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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think SIL is being awkward about this?

412 replies

emptybaskets · 27/11/2020 16:20

Generally we have always got on fine but I have found her to be awkward/unreasonable if things don’t go her way or if we don’t/can’t fit in with her schedule.

It was my nieces birthday on Tuesday and I’ve been trying to drop off her presents since with no luck. The reason being is because I work full time (very long hours and a 3hr commute all round). I don’t normally get home until around 7:30. On Tuesday they were understandably busy, Wednesday they were going out for a meal and leaving the house at 6pm, Thursday my eldest niece had dance activities and they wouldn’t be home until after 9pm, which would mean I’d have to come back out of the house and drive to them.

I suggested tonight as I knew they didn’t have any plans and asked if I could call in on my way home from work for 10 mins at around 7:30 to drop off presents and see niece open them. SIL said no because she goes to bed at 8 and asked if I could come tomorrow or Sunday instead. I’m on a training course all day tomorrow and Sunday I have plans with my own family. I’ve ended up sending a message saying “will drop presents off @ 7:30 and leave them by the door”, she responded with “okay thanks I’ll video niece opening them and send it to you”

AIBU to think she’s being extremely awkward, unreasonable, ungrateful and just a bit nasty actually? If she is going to let her open them tonight when I’ve dropped them off (30 mins before bedtime so plenty of time and can tell her she can play with them in the morning, she’s generally a good girl so will understand), then why can’t she let me come in for 10 minutes and watch her open them? I can’t imagine doing this myself if someone had gone to the effort to buy my children presents and drop them off, I would at least invite them in for a quick chat.

(Side note - I leave the house most days at 6:30 so can’t go there on my way to work just incase someone suggests). I do think because she only works part time she doesn't always understand that I can't just drop everything to work around her schedule.

OP posts:
Rhiannon13 · 27/11/2020 21:44

In the real world, which is somewhat different to MN, if someone goes to the trouble of buying your child presents and dropping them off after a long day at work, you let them in, thank them and make them a cuppa.

The more this goes on, the longer we all have to suffer restrictions due to this fucking virus. Bloody hell, what's so hard to understand????

Dozer · 27/11/2020 21:48

YABU, weeknights are inconvenient, just give DN the gift next time you see her and can spend proper time.

Your working and commuting hours aren’t relevant!

Dozer · 27/11/2020 21:49

V short visits from relatives they like to see are really crap for DC, too.

emptybaskets · 27/11/2020 22:06

Not sure why everyone is ignoring the fact that I did try to drop off the present BEFORE her birthday but SIL was unavailable then to. Bloody hell, can't please some people. And yes I've had a few wines. Like I said, just glad niece was happy with the present but my SIL is a pain in the arse and I cba to accommodate her shitty ridiculous rigid schedule anymore.

Nothing to do with the fact that I work full time @WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC and I don't think I'm better than anyone else at all. She can get her money from wherever she pleases it makes no difference to my life what so ever! I stated a fact that she has more free time than me. Doesn't mean I think I'm better than her.

OP posts:
TheDowagerDuchess · 27/11/2020 22:06

I agree very short visits and weeknight visits to DC are not brilliant.

emptybaskets · 27/11/2020 22:08

@Dozer well it is relevant in a sense that I don't have 24 hours a day to just drop off a present. Jesus Christ

OP posts:
emptybaskets · 27/11/2020 22:09

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously thank you! I see we're cut from the same cloth.

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 27/11/2020 22:12

You clearly don’t really like your sil and therefore you think that she is being awkward and difficult.

That’s ok. It’s totally fine to not like people and be annoyed by them.

bellie710 · 27/11/2020 22:15

Why don't you just post them to her, saves everyone a lot of hassle!

BoyTree · 27/11/2020 22:21

Have I misunderstood? It sounds like you couldn't do this weekend and you were the one who said that you would forgo a visit and just drop the presents outside this evening. If I were her and you weren't around on Sunday, I would maybe expect you to suggest a day next week - you chose to drop them tonight when she had already said it wasn't convenient for you to come in, so she perhaps assumed that you were happy with that option since you suggested it (I can't see that your SIL suggested you drop the gift and leave at any point?).

If you wanted to see your niece, why not suggest another day that hadn't already been ruled out? It can take time to make arrangements with people, but I think you gave the impression that you had decided not to worry about finding a time you could actually spend time together and drop the present off instead on this occasion.

MiddlesexGirl · 27/11/2020 22:26

She sounds unreasonable and not very friendly to me.
So dc can stay up late other nights of the week but not Friday.
And you can make a 3 hour trip and not even be let in for 10 minutes?
Probably more to do with your brother than you.
Sadly for your dn, I wouldn't be bothered to make that much effort again.

Isthisnothing · 27/11/2020 22:29

I cannot believe the replies I'm reading here. Thankfully my SIL is a living angel and would not in a million years ask me to leave stuff at the door and not let me in. How on earth can people think that's not rude? And to make it even worse the OP is travelling on the bus.

SIL is not living to a very strict schedule / worrying about covid as there have been various social engagements this week. And what is weird about wanting to give the presents personally after going to the effort of picking them out?

And before anyone assumes I have no children therefore I don't understand - I do have a child and I would never ever suggest to anyone (nevermind a family member) they travel to my home and leave a present at the door.

