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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take DD home from playground because she wouldn't do her coat up

476 replies

Toomuchtooyoung01 · 27/11/2020 13:39

DD 3.5yrs refusing to let me do her coat up as she wanted to show everyone in the playground her new dress. (Several people had commented on it on our way in).
After several times telling her that I needed to do her coat up and explaining why (because its cold) and her refusing, I said we were going home (again, explained lots of times we would go home if she wouldnt do her coat up).
DD hysterically crying all the way back to the car and back home.
Am I out of order for taking her home?

OP posts:
OudRose · 27/11/2020 14:16

I honestly think that's cruel, poor child! How did you manage to get all the way to school before deciding that you were going to take her home? Why not insist she have it done up before leaving?

Looking after your child's emotional well-being is a real thing! She just wanted to show off her new dress.

liveitwell · 27/11/2020 14:17

@Toomuchtooyoung01

I feel bloody awful now. She hasn't been listening to a word I say recently and everything is negotiation and multiple requests/explanations and thsi coupled with sleep deprivation of her baby brother who is up all night every night and I think in hindsight I lost it a bit when I shouldn't have done.
If she's never listening to what you say, then she's lacking respect for you at the moment and your role as parent. So what you did was absolutely right. You still love her. She's survived not being at the park. She's learned mum will follow through and to listen in the future. There's nothing to feel awful over.

Stop making excuses over your parenting. You did the right thing.

BarbaraofSeville · 27/11/2020 14:17

But if the OP is in the UK, it's not particularly cold today.

There's no harm that can come from being in a playground for an hour or two with an unzipped coat on a day like today, so there was no reason to force the DD to have her coat zipped up. She would have said if she was cold.

It's not like they live in Alaska and risks hypothermia if she's not appropriately dressed in winter is it?

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 27/11/2020 14:18

If she was playing and running about she was probably fine.

At that age it is good for them to learn through experience and take responsibility, when feasible and safe. Enable her, don’t control her.

WeatherwaxOn · 27/11/2020 14:18

@PatchworkElmer

Well, you had to follow through. But I don’t think it’s a threat I would’ve made in the first place.
^Exactly this. If she was cold, she would have done her coat up. I would have let her get on with playing, in the same situation.
Blondeshavemorefun · 27/11/2020 14:20

Pick your battles

Yes carry out a threat

But think about what you threaten

She had a dress on. Wanted to show people

A few mins with coat undone wouldn’t be the end of the world

earthyfire · 27/11/2020 14:21

My kids usually always refused to have their coats zipped up because they felt restricted when playing, unless of course they were really cold and then they would gladly let me zip it up. Not a battle I bothered with and I certainly didn't dish out ultimatums.

OudRose · 27/11/2020 14:21

Just read your update OP. You're not cruel (sorryBlush) everyone gets tired, cross and over reacts or hand things differently to how we would when in a different state of mind.

JuanNil · 27/11/2020 14:23

Once you told her the consequences you weren't wrong to follow through. Everybody is different so while some people my not have been too bothered, you were and that's all that's important, because you are her mum. So don't worry about people saying that you were too harsh. I feel it's better that she knows that you're serious when you say things like that, because next time it could be her trying to run off into a crowd or something dangerous and she will need to stop for no other reason except the fact that you told her to. I've found it's easier to 'set the tone' with minor issues so that if there ever is a big worry about something she's doing, she's already aware that you mean business.

Lulaloo · 27/11/2020 14:23

I’m definitely one for choosing your battles.
But you have both learnt from this incident.😄
More importantly, she has learnt that mum follows through and there are sometimes consequences. Invaluable in a more dangerous situation. Her teachers will appreciate your parenting.
You are a caring mum, nothing wrong with that!

sunsalutations · 27/11/2020 14:24

Life is a lot less frustrating if you can chill about these things a d just let them go. A big showdown leaves no one feeling good

lifesbetteraftertea · 27/11/2020 14:24

I don't believe you should feel awful OP. I can understand it's more about the recent constant pushing of boundaries etc and some times it might just take you holding your ground to give the message that you mean what you say.

blowinahoolie · 27/11/2020 14:25

I have 4 DC. You learn early on to pick your battles carefully🤣 Two youngest don't always want to wear a hat when we go out. Their choice. They can freeze. I put them in a bag in case they change their minds when out and about.

electronVolt · 27/11/2020 14:25

When my dd was about the same age, also with a baby brother, she was refusing to get out of the car and I said that if she didn't get out by the time I counted to 5 there would be no TV when we got in

Ooof.

