Do I tell my mum how I’m feeling about inheritance situation?

[MarcelineMissouri]

Earlier this year my mum sat me down and explained she’d decided to leave her house to my brother instead of to both of us. That will basically be the bulk of the inheritance. There will not really be anything else. Due to location it’s a relatively expensive house though. Her reason for this is that my brother has no money and dh and I are comfortable financially.

My brother lives abroad and works for the church. The church support him - he makes no money. My mother is a committed Christian and is extremely supportive of this. He is very bright and talented with a Russell Group degree - in other words this lifestyle is completely his choice and not for lack of other opportunities.

Dh and I are comfortable but not rich. In addition his job has become quite precarious because of the pandemic. It will probably remain precarious for sometime so who knows what the future holds. The industry he has worked his whole life in is being decimated so if he did lose his job it’s unlikely he’d manage to get anything similar. I work but on a low salary after a lot of years out as a sahm.

Ultimately I accept that it is my mother’s decision to do as she sees fit. I also realise there may be nothing left anyway as her house could end up being sold to cover care home fees. And I hope it goes without saying that I would rather hang on to my mum for as long as possible and be left with nothing (and I did say that to her at the time)

The thing is it’s playing on my mind and has been for months, for 2 reasons. Firstly the pandemic and our resulting financial situation which takes away from her point that it’s ok to do this because dh and I are comfortable, and secondly, because I’ve always felt she preferred my brother anyway. He’s been a Christian since we were young. I am not. I was a troubled teen who was a pain in the bum, and I obviously live a non Christian life now which she does not like. I know she loves me and we get on fine but deep down this feels like yet another sign that she views my brother differently to me. I feel I need to say something because I’m feeling quite bitter about it but I don’t know if that would be the right thing to do. It isn’t specifically about the money because I wouldn’t care if neither of us got anything, but to leave everything to my brother because of choices he made when he too could have a decent job and comfortable life just feels unfair.

Should I tell her how I feel or just leave it? It feels like a very awkward conversation to have. I genuinely believe I’m not entitled to anything, but also feel that if there is anything it should be split between me and my brother.

we're in a sort of similar situation.. my brother is well off, has his own home, he and his wife have a good job/mortgage...etc

i am on benefits and live with my parents as my child is disabled and needs full time care.

my parents are leaving the house 50/50 though, and my brother has promised that he will not insist its sold from under me and instead let me continue living here unless it gets too much, in which case it will be sold to allow me to downsize and we'll discuss how the money goes from there.. wether we divide it 50/50 from sale, or he has a 'stake' interest in the new house if it costs more than the 50% of the sale of this one... our relationship is good enough that he's promised to make sure i'm taken care of so i can take care of my child.

Can you maybe have a discussion with your mom and brother about this with a view to making sure he's protected in the future?

@LimeTreeGrove

I couldn’t agree more. I’m not British and I’m regularity astounded by the attitudes towards inheritance that I see here Some countries make it illegal to favour a golden child in the will. I guess you wouldn't like that. Not sure how you know the nationality of everyone posting anyway, so probably just you being xenophobic

Hahaha. This is a UK based website and the demographic is largely (though obviously not exclusively) British. Though I never said I knew the nationality of everyone posting. And on there threads (and the post of mine you quoted referred to multiple threads) invariably have posters discussing English and Scottish laws on this issue, so it’s safe for me to assume that those posters are British.

And you’re right, I wouldn’t like a law dictating how I dispose of my assets. That should be my decision and mine alone, as long as I have no dependents.

Can you write it in a letter if you can't have the conversation. Talk about hurt, not entitlement. Don't get in to the 'he isnt even here, I will care for you' bit, just keep it simple and let her think about it.

I understand her reasoning. She wants to make sure that you are both looked after. However, it must also feel a bit falling, esp when you also have children (her grandchildren) to take care of. I think that you should raise it tactfully and put across your concerns re job security/your kids and your vulnerability as a sahm etc. Perhaps she was sounding you out. Also say how it makes you feel, whilst achnowleging her rational. She's just trying to make things seem equal between the two of you, but the outcome does seem unfair. It's a really difficult situation. I wouldn't describe a religious career as a lifestyle choice. It's more of a calling.

The OP has not been cut out - she has been left a lesser share. She said the majority of the estate is the house not the entire estate. She is mentioned in the will. It is only a problem if she makes it one.

