Do I tell my mum how I’m feeling about inheritance situation?

[MarcelineMissouri]

Earlier this year my mum sat me down and explained she’d decided to leave her house to my brother instead of to both of us. That will basically be the bulk of the inheritance. There will not really be anything else. Due to location it’s a relatively expensive house though. Her reason for this is that my brother has no money and dh and I are comfortable financially.

My brother lives abroad and works for the church. The church support him - he makes no money. My mother is a committed Christian and is extremely supportive of this. He is very bright and talented with a Russell Group degree - in other words this lifestyle is completely his choice and not for lack of other opportunities.

Dh and I are comfortable but not rich. In addition his job has become quite precarious because of the pandemic. It will probably remain precarious for sometime so who knows what the future holds. The industry he has worked his whole life in is being decimated so if he did lose his job it’s unlikely he’d manage to get anything similar. I work but on a low salary after a lot of years out as a sahm.

Ultimately I accept that it is my mother’s decision to do as she sees fit. I also realise there may be nothing left anyway as her house could end up being sold to cover care home fees. And I hope it goes without saying that I would rather hang on to my mum for as long as possible and be left with nothing (and I did say that to her at the time)

The thing is it’s playing on my mind and has been for months, for 2 reasons. Firstly the pandemic and our resulting financial situation which takes away from her point that it’s ok to do this because dh and I are comfortable, and secondly, because I’ve always felt she preferred my brother anyway. He’s been a Christian since we were young. I am not. I was a troubled teen who was a pain in the bum, and I obviously live a non Christian life now which she does not like. I know she loves me and we get on fine but deep down this feels like yet another sign that she views my brother differently to me. I feel I need to say something because I’m feeling quite bitter about it but I don’t know if that would be the right thing to do. It isn’t specifically about the money because I wouldn’t care if neither of us got anything, but to leave everything to my brother because of choices he made when he too could have a decent job and comfortable life just feels unfair.

Should I tell her how I feel or just leave it? It feels like a very awkward conversation to have. I genuinely believe I’m not entitled to anything, but also feel that if there is anything it should be split between me and my brother.

The inheritance should be split equally between you and your brother. Your DB doesn’t work and earn money BY CHOICE. If your DM wants to avoid a horrific fallout over the inheritance, then she needs to treat her DC equally.

It does make me wonder if those who defend unequal treatment of siblings in a will were the spoiled golden child of the family who were given favourable treatment as a child at the expense of the scapegoat of the family and spoiled and grabby enough as an adult to expect the same from the will. You can see why they want to defend unequal treatment. Very unedifying.

Yes, you might well have a point there. Some of the comments on here are really not nice.

Or else they demonstrate a woeful lack of insight at how it might affect someone to have been the 'scapegoat' all their lives and how it might be a final kick in the teeth to see their 'golden child' sibling inherit everything and themselves nothing.

Or perhaps they have a favoured golden child themselves and they intend to favour them in the will over the child they scapegoat, to complete the rejection.

dougrossis - I think it's more Christian to leave to charity like Salvation Army than to the Church. The Catholic Church is very wealthy and Church of England used to be.

Explain to your mum:

1. If you ever divorce, you won’t be financially comfortable.

1. It’s your DB’s choice to live his lifestyle and not have any savings.

1. If she loves both her DC and doesn’t want you to fall out with each other, then she should treat you equally.

For those saying they could not consider this and would always divide equally, would you really do this if one of your children was a multi millionaire and the other was living on benefits and renting a home

In those circumstances I'd probably have been helping the less fortunate one while I was still here, in a way that could be talked over with everyone - but yes, the actual will would split whatever was left equally

As PPs have said it's not so much about the money as the message it sends, and personally I wouldn't be comfortable with this mum's choices

If people let go of that entitlement and focused purely on their relationships with their family then you can never actually be disappointed by a will because anything is a positive

But what if you get nothing.

It isn’t about what people think they are entitled to. It is the nuance that what being cut out implies.
That when it came to writing down the most important people in their lives your parent doesn’t even mention you unless it was to say why they feel you don’t deserve anything.

