Do I tell my mum how I’m feeling about inheritance situation?

[MarcelineMissouri]

Earlier this year my mum sat me down and explained she’d decided to leave her house to my brother instead of to both of us. That will basically be the bulk of the inheritance. There will not really be anything else. Due to location it’s a relatively expensive house though. Her reason for this is that my brother has no money and dh and I are comfortable financially.

My brother lives abroad and works for the church. The church support him - he makes no money. My mother is a committed Christian and is extremely supportive of this. He is very bright and talented with a Russell Group degree - in other words this lifestyle is completely his choice and not for lack of other opportunities.

Dh and I are comfortable but not rich. In addition his job has become quite precarious because of the pandemic. It will probably remain precarious for sometime so who knows what the future holds. The industry he has worked his whole life in is being decimated so if he did lose his job it’s unlikely he’d manage to get anything similar. I work but on a low salary after a lot of years out as a sahm.

Ultimately I accept that it is my mother’s decision to do as she sees fit. I also realise there may be nothing left anyway as her house could end up being sold to cover care home fees. And I hope it goes without saying that I would rather hang on to my mum for as long as possible and be left with nothing (and I did say that to her at the time)

The thing is it’s playing on my mind and has been for months, for 2 reasons. Firstly the pandemic and our resulting financial situation which takes away from her point that it’s ok to do this because dh and I are comfortable, and secondly, because I’ve always felt she preferred my brother anyway. He’s been a Christian since we were young. I am not. I was a troubled teen who was a pain in the bum, and I obviously live a non Christian life now which she does not like. I know she loves me and we get on fine but deep down this feels like yet another sign that she views my brother differently to me. I feel I need to say something because I’m feeling quite bitter about it but I don’t know if that would be the right thing to do. It isn’t specifically about the money because I wouldn’t care if neither of us got anything, but to leave everything to my brother because of choices he made when he too could have a decent job and comfortable life just feels unfair.

Should I tell her how I feel or just leave it? It feels like a very awkward conversation to have. I genuinely believe I’m not entitled to anything, but also feel that if there is anything it should be split between me and my brother.

It sounds a remarkably unChristian thing to do to leave all your inheritance to one child just because that child has a Christian calling and the other doesn't.

I don't think you'd be unreasonable to tell her that it hurts. That's it's not about the money per se, but that what people choose to do with their money can be quite telling of their feelings. That your brother lives on the side of the world, meaning as she gets older it will be you most involved in caring for her, which you're honoured to do, but it stings that in spite of all that inheritance signifies, she wants your brother remembered but not you.

You say your mum is lovely. In that case I would bet that she hasn't thought of it that way at all, and that because nobody has discussed it with her it has occurred to her to consider it from another perspective. I reckon she's thinking about how he's sacrificed his life, money, opportunities for fun, family, etc to this calling, and that his only chance to have these normal experiences is if he ends up with a good bit of money behind him courtesy of her. In her mind you've been fortunate enough to have a lovely life and don't actually want for anything. She may not have realised that you can't see all of those things about him in the way she does.

I was wondering what sort of church it is, and why he lives abroad? Is he a missionary? Is that still a thing? Some 'churches' are just about money and manipulation.

Your mum is bring manipulative and hurtful. I wonder if she actually wants you to 'work harder' for her, to get back in her good books in the hope that she will change her will.

@NeedToKnow101 it’s c of e and yes he works for an international missionary organisation. Definitely not a dodgy church!

All you can really do is tell her how this has made you feel. If she is a lovely person commited to her faith the a generous interpretation is that she has tried to do what she logically and spiritually feels is best given the current circumstances and has not thought to think that there is a significant emotional factor at play with inheritance and favouring one child above another at any age in such a blatant way can be deeply hurtful.

I'm trying to be generous in the above and I'll be honest I'm not fully convinced. Of this really was an issue around commitment to the church she would have made the c of e the beneficiary. It does look like a reward for the good and pious child to me, very Victorian.

I couldn’t cope caring for my mum knowing she thought so little of me. I would really, really struggle. Favouritism is awful, and that’s what that is, dress up it however you like.

@MarcelineMissouri have you any idea yet what you will do?

This has happened to me, its devastating and its not about greed, money or begrudging someone else.

I wonder how many times the "victim" is male?

I have had a similar experience and it has ruined my relationship with my brother who was made sole executor and who kept everything for himself. The Will plan was kept secret from me as I was seen as doing well for myself. I would encourage you to express yourself and state how you feel and I wish I'd had the opportunity to do so but my father died leaving the mess behind.

