would he be excluded from that? Why would I set my expectations lower for someone I love?

Just awful op. Pp's who are blaming you for his terrible comments are not helping you.

Personally I think you can shed the unnecessary weight by splitting with him but it's just my view.

Xxx

@Duemarch2021

Omg this is so bad.. not that this really should matter but ...you are not even fat at 13 stone 5 ft 6... my guess is that hes jealous of your success and feels lesser than you....so feels the need to put you down by mentioning your weight gain... could be wrong though, he genuinely might have gone off you but that's not genuine love... you should love and admire your partner no matter what their weight... if hes genuinly concerned about your weight he should have mentioned it in a caring way like suggesting walks or a healthy diet together

This is only just below the obese range, so is overweight .

However DH should still respect and support you whatever your weight

@Ohalrightthen

It won't be a popular opinion, but i do see his point. Respect IS conditional, that's the whole point, it's earned. I have personally completely lost respect for people i care about who have evidently no reapect for their own health, particularly when those people are parents.

HOWEVER it sounds lkle there are extenuating circumstances for you, and he should be approaching this issue from a place of concern and support, with changes to his own behaviour, not judgement.

Totally agree with this.

He should be trying to support you and encourage you to live a healthier life, not being snide towards you.

@DeadButDelicious your post is so right - our bodies WILL change and so much of it is out of our control (like ageing or difficult deliveries). How sad for respect to be conditional on our (transitory) bodies.

Also - he says you are “selfish” for not taking better care of your body. That is some twisted thinking right there. Your body belongs to YOU, it’s not a collective thing that you have been neglecting but your very own physical self. You put your body on the line to build your family - this is absolutely a selfless act.

All in all, sounds like he is a bit hard of thinking as well as unkind and thoughtless. I think you could so much better then him OP.

Allthequalitystreet

This is such a horrible attitude. Your DH is responsible for his own health. You’re not his boss. Stop being so judgemental.

I wonder how much of his attitude can be attributed to him being a health conscious person who values the same trait in others and how much is really about aesthetic value as a status symbol.

I could see my way around harsh words from someone actively health conscious who was frustrated by me but I couldn’t get past them being ashamed of how I look.

I sometimes think people who are naturally slim with little effort have no idea how hard others need to work to stay in shape. I’m slim but I didn’t used to be. I have lost a significant amount of weight. I have to work at staying the way I am...and I do. It’s not for me to assume someone should do as I do because it’s tough.

Having said that, I’ll hold my hands up as a hypocrite and admit that were my slim husband begin to put on notable amounts of weight I’d likely want to intervene and I might even get mad. We count on one another to be our companion in active pursuits and we need to be fit to participate. One of my deal breakers is being a couch potato.

@pictish

“The idea that respect is dependent on weight is no different contending that it’s dependent on any other physical characteristic - skin colour, physical strength, genitalia size etc.”

Not quite. Weight is a fairly reliable indicator of lifestyle and overall physical health. Depending on a person’s perspective, those things can be of more or less import to them...and that’s ok. Other people hold those who dress smartly in higher esteem than scruffy dressers for example...but don’t care if someone is overweight.

What shouldn’t be dependent on weight is good manners...those are universal.

Seriously?

Respect is due to every human being on the planet regardless of shape or size, regardless of their health or lifestyle.

The idea that someone would be less worthy of respect because they were ill or their lifestyle wasn’t to your taste is warped, screwed up and objectionable.

You’re very rude...but if you say so.

Having read that I have a massive amount of respect for you. @FootballFacedOrang, you are AMAZING!!

Your husband, he's a bit of a twat. Does he look the same as he did 5 years ago? If he does I bet its because he takes time to exercise while you do everything else.