Do I tell my mum how I’m feeling about inheritance situation?

[MarcelineMissouri]

Earlier this year my mum sat me down and explained she’d decided to leave her house to my brother instead of to both of us. That will basically be the bulk of the inheritance. There will not really be anything else. Due to location it’s a relatively expensive house though. Her reason for this is that my brother has no money and dh and I are comfortable financially.

My brother lives abroad and works for the church. The church support him - he makes no money. My mother is a committed Christian and is extremely supportive of this. He is very bright and talented with a Russell Group degree - in other words this lifestyle is completely his choice and not for lack of other opportunities.

Dh and I are comfortable but not rich. In addition his job has become quite precarious because of the pandemic. It will probably remain precarious for sometime so who knows what the future holds. The industry he has worked his whole life in is being decimated so if he did lose his job it’s unlikely he’d manage to get anything similar. I work but on a low salary after a lot of years out as a sahm.

Ultimately I accept that it is my mother’s decision to do as she sees fit. I also realise there may be nothing left anyway as her house could end up being sold to cover care home fees. And I hope it goes without saying that I would rather hang on to my mum for as long as possible and be left with nothing (and I did say that to her at the time)

The thing is it’s playing on my mind and has been for months, for 2 reasons. Firstly the pandemic and our resulting financial situation which takes away from her point that it’s ok to do this because dh and I are comfortable, and secondly, because I’ve always felt she preferred my brother anyway. He’s been a Christian since we were young. I am not. I was a troubled teen who was a pain in the bum, and I obviously live a non Christian life now which she does not like. I know she loves me and we get on fine but deep down this feels like yet another sign that she views my brother differently to me. I feel I need to say something because I’m feeling quite bitter about it but I don’t know if that would be the right thing to do. It isn’t specifically about the money because I wouldn’t care if neither of us got anything, but to leave everything to my brother because of choices he made when he too could have a decent job and comfortable life just feels unfair.

Should I tell her how I feel or just leave it? It feels like a very awkward conversation to have. I genuinely believe I’m not entitled to anything, but also feel that if there is anything it should be split between me and my brother.

I assume he would sell and buy somewhere else
I’d be worried he’d sell it and donate the proceeds to the church.

OP you sound like a nice person. Have the conversation with your mum. I’d frame it that you are both her children and should both be left something as your circumstances aren’t actually that different.

Thats terrible, id be telling your mum about your feelings. Perhaps also remind her that her inheritance would support your own children, and you also if you happen to split from your husband. I'd also say it'll cause a rift and her treating you and your brother differently is very unchristian

Wow - OP, I'm really angry on your behalf

For the few posters who say 'it's her money, she can do what she likes with jt', would you still say that if OP and her DB were young children and her mum was giving DB pocket money / gifts / special treatment and not OP, because OP didn't go to church?

OP - you might not be able to change your mum's mind, but you can be frank with her and say it hurts, it will change your relationship with both her and your DB, and you would like her to reconsider.

@Veniemmanuel

I'm going to share an unpopular opinion. I think we are too obsessed with inheritance in this country. I think the entitlement we show to someone's possessions to the point of going on about dictating how they should leave equal amounts to everyone - for you to feel it is fair is just plain wrong. Why so your feelings supersede theirs, when it's their estate to share as they wish

A person's wishes should always be respected even more so when they are deceased. Why does it have to be "fair" especially with adult children? Surely if a person wants to leave an unequal division of assets then that is their prerogative and they shouldn't have to explain. Also I really hate the threat that "oh well they should get their 'favourite' to care for them then", surely you help someone you love because you love them not because you expect some sort of payment?

I don't know why I just can't get on board with the everyone else on this. And I'm not bothered how my parents split their assets either - even though it would be a life changing amount - nice to have yes but not something I have looked forward to or banked my life on. I have inherited nothing from grandparents while others did and I couldn't have possibly cared less. I'm more concerned with honouring the deceased's wishes. She didn't do it because she loved me any less, but because of she felt the money was needed by others more.

