Do I tell my mum how I’m feeling about inheritance situation?

[MarcelineMissouri]

Earlier this year my mum sat me down and explained she’d decided to leave her house to my brother instead of to both of us. That will basically be the bulk of the inheritance. There will not really be anything else. Due to location it’s a relatively expensive house though. Her reason for this is that my brother has no money and dh and I are comfortable financially.

My brother lives abroad and works for the church. The church support him - he makes no money. My mother is a committed Christian and is extremely supportive of this. He is very bright and talented with a Russell Group degree - in other words this lifestyle is completely his choice and not for lack of other opportunities.

Dh and I are comfortable but not rich. In addition his job has become quite precarious because of the pandemic. It will probably remain precarious for sometime so who knows what the future holds. The industry he has worked his whole life in is being decimated so if he did lose his job it’s unlikely he’d manage to get anything similar. I work but on a low salary after a lot of years out as a sahm.

Ultimately I accept that it is my mother’s decision to do as she sees fit. I also realise there may be nothing left anyway as her house could end up being sold to cover care home fees. And I hope it goes without saying that I would rather hang on to my mum for as long as possible and be left with nothing (and I did say that to her at the time)

The thing is it’s playing on my mind and has been for months, for 2 reasons. Firstly the pandemic and our resulting financial situation which takes away from her point that it’s ok to do this because dh and I are comfortable, and secondly, because I’ve always felt she preferred my brother anyway. He’s been a Christian since we were young. I am not. I was a troubled teen who was a pain in the bum, and I obviously live a non Christian life now which she does not like. I know she loves me and we get on fine but deep down this feels like yet another sign that she views my brother differently to me. I feel I need to say something because I’m feeling quite bitter about it but I don’t know if that would be the right thing to do. It isn’t specifically about the money because I wouldn’t care if neither of us got anything, but to leave everything to my brother because of choices he made when he too could have a decent job and comfortable life just feels unfair.

Should I tell her how I feel or just leave it? It feels like a very awkward conversation to have. I genuinely believe I’m not entitled to anything, but also feel that if there is anything it should be split between me and my brother.

@cherish123

House should be split equally between both children. Your mum is BU. Your brother has presumably chosen to do something he enjoys and is passionate about. That's his choice. Furthermore, circumstances can change. You say you don't earn an awful lot. You could end up on your own and working very hard to maintain a decent standard of living. You would feel very bitter if your brother was essentially given your share of the house. You could also contest this in court.

Why should it be split equally? Isn't it the mother's choice to divide her estate as she wants? It's not like the son has been a feckless vagrant.

Also, there’s no way I wouldn’t provide some level of care and support for my mum when she needs it even if I wasn’t getting anything left to me

I provided care without expectation of return (but very much hoping for some). Providing care costs money. It cost me time away from work, career advances, buying things when parental funds were not readily available, and so on.

Just a heads-up OP. Personally, unless this is a test, I'd be backing away smiling and explaining that her care is the job of DB - so it's either his 'good works' or her care.

@Veniemmanuel

I'm going to share an unpopular opinion. I think we are too obsessed with inheritance in this country. I think the entitlement we show to someone's possessions to the point of going on about dictating how they should leave equal amounts to everyone - for you to feel it is fair is just plain wrong. Why so your feelings supersede theirs, when it's their estate to share as they wish

A person's wishes should always be respected even more so when they are deceased. Why does it have to be "fair" especially with adult children? Surely if a person wants to leave an unequal division of assets then that is their prerogative and they shouldn't have to explain. Also I really hate the threat that "oh well they should get their 'favourite' to care for them then", surely you help someone you love because you love them not because you expect some sort of payment?

I don't know why I just can't get on board with the everyone else on this. And I'm not bothered how my parents split their assets either - even though it would be a life changing amount - nice to have yes but not something I have looked forward to or banked my life on. I have inherited nothing from grandparents while others did and I couldn't have possibly cared less. I'm more concerned with honouring the deceased's wishes. She didn't do it because she loved me any less, but because of she felt the money was needed by others more.

Unless foul play is suspected and someone had undue influence -I really think it's a waste of time and just wrong to quibble over someone's will and their choices.

I just really struggle to see why people feel so entitled that they can dictate a person's final wishes

Agree

Yes. I would sit down with your mum and let her know
Talk to her about how it makes you feel, acknowledge that you know it is her decision and you didn't expect to feel this way. Use the words disinherited for both yourself and your children.
You thought you were OK with what she said but the longer you have had to think about it the more it feels as though she is rewarding your brother for his lifestyle and punishing you for yours.
If you do decide to talk to her about it practice in your head. Make a few notes so you talk about the things you need to and don't miss out something that is important to you

Sorry also meant to say that you can make it clear that it's not about the value but about the inequality and you don't feel as valued as him.

It’s sad that some don’t see the unjust in this.Its not about the money being hers.Its about the feeling of unworthiness.
Please think very carefully if this is something you might do to your own children. The. hurt and pain that’s left after your death is not worth it.
In my case I have a daughter with life long needs.
My two other children are aware that I have left 60 percent to her and 40 percent to both of them.
This is because I have made it clear that they will not have the responsibility of caring for her in the future.

She should give it to both of you.

It might be interesting to have a discussion with her about 'goodness' from a moral and religious perspective. If goodness if primarily demonstrated through actions, rather than through words or beliefs, then is active caring, for children and for parents, not one of the most 'good' and (secularly) holy things you could possibly do?

It seems to me that you are very firmly set on 'doing the right thing', the good thing, as a mother and a daughter. Does it really matter that you haven't framed that service in religious terms (yet)? You are a fundamentally good person (in your mother's and many people's terms).

