Do I tell my mum how I’m feeling about inheritance situation?

[MarcelineMissouri]

Earlier this year my mum sat me down and explained she’d decided to leave her house to my brother instead of to both of us. That will basically be the bulk of the inheritance. There will not really be anything else. Due to location it’s a relatively expensive house though. Her reason for this is that my brother has no money and dh and I are comfortable financially.

My brother lives abroad and works for the church. The church support him - he makes no money. My mother is a committed Christian and is extremely supportive of this. He is very bright and talented with a Russell Group degree - in other words this lifestyle is completely his choice and not for lack of other opportunities.

Dh and I are comfortable but not rich. In addition his job has become quite precarious because of the pandemic. It will probably remain precarious for sometime so who knows what the future holds. The industry he has worked his whole life in is being decimated so if he did lose his job it’s unlikely he’d manage to get anything similar. I work but on a low salary after a lot of years out as a sahm.

Ultimately I accept that it is my mother’s decision to do as she sees fit. I also realise there may be nothing left anyway as her house could end up being sold to cover care home fees. And I hope it goes without saying that I would rather hang on to my mum for as long as possible and be left with nothing (and I did say that to her at the time)

The thing is it’s playing on my mind and has been for months, for 2 reasons. Firstly the pandemic and our resulting financial situation which takes away from her point that it’s ok to do this because dh and I are comfortable, and secondly, because I’ve always felt she preferred my brother anyway. He’s been a Christian since we were young. I am not. I was a troubled teen who was a pain in the bum, and I obviously live a non Christian life now which she does not like. I know she loves me and we get on fine but deep down this feels like yet another sign that she views my brother differently to me. I feel I need to say something because I’m feeling quite bitter about it but I don’t know if that would be the right thing to do. It isn’t specifically about the money because I wouldn’t care if neither of us got anything, but to leave everything to my brother because of choices he made when he too could have a decent job and comfortable life just feels unfair.

Should I tell her how I feel or just leave it? It feels like a very awkward conversation to have. I genuinely believe I’m not entitled to anything, but also feel that if there is anything it should be split between me and my brother.

[giantangryrooster]

@MarcelineMissouri

Just to be clear on the care needs thing - there is no expectation on my mums part there at all. We haven’t really discussed it but it wouldn’t be her style to be dependent on me or anyone plus I live a couple of hours away so not like I’d just be popping in! She is more likely to want to go into a home than be reliant on me or anyone else.

When people get very old or frail, this changes a lot. Everything that has been said and any way they have been looking at growing old independently may change, it often does.

So my best advise (nothing to do with your op) is to be very clear on boundaries. She has clearly signaled your place in the pecking order, I'm pretty sure you will be first call if things go tits up and any care arrangements are needed. And believe me that will make you bitter and resentful.

[DougRossIsTheBoss]

DB made a choice not to 'use his potential' and work in a low paid career

In fact OP made the same choice when she became a SAHM for 12 years. The only thing different about their situations is the reason for the choices (childcare socially acceptable, religious devotion not socially acceptable) and that OP had a rich husband.

What if this wasn't about religion
What if DB and the mother are both passionate environmentalists? They believe in putting all their money and efforts towards fighting the climate emergency or child poverty in Africa or whatever cause you find socially acceptable and morally good.
OP doesn't share that passion (perfectly fine) and has other priorities in her life.
Her mum chooses to leave her house in a way that benefits the cause she believes in.
Is that Ok now? Or still not oK?

What if OPs mum didn't leave her money to either of her kids but left it to the church/ green peace/ The donkey sanctuary?
Is that Ok now because it's fair?
Or does she still not deserve care in her old age?

[Metallicalover]

I don't think it's fair at all. Your mother may call herself a Christian but treating your children unfairly isn't a very Christian thing to do. She should know the Christian way and what your brother is doing doesn't need money thrown at it. He is supported by the church and he isn't doing it for the money.
She could leave it to a Christian cause or the church or divide equally between you and your brother.
It's not about the money and inheritance.
It's about favouritism! I would be very hurt OP and it would affect my relationship with her.
I would let her know how you feel.

