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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think SIL is being awkward about this?

412 replies

emptybaskets · 27/11/2020 16:20

Generally we have always got on fine but I have found her to be awkward/unreasonable if things don’t go her way or if we don’t/can’t fit in with her schedule.

It was my nieces birthday on Tuesday and I’ve been trying to drop off her presents since with no luck. The reason being is because I work full time (very long hours and a 3hr commute all round). I don’t normally get home until around 7:30. On Tuesday they were understandably busy, Wednesday they were going out for a meal and leaving the house at 6pm, Thursday my eldest niece had dance activities and they wouldn’t be home until after 9pm, which would mean I’d have to come back out of the house and drive to them.

I suggested tonight as I knew they didn’t have any plans and asked if I could call in on my way home from work for 10 mins at around 7:30 to drop off presents and see niece open them. SIL said no because she goes to bed at 8 and asked if I could come tomorrow or Sunday instead. I’m on a training course all day tomorrow and Sunday I have plans with my own family. I’ve ended up sending a message saying “will drop presents off @ 7:30 and leave them by the door”, she responded with “okay thanks I’ll video niece opening them and send it to you”

AIBU to think she’s being extremely awkward, unreasonable, ungrateful and just a bit nasty actually? If she is going to let her open them tonight when I’ve dropped them off (30 mins before bedtime so plenty of time and can tell her she can play with them in the morning, she’s generally a good girl so will understand), then why can’t she let me come in for 10 minutes and watch her open them? I can’t imagine doing this myself if someone had gone to the effort to buy my children presents and drop them off, I would at least invite them in for a quick chat.

(Side note - I leave the house most days at 6:30 so can’t go there on my way to work just incase someone suggests). I do think because she only works part time she doesn't always understand that I can't just drop everything to work around her schedule.

OP posts:
Sweettea1 · 27/11/2020 18:29

Maybe she will open them in the morning 🤔

Dishwashersaurous · 27/11/2020 18:31

I also assumed that she would open the presents at the weekend and then play with them tomorrow. Hence the video as you can’t be there tomorrow

emptybaskets · 27/11/2020 18:31

@Dishwashersaurous I'm on a training course all day tomorrow and Sunday is my only day off to spend time with my own children, clean/tidy the house, sort out homework etc. Hard enough as it is without having to drag the kids out to drop presents off. I have a feeling she would probably find another excuse as to why we can't come in on Sunday to.

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SnuggyBuggy · 27/11/2020 18:31

I'll be honest I don't get the needing to watch her open them. Is this a thing now?

Dishwashersaurous · 27/11/2020 18:33

But surely you and your families spend time together and could celebrate together at the weekend.

I don’t understand why you need to see her open the presents

emptybaskets · 27/11/2020 18:34

Wrong choice of words when I said "watch her" @SnuggyBuggy. I just meant it would have been nice to see her since I haven't been able to all week and I thought since they were in the house anyway albeit 30 mins before bedtime it would be fine, clearly not.

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Teddybelle · 27/11/2020 18:34

Can’t believe the replies on this thread. Fair enough it’s bedtime but to not even open the door and say hello (and thank you) is pathetic. She could invite you in for 10 mins and show some warmth. To be that rigid and uncompromising is awful!

Jent13c · 27/11/2020 18:34

I think YABU

  1. Theres really nothing nasty in her message, the time doesn't work for her so she offered an alternative that allowed you to see your niece playing with the present.
  2. My brother often complains about me being unable to collect presents a day before the kids birthdays. It's the same date every year, just post them in plenty time.
  3. Regardless of everyone's personal opinions/interpretations of the covid rules I don't think that the risk of you coming from work (?with other employees/?sharing facilities) outweighs the benefit (to appease you wanting to see your niece opening a gift).

I think her response was entirely appropriate.

tigger001 · 27/11/2020 18:35

So you can't accommodate her times due to your own family but you expect her to accommodate yours.Confused

I hate people with that attitude of, I will drop something on your doorstep, despite you telling them you don't want them at your house, I find it rude and disrespectful ( I do understand that might just be me, but I hate it, it like they are just ignoring your wishes)

Surely your niece would appreciate seeing you to receive the gift, why wouldn't you reschedule with your family for your nieces birthday, sorry if I missed that

emptybaskets · 27/11/2020 18:36

@tigger001 I've given her a choice of 5 evenings.... which I have stated many times. She's asked me to come round on my 1 day off! I don't think that's a compromise personally.

OP posts:
JustSay · 27/11/2020 18:38

I don't think your sil is being awkward at all, you are imposing too much and a bit entitled.

SantaSpreadsCovid · 27/11/2020 18:39

Bloody Hell.

It shouldn't be a big deal. If someone isn't free or it's not a good time then surely you just post the gift?

There's a couple of kids in my family who feel so self conscious being watched opening stuff so mostly nobody pushes it and just drops a gift off or sends a card with money in or they'll just open their presents once we've gone.