Perhaps one day you'll find meaning (in her sense) through your actions. Perhaps not.

There must be a lot of biblical examples of good women who did the right and holy thing by serving their families etc.

I just wonder whether there is an interesting conversation to be had, that might cause her to change her perspective on you and your life choices and to see what you have done as caring and good, rather than as materialistic or disappointing.

I’m sorry this isn’t going to help much but as a mum of two boys I read your post & then tried to imagine giving all my inheritance over to just one of them. I couldn’t do that. I don’t really understand where people who do this are coming from in all honesty. It seems such a strange way of thinking and behaving. Not to mention it’s grossly unfair.

I also don’t understand how some parents can act so blatantly upon their preferences if they have a favourite child. It’s the job of a parent to be fair, transparent & kind in equal measure to all their children surely, even if they do happen to have a favourite......in what world is it ok to make this apparent by literally giving everything over to one and the other gets nothing?! Just odd. And very shortsighted, as of course it’s going to make the one without feel rejected, bitter & angry.

I would tell her what you feel & also, that it’s bad parenting, but then I’m not backwards in coming forwards, but I’d be sad, angry & deeply hurt, not necessarily in that order.

People who think it’s not unfair

Do you also think it’s okay to ask OP to be executor?

To me, it’s like saying, “here’s a bunch of stressful legal admin, oh btw, only your brother gets the benefit”.

If he benefits then surely he should do the work?

I would tell your mum that you love her but are very hurt by this.

YANBU I’d be upset about it too.

I do think your mother is only seeing what she wants to see. Religion is clouding her judgement.

Your brother has made a choice to do good works with little recompense knowing he will make up for it because he is going to get a house out of it.
Would he have made that choice if he knew he was going to get nothing.
I think he already knew he was the golden child and it didn’t matter what he did, his mother would be there to look after him.
What happens if and him and his wife come back to the uk and land much better jobs than you and your dh.
Because of this pandemic you and your dh are in a much more precarious position than your db and his wife who I am presuming have a roof over their heads atm through his work where you could lose yours.

If your mother was a true Christian then shouldn’t she do the fair thing and divide her assets. Instead of rewarding the Golden Boy under fake concern for his future

Parents like this annoy me. I think France has the right idea.

I would sit her down with a cuppa ,and gently ask about her reasons for this.Maybe she is genuinely concerned for him ,and wants to make sure he is comfortable .She probably sees you as a comfortable young Mum, with a husband to "support her" as so many older people seem to think.Surely though your DB would have some sort of provision from the Church re Housing costs? A Vicar we knew ,said upon retirement there were houses by the sea for Vicars to go to owned by the Diocese .I do not think she disapproves of you .You were a rebellious teenager so what! Who hasnt been to some extent.

YANBU. If anything, it should be the other way round if your brother has no plans to return to the UK anyway. If it's an expensive house, half each would potentially change both of your lives forever. There's no need for it to be left solely to him - and besides, how would he deal with that from abroad? Would you be expected to sort everything out and then walk away with nothing?

It's a horrible thing to talk about, I know, but if my mum said this, I think I would certainly want to say something to her, because it is very unfair - unless of course there was a reasonable amount of cash coming to you instead.

Also......some posters seem to be missing the point. It’s not about a child feeling “entitled” to a share of the inheritance but more the deep feelings of rejection & pain that are caused by such a blatantly unfairly allocation of assets. It’s so cruel. Why leave one child with everything & the other with........nothing. What message is that sending?

I would have the conversation and also tell her that you don't wish to be executor as it will be a slap in the face.

If she is unhappy with you about the conversation then she shouldn't have told you about her plans.

great post venue.
It is worrying that so many in this post seem to think that ordering a parent support and care in old age is based on what money they get when they die. Fortunately, and to her credit, op is not one of these people and loves her mother despite this decision. For those saying they could not consider this and would always divide equally, would you really do this if one of your children was a multi millionaire and the other was living on benefits and renting a home. I know that is extreme but I am testing whether there are nuances to this or whether people would just divide equally whatever the circumstances.

Our elderly NDN died in February. She'd only ever mentioned her son, so we assumed the woman who came regularly was a carer. The house has only just gone on the market after being empty for 9 months.

Apparently the "carer" is her daughter, and she left everything to her son. The house sale has been held up by probate as the daughter contested the will.

It's just evil leaving one child out.

Venie even!

Blatantly unfair and you should say so.

Unless there's a disability, or one child has given up on a "normal" adult life to care for their parents, then inheritance should always be equal, or as equal as possible. Even in the case of one child being eg a drug addict, then the money can be held in trust or gifted directly to their offspring. YANBU.

No it shouldn't. It should go wherever the deceased wanted it to. Why would it be split any other way

No one is entitled to anything 🤷‍♀️

@lottiegarbanzo

But in the end, it's her money to do with as she wishes. You're not entitled to anything. You're approaching this as if you are.

True, but at the same time the mother had no entitlement to care in her later years for which she doesn't pay.

@ScarletZebra

Our elderly NDN died in February. She'd only ever mentioned her son, so we assumed the woman who came regularly was a carer. The house has only just gone on the market after being empty for 9 months.

Apparently the "carer" is her daughter, and she left everything to her son. The house sale has been held up by probate as the daughter contested the will.

It's just evil leaving one child out.

OMD

I hope she wins

I wonder if she knew about the will. Poor woman.

Apparently the "carer" is her daughter, and she left everything to her son. The house sale has been held up by probate as the daughter contested the will
I think in France and Scotland the daughter would win but not in England. I think the French/Scottish system is better to prevent situations like this.