Do I tell my mum how I’m feeling about inheritance situation?

[MarcelineMissouri]

Earlier this year my mum sat me down and explained she’d decided to leave her house to my brother instead of to both of us. That will basically be the bulk of the inheritance. There will not really be anything else. Due to location it’s a relatively expensive house though. Her reason for this is that my brother has no money and dh and I are comfortable financially.

My brother lives abroad and works for the church. The church support him - he makes no money. My mother is a committed Christian and is extremely supportive of this. He is very bright and talented with a Russell Group degree - in other words this lifestyle is completely his choice and not for lack of other opportunities.

Dh and I are comfortable but not rich. In addition his job has become quite precarious because of the pandemic. It will probably remain precarious for sometime so who knows what the future holds. The industry he has worked his whole life in is being decimated so if he did lose his job it’s unlikely he’d manage to get anything similar. I work but on a low salary after a lot of years out as a sahm.

Ultimately I accept that it is my mother’s decision to do as she sees fit. I also realise there may be nothing left anyway as her house could end up being sold to cover care home fees. And I hope it goes without saying that I would rather hang on to my mum for as long as possible and be left with nothing (and I did say that to her at the time)

The thing is it’s playing on my mind and has been for months, for 2 reasons. Firstly the pandemic and our resulting financial situation which takes away from her point that it’s ok to do this because dh and I are comfortable, and secondly, because I’ve always felt she preferred my brother anyway. He’s been a Christian since we were young. I am not. I was a troubled teen who was a pain in the bum, and I obviously live a non Christian life now which she does not like. I know she loves me and we get on fine but deep down this feels like yet another sign that she views my brother differently to me. I feel I need to say something because I’m feeling quite bitter about it but I don’t know if that would be the right thing to do. It isn’t specifically about the money because I wouldn’t care if neither of us got anything, but to leave everything to my brother because of choices he made when he too could have a decent job and comfortable life just feels unfair.

Should I tell her how I feel or just leave it? It feels like a very awkward conversation to have. I genuinely believe I’m not entitled to anything, but also feel that if there is anything it should be split between me and my brother.

You may have said this but what do you think the house she is leaving is worth? (Assuming not much goes in care fees). Would your brother be likely to share some of it with you or is he going to plough it into good works?

I think you need to either talk to your DM or write her a carefully worded letter. All you can do is express your feelings and concerns to her. She may have a very simplistic view of all this and does not appreciate the full picture and future possibilities.

Yanbu. Fortunes can change. I've seen this with my siblings due to unexpected death, divorce, meeting someone and becoming more comfortable etc. Things can look very different from one decade to the next

@Weenurse

Explain that it is hurtful and may drive a wedge between you and your brother. I was left everything by an uncle but shared with my siblings. Would your brother share with you?

@Weenurse

You are a rare and wonderful person.

Not many would do this .

You're not entitled to anything. You're approaching this as if you are

At the very least she is entitled to feel that she is just as loved as her sibling and what OPs Mother plans to do is sending out the opposite message.

I think the Christian thing is a red herring. As a PP said, take out the religious aspect and put in environmentalist and would you feel the same? Or would you feel that he has forgone material things to help the planet and deserves the bigger portion? He has done the same to help people in his view.

If you can still say, no it is his choices so we should get equal, then definitely talk to DM. Though as a rather big drip feed, your dad still being around does rather change things! So it isnt actually up to her at all, it is up to them. So why is she talking to you like it is just her decision

@unlikelytobe maybe 350-400k depending on what happens with house prices. I have no idea what my brother would do with other than that he’s unlikely to live in it longterm. I assume he would sell and buy somewhere else.

oh sorry cross posted - are DM and DF not together (am slow at typing )

@BloggersBlog as I’ve already said my parents got divorced many years ago!

And yes I would feel the same no matter what the lifestyle choice was based on I think.

She thinks you're comfortable, whereas your brother has nobly sacrificed his earning potential in order to 'do the right thing' with his life. She's trying to even things up. To give him and especially his children, the comfort and security that they've missed out on. Also perhaps a reward for doing the right thing.

Sorry....had missed a page and not seen the children bit.
Again, this is hard as it is almost impossible to ensure kids get an equal inheritance. My children have never even had a birthday or christmas gift from one set of grandparents and will inherit nothing from them. Yet, their cousins could literally get hundreds of thousands of pounds. This is why it is important to teach your children that money is not the be all and end all. My DH's family are all very complex with all sorts of feuds going on and even the siblings who will inherit are already squabbling about what they will do with the estate(neither parent dead yet!) We are happy to be well out of it. If DH gets house I assume his kids will inherit a similar amount to yours if they get your house. If you get half of mums house plus own your own, your kids may end up far more wealthy than their cousins. It is impossible to really work it out and I assume that if between now and your mother dying, your home/financial situation changed significantly, she could still change her will to reflect that.

[quote MarcelineMissouri]@RainingBatsAndFrogs yes I am executor of her will. Ironic eh [/quote]
You can at least refuse that.

Why should you execute a will from which you derive no benefit?

It sounds like what you really want to know is if she loves / likes / is more proud of him than you.
i would approach it from that direction rather than you realise i could get divorced / dh could lose his job and then we'd be poor.