I think deep down the relationship a parent has with a child is deeply flawed if when it comes to writing a will they cut out one child or treat another differently

Whilst the adult child might think they have a good relationship with the parent I would be questioning how good it actually is if the focus is on their sibling

Dp loved his parents. Would do anything for them. Treated them to holidays and trips and meals out. I don’t think it crossed his mind that he wouldnt be treated equally when it came to wills. Not that he was after the money as he hoped they would carry on for ever.
But I warned him years ago that he would get nothing from them as I saw the interactions between him and his parents and his parents and his brother.
Just slight looks and the words they used when talking to or about Dp or his brother.
It still came as a shock to him that he will get nothing from Dmil when she goes.

It does make me wonder if those who defend unequal treatment of siblings in a will were the spoiled golden child of the family who were given favourable treatment as a child at the expense of the scapegoat of the family and spoiled and grabby enough as an adult to expect the same from the will. You can see why they want to defend unequal treatment. Very unedifying

Or perhaps they have a favoured golden child themselves and they intend to favour them in the will over the child they scapegoat, to complete the rejection

Nice try, but nope. I’ve already posted that I know my parents wills favour one sibling significantly more than the rest of us. I don’t know why they’ve chosen to do that, and I will never ask. I respect that they had/have their reasons. It hasn’t altered my relationship with my parents, nor with the sibling in question. My attitude is that it’s their money to do what they wish with, and I have no right to more than, less than or equal to my sibling.

And I am childfree so there will be no adult offspring of mine blackmailing me or falling out over what I decide to do with my money. Unedifying indeed.

Nope not a golden child. As I said I have lost out on inheritances but I have never felt upset or hard done by because the deceased had their reasons and my opinion of them isn't what matters -theirs is. I also don't live my life speculating what my parents may or may not leave me. That does not occupy an ounce of space in my mind. Their wishes are exactly that. I also have placed zero judgement on the OP's mother whether I think what she is doing is right or wrong doesn't matter but she deserves her wishes to be respected and carried out.

I have one DC left out of 3 so no favourite to pick from there. If all DC were alive they would still be minors and would have an equal split but that would change as they got older because the youngest would be the most disadvantaged. It would all depend on a variety of factors wouldn't it so I can't say with the same certainty that everyone has that it would be an equal split or slightly unequal or not.

But I still think it is ridiculous to think you can tell someone they must leave you an equal division of your own assets. That would really put me off and make you seem money hungry and not at all genuine in my eyes.

It's not really a choice that your brother made. It's a calling and involves sacrifice. There is a special responsibility for Christians to support people who are in that position. It gets very difficult for them when they older and without a good pension etc.

I can see why your mum has done this. I know you can't see it.

Totally reasonable for you to feel hurt by this, imo.

No doubt your brother and any of his church cronies (sorry, I know that's emotive language) who hear about it will see his inheritance as proof of God providing.

YABU. Its her money. You know where you stand. She's never going to help you out. Just another Christian deluded into thinking supporting an institution is the right thing to do.

Have not read the whole thread, but agree with the principle of splitting inheritance equally. Just wanted to add in the option of a deed of variation.

Basically, without giving any outing details, we had a similar situation in my family with two siblings in vastly different wealth brackets. The parents definitely wanted to leave the money equally for all the excellent reasons pp have mentioned. And it was important to the wealthier sibling that the equal love was demonstrated like this. But when the time came, the wealthy sibling used a deed of variation to reallocate the money to the less well off sibling, so in fact the less well off sibling ended up inheriting virtually everything,

Not saying this would work in all families, but it’s something that can be considered

Of course there is a simple solution: make sure the estate is consumed during her lifetime.

• equity release for DM to go on holiday
• the best care home (Bupa do some very nice ones)
• hot and cold running carers

No one can complain.

It isn’t about what people think they are entitled to. It is the nuance that what being cut out implies.
That when it came to writing down the most important people in their lives your parent doesn’t even mention you unless it was to say why they feel you don’t deserve anything.

The OP has not been cut out - she has been left a lesser share. She said the majority of the estate is the house not the entire estate. She is mentioned in the will. It is only a problem if she makes it one.

I never thought people genuinely lived their lives waiting for an inheritance but reading this thread is an even more disturbing reminder that people do -which is puzzling and a just an incredible waste of time and effort as you can never (nor should you) control another person's wishes.

Its not a "calling" it is entirely a lifestyle choice. Tosh.

