To think SIL is being awkward about this?

[emptybaskets]

Generally we have always got on fine but I have found her to be awkward/unreasonable if things don’t go her way or if we don’t/can’t fit in with her schedule.

It was my nieces birthday on Tuesday and I’ve been trying to drop off her presents since with no luck. The reason being is because I work full time (very long hours and a 3hr commute all round). I don’t normally get home until around 7:30. On Tuesday they were understandably busy, Wednesday they were going out for a meal and leaving the house at 6pm, Thursday my eldest niece had dance activities and they wouldn’t be home until after 9pm, which would mean I’d have to come back out of the house and drive to them.

I suggested tonight as I knew they didn’t have any plans and asked if I could call in on my way home from work for 10 mins at around 7:30 to drop off presents and see niece open them. SIL said no because she goes to bed at 8 and asked if I could come tomorrow or Sunday instead. I’m on a training course all day tomorrow and Sunday I have plans with my own family. I’ve ended up sending a message saying “will drop presents off @ 7:30 and leave them by the door”, she responded with “okay thanks I’ll video niece opening them and send it to you”

AIBU to think she’s being extremely awkward, unreasonable, ungrateful and just a bit nasty actually? If she is going to let her open them tonight when I’ve dropped them off (30 mins before bedtime so plenty of time and can tell her she can play with them in the morning, she’s generally a good girl so will understand), then why can’t she let me come in for 10 minutes and watch her open them? I can’t imagine doing this myself if someone had gone to the effort to buy my children presents and drop them off, I would at least invite them in for a quick chat.

(Side note - I leave the house most days at 6:30 so can’t go there on my way to work just incase someone suggests). I do think because she only works part time she doesn't always understand that I can't just drop everything to work around her schedule.

OP, I'm confused why you keep saying you gave her five, she gave you one. If I'm right, you have a 1.5 hour window where you can come over. It wasn't convenient on any of the weeknights, so they said what about Saturday or Sunday (when you'd have all day), but you were busy both days.

Charitably, you offered four and then they offered two. (Though, frankly, if you're really talking in terms of hours, you offered 6 hours spread over four days, and they presumably offered about 20 hours spread over two.)

In other words, this really, really isn't a big deal. And she's not being awkward--no more awkward than you insisting on only meeting on a weeknight between 7.30 and 9.00 pm.

Many thanks @Trut

[quote emptybaskets]@CorianderQueen No where have I said that she doesn't have other things to do and that looking after children isn't hard work but she's given me a 1 day window, which just so happens to be my only day off this week. I think she is just being awkward for the sake of it but I guess I'm the only one who thinks that. [/quote]
So you don't care enough to go over on your day off and are angry she won't change her routine while you are unwilling to change your own?

You're a hypocrite

@CorianderQueen my only day off... she gets 5 to do homework, clean/tidy house, run errands etc. She couldn't let me come in for 5 minutes, I think that saids a lot about her personally. I think she was awkward. I tried my best. I won't put in so much effort next time, shame for my niece but it is what it is.

My brother has absolutely nothing to do with her. Contact is via my mum in regards to the girls. I can see why, she is difficult.

I think YABU to take your resentment of your SIL out on your niece next time it's her birthday. Why would you put less effort in for a child you love simply because their parent made you feel put out? It's the parent you're upset with, don't be that petty person.

She offered you a day and you're unwilling to go. So that's that, she's not unreasonable.

I still don't understand how you can't see why it's unreasonable to show up 20 mins before her bed time? And expect to get her all hyper? Throwing your toys out the pram, and saying you'll post money next year and make no effort is just hilarious. You have over reacted to the extreme.

I think she's being a bit rude - you said you've gone to the effort of buying a present and she doesn't appear to care or acknowledge this - the present is simply expected.

@emptybaskets

My brother has absolutely nothing to do with her. Contact is via my mum in regards to the girls. I can see why, she is difficult.

So why wouldn’t you give the presents when your niece was with your brother or your mum if your SIL is so difficult?

To be honest, if she never sees your brother and contact is difficult, it’s quite lucky she’s still happy for his family to visit at her house.

So would your niece have wanted to see you for a bit or not ???

suppose I would have to pick a time convenient for myself because I work. I'm not sure why that makes me selfish?

So you didn't prioritise her. It's selfish to expect others to change for your convenience and not respect their family space. They give you a convenience opportunity to drop it off, but you took it upon yourself that your family time was more important and you wanted to invade theirs.

Are you being awkward for not wanting to go over on Sunday or is it just not convenient as you have plans ??

What do you suggest I do in future, book a week off so that SIL has 7 days to choose from? Honestly.
A tad dramatic again, no just give them a call a week ahead saying which day is best for me to come as I know you don't like me coming of a night disturbing my niece going to bed, which weekend day is best ???

