Do I tell my mum how I’m feeling about inheritance situation?

[MarcelineMissouri]

Earlier this year my mum sat me down and explained she’d decided to leave her house to my brother instead of to both of us. That will basically be the bulk of the inheritance. There will not really be anything else. Due to location it’s a relatively expensive house though. Her reason for this is that my brother has no money and dh and I are comfortable financially.

My brother lives abroad and works for the church. The church support him - he makes no money. My mother is a committed Christian and is extremely supportive of this. He is very bright and talented with a Russell Group degree - in other words this lifestyle is completely his choice and not for lack of other opportunities.

Dh and I are comfortable but not rich. In addition his job has become quite precarious because of the pandemic. It will probably remain precarious for sometime so who knows what the future holds. The industry he has worked his whole life in is being decimated so if he did lose his job it’s unlikely he’d manage to get anything similar. I work but on a low salary after a lot of years out as a sahm.

Ultimately I accept that it is my mother’s decision to do as she sees fit. I also realise there may be nothing left anyway as her house could end up being sold to cover care home fees. And I hope it goes without saying that I would rather hang on to my mum for as long as possible and be left with nothing (and I did say that to her at the time)

The thing is it’s playing on my mind and has been for months, for 2 reasons. Firstly the pandemic and our resulting financial situation which takes away from her point that it’s ok to do this because dh and I are comfortable, and secondly, because I’ve always felt she preferred my brother anyway. He’s been a Christian since we were young. I am not. I was a troubled teen who was a pain in the bum, and I obviously live a non Christian life now which she does not like. I know she loves me and we get on fine but deep down this feels like yet another sign that she views my brother differently to me. I feel I need to say something because I’m feeling quite bitter about it but I don’t know if that would be the right thing to do. It isn’t specifically about the money because I wouldn’t care if neither of us got anything, but to leave everything to my brother because of choices he made when he too could have a decent job and comfortable life just feels unfair.

Should I tell her how I feel or just leave it? It feels like a very awkward conversation to have. I genuinely believe I’m not entitled to anything, but also feel that if there is anything it should be split between me and my brother.

@NovemberRain2

I actually think YABU.

You don't get to dictate how your mother spends her money.

Presumably you have a house and your brother doesn't?

Your brother chose to pursue a cause that your mother believea in firmly. That has meant he has sacrificed a high earning career etc.

You are in a low paid job because you chose to have kids and then not work for a while. You made a choice too, not just your brother.

And your OP imples there is still SOME inheritance for you?

Yeah, it's disappointing but your mum has clearly put a lot of thought into how she wants her money to be spent.

I agree with NovemberRain2. If you husbands job is precarious you have choices too. Your brother sounds like he has devoted his life to help others and made sacrifices to do that? You say your mother has done a lot for you so I doubt it has been done out of spite.

Totally unfair. I have one brother who is asset rich (nice big nearly paid for house in Surrey) but cash poor, we are cash rich but live in a cheap part of the country and another brother with disabilities that has no money but is shite with it when he does.

We are all equal in my parents will with my older brothers share held in trust so he doesn’t squander it but affords a better standard of living.

Who knows what the future holds for any of us.

Your mum should realise this.

OK I haven’t read all the replies OP just yours. I have to say if it was me despite how lovely your brother and Mum are you are being ‘punished’ for not following a Christian life.
I take my faith very seriously but there is no way I would discriminate between my sons for their lack of dedication to Christianity, that’s outrageous.
Now I’m being mercenary here but I would speak to your mum and express the hurt you feel. I would also emphatically make it clear that you will not be around to look after her in old age and that her golden boy can pay for care when it’s needed. You probably would not be so bitter but I have similar experiences with me as the dutiful daughter and my ‘missing in action’ brother being the favorite all our lives. It really gets tiresome, don’t let anyone make you feel bad. After your mum passes on you’ll always hold that resentment deep down and you don’t deserve to live with that.

OP's decision to have kids and years out of the workforce was her choice too!