Aah! mothers and their sons! They can get a bit funny about this kind of thing. It is unfair, but as you say OP, it is hers to leave as she sees fit. However, you should say your piece to her, so that she hears and hopefully understands your point of view, and you have a chance to say it. You could even point out that if she needs help or care in future, it is more likely that it will be you, not him, that provides it. Some mothers get quite subjective about sons, but can sometimes take their daughters more for granted. Tell her what you think. You only have to say it once, then let it rest.

[quote MarcelineMissouri]@Meraas yes we have a mortgage.

DB lives on the other side of the world and only comes back every few years. He has no plans to return. I know any care my mum needs will fall to me which is fine, I love her and she is lovely, and has done so much for me, but yes that probably won’t help with the feeling of bitterness![/quote]
Don't be such a mug
He is The golden child who gets to receive all the money and not do any of the work
You're the bad one who will have to mop up all her shit
That's why she is devaluing you like this, you deserve nothing therefore you are a lowly person who has to do the care work

@GnomeDePlume

Of course there is a simple solution: make sure the estate is consumed during her lifetime.

• equity release for DM to go on holiday
• the best care home (Bupa do some very nice ones)
• hot and cold running carers

No one can complain.

Yeah Do this

@GnomeDePlume

Of course there is a simple solution: make sure the estate is consumed during her lifetime.

• equity release for DM to go on holiday
• the best care home (Bupa do some very nice ones)
• hot and cold running carers

No one can complain.

That has reminded me, about 20 years ago or so, I remember seeing ads in weekly magazines, the likes of Bella etc, an elderly woman had taken out a full page ad on a repeating basis, essentially saying she was going to spend her money by doing so, so that there would be nothing left for her family, because they were fighting and arguing about it while she was alive and she was disgusted by them so determined to spend all her money. While I think she went about it in an extreme way, I have a certain respect for her.

@Veniemmanuel

*It isn’t about what people think they are entitled to. It is the nuance that what being cut out implies. That when it came to writing down the most important people in their lives your parent doesn’t even mention you unless it was to say why they feel you don’t deserve anything.*

The OP has not been cut out - she has been left a lesser share. She said the majority of the estate is the house not the entire estate. She is mentioned in the will. It is only a problem if she makes it one.

I never thought people genuinely lived their lives waiting for an inheritance but reading this thread is an even more disturbing reminder that people do -which is puzzling and a just an incredible waste of time and effort as you can never (nor should you) control another person's wishes.

Actually I said in my op that the house was the bulk of the estate and there wasn’t really anything else. DM lives frugally on her pension and a small amount of savings. She owns the house outright. However it’s not about the total value of what I may or may not get left that’s the issue. And I’m certainly not sat waiting for the inheritance. I would rather have my mum around.

I do know of a will where a sibling was excluded. The sibling who inherited simply took everything as the funds were released (it was a complicated estate) and split is straight down the middle. She could see that excluding the sibling was wrong and made sure that wrong was corrected.

I am very tempted to take my own advice and make sure that DM's estate is consumed during her lifetime (have to get a wiggle on as she is 83). This will annoy the hell out of my DB! He isnt hoping to inherit but he is hoping to be in control of an unnecessary trust fund.

I can see how your mum might be worried about him having nowhere to live when he can no longer work & if the church can't support him at that time.

Especially if he can't even draw a pension.

But she could have split the house with a bigger share to him or left it to your kids with him being allowed to live in it.

@Roussette

All those who think it's fine, it's up to the OP's Mum, she can do with it what she want... surely... it's all about the legacy left behind after the mother has died. I would feel rejected, and it's not about the money, it's about the last will and testament and the message I would be left with.

The PP talking of life not being fair and I bet we used to buy presents for the child whose birthday it wasn't and all of that. No. No. No. I have adult DCs, they know life is bloody unfair at times. They know this well enough through work, relationships etc. And it's something I have always emphasised with my lot. But no way would I disinherit one ever.

because circumstances change

It's not about a payday. It's about a mother favouring one child over another for reasons I can't get my head round. The OP has every right to be very upset about this. It's like not being acknowledged and how ironic she is Executor and all that entails. So she's fine doing the donkey work with her Mum, but not god enough to be acknowledged in her Will.

So she's fine doing the donkey work with her mum, but not good enough to be acknowledged in her will But that's the whole point, because she is the worthless bad one she has to do the menial low status work and not receive any money because bad people don't deserve money the golden boy must always keep his hands clean and must receive all the money ....because he is the golden boy

Again, people are ignoring the difference between an inheritance from 'a relative' and how you are treated by your parents.