Do I tell my mum how I’m feeling about inheritance situation?

[MarcelineMissouri]

Earlier this year my mum sat me down and explained she’d decided to leave her house to my brother instead of to both of us. That will basically be the bulk of the inheritance. There will not really be anything else. Due to location it’s a relatively expensive house though. Her reason for this is that my brother has no money and dh and I are comfortable financially.

My brother lives abroad and works for the church. The church support him - he makes no money. My mother is a committed Christian and is extremely supportive of this. He is very bright and talented with a Russell Group degree - in other words this lifestyle is completely his choice and not for lack of other opportunities.

Dh and I are comfortable but not rich. In addition his job has become quite precarious because of the pandemic. It will probably remain precarious for sometime so who knows what the future holds. The industry he has worked his whole life in is being decimated so if he did lose his job it’s unlikely he’d manage to get anything similar. I work but on a low salary after a lot of years out as a sahm.

Ultimately I accept that it is my mother’s decision to do as she sees fit. I also realise there may be nothing left anyway as her house could end up being sold to cover care home fees. And I hope it goes without saying that I would rather hang on to my mum for as long as possible and be left with nothing (and I did say that to her at the time)

The thing is it’s playing on my mind and has been for months, for 2 reasons. Firstly the pandemic and our resulting financial situation which takes away from her point that it’s ok to do this because dh and I are comfortable, and secondly, because I’ve always felt she preferred my brother anyway. He’s been a Christian since we were young. I am not. I was a troubled teen who was a pain in the bum, and I obviously live a non Christian life now which she does not like. I know she loves me and we get on fine but deep down this feels like yet another sign that she views my brother differently to me. I feel I need to say something because I’m feeling quite bitter about it but I don’t know if that would be the right thing to do. It isn’t specifically about the money because I wouldn’t care if neither of us got anything, but to leave everything to my brother because of choices he made when he too could have a decent job and comfortable life just feels unfair.

Should I tell her how I feel or just leave it? It feels like a very awkward conversation to have. I genuinely believe I’m not entitled to anything, but also feel that if there is anything it should be split between me and my brother.

Equity doesn't always mean giving everyone the same.
Sorry, my above message quoted the post from @novemberRain2 , no idea why that didn't work.

Re your latest post op, religion/belief can be held as a shield to get things the way you see it.
Everything can be twisted and turned to suit how you feel, that really really goes for religion, too. It's all a matter of interpretation.

I agree it feels unfair. But I am wondering whether your mum's thinking is more because she knows that you will be ok when you are old. You will have somewhere to live and a state pension for the years you have had children under 18. Unless the organisation he works for provides housing and finances he may well not have anywhere to live and likely won't be entitled to a pension when he does get too old to do what he is doing. He certainly would not be entitled to anything at first if he comes back. It may be more that she sees he could be destitute whereas she is confident you will be ok.

I think you should definitely talk to her, it may change nothing but it will eat away at you either way.

Op- hope you can get through this and totally understand why this hurts.

I can never understand why parents do this. It has to be equal. It's just going to cause a divide between siblings.

@Mrgrinch @DougRossIsTheBoss just re the house, my mum has only lives there for a couple of years, it is not a sentimental family home. Also, it is likely that my brother would end up selling it anyway as his UK church is not based in the same area so if he did come back to the UK he would likely only stay in it temporarily anyway.

[quote MarcelineMissouri]@Meraas yes we have a mortgage.

DB lives on the other side of the world and only comes back every few years. He has no plans to return. I know any care my mum needs will fall to me which is fine, I love her and she is lovely, and has done so much for me, but yes that probably won’t help with the feeling of bitterness![/quote]
Well that's the thingy isn't it, the kid who's taken for granted the most is the one who gets shat on in the end. While the golden child who does fuck all is rewarded.

I know that sounds transactional but it just seems to be the case over and over again.

When people say 'she's not very Christian' I do wonder what their understanding of Christianity is. Vaguely be nice to people? Don't upset anyone? I don't recall those commandments.

The first commandment is love the lord thy God with all thy mind and all thy strength etc etc

The second is love thy neighbour as thy self (neighbour being fellow man not just family at all)

The only thing about family is honour thy father and mother.

There really is no Christian obligation to leave ones house to ones family equally or at all. In fact it could be argued it's more Christian to leave it to charity or to people in need. 'Sell thy goods and give them to the poor.'

I haven't got massive skin in the game on this one. I am a Christian but I'm likely to leave my house equally between my kids in a standard fashion and my confessed attachment to my childhood home is not very Christian.
I just think Ops mum is being vilified unnecessarily for perfectly reasonable choices.

@TimeQuest01

It is very unfair.

On top of that, with your brother being so far away, do you think he might even ask you to deal with the sale of the house?

LOL. There would be a very simple answer to that!

OP, has she named you as an executor?

It's down to your mum really, no matter what you think or feel. Your brother is never going to have his own place, working as a volunteer. You have a place, vivid hasn't affected you yet, so its pointless making that argument to her. If she gets frail and needs care, find her the nicest home. That way theres no resentment from your end If your brother wants to save the house then he can return to be her carer, or lose the house to the care home. His choice. This absolved you from any future responsibility.

@RainingBatsAndFrogs yes I am executor of her will. Ironic eh

The concept of refusing to provide any care for an elderly parent unless you’re guaranteed the inheritance you think you’re entitled to is absolutely abhorrent to me.