But the OP's mother isn't then dividing things fairly ... @NovemberRain2Your argument is illogical

I dont believe inheritance always has to be equal although in most situations it's fairest and easiest.

I would sit your Mum down and say youre upset and worried about a few things. If your brother devotes his life to the Church, does that not mean he will also give all his belongings to the Church? Perhaps your Mum wants him to have a safety net and some form of pension, but perhaps he wont want it?

Ask your mum to consider how it would feel to you to see your brother give it all a way when it would have held value to you and your family. After all you are walking the same path as your Mum by having a family and not "marrying" God. So why is your choices worth less than your brothers.

Ask her if its because you are not religious. Remind her that you will have a lifelong relationship with your maker and that your spirituality is not for her judgement.

An excuse to favour the golden boy. I'm pretty sure the church would see him alright if he was penniless.
My DM did this with a much lesser amount.
Her choice blah blah blah but it has changed my feelings about my whole childhood. Sort of - she's not who I thought she was.

Is your father still alive?

I just can't see how she would view this as fair. I have a wealthy brother but would expect any inheritance to be shared equally. It should not be on need as siblings should be treated equally.

@MarcelineMissouri
"Should I tell her how I feel or just leave it? It feels like a very awkward conversation to have."

Going back to your OP for a minute:

Definitely have the conversation with her now whilst she is still here. That way, you can both share your thoughts and everyone is clear on how the other one feels/ thinks about the situation.

She has after all initiated this, by speaking about it first, so perhaps she is indirectly soliciting your thoughts on how you would feel about this when she is gone.

What she then does, is still entirely up to her, but it will then be off your chest, and down to what she wants to do having being made aware of the impact.

YANBU. I have two children, they will have an equal share. Personally I think it is wrong to favour one child more than another, regardless of their personal circumstances. It’s wrong, you must feel very hurt.

I would resign as executor for a start, she is basically asking you to hand over her house to your brother. Maybe you could use that conversation as an opportunity to bring up your upset. Picts is correct, you and your children have been disinherited. Tell her how rejected you feel and how you thought you had a good relationship but now you are not so sure. Its not very Christian of her at all and probably not 'what Jesus would do'.

OP,
This seems very unfair but I would suggest you take a solicitor's advice before you say anything.

This is an odd one. Personally if that was in my family I'd be fine with it as I would want my brother looked after when he is no longer able to work and I'd want him to be able to have a home. I'm comfortable enough abs while the money would be nice. It wouldn't change anything massively in my life. I tend to be alone In this opinion but I'd be fine with a struggling sibling getting more than me even kid it was down their own choices. We're a very close family and I can say with absolute certainty will never fall out about money.

The issue is what you revealed in your first paragraph, OP. You say your Mum sat you down and told you all this and had based her decision on the fact that you and your husband are comfortable financially.

At that point why didn't you speak up and tell her the reality? If she is labouring under this misapprehension I can understand her decision.

Tell her, and give her the chance to reconsider based upon your true circumstances.

If my DM behaved this unfairly towards me I would hope she had everything planned out for the time when she gets older and will need more help and care. ‘Cos I sure as hell wouldn’t be personally doing it for her.
Flame me if you like, I really don’t care. I hate unfairness. I would rather she left her house to a charity than cause such a divide between her own DC. That’s not loving or kind.

Just to add to my post above the reason I’ve emphasised the fact that’s he’s chosen this life is because it would obviously be a different situation if he was eg disabled and unable to work or earn much.

You’re looking at this from your own point of view though, I suspect your mother probably sees this as your brother’s “calling” & therefore that he has no choice.

I obviously live a non Christian life now which she does not like.

This stood out to me.

Your brother seems to be content not making money so half the proceeds of the house should be a ample safety net for him so is it possible your mother doesn’t want to leave you anything as she doesn’t approve of your lifestyle & what you’ll do with the money? Is she possibly expecting him to do some “good” with it? For example, live on half & then do charity work or whatever with the other half? Whereas you would spend it on things she doesn’t approve of?