There's been one or two like my Dad, who are the type to get annoyed if the child is reluctant to open in front of them, or behaves shyly and the adult gets the hump calling the child rude if they dont smile enough opening or don't hug and give kisses and seem grateful enough. When it's just shyness and not wanting to give kisses they don't want to. We made excuses for him not to come sometimes too. I genuinely would have preferred no presents than presents that came with strings attached. He def. thought he was entitled to time, physical affection, photos and platitudes based on how much time and money he has spent. I'd rather he just respected boundaries to be honest.

If my sister is busy, or wasn't up for visits for any reasons she chooses I wouldn't think she was a cow and say I'm making less effort next time cos I'm not allowed to physically see my niece open stuff. I'd post whatever I've bought and appreciate the thank you text/card I'd get.

emptybaskets · 27/11/2020 18:40

Okay, clearly I am being unreasonable. Fair enough. Lesson learned. Will drop presents off and just enjoy the video when it comes. Thank you all for your input Smile

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tigger001 · 27/11/2020 18:40

just can't imagine being sat in my living room knowing someone had just come to the door, dropped presents off and I'd not even opened the door to say hello. I just find that strange but maybe that's me.

She doesn't want to say hello, she wants to keep in her nice little routine and not feel uncomfortable knowing an uninvited guest is rocking up with a present despite being told to leave it until the weekend.

Asurvivor · 27/11/2020 18:42

I also don’t understand why you need to see her open the present. Presumably the present will last for a while so you will have other opportunities to see her playing with the present and enjoy those moments. It seems like you feel that you have gone to a lot of trouble to find presents that you think she will like a lot, and you want to be rewarded in some way for your care and consideration. But I think you should let this go, just go along with your SIL on this - you are giving nice presents so feel good about yourself for that.

emptybaskets · 27/11/2020 18:45

@tigger001 I just can't understand why she would feel uncomfortable about me popping in for 10 minutes, we are family after all. I've tried many times to come over this week but she's said no to every request and then has asked me to come out on my only day off.

Not at all @Asurvivor. Sorry but you are completely wrong. I don't expect anything in return. I just wanted to see my niece as I haven't been able to all week.

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DeciduousPerennial · 27/11/2020 18:45

@emptybaskets

Okay, clearly I am being unreasonable. Fair enough. Lesson learned. Will drop presents off and just enjoy the video when it comes. Thank you all for your input Smile
YANBU though. She can’t even be arsed to open the bloody door to you!
emptybaskets · 27/11/2020 18:48

Many thanks @DeciduousPerennial, nice to see someone is on my side and shares the same way of thinking Smile but for my own sanity I need to let this go...

OP posts:
mopphead · 27/11/2020 18:48

Why do the English assume that everyone is in England?

EmeraldShamrock · 27/11/2020 18:49

Yanbu. You've gone to lots of effort trying to arrange a time to drop them off after a long day and drive
She is being awkward imo.

tigger001 · 27/11/2020 18:56

tigger001 I just can't understand why she would feel uncomfortable about me popping in for 10 minutes, we are family after all. I've tried many times to come over this week but she's said no to every request and then has asked me to come out on my only day off.

Yes, family who can't seem to understand she had a busy week and likes her daughter to have a nice little routine of a night, not with Aunt turning up with a present the kid will undoubtedly be all excited about seeing Aunt and present.

She had legitimate reasons for the 4 nights (Tuesday, birthday day with a party with all nieces friends, niece will be knackered, Wednesday, pre planned family meal out, Thursday kids dance class, Friday right too close to bed time)

She may think it best and nicer if you saw your niece in the daytime when you can see her open the present and maybe spend time with her, not just as she's going to bed ?

This present giving seems more about you than the recipient of said present. Watch the video, enjoy it and next year make plans a little earlier at a convenient time for all involved.

My SIL would not even think twice if she messaged me and we were busy for 4 /5 nights, she would just come when suits and same for me with her.

anon444877 · 27/11/2020 18:57

You both sound busy, I would try not to sweat this. She's busy with a million activities and you're busy with work and a long commute.

You're a better person than me, I'd have sent her something in the post with a gift message attached. If I'd remembered!

CeeceeBloomingdale · 27/11/2020 18:58

[quote emptybaskets]@tigger001 I've given her a choice of 5 evenings.... which I have stated many times. She's asked me to come round on my 1 day off! I don't think that's a compromise personally. [/quote]
I think you're not hearing her. What I'm hearing is "evenings aren't convenient as children have a routine and they've had enough excitement this week". Offering a choice of evenings isn't offering them anything different. Bedtime is bedtime, whether it's Wednesday, Thursday or Friday. It sounds as though you should have arranged to drop off the gift last weekend.

I have to say family wanting kids to perform and open presents to smiling photos, oohs and ahs were the bain of my life when my eldest was young. It sapped the joy so much that we stopped them visiting on key days.

SnuggyBuggy · 27/11/2020 18:59

It's not so much a case of being right or wrong but it's just not working for either you or SIL so best figure out a different way of getting the present to them next time.

emptybaskets · 27/11/2020 19:02

@tigger001 unfortunately I don't have the luxury of being able to pop over during the day as I'm in work, I have mentioned that many times. I can't just drop everything. I have tried my very best to accommodate her all week and thought tonight would be good because she didn't have any plans (she originally said Friday would be fine when I asked her yesterday) and I would only be popping in for 10 minutes.

OP posts:
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