My first rule of parenting. Try not to threaten consequences that make life a lot harder for yourself. 🤣

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 27/11/2020 14:27

Its not even about picking battles for me. Its about aiming to raise confident independent human beings that think for themselves and learn to manage their own needs. Not little robots that do as you say "cos I said so". What's the point of that? You're not going to be around forever to threaten them into wearing a coat or eating their peas or any of the other nonsense stand offs parents get themselves into. Its our job to provide a warm coat, its their job to wear it if they need to keep warm. Its our job to provide nutritious food, its their job to choose to put it in their body and so on. It doesn't need to be drama.

emmetgirl · 27/11/2020 14:27

My daughter would take her shoes and socks off when in a pushchair as a toddler. It drove me mad and in the end I gave up. I got so many disapprovingly looks and people telling me she'd catch a cold.
She didn't.
And now she's 25 and absolutely fine.
You need to chill.

cheeseismydownfall · 27/11/2020 14:28

Bless you, we've all been there! I've backed myself into a corner of having to follow through with things that I wished I had never bloody asked the DC to do/not do in the first place!

We all know about "pick your battles", but the best parenting advice I had from my mum was an expansion on that. Basically to pick as few battles as you humanly can (e.g. health and safety, and consideration for others) and let everything else go with a cheery smile. So my non-negotiables were stuff like cleaning teeth, car seats, not running into the road, not running wild in a place where other people are trying to have a peaceful time. I avoided snap demands or arbitrary rules as much as I possibly could, but came down on them like a ton of bricks for the stuff that mattered.

Overall I think it worked quite well. I'm sure some people thought I was dreadfully slack parent but actually I think I was/am quite strict, I'm just selective about what I am strict about.

Have a glass of wine, the park will still be there tomorrow!

unmarkedbythat · 27/11/2020 14:28

Today at work I have three tops on and whenever I get the chance am sitting by a radiator. I went over to another building half an hour ago and passed a colleague wearing just a T shirt. When I left the house this morning I had my three tops on, and my thick winter coat and a scarf and hat and gloves, DS2 left in his blazer and school shirt and had to be persuaded to stick a raincoat in his bag. On my side of the bed is a pile of blankets, DH is still comfy under just a sheet. My point is, we all feel comfortable at different temperatures and your dd clearly did not feel cold enough to need her coat done up. She would not have become ill from being a little chilly. There was no good reason to insist.

Olderbutnotmuchwiser · 27/11/2020 14:30

The point isn't about whether your DD would be cold without her coat being fastened, the point is that you told her to do something and she refused. You followed through with the consequence and she will learn from that and maybe next time she'll be more compliant.

nosswith · 27/11/2020 14:31

You did the correct thing to follow through and not back down. Even if on reflection you might think it an over-reaction.

MessAllOver · 27/11/2020 14:32

Having made the threat, you needed to follow through.

unmarkedbythat · 27/11/2020 14:34

I've just seen your update that you feel awful- please don't! If I started thinking back over all the times I've been a less than bloody perfect parents I would be here for weeks. This is nothing to feel awful about and even though I don't agree with the reasons for the decision you made I certainly don't think you made it for anything other than good reasons- you were concerned she would be cold, you gave her a clear direction and an understanding of what the consequences would be, you followed though, you are now concerned it was a bad move and you have thought about it and sought input. That's GOOD parenting in my book (not that I am entitled to write one!)

MeadowHay · 27/11/2020 14:34

I'm not sure if I would have threatened to take her home in that situation assuming the coat was still on and she didn't look/feel super cold. BUT overall I voted YANBU cos you have to carry out any threats you make! And it's not that big a deal really, she learnt a lesson from it hopefully and one trip home from th park screaming won't harm her! My DD 2.5 screams loads still and isn't harmed by it hah.

notacooldad · 27/11/2020 14:35

I think it was more important for her to play.
She is obviously proud of her dress do why not let her enjoy her moment?
She would have let you know if she was cold.
You over reacted.

DreadingSeason2020sFinale · 27/11/2020 14:36

@WitchFindersAreEverywhere

You gave her a choice, hopefully calmly and clearly. You gave her a reason for you wanting her to do up her coat. You followed through.

What do you think will happen next time you want her to do something she doesn’t want to, and you go through the same steps?

Sounds like reasonable parenting to me.

This with bells on. I am the parent. I don't pick battles.

Today it's a coat......