EarringsandLipstick · 27/11/2020 22:30

I agree completely @Isthisnothing

Some of the responses OP has got are mind-boggling.

Lightsontbut · 27/11/2020 22:31

And before anyone assumes I have no children therefore I don't understand - I do have a child and I would never ever suggest to anyone (nevermind a family member) they travel to my home and leave a present at the door.

That's not what the SIL suggested. That was the OP's ideas. I think the SIL suggested that the OP come by at the weekend when there was enough time to see each other properly. The OP did not want that though as this was not convenient for them.

Isthisnothing · 27/11/2020 22:35

@Lightsontbut

And before anyone assumes I have no children therefore I don't understand - I do have a child and I would never ever suggest to anyone (nevermind a family member) they travel to my home and leave a present at the door.

That's not what the SIL suggested. That was the OP's ideas. I think the SIL suggested that the OP come by at the weekend when there was enough time to see each other properly. The OP did not want that though as this was not convenient for them.

SIL suggested one day, it didn't suit op so SIL told her to leave them at the door. This is insanely rude! Open the goddamn door and invite her in. When I brought my baby home from hospital, people came with presents, some neighbours I had never met before, I wouldn't have left anyone standing outside nevermind a family member who I knew would be keen to see her niece.
MiddlesexGirl · 27/11/2020 22:35

Given that OP had made numerous suggestions as to when to drop off the parcel and sil only gave one opportunity for OP to come in, which would have involved a time consuming journey on the one day when OP gets to see her own DC for any length of time, I can totally understand why that wasn't convenient for OP.

BoyTree · 27/11/2020 22:41

so SIL told her to leave them at the door

That's not what the OP says - it sounded like the SIL was still trying to arrange a date and the OP was the one who suggested just dropping them at the door and leaving. The SIL simply agreed, possible because she thought the OP actually wanted to do that given that they had already ruled out this evening as an option. It doesn't sound like the OP actually said 'I can't do this weekend and tonight would be much easier - can I just pop in for 10 minutes?', she went straight to the suggestion of dropping them off outside.

emptybaskets · 27/11/2020 22:42

@MiddlesexGirl this is what I've been saying all along but you worded it perfectly. Thank you

@BoyTree how many times should I have tried to arrange to see them though? I'm not trying to argue with you, that is a genuine question. I tried for a week, albeit it was during the evening and not for very long (as most of the posters have pointed out) but I have tried all week to see them. There is a point where you just give up which is what I did tonight. I appreciate they have had plans all week but tonight they did not and all I asked was for 10 minutes of their time to drop off a present and wish my niece a happy birthday. I don't think that was an outrageous request really in the grand scheme of things.

OP posts:
emptybaskets · 27/11/2020 22:43

@BoyTree to add, it would only be the same situation next week, and the week after that as I always work really long hours.

OP posts:
emptybaskets · 27/11/2020 22:45

@BoyTree sorry for the constant tags! I did tell SIL I couldn't come this weekend, she didn't offer an alternative so I then just suggested dropping them off outside as I wasn't sure what else I could do at that point if she wouldn't let me come in tonight.

OP posts:
BoyTree · 27/11/2020 22:46

Well, it depends how important it is to you. You suggested times that didn't work for them, they suggested times that didn't work for you, and then it sounds like you kind of ended the discussion at that point when you said you would just drop them off. Did you tell them that this weekend didn't work for you and you only wanted to pop in for 10 minutes tonight? Because honestly, I would probably do a lot more back and forth before giving up because we would never see anyone if we gave up after one suggestion each., especially since this has been an unusually busy week for them with birthday celebrations.

BoyTree · 27/11/2020 22:48

I can totally see your point of view, but I just worry that your SIL genuinely thinks that you are happy with dropping and running since it was your suggestion. It would just be a shame for you to be furious with her if it might have turned out that she would have been happy to have you come in if she'd realised that it was going to be so hard to find another time.

Happyheartlovelife · 27/11/2020 23:33

You’re not understanding what people are saying

You say it was unfair and selfish. Because you couldn’t drop it off 5 times it was convenient for you. End of

She gave you Saturday and SUnday. So two whole days. They weren’t convenient for you

You say you shouldn’t drop your family days. But expect them to let you see your niece to watch her unwrap presents and give her a hug. Yet the days you offered. Weren’t convenient to her

Maybe she was tired tonight. Seeing as she’s had a very busy birthday week. I know you’re in wales. But I imagine there’s still a pandemic in wales. Though your rules are different.

She just said. I’d rather you not tonight. But come on the weekend

You say you need to prioritise her family. She might be doing the exact same thing?

So if you’re doing the exact same thing. Who is wrong?

BaileyBailu · 27/11/2020 23:35

Your brother doesn't have anything to do with her? If she's his ex partner she's not your sister in law and imo has been way too accommodating to your weird family. Just leave her alone and sort presents with your brother.

Happyheartlovelife · 27/11/2020 23:37

My previous post was ignored

But you say you haven’t seen her all week. So I assume you saw her last week? So surely you could of done the present giving then? That was to both your convenience?

95% have said you’re being unreasonable. Yet in true mumsnet fashion. The op goes

Nooooooooooo. Ok I’m unreasonable. Then noooo. It’s her. She’s difficult!!! How dare she only offer me all weekend!

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