Personally I think you are being deliberately obtuse.
I am most definitely not being obtuse, I can't stand it when people simply can't see how selfish they are being, especially when it involves someone else's child at someone else's house. It's rude.

I've done my very best to accommodate her all week, she's said no

No, no you haven't, she was busy. She doesn't need accommodating, she doesn't want anything it's you who's hell bent on going to the house, it's her kid and her house. You haven't done anything other than mother about a present all week, and then turned up when she didn't want you to., that's not accommodating.

Not sure why tonight would have "worked for my niece" when she let her open the presents before bedtime anyway, and she still went to bed at 8pm with no problem.
I will ask again then, had you gone in the house would your niece not have wanted to see you for more than 5 minutes though ??

Being called selfish because I wanted to hug my niece is the most bizarre thing I think I've ever heard.
Wanting a hug in itself, is of course ,not selfish but to expect the other person to be put out in order to facilitate that hug is or to push the issue when the child's mother has told you the best time for said hug, but you try to force the issue anyway is selfish

I don't think you are being unreasonable. You asked her for ten minutes of her time,which isn't alot. She should have appreciated you attempting to deliver the gifts all week and let you pop in very quickly. I do think she is being a little petty.

I think SIL is being spectacularly rude. In the real world, which is somewhat different to MN, if someone goes to the trouble of buying your child presents and dropping them off after a long day at work, you let them in, thank them and make them a cuppa. Even if you would prefer to just get your child to bed on time.
Your SIL has no manners OP. I'd make less effort next year.

In the real world, which is somewhat different to MN, if someone goes to the trouble of buying your child presents and dropping them off after a long day at work, you let them in, thank them and make them a cuppa.

Even when it’s against covid rules?

[quote emptybaskets]@CeeceeBloomingdale I am hearing her but I think you've missed the part where I said she was out having a meal on Tuesday and Wednesday night and Thursday they were out until after 9pm (not concerned about bedtime then) doing activities. It's only tonight that she's been concerned about the bedtime routine. [/quote]
No I didn't miss it at all. They were celebrating her birthday and, as I stated, after an exciting few days they now need to get back to a normal bed time routine. Two or three days of change mean a return to norm as soon as possible is needed to catch up on missed sleep and for less excitement.

Like your SIL I work part time and probably had more strict bedtimes than friends who worked full time and allowed their children to stay up later as they has left time at home. Neither is wrong but you seem very annoyed that they won't accommodate you in a way that doesn't suit them. And that's completely ignoring the huge issue of covid and that you shouldn't even be there.

In all honesty Purple probably. Unless the family was especiallyvulnerable and not seeing anyone. If the SIL was respecting the rules herself, then I might get take a different view on whether the OP was being unreasonable given the particular circumstances. But the woman has had a party for her child, so clearly isn't that bothered about Covid.

Just post them then

I wouldn’t want visitors 30 min before bedtime. Especially as your niece has probably had a few busy days being her birthday. You are being rude and thick about it.

I suspect the underlying issue here is that the OP sees her FT job as Very Important and her life as much harder than SIL's, and her SIL's PT job, more SAHM-esque home life, presumable receipt of UC/child maintenance, etc. etc. as luxuriously flexible.

The SIL not accommodating her is therefore a slap in her hard-working, tax-paying, non-bon-bon-eating face. Hence the huffing about various villages at gone 7 o'clock on a Friday evening to passive aggressively hand-deliver a parcel, the existence of the postal service notwithstanding.

But the woman has had a party for her child, so clearly isn't that bothered about Covid.

I’m not totally sure on that. I could see someone rationalising that all the kids at the party (making wild assumption) were in the same school bubble so there’s no extra risk at a party. An adult travelling for three hours a day on public transport might present a much greater risk.

I accept that’s wild speculation though!

YABU to say that you’re going to make less effort and to immediately go to the extreme of just a card and money. It’s perfectly possible to go for alternatives in the middle (eg an appropriate present in the mail).

Can we have a rule that posters - including those in England of course - say which country they are in in the OP, if the post in any way involves visiting relatives or similar?

Would save several posts about this at the beginning!

Overall I think YABU OP. I don’t quite understand why “my only day off” is sacred when you say you would only go in for a short time, but you don’t extend the same to bedtimes.

Evenings are an awkward time for visitors. You obviously can't visit on the days when you work but you were offered a day when you weren't working but that didn't suit either. Why couldn't you find 10 minutes on that day to see her? Few family outings go on for that long at the moment. I'm also surprised you didn't drop off a small child's present before her birthday

Coronavirus isn't behaving any differently in Wales. It's still not a good idea to visit others unless it's absolutely necessary.

Beside which, SiL's message sounds completely reasonable (but not sure why the present opening needs to be filmed?). You sound like the awkward one OP.