Unless foul play is suspected and someone had undue influence -I really think it's a waste of time and just wrong to quibble over someone's will and their choices.

I just really struggle to see why people feel so entitled that they can dictate a person's final wishes

I couldn’t agree more. I’m not British and I’m regularity astounded by the attitudes towards inheritance that I see here. The sense of entitlement is breath-taking. The expectation that one can dictate to someone else what to do with their money, and that people try and blackmail their parents about it is repulsive. The words ‘vile’ and ‘grim’ are overused here on mumsnet but I think they’re sometimes properly warranted in the inheritance discussions.

And it does make me wonder if those who insist on it being fair are those who’ve been raised from birth to think everything in life is fair- the ones whose parents bought each child a present on their siblings birthdays, the ones who spend the exact same on Christmas presents instead of setting a budget and buying gifts the receipients actually want within that budget and not going around buying unwanted crap just to even up the expenditure, as I’ve seen people admit to on here. I even read a post in which the poster still buys presents for all their adult children on every birthday and says she loves how all the adults look forward to their siblings birthdays cos they know they’ll get a gift from mum that day. I can see how if that’s the way someone has been raised they might perceive that everything has to be fair, but surely maturity and life experience teaches them that life is fundamentally unfair?

I am firmly in the camp of it's her money and she can do what she wants but she needs the info to make the decision. As a mother I understand she probably worries about what will happen to your brother in the future, will the church look after him when he can't work? The big but is that she probably doesn't realise how precarious your position is, particularly if she made these decisions pre covid.

Talk to her, it is usually the best way.

Please talk to your mum. Don't be embarrassed or ashamed. Please tell her how you feel, and what your fears for the future are especially wrt your dh's possibly very precarious work circumstances.

Please just trust her enough to talk to her. She's your mum, do you think she doesn't love you enough to hear what you feel?

It IS her money. She CAN do what she likes with it. Neither we nor OP have the power to change her will. Those are facts, not opinions.

OP is free to feel upset and to say so. We are free to think badly of the DM.

But is mistaken and confuses the issue, to conflate fact with opinion.

Just to be clear on the care needs thing - there is no expectation on my mums part there at all ... it wouldn’t be her style to be dependent on me or anyone

Fair enough - though I'd point out that many say this and think of it rather differently when the time comes, so I hope there'll be no lectures about "the christian thing to do"

TBH the fetishising of your DB's choices would make me a bit queasy, but of course it's his to make, just as the inheritance is your DM's
I only hope they're happy with them ...

My mother in law left everything she had to my husband and one of her daughters in her Will, leaving nothing to her other daughter (who, ironically, was the one who cared for her until she died). My husband and the sister who inherited, divided the money three ways to include the sister who had been left out. Maybe your brother might be so inclined?

It means .... rewarding those who serve God.

I really hope that Christianity does not mean this

As others have pointed out, it is the favouritism that is the issue, not the value of the estate.
Also the assumption that OP will do all the donkey work for no reward - work she would willingly do for no reward if her db wasn't clearly being favoured.
Along with the misapprehension that OP is comfortable and will remain comfortable for the rest of her life.
These need to be addressed as tactfully as possible. A PP suggested working out in advance what you need to say - I'd second that - a list of bullet points.

I'm sorry OP that your mum has done this. It must make you very sad

You certainly don’t need to be doing any care for your mum. She can sell her house/remortgage to fund this. Or your brother can come back if he wants to to save his inheritance. His choice.

My mum used to threaten crap like this, cut my brother out, cut me out.....we always said we’d share it if one person got one and i think we would have. She cut us both off in the end!

Has your brother decided to live his entire life with the church or does he have plans to return one day? If he stays with the church then I would assume that anything he inherited he would likely donate to the church since they have been covering his costs thus far.

It would be fair for your mum to split the inheritance equally and I do think it needs to be aired out. If she's made you aware of her decision in advance then you are entitled to let her know how you feel.

I think this is highly unfair. Especially as care looks like it would fall to you. This would heavily colour my view of my mother im afraid. Not something I would do to my DC.

