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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do schools not distinguish between homework done independently and that ‘done’ by parents?

294 replies

NellyJames · 27/11/2020 16:19

Just tried to post this in education but it doesn’t seem to want to post:
DS has been upset as they have a HW ladder where they sit on certain rungs depending upon how the do in their homework. He’s middling and hasn’t really been moving. This is fine by me as it reflects where he is/should be I guess. However, he’s getting upset as he keeps asking me to help (answers not explaining concept) and says everyone else’s mum helps. I’ve been telling him this isn’t true but talking to some other mums they’ve confirmed they always help otherwise their child would get 4/5/6 questions wrong each week. I often see DS getting the wrong answer but I never correct him. The most I’ll do is encourage him to check them. Anyway, DS tells me these friends are up in the ‘clouds’ which is apparently the top rungs of the ladder. Now I feel bad but I still don’t want to help as surely his teacher needs to see which ones he doesn’t understand so she can target those with him? I emailed to ask earlier this week and she’s just emailed back confirming the ladder is used as motivation. Today one of his friends got the gold award for consistently ‘excellent standard of homework!’ hmm I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

OP posts:
lazylinguist · 27/11/2020 17:09

So everyone who helps, do you write a note each time to say you’ve helped? Otherwise how can the teacher distinguish between the children who got them all correct by themselves and your child who needed a bit of help?

No, I never do. The teacher doesn't necessarily need to know who needed a bit of help òn a piece of homework. As long as the child understands it afterwards (which will be apparent in lessons), then it doesn't matter.
My dc are secondary age now. I occasionally help them with a bit of homework. I realise your child is younger,
but a secondary teacher would be a bit astonished to see a note from a parent saying "I helped him a bit with questions 3 and 8."

Benjispruce2 · 27/11/2020 17:09

We have no hw ladder. HW is to consolidate knowledge or to practise skills learnt.

NoPainNoTartine · 27/11/2020 17:09

Is he in state or private school?

Because YABU not to get involved with homework. If they get answers wrong, surely it's up to the parents to catch up on the concept and ensure they get the answers right by themselves, not letting them back in class with the wrong answer!

If there's too much struggle, a note for the teacher to see is better.

It's a bit young to let them work completely independently. Most schools are still playing catch up with what was missed last year, so it's very unreasonable to expect the class to be delayed further because parents don't get involved enough. There are 30 kids in a standard class!

I honestly don't know anyone who doesn't help with their kids homework at that age, and even later.

TheSunIsStillShining · 27/11/2020 17:10

I have only done 3 hws for my son. All being in eng lit (secondary) where even my hw only got 20 out of 25 marks :(
What we did do until recently is we checked his hw if asked and flagged wrong, go back, try again. if second attempt was still off then talked through the concept as it was not the execution, but the understanding that was missing.

NoPainNoTartine · 27/11/2020 17:10

Parents should help

helping doesn't mean doing all the work and giving them all the answers.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 27/11/2020 17:12

@flaviaritt

Long-term, you are teaching your son more, both in terms of his actual learning (not thinking he is right when he is wrong or having people do the job for him), and in terms of his resilience.
Agree. The problem is not you - it's the homework ladder - which is a shit idea that demotivates kids from difficult and deprived backgrounds, as well as less academic children.
Cocomarine · 27/11/2020 17:12

@TheSunIsStillShining

I have only done 3 hws for my son. All being in eng lit (secondary) where even my hw only got 20 out of 25 marks :( What we did do until recently is we checked his hw if asked and flagged wrong, go back, try again. if second attempt was still off then talked through the concept as it was not the execution, but the understanding that was missing.
Why on earth did you do his homework for him?! I don’t understand your “only” 3. Three ! I’m really hands on with homework, but I’ve never done a piece for them 🤣
Welcometonowhere · 27/11/2020 17:12

I can remember my mum taking loads of time to explain history to me - she’d make it really interesting.

But my dad would spend about an hour explaining maths to me. I used to beg my mum to save me Grin

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 27/11/2020 17:13

I spent 10 school years restructuring lessons into a pattern my DC (AS/ADHD) could handle. The lessons were tailored for NT children of middle ability. They needed a different approach the teachers - naturally - could not give them.
But I never provided answers.

jessstan1 · 27/11/2020 17:13

Most parents help, that is accepted.