With regards to your financial situation changing, is it possible your mother believes your brother would take care of you if you were to experience financial hardship?

Not saying any of it is right but as a lapsed Catholic, I’ve seen this situation before.

@TellingBone

The issue is what you revealed in your first paragraph, OP. You say your Mum sat you down and told you all this and had based her decision on the fact that you and your husband are comfortable financially.

At that point why didn't you speak up and tell her the reality? If she is labouring under this misapprehension I can understand her decision.

Tell her, and give her the chance to reconsider based upon your true circumstances.

This was earlier in the year before COVID really kicked off so at the time we were still pretty comfortable. And ultimately, in comparison to my brother, we are still comfortable! It would take quite a lot for us not to be better off than he is!

@Tinkity you are absolutely right that both my mums and brother do not view what he is doing as a choice but as a calling that must be obeyed. As a non Christian though I find that pretty hard to get my head around. Someone asked about my dad - he is very much still alive! He is not a Christian either and does not really approve of what my brother is doing but I’m sure will still be splitting any inheritance equally

So I know 100% that my mum loves me very much, whatever people might think from this

Love is deeds not words.

Also, just to add my brother is also married with children.

So him and his children benefit, nothing to you and yours - and clearly nothing to do with the church as he will leave his estate to his kids. That actually makes it worse as it isn't religious madness, it isnt for the house to go to "the church", it's a deliberate choice to benefit one child and one set of grandkids over another.

Your brother is currently comfortable too though

He lives abroad and works for the church and they kept him. They house him and feed him I presume. He has no plans to come back so he actually doesn't need anything and is comfortable living off others

@NovemberRain2

Do you care for your parents with the expectation you will receive money?

My father has passed away and I don’t need any money from my mother. It’s up to her what she does with it. I have 3 other siblings one who has a disability and lives with her so he may stay in the family home. She may need a high level of care at some point but we’ll all sort that out together. We do have honest conversations though and I would discuss this openly because I suspect that this mother will ask her daughter to do all the care just because she’s a woman while giving golden child all the inheritance.

[quote MarcelineMissouri]@Tinkity you are absolutely right that both my mums and brother do not view what he is doing as a choice but as a calling that must be obeyed. As a non Christian though I find that pretty hard to get my head around. Someone asked about my dad - he is very much still alive! He is not a Christian either and does not really approve of what my brother is doing but I’m sure will still be splitting any inheritance equally [/quote]
This is horrible to talk about, but if your mum goes first, won't it be up to your dad anyway?

She's essentially giving the money to the church.

Would your dad alter his will to make it fair?

@Nanny0gg my parents have been divorced for years x

This is a tough one. I am in a polar opposite situation in that my inlaws have written us out of their will because they are anti-christian and think we will hand over their money to the church. They told DH that if he married me they would consider him dead to them and disinherit him. We have accepted that as their decision and still do what we can to try and support their needs where we can.
If you see this from your mums point of view, your brother has sacrificed everything to 'serve' others for no financial gain. It is quite a sacrifice as you cannot really justify any luxuries when it is other peoples money you are living on. I guess your mother is thinking that when he is too old to work any more, he will have no home or savings and she is wanting those needs to be met. There may be a fairer way of achieving this that she has not considered and that may be worth discussing with her. For example, if half the value of her house would buy a house big enough for him where he lives, she may not have looked at it like this.
I think parents have an incredibly difficult job to get this right. Do we really think that if one of our kids was a multi millionaire and the other struggling to pay their way through life that you would write a 50/50 will? I think I would have a chat with the wealthy child and explain what I was planning and whether they had any objections and try and resolve it that way. As others have said, we have no entitlement to our parents money(although interestingly, there are countries where this is not the case and you cannot disinherit your children even if you want to!)
Can I ask if either of you have children?

@MadeForThis no I wouldn’t ask him too either - they have no connection whatsoever!