My sibling worked abroad from being 18, recently moved home and is mortgage free (in a 300k house) at 36. She is married with 3 children and her husband works for their spending money while she stays home. They are currently very happy and have savings. DM does a lot of childcare for them, none for me (i dont ask). I am not mortgage free and am in the process of a divorce, which will make it very difficult for me to juggle work and DC etc. However I would never agree or approve of my DM leaving everything to me as i "need it more". Its unfair and it would not be something I support. Anything left to me unfairly would be split with siblings.

@butterry

Has your brother decided to live his entire life with the church or does he have plans to return one day? If he stays with the church then I would assume that anything he inherited he would likely donate to the church since they have been covering his costs thus far.

It would be fair for your mum to split the inheritance equally and I do think it needs to be aired out. If she's made you aware of her decision in advance then you are entitled to let her know how you feel.

I thought the same. That money is going to the church.

What Church is it btw op?

@CatMuffin there has been the odd case in England where the daughter would win - particularly if she would otherwise be dependent on the state for support when there is evidence of dependency on the deceased and the deceased left assets behind that she would have reasonably expected a portion of (eg offspring who cared for a parent but was excluded from the will).

[quote Genevieva]@CatMuffin there has been the odd case in England where the daughter would win - particularly if she would otherwise be dependent on the state for support when there is evidence of dependency on the deceased and the deceased left assets behind that she would have reasonably expected a portion of (eg offspring who cared for a parent but was excluded from the will).[/quote]
there has been some very interesting cases like this as you say.

The case law seems to be that Judges are sympathetic to the needs of the non-beneficiary.

It's a really interesting area of law, I think.

I dont think you're wrong to be upset. You should talk to her and explain that actually you're hurt that she's decided to favour your brother in her will and that actually you and your children are not in a great financial position but that you work very hard and a fair half of the inheritance would be massivle helpful I looking after her grandchildren and giving them better opportunities.

Also, let her know that as she gets older all responsibility for her is going to fall to you since your brother is at the other side of the world doing his own thing. Even if she lives in a care home someone will need to manage her finances, make sure the home is paid for and probably sell the house to pay for that care. And that you will be upset that your brother wont do any of this but will receive a vastly larger gift from your mother.

She can refuse to change it and you'll have to accept it but at least it wont be eating away at you as much

People bringing up the parable of the prodigal son again appear to have zero understanding of it

The analogy is that the OP is the prodigal son as she has turned away from Christianity (although she didn't go so far as to ask for half her inheritance in advance and squander it).

However the point of the parable of the prodigal son is that he regretted his decision to turn away, repented and came home to seek his fathers forgiveness which he then received with great generosity. He was treated as if he had never been away.

OP is not planning on repenting and becoming a Christian as far as I can see so the parable has no application to her situation. If the prodigal son had stayed in the far away land he would not have got the inheritance over again and that's theologically what OP is doing.

Again I am not saying she's done anything wrong. I probably would not do as her mum is doing despite being a Christian myself but her mum is not somehow a bad Christian for this decision.

it gets my goat when people use theology without no understanding of it.

@Ori3

Also......some posters seem to be missing the point. It’s not about a child feeling “entitled” to a share of the inheritance but more the deep feelings of rejection & pain that are caused by such a blatantly unfairly allocation of assets. It’s so cruel. Why leave one child with everything & the other with........nothing. What message is that sending?

The feelings of rejection, pain and unworthiness are a result of feeling entitled to something and not getting it. You feel entitled to an equal share of someone else's assets (which may or may not even be worth anything when they die -which makes the strife of fighting over it even more pointless).

You have no right to feel entitled to an equal share of something that does not belong to you. Especially as an adult child - anything you get from your parents past adulthood is a gift and not a right. If people let go of that entitlement and focused purely on their relationships with their family then you can never actually be disappointed by a will because anything is a positive.