House should be split equally between both children. Your mum is BU. Your brother has presumably chosen to do something he enjoys and is passionate about. That's his choice. Furthermore, circumstances can change. You say you don't earn an awful lot. You could end up on your own and working very hard to maintain a decent standard of living. You would feel very bitter if your brother was essentially given your share of the house. You could also contest this in court.

It really doesnt matter what your brother is doing or why. Your mum has chosen to leave her home to your brother and has cut you off. You can all ramble on about christianity. Not very christian of her to ensure both her DC benefit in her death. You could end up divorced with very little. It is an excuse and stop saying she is lovely. My mother doesnt have much but her will is split between all 4 of us equally including her home. I would be having a conversation with her to explain your upset.

I would tell your mum plainly that you don’t think her decision is fair.

I wouldn’t even elaborate on it more than that- she told you to get your opinion, so tell her. She’s labouring under the misapprehension that you’re cool with it.

@EmeraldShamrock

Oh fuck don’t threaten to take your brother to court! It’s also highly unlikely you’d have any claim at all, unless you’re financially dependant on her now I wouldn't just threaten I would take him to court and it is highly likely OP could contest the will if her mam was brainwashed with religion.

Utter nonsense. Having a faith or indeed any other conviction (eg political) is in no way indicative of lack of capacity or forced decision making. It is not AT ALL likely that a legal challenge would succeed on that basis.

Honestly I do wish people would not let their prejudices stand in for actual legal knowledge.

I would tell her also how you feel and how it might impact on your relationship. Your respective finances are a snapshot of how things are now. They may not stay the same.

I had a friend whose parents left their entire estate to her sister because her sister had childrne and she did not. The feeling (and it was written down in a letter of wishes) was they wanted money to go down the line. My friend was renting and struggling and her sister was amrried with a house a rental business. Their snapshot was her sister was much better off.

It embittered my friend - irrevocably. It destroyed her relationship with ehr sister (who was not giving up a penny of it) and it made her feel unwanted and unloved and like her life mattered less. It was deeply damaging.

Just to be clear there is no way I’d be taking anyone to court over this!! If it ends up being the case then so be it, it is of course ultimately her decision.

Also, there’s no way I wouldn’t provide some level of care and support for my mum when she needs it even if I wasn’t getting anything left to me.

Absolutely. There is no indication at all that the mum lacks capacity to make her own will, or that there’s been undue influence, or that the OP is in any way financially dependant on the mum. There is no case here. There’s also no indication that OP would want to destroy her relationship with her brother by taking him to court!

Cross post but glad to see your update OP!

"She’s labouring under the misapprehension that you’re cool with it."

That is a good point. It sounds like OP has a very honest relationship with her mother generally. If there is a way to preserve the good relationship but allow OP to be more honest about her feelings, that would be good to be more honest.

Maybe she likes the idea of his having the house to live in but if it is in an expensive area then he may well have to sell it to raise the inheritance tax on the estate when she dies.

I know it's hard but I would tell her how you feel.

@Alethiometrical

OP's decision to have kids and years out of the workforce was her choice too!

But the OP's mother isn't then dividing things fairly ... @NovemberRain2Your argument is illogical

It's not illogical. OP argued that her brother made a choice regarding his earning potential.

OP also made a choice regarding her earning potential.

So suggesting the mother is.wrong because the brother made a certain lifestyle choice is hypocritical.

Ultimately, OP is more financially secure than her brother.

Her brother has also dedicated his life to serving the faith that their mother strongly believes in.

Christianity doesn't mean treating everyone the same. It means treating people fairly and rewarding those who serve God. You might not agree, but the mother isn't a bad Christian for wanting to ensure her son has some financial security.

She brought it up, so now is the time to discuss your concerns. It's massively unfair to favour one child when they are perfectly capable of supporting themselves, and considering that you'll be the one helping her in her old age, should she need help, it's doubly hurtful that she thinks it's okay to leave you nothing, when your brother could inherit a valuable house! That's not lovely. She at least needs to be disabused of the notion that you're already set and won't ever want for anything.

I'm going to share an unpopular opinion. I think we are too obsessed with inheritance in this country. I think the entitlement we show to someone's possessions to the point of going on about dictating how they should leave equal amounts to everyone - for you to feel it is fair is just plain wrong. Why so your feelings supersede theirs, when it's their estate to share as they wish

A person's wishes should always be respected even more so when they are deceased. Why does it have to be "fair" especially with adult children? Surely if a person wants to leave an unequal division of assets then that is their prerogative and they shouldn't have to explain. Also I really hate the threat that "oh well they should get their 'favourite' to care for them then", surely you help someone you love because you love them not because you expect some sort of payment?

I don't know why I just can't get on board with the everyone else on this. And I'm not bothered how my parents split their assets either - even though it would be a life changing amount - nice to have yes but not something I have looked forward to or banked my life on. I have inherited nothing from grandparents while others did and I couldn't have possibly cared less. I'm more concerned with honouring the deceased's wishes. She didn't do it because she loved me any less, but because of she felt the money was needed by others more.

Unless foul play is suspected and someone had undue influence -I really think it's a waste of time and just wrong to quibble over someone's will and their choices.

I just really struggle to see why people feel so entitled that they can dictate a person's final wishes