[MarcelineMissouri]

@NovemberRain2
MsIrrational
Absolutely talk to your mum. She can't rely on your comfortable situation remaining that way. Your brothers lifestyle is out of choice - not because he is struggling.
OP's decision to have kids and years out of the workforce was her choice too!

I’m not sure I understand this, are you saying I’d be more ‘entitled’ if I had stayed in work and had a well paid job??

It’s been interesting to read these perspectives on my mum and brother. They ARE good people but they are extremely committed to their faith and that is their priority. So I know 100% that my mum loves me very much, whatever people might think from this, but I also know that she would choose her faith and God over me without question because that is how important it is to her and how much she believes. Which is a slightly weird feeling to be honest!

[Newfornow]

She is it lovely, to you, or she would not do this.
I would not be caring for her, I would expect she arranges and pays for a carer in her old age.
She can’t expect you to give up time working.
Can your brother have a lifetime interest the property and then pass to your children as an alternative if she wants to provide for your brother?

[Witchend]

Normally I think it should be evenly split, but in this situation there is a case.

Yes he's made a choice, but, he has chosen to go into a career where he makes no money presumably to help people. He has not got the opportunity to save.
The fact he has a good degree and has chosen to do it rather than go into money making surely makes it more generous than otherwise?

I know of someone who works on a hospital ship treating people of illnesses and conditions that in this country you wouldn't even know of as problems because they'd be sorted before you knew they were an issue-things like children with cataracts. Easily enough removed - if you have free health care. If not. Child goes blind.
He's worked on it now for 20 years. He has no savings, no housing, nothing. He does it because he wants to see people helped. He could have been a surgeon in this country, making £££. He has chosen not to. Do you criticise him too? Wanting children in third world countries to have the right to be able to see for free the same as your child would in this country should be celebrated not derided.

When he's old, he'll be coming back to this country I'd guess with no income (will he even get a pension, probably not?), no housing, and no savings, and probably not many people he even knows in this country. That's going to be tough.

If she is wanting to support what he's doing, and feels that it is something special he's doing then I can see her feeling this is the best way to help him-give him security when he's old.

Would you feel differently if she had decided that she would leave the house to a charity and neither of you get it? You say you wouldn't care if she left you nothing. Because in a lot of ways that's what she's doing. It's helping him to be able to continue helping with the charity.

As you said you don't care if you get nothing as long as it's fair, then you could suggest that she leaves it to the charity with the proviso he lives in it as long as he needs to, then when he dies it reverts to the charity. I suspect from what you say they'll be quite happy with that, and then neither of you gets the money, which you say you'll be happy with.

@DougRossIsTheBoss I suspect it probably just would have to not be Christian, Mn is very anti-Christian until people need things, then the church should provide.

[Hercules12]

I have a slightly different take on this. You are only financially secure because of your husband. Would you be so if you divorced? Does your mother realise you're not in a massively advantageous position over your db anyway.

[Roussette]

Yes but OP chose to have kids and not work for a while. How is that different? Why is her choice valid and her brother's not?

Both valid.
Which means everything should be split equally

[Newfornow]

The devout faith update makes more sense of this situation. She has chosen to provide for your brother because he chosen God. This is why I do not like religion.

[Castiel07]

I do think your mother is being unfair, but if my parents did this to my sister, I would give her half regardless.
Yes its her right to do what she pleases but
I really don't understand why parents do this, and I would tell her how you feel because you will resent her.

[Handsoffstrikesagain]

Not really very Christian is she...

[Newfornow]

Your brother should leave his inheritance to your children then. In reality it will probably go to the church.

[Roussette]

I think the OP sounds very rational kind and level headed. I would be very very upset that my mother was choosing her religion over me.

Whatever anyone says, that in essence is what she is doing

[FippertyGibbett]

I really can’t understand this.
It should be split equally between you both.

[How2Help]

But in the end, it's her money to do with as she wishes. You're not entitled to anything. You're approaching this as if you are.

I don’t think this is it. I get the impression that even if the brother declined all the money and gave it to OP that would not make her feel better.This really does seem to be about the decision, not the actual money.

[Roussette]

I can't understand it either. Never in a million years would I do this to my children.