Actually I said in my op that the house was the bulk of the estate and there wasn’t really anything else. DM lives frugally on her pension and a small amount of savings. She owns the house outright. However it’s not about the total value of what I may or may not get left that’s the issue. And I’m certainly not sat waiting for the inheritance. I would rather have my mum around.

I'm confused as to where I made a mistake in my comment OP. Are bulk and majority not synonyms? You say they are savings and a house and the house is the bulk of the estate which is to be inherited by your brother. Are you saying you have been cut off completely and are not to inherit anything at all or just not the house (hence a lesser share)? You said you are mentioned in the will as executor - is that it?

And yes as the other poster says -maybe the entire UK should legislate against disinheriting children or whatever proposed shares they should have (as much as I believe people should have the right to make their own decisions) so these insane conversations about money and inheritance stop. That way at least family interactions will be genuine without the pretence that many seem to think is okay (not you OP, but other posters saying this would be reason enough to go NC in an otherwise seemingly good parent-child relationship with no other problems).

I'm guessing your brother has no children ? What is the likelihood that he will. If this was me I'd probably try to negotiate. I'd say I respect your choice to give everything to my brother. Your house is yours. However what I want to discuss is what happens when brother dies. While you might hope he leaves the house to the church its possible that he would have a late marriage to a person without adult children. This person could be much younger, could inherit from him and the pass the estate to his adult step children. I would like you to change the will so bro can either live in the house or get an income from renting it but that he can not sell it. Essentially a life interest. I would like you to write that if he dies the house becomes my house and if I'm dead the house is split evenly among my children and any children he may produce.'

“ I would like you to write that if he dies the house becomes my house and if I'm dead the house is split evenly among my children and any children he may produce.'

The money will go wherever her brother wants it to go when he dies. You can’t set pre terms like this, surely?

She said he has childrem @Thehouseofmarvels

A life interest with the ability to get an income from rent seems reasonable as bro would have an income in old age. If your mother wishes him to give the whole house to the church when he dies maybe she can say that he can have a life interest and then the money can go to the church. Just as if he he became quilte wealthy when your parents die some people and then met a partner, it would be doubly galling to see the assets eventually end up in a step family. Your mother may still want to give him everything outright and not be bothered about the possibility of stepchildren inheriting and her own grandchildren getting nothing but it would be good if she was totally honest and you both knew where you stood.

DH and I are parents to two adult children, who have their own children. We wrote our wills some years ago. We own our home as tenants in common, so on the death of the first, half of the house goes into a trust for the survivor and our children. On the death of the second, the whole house goes to the children, split equally.

When we made our will one child was in a far better financial situation than the other, and had our only grandchild. Things are much more equal now, and we have more grandchildren. Even though their lives were so different, we love them equally, and wouldn't dream of doing something that could cause so much hurt. i can't imagine why, unless there was some serious reason like disability that any parent would do any different.

Acorn Autumn, you can do a will like this. It's called a life tenancy. It means that one person can use the house but not own it. My parents mother has a life tenancy on her mother's house. She can't sell it and pocket the money. She only has the use of it. And whoops did not see he had children. Same thing applies though, the will could stipulate that when bro dies the house is split evenly among grandchildren.

The brother has children

I can't believe people think caring for your parents in old age should be done because your parents cared for you as a child. Erm, yes, because they chose to have a child.

@Meraas

DB lives on the other side of the world and only comes back every few years. He has no plans to return. I know any care my mum needs will fall to me which is fine, I love her and she is lovely, and has done so much for me, but yes that probably won’t help with the feeling of bitterness!

She’s not lovely though, OP, if goes ahead with this. You have a mortgage and you’re physically there for her when DB only shows up once every few years. You need to make your feelings very clear to her.

You’re a better person than me because if this was me, I would direct to her a care home when she has needs.

I agree !!

When I said parents mother I meant partners mother but same thing. Its absolutely possible for one child to have use of the house then his kids and ops kids and bros kids to have equal shares of the house.

@MarcelineMissouri

Earlier this year my mum sat me down and explained she’d decided to leave her house to my brother instead of to both of us. That will basically be the bulk of the inheritance. There will not really be anything else. Due to location it’s a relatively expensive house though. Her reason for this is that my brother has no money and dh and I are comfortable financially.

My brother lives abroad and works for the church. The church support him - he makes no money. My mother is a committed Christian and is extremely supportive of this. He is very bright and talented with a Russell Group degree - in other words this lifestyle is completely his choice and not for lack of other opportunities.