It's actually disgusting to try to emotionally blackmail people into changing their wills or the way we as a country obsess over it. It's macabre, vile and beyond the pale. Threatening not to take care of them in at their most vulnerable or going LC or NC purely over inheritance. Don't do something because you are struggling or go LC or NC because you don't have a good relationship but not because you want money from them.

It's funny how people go on about not equating money to love until inheritance time then suddenly money is now used as a measure of love to insist things be "fair" so you can pocket a few extra £.

Surely your relationship with family is based on love, shared history and a relationship you cultivate based on common ground. You do things for family and friends because you love them not because you are expecting a payday.

I think some people are so focused on the money they can't see the emotional hurt of being told you don't matter to your parents.

For those saying they could not consider this and would always divide equally, would you really do this if one of your children was a multi millionaire and the other was living on benefits and renting a home. I know that is extreme but I am testing whether there are nuances to this or whether people would just divide equally whatever the circumstances

I would. What my children do with it after that is their concern.
Although if one won millions on the Lottery or had much more than the other I think they would give it to the other even if I only left it to one.

Dd who is the elder would share her pocket money with her brother so they both had the same amount. Equally Ds when he has been fortunate and got a lot of money from some work he will share it out.

They have seen both myself and their father miss out on a parents inheritance. We have never mentioned anything about money and who got what when their gf died but did question us and they know their gm will be cutting us out of her will and everything will go to their uncle who has a house, very good pension and huge savings as “he has looked after his money”
Dd said she thinks most people would have what he has if they never went out, bought clothes, hadn’t married, had children or had a life altering illness that had meant no income for 2.5 years and cost in total nearer £400,000 through lost wages and having to pay for treatment.

My parents told me from a young age to not expect anything. My cousins have been set up in business and houses bought on the back of me growing up with a mother who wrote down everything she spent on me over the years. She had a ledger where every nappy, ice cream and portion of food I had was noted down and totted up for the New Year’s Day announcement.

All those who think it's fine, it's up to the OP's Mum, she can do with it what she want... surely... it's all about the legacy left behind after the mother has died.
I would feel rejected, and it's not about the money, it's about the last will and testament and the message I would be left with.

The PP talking of life not being fair and I bet we used to buy presents for the child whose birthday it wasn't and all of that. No. No. No. I have adult DCs, they know life is bloody unfair at times. They know this well enough through work, relationships etc. And it's something I have always emphasised with my lot. But no way would I disinherit one ever.

because circumstances change

It's not about a payday. It's about a mother favouring one child over another for reasons I can't get my head round. The OP has every right to be very upset about this. It's like not being acknowledged and how ironic she is Executor and all that entails. So she's fine doing the donkey work with her Mum, but not god enough to be acknowledged in her Will.

I think the purest Christian thing to do would be to leave the assets to the church or to charity.

Jesus told the rich young man he should sell all his goods and give them to the poor. The early church fathers divided all their goods between them in a rather communist fashion and looked out for widows and the poor.

A genuine Christian outlook would
be 'do not store up for yourself treasures on earth where moths destroy and thieves break in and steal but store up for yourself treasure in heaven'

And 'The love of money is the root of all evil'

So all those people saying it's somehow unchristian of her to leave the house unequally. Well it's pretty unchristian of her to leave the house to her kids at all on a truly biblical view. If pushed she'll probably realise that and leave it all to the church.

And it does make me wonder if those who insist on it being fair are those who’ve been raised from birth to think everything in life is fair
It does make me wonder if those who defend unequal treatment of siblings in a will were the spoiled golden child of the family who were given favourable treatment as a child at the expense of the scapegoat of the family and spoiled and grabby enough as an adult to expect the same from the will. You can see why they want to defend unequal treatment. Very unedifying

It does make me wonder if those who defend unequal treatment of siblings in a will were the spoiled golden child of the family who were given favourable treatment as a child at the expense of the scapegoat of the family and spoiled and grabby enough as an adult to expect the same from the will. You can see why they want to defend unequal treatment

Exactly! I was about to post and say... unless you have lived in a family where one sibling was the absolute favourite, you really cannot understand how something like this could be so hurtful.
I have. And I know what it feels like