NoPainNoTartine · 27/11/2020 17:13

Long-term, you are teaching your son more, both in terms of his actual learning (not thinking he is right when he is wrong or having people do the job for him), and in terms of his resilience.

or you are just teaching him that he has lazy parents who are not interested in what he does at school. The kid is 7, and must have missed months of schooling in Y2.

BrutusMcDogface · 27/11/2020 17:15

You watch him get the wrong answer, but don’t help him? What?! Homework is meant to consolidate skills and learning. Maybe he needs a little more support from you.

Welcometonowhere · 27/11/2020 17:15

That’s harsh nopain, it does seem OP has good intent. But I agree that he needs help. I wouldn’t be sending him in with wrong answers. Plus so much is about confidence at this age.

scammedmum29 · 27/11/2020 17:16

Help him and write a note in his book to explain to the teacher which ones you helped with?

lottiegarbanzo · 27/11/2020 17:16

I would go further than you OP and try to find out why he's getting the answer wrong and explaining the concept, so he has a chance to get it right.

I do feel that that is effectively you 'teaching' and may not be helpful as, especially with maths, schools teach particular methods and you/I may not know how to explain it in those terms.

Times tables and reading as homework are the best, as the kids have to do those themselves and either know their TTs or they don't.

Kaliorphic · 27/11/2020 17:17

or you are just teaching him that he has lazy parents who are not interested in what he does at school. The kid is 7, and must have missed months of schooling in Y2.

Yep. This.

CountFosco · 27/11/2020 17:17

To make you feel better OP I never help my DC with homework at primary school. Come the pandemic guess which children were able to work independently at home producing good quality work? Partly it's ability and personality of course (the only time help was ever accepted was when DD1 was making a scale model of the globe theatre and it was 11pm and she hadn't finished the thatched roof) and they have all the class/colour/parental support privilege but I do think in my situation allowing an intrinsically driven child to manage their own work will have longer term benefits than me sitting over them.

Alethiometrical · 27/11/2020 17:17

I don’t really understand why you wouldn’t help your child

Because it's not actually helping your child to actually learn.

Original poster
NellyJames · 27/11/2020 17:18

@NoPainNoTartine, no, we’re not lazy. We’re both very hands on in fact. I thought I was doing the right thing by letting his teacher see which questions he misunderstood.

OP posts:
Lougle · 27/11/2020 17:18

@NellyJames

So everyone who helps, do you write a note each time to say you’ve helped? Otherwise how can the teacher distinguish between the children who got them all correct by themselves and your child who needed a bit of help?
When DD2 was primary age, especially with maths, I would do whatever I needed to, to help her understand. That might be cracking out the numicon, number beads, etc., or drawing pictures. I might even do an example question and work it through with her, but I'd expect her to try to do the actual questions themselves. Then, once she'd done them, I'd help her to correct mistakes. I'd write a sentence at the top of the page saying 'DD really struggled with this homework', or 'DD needed lots of help with this'.

Now, in secondary, she uses Hegarty Maths a lot. I'll often sit with her (she has ASD and gets anxious about homework) and we'll watch the video together, then I'll get her to try and work out what to do. If she struggles, I might say 'Ok, what's our first step?'...'Ok, then what do we need to do?', etc., which just breaks it down a bit for her.

NoPainNoTartine · 27/11/2020 17:19

yes, sorry Welcometonowhere my comment wasn't really address to the OP personally, it did come across wrong.

The other extreme we have here is parents employing tutors to catch up.

But I think it's wrong to accuse helping parents to do all the work for the kids, when really it's about restarting the lesson and make sure they finally understand the concept. It's especially important after the school closure and the lockdown.

Kaliorphic · 27/11/2020 17:19

Come the pandemic guess which children were able to work independently at home producing good quality work

Apart from the ones who weren't able to grasp the concepts, and had no one to support them with their learning. No teachers, and no parents either. Pretty shit that.

Original poster
NellyJames · 27/11/2020 17:19

I think I’ve decided to explain in full everything he gets wrong but insist he leaves the wrong answers for his teacher to see. That way, I’ve taught him how to do it but his teacher still sees his own effort.

OP posts:
Welcometonowhere · 27/11/2020 17:21

Oh definitely - I think it’s really important. I’m not an enormous fan of homework for this age group but it’s definitely pointless if the kids just get it wrong.

And count is right, some children are just motivated and able to get on with it but others aren’t, and I’m not going to shrug and let my own children fall back.

GlowingOrb · 27/11/2020 17:21

We always check homework at home. I don’t give my child the answers. If I see that she is struggling with a concept, I teach her that concept.