Dh and I are comfortable but not rich. In addition his job has become quite precarious because of the pandemic. It will probably remain precarious for sometime so who knows what the future holds. The industry he has worked his whole life in is being decimated so if he did lose his job it’s unlikely he’d manage to get anything similar. I work but on a low salary after a lot of years out as a sahm.

Ultimately I accept that it is my mother’s decision to do as she sees fit. I also realise there may be nothing left anyway as her house could end up being sold to cover care home fees. And I hope it goes without saying that I would rather hang on to my mum for as long as possible and be left with nothing (and I did say that to her at the time)

The thing is it’s playing on my mind and has been for months, for 2 reasons. Firstly the pandemic and our resulting financial situation which takes away from her point that it’s ok to do this because dh and I are comfortable, and secondly, because I’ve always felt she preferred my brother anyway. He’s been a Christian since we were young. I am not. I was a troubled teen who was a pain in the bum, and I obviously live a non Christian life now which she does not like. I know she loves me and we get on fine but deep down this feels like yet another sign that she views my brother differently to me. I feel I need to say something because I’m feeling quite bitter about it but I don’t know if that would be the right thing to do. It isn’t specifically about the money because I wouldn’t care if neither of us got anything, but to leave everything to my brother because of choices he made when he too could have a decent job and comfortable life just feels unfair.

Should I tell her how I feel or just leave it? It feels like a very awkward conversation to have. I genuinely believe I’m not entitled to anything, but also feel that if there is anything it should be split between me and my brother.

I think she's being extremely unfair to you. The only way is to leave an equal legacy to your children.

@Thehouseofmarvels

Acorn Autumn, you can do a will like this. It's called a life tenancy. It means that one person can use the house but not own it. My parents mother has a life tenancy on her mother's house. She can't sell it and pocket the money. She only has the use of it. And whoops did not see he had children. Same thing applies though, the will could stipulate that when bro dies the house is split evenly among grandchildren.

Oh I see

I was thinking of brother actually owning the house though

My mother once told me that I wasn't in their will and instead she was leaving everything to her niece, who was always the golden child.

My dad confirmed some years later that they hadn't even written a will, so clarifying that my mother is in fact a spiteful unpleasant old woman who will stop at nothing to try and upset me if she can't control me.

And then she wonders why I've been NC for the last decade.

There's nothing more here apart from a controlling parent trying to manipulate you. Don't let her.

I don't expect to get a penny from my parents estate and I couldn't care less, if the price to pay is having to have her and her toxicity in my life. No thanks.

Oh wow this is truly horrible and I’m sorry she is doing this to you. In my house my mum favours my brother and will probably do the same however I have told her if she didn’t treat us fairly I will never speak to my brother again.

He does fuck all for her other then take her shopping I do everything else including the cleaning and everything.

I wouldn't bother with her anymore. She has shown you how much she thinks of you. I don't need those sort of feelings in my life. I would be polite but stop thinking of her as an important part of my life.

My friend's mum left a will that left her house to him then divided any other money between all her children. He had chosen a profession that was financially shaky; the others were a lot better off and owned homes. It must have rankled with the others as his job was his choice, but it didn't come from lack of love - she adored them all; she just wanted the peace of mind to know that none of her children would end up destitute. Having said that, I think you should talk to your mother about how you feel; it will also affect your relationship with your brother forever.

You say that the Church support your brother (and that he is married with kids). What happens when he retires, does the Church continue to support him until he dies? What about his wife, if he dies?

Also, is this some sort of evangelical/non-mainstream church which might be putting pressure on your Mum for money?

So your Mum chooses your brother over you because of his life style choices and she wants to reward him for this and to show you that yours are wrong and shouldn’t be rewarded. She shows that you are not equal for her whereas you both are her children. I don’t think that it’s a very Christian attitude. She is more demanding and selective than Jesus Christ himself!
And your position is not so great, as you depend on your DH’s income. maybe you should talk to your Mum about this and that her attitude really hurts.
I feel sympathy for you because that conversation might end up with nothing but you need to tell her how you feel, it will eat you inside anyway.

At least you know where you stand.

I would go nc. Don't be a mug when it comes to her needing something. Golden bollocks brother will have to step up.

I don't understand your mother's reasoning at all. I have two daughters and have left them equally in my Will. I could use the argument your mother has made in that DD2 cannot afford to get on the housing ladder so 'deserves' more of my help while DD1 has a mortgaged home with her DH and 2 children so doesn't need it, but I wouldn't dream of it.

So yes please speak to your mother.