I would. I had this except my mum said it's because I was married and my sister was not. My sister is living with her long term dp and their dc. Dp is very very wealthy, she lives like a Princess owns several properties outright. I have a mortgage and if I divorced would get less than a third of what's in my parents estate and certainly not enough to buy another house with.
I spoke to my mum she was adamant it was only 'fair' my sister would get everything. But for me it also affected my own dc in comparison to my sister, she will be able to therefore give her dc long term more than I ever could mine and it really hurt.
Totally up to your mum to do what she wants but it isn't fair.
In the end I tried very very hard to look past it. Ignore what had been done but I just couldn't and I found myself becoming more and more hurt thinking about it so I cut her out of my life and I don't regret that. I'm sure some people will think this isn't on but I couldn't look past it. I'd been helping my mum a lot not for inheritance but just because she's my mum, giving her money, paying phone bill and then she tells me this. I actually wish she'd left it until after she died.
Good luck OP.

@randomer

This has happened to me, its devastating and its not about greed, money or begrudging someone else.

I wonder how many times the "victim" is male?

I do know of this happening to men - in fact all of the sisters were left money and all of the brothers were left out because the parent felt the women were more financially vulnerable and needed looking after. The men were all devastated and they had all been a very happy family before. It was very sad & foolish.

@randomer

This has happened to me, its devastating and its not about greed, money or begrudging someone else.

I wonder how many times the "victim" is male?

My mum's will favours me over my brother. Which since he's on minimum wage while I'm comfortably off, is screamingly unfair. Having been disinherited herself, you'd think she'd know better. But apparently because she doesn't want his step-children to benefit from anything (while I've 'given her' blood GCs) I get favoured.

It's going to be immaterial as her care will have swallowed everything up, but before she needed care, I'd decided that whatever I got, I would give him half.

Will you speak to your mum OP?

And just to echo what PPs said; caring responsibilities creep up on you. One minute you're picking their shopping up sometimes, next thing you know they call you every time they forget to change the TV channel, need a tin opening, or need taking somewhere. It's sad but boundaries need to be put in place with the best parents, let alone ones who are writing you out of their will. It really can destroy a person.

If one of my children had a job or a husband paying a mortgage which would end up with her owning half a house and seemed to be reasonably comfortably off and payments were being made into a pension, while the other had accommodation that went with the job and was lost on retirement, was quite poorly paid (making meaningful saving virtually impossible) and would expect a minimal pension I can imagine that if all I had to leave was my house I would possibly leave it to the second. I've seen that situation arise with vicars, charity workers, missionaries, some types of armed forces jobs and similar.

I would talk to both DCs and explain my reasoning and that it didn't mean I loved either one more or less, or that I valued one career choice more than another. And I would listen to the opinions of both of them.

If, however, I learned that one of my DCs was planning to adjust the amount of care I would get in my old age according to his/her inheritance expectations, I would be horrified. Shocked at myself at raising such a person, I would disinherit totally.

Thing is relationships end, so bring married doesn't mean lifelong security. Half a house (if it's not sold for care etc) is a lot of money, especially if they stay in a developing country.

It's not the money per se anyway, it's what it represents.
As so many PPs have said.

Very hurtful but perhaps your db being a Christian and not living close will sell it and give you half?

My own db doesn't have a good financial income and no spouse myself and dh are comfortable. The house is now in our names but when we lose dad which I hope won't be for a very long time the money from the house will go to my brother to make sure he's ok. I would never let him be financially destitute over inheritance. I have never told my df this but my db and I have an agreement.

What does your DB think? Does he think it's fair? If he is agreeable the terms of the will can be changed by deed of variation after your DM's death.

If, however, I learned that one of my DCs was planning to adjust the amount of care I would get in my old age according to his/her inheritance expectations, I would be horrified. Shocked at myself at raising such a person, I would disinherit totally.

Its not about inheritance though.Its about how the DM thinks of her dd.

The only person in the wrong is the dm.

@MarcelineMissouri i think you need to step back and realise you are 2nd best to your dm.
She doesnt deserve for you to be there for her.Shes made the choice and now she has to live with it.

So she's cut you out of her will, but made you executor? That's a message in itself. When people tell you who they are, believe them.

Yes. Be honest. When she’s gone is too late.
It’s not the money. It’s choosing one sibling over another.

Out of interest ...how had she got this house? How much money did she put in into it directly. It’s easy to give stuff away that never felt yours to begin with.

& MarcelineMissouri it’s c of e and yes he works for an international missionary organisation. Definitely not a dodgy church!

I’d beg to differ here OP!! Old and established doesn’t mean it’s not dodgy or - just allows dodgy zealots to operate under cover of “respectability”