[DianeChambers]

I would absolutely say something. But id have said it at the time. If she brings it up again, I’d say how hurtful it was that she would act in such an unfair way to her children, showing favouritism, and it has really made you question everything.

[RainingBatsAndFrogs]

I don’t think upset around unequal inheritance is about ‘entitlement’ , it is at least partially rooted in seeing favouritism. How does a parent see their legacy supporting their children after they have gone.

The book ‘The Sprit Level’ explored research that shows that (beyond subsistence level survival) it is not the lack of wealth that makes people miserable, but inequality.

Money translates into emotional value where inheritance is concerned because it is the earthly gift to children.

It is likely, OP, that your mother sees her highly unequal plan as a way to further her religious conviction as much as supporting his finances. She is using him as a vehicle to support the church.

But, she had couched it to you in terms of financial stability, so it is fair enough to say to her, as a matter of fact, that your relative position now may not last. Ask her if she would make the same decision if you became disabled tomorrow, or lost your house to job loss. Just as a matter of fact.

Also, she is your Mum and you feel hurt. She has felt able to tell you her decision, you should be able to, and have a right to, tell her how you feel. How it translates into an emotional response.

If she says her main goal is to leave her money to the furtherance of Christianity, at least you know it is perhaps less personal.

[MarcelineMissouri]

@Hercules12

I have a slightly different take on this. You are only financially secure because of your husband. Would you be so if you divorced? Does your mother realise you're not in a massively advantageous position over your db anyway.

Yes I have also thought of it from this perspective, although obviously I hope we don’t split up who knows what the future holds! I would not be at all financially secure if that happened. As I’ve said we are (or were) comfortable, definitely not rich as someone described upthread. It would certainly not be that comfortable if we were not together!

Also, just to add my brother is also married with children.

[Sp1ke3]

Why don’t you start by discussing the parable of the prodigal son. Whilst your brother isn’t living it up, he is making his choices. You’re at home like the other brother. Maybe she will understand your feelings more with a biblical context?

[Candleabra]

Agree, at other times. But not when wills are involved. Its more than the money, it's the message it sends. I understand that people take different paths in life, and that there may be valid and entirely reasonable arguments for different inheritances that can be rationally understood. But the emotions say "I wasn't loved as much".
IF, the OPs mother had sat the family down, explained the situation, got everyone's agreement and blessing, then fine.
But generally (unless there are siblings that require long term care) and equal split is the only way.

[Mrgrinch]

@DougRossIsTheBoss

I do see it a little bit differently because it's a house and not cash.

A lot of people are sentimentally attached to their family home and maybe don't want to see it sold. My dad's house is a listed building and has been in our family for generations and I would never want it sold to be split 3 ways. If it came to that I'd try to buy my siblings out but not sure if I can afford to.

Maybe she doesn't want to sell the house and she wants him to have a place to live. She isn't seeing it as the cash value just allowing him to return to the family home. Ideally she should try to save some cash to give to you too but maybe she can't afford to.

Maybe she should leave it equally to you both but give him a right to reside there. Like people do with 2nd spouses and children from 1st marriages.

To my mind inheritance shouldn't somehow be tied to support offered in old age. That's payback for the support they gave you as a child and maybe as a grandparent too. Inheritance is a bonus that shouldn't be relied on.

I totally agree. The DM is gifting a home in her eyes, not a sum on money.

OP clearly sees it as money and would want to sell it, which could be a contributing factor in her Sam's decision.

[GnomeDePlume]

A will is your final message to the people you leave behind.

If that will leaves everything or the vast majority of everything to one person excluding another then that is the final message you are leaving. That one person is valued more than the other.

Worse still in this case, as the DB is far away it will likely fall to the OP to sort everything out: clearing the house, readying it for sale etc.

[Oreservoir]

Why do people committed to their faith not think twice about inflicting hurt on people?

If my dp's disinherited me in favour of a sibling for no good reason I would feel personally rejected by them.

Your mother may be a christian in name but she certainly has no idea how to live as one.

[TimeQuest01]

It is very unfair.

On top of that, with your brother being so far away, do you think he might even ask you to deal with the sale of the house?