The mother can do whatever she wagtail with her estate. The concept of ‘fairness’ doesn’t come into it. My parents have mirror wills and I know that their wills favour one of my siblings more than the rest of us. I don’t know why that’s the case but I accept that that’s what my parents wanted to do, for whatever reason, and they are entitled to do that. I don’t feel angry, bitter, resentful or any less loved because of it.

[quote MarcelineMissouri]@NovemberRain2
MsIrrational
Absolutely talk to your mum. She can't rely on your comfortable situation remaining that way. Your brothers lifestyle is out of choice - not because he is struggling.
OP's decision to have kids and years out of the workforce was her choice too!

I’m not sure I understand this, are you saying I’d be more ‘entitled’ if I had stayed in work and had a well paid job??

It’s been interesting to read these perspectives on my mum and brother. They ARE good people but they are extremely committed to their faith and that is their priority. So I know 100% that my mum loves me very much, whatever people might think from this, but I also know that she would choose her faith and God over me without question because that is how important it is to her and how much she believes. Which is a slightly weird feeling to be honest![/quote]
I'm saying you can't berate him for having made a choice when you made one too. Both choices resulted in precarious financial positions.

*wagtail = wants

Maybe it's like in medieval times when dying lords would sign their land over to the church - she thinks it'll sort of 'fast track' her through the pearly gates?

[quote MarcelineMissouri]@RainingBatsAndFrogs yes I am executor of her will. Ironic eh [/quote]

Oh, oh you need to stop that, just refuse .

Haven't read PPs but you should tell your mother clearly you are very unhappy if she leaves house to DB - perhaps say as she is religious - ''It is not a Christian, good or fair thing to do''; remind her of the Bible story of the prodigal son ; also that it will sour your relationship with brother and that you will be asking him to give him your share anyway perhaps. Was the house bought by your father previously? Perhaps he would have wanted you to have it too. Point out you are not at all financially secure etc. Don't mince your word - what have you to lose?

Ask your mum to gift everything to the Grandchild, tell her you and your brother made your own choices, and your brother doesn't need a house as his church provides thst but it will be the Grandchildren of both sides that will suffer after covid.
This way her money will go to the part of family that will get most beneficial use.

@NovemberRain2 I’m haven’t berated him for his life choices at all?? Where have I written that? I’m just saying it feels unfair that my mum is justifying it on the basis that he doesn’t earn any money when that’s the life he’s CHOSEN to lead. You’re saying that I’ve made a choice to be a sahm and have a low paid job right now... so effectively I’m in the same position as my brother which surely makes it worse?

@PicsInRed

I know any care my mum needs will fall to me which is fine, I love her and she is lovely, and has done so much for me

Don't be a martyr for God's sake.
Maybe she does love you - maybe not - but she is willing to make so clear to you that she prefers your brother that she is disinheriting you. Sit on that for a moment. Nothing for you, nothing for your kids.

You have been disinherited.

Why the fuck would you wipe the bum of someone who carefully and coolly disinherited you for failing to be (reading between the lines) good and pure enough - in favour of a brother who I doubt very much lives the Godly life she presumes if he's abroad and never comes home?

She's not lovely, she literally just disinherited you for a son she never sees - so she needs to provide for her own old age company and care.

OP, please google scapegoat and golden child - I wouldnt be surprised if the trouble you had in your youth was caused by this dynamic. Your mother sounds quite toxic and she will never change. Forgive yourself any further obligation to her.

^^This.

With bells on.

She is not lovely. She is not kind. And she is not Christian.

YANBU to feel hurt by this. Any decision to treat siblings differently as regards legacies is divisive and unacceptable. I really do not know why people do this. It does not take much imagination to realise the effects of this.

It would seem that she is influenced by the religious aspect - he is the blue-eyed boy who has followed the path she regards as being the right one, and you are not. But - as you rightly point out - you will be the one who will provide care and organise care should she need this at any time.

I also think she is wrong to judge your financial circumstances from the outside. My Sis-in-law did this many moons ago and was trying to persuade her father (my FIL) to bypass us and her in the will and give all his money to the GC. She judged that we were well off when this was far from the case. In fact he died before he had time to complete this change of will; but I really resented the fact that she had made an external judgement about our financial circumstances and used that to try and persuade him to do what she wanted.

As you say - she does not know all your circumstances, and should not be making judgements about it.

How well do you get on with your brother? Could you talk with him about it? If he is as Christian as we are led to believe he will want to see fairness in this situation and might talk with mother about it. Or agree to share the legacy with you when the time comes, so as to avoid challenging Mum.

The crux of all this is that it changes your relationship with your mother; leaves you in doubt as to her real feelings about you; invites envy between siblings; might mean that when the time comes to care for her you may do so with a less good grace - and who could blame you?

I do think your mother is so fundamentally wrong on her decision; and she has blown a fault line in family relationships.

Only you know what your current relationship is with her and whether you feel able to raise this with her. I am sorry you are in this awkward situation.

Just to add to my post above the reason I’ve emphasised the fact that’s he’s chosen this life is because it would obviously be a different situation if he was eg disabled and unable to work or earn much.

I’d speak to her. What she has done is rather un-Christian and very hurtful. Favouring one child over the other! Financial circumstances can change both ways. The expenses with kids are astronomical, regardless of whether you are comfortable.

You could easily contest being left out of her will after her death, as you are her direct child and clearly have been treated unfairly, particularly if you end up with the caring responsibilities.

That’s it though - anyone could become divorced or disabled literally in an instant. She is being very short sighted and frankly sounds like a bit of a religious extremist.