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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take DD home from playground because she wouldn't do her coat up

476 replies

Toomuchtooyoung01 · 27/11/2020 13:39

DD 3.5yrs refusing to let me do her coat up as she wanted to show everyone in the playground her new dress. (Several people had commented on it on our way in).
After several times telling her that I needed to do her coat up and explaining why (because its cold) and her refusing, I said we were going home (again, explained lots of times we would go home if she wouldnt do her coat up).
DD hysterically crying all the way back to the car and back home.
Am I out of order for taking her home?

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 27/11/2020 14:03

@missyB1

Well done! Sometimes we have to do what’s in our children’s best interests no matter what their 3 year old opinion is! I work in a nursery and could scream every time a child rocks up on a day like today in a t shirt and tutu because the parents “didn’t think it was worth the battle”. 3 year olds depend on adults to do the right thing. Doing up her coat on a freezing day was the right thing, and she needs to accept that you know best.
Not the same thing at all! The OP’s child had appropriate clothes, she just didn’t want to zip up a coat. That’s really not the same thing as a t shirt and tutu, is it?

Sometimes, a parent doesn’t know best. One of those occasions is over temperature and comfort. My non coat zipping 3yo is 15 now - still laughs at how cold I am whilst she’s still in light clothing.

Cocomarine · 27/11/2020 14:04

@Dishwashersaurous

Waits to hear that op lives in the attic circle..
Very Virginia Andrews 🤣
myneighboursarerude · 27/11/2020 14:06

The action is nothing to do with the coat.

She refused to do something she was told.

She will let you do her coat next time.

DryRoastPeanut · 27/11/2020 14:06

Pick your battles!

papaelf · 27/11/2020 14:06

I just pick and choose my battles and would let her get on with it but admire your strong parenting as im a walkover!

I don't think this is an example of strong parenting at all. Strong adulting over small child maybe but in terms of parenting OP created a situation where not only did she not allow her child to enjoy the park but she was crying and upset for a good while too. Not remotely admirable IMO.

Hidinge · 27/11/2020 14:06

My dc would turn blue before admitting they were cold so yanbu.
Getting too cold can make you more susceptible to picking up bugs can't it?
Make it a choice, perhaps suggest an alternative place to show off the outfit...
But you're the adult and made a decision you thought needed to be made. Well done for actually parenting.

AlwaysLatte · 27/11/2020 14:08

I never did this with coats - punishment for not wearing one was feeling cold! (Obviously not in arctic weather),

DryRoastPeanut · 27/11/2020 14:08

For what it’s worth, I have spent time in the actual Arctic circle. It was winter and minus 29. I still slept with my bedroom window open. Not everyone feels the cold.

missyB1 · 27/11/2020 14:08

On the question of whether the cold can make you ill. Asthmatics are more at risk of an attack in cold weather, but also children who may have a cold and are developing a viral wheeze. There are also various other health issues which can get worse in cold weather.

AlwaysLatte · 27/11/2020 14:08

Some children feel a lot hotter than us, also.

viques · 27/11/2020 14:09

If you wanted her to be warm in the park it would have made more sense to make sure she was wearing warm clothes under her coat. So a warm pair of tights, trousers on top, a long sleeved t shirt and a warm jumper, maybe a gilet too, good boots .

Of course she wanted to show off her new dress. Next time save the new dresses for when she is inside and everyone can admire. I can’t help but wonder what your reaction would have been if she had fallen in a puddle and muddied the new dress.

SpaceOp · 27/11/2020 14:10

I am all for boundaries with children but this seems ridiculous. If H ad refused to allow DS to play when he was refusing to wear a coat, we'd never have left the house from October-March. Perhaps in the line at school this morning when DD didn't want to do up her coat I should have insisted and taken her home or refused to allow her to talk to her best friend while in the line until she did what I wanted her to do?

Children running around are less susceptible to the cold anyway. As are some people. This just seems ridiculous to me. Being a bit cold won't harm her (contrary to popular opinion) and doing up the coat or getting in the car would help her to warm up very quickly once she accepted she was cold.

Pipandmum · 27/11/2020 14:10

While you do have to follow through when you set an ultimatum, be aware that a three and a half year old does not think or process information like adults do. Plus three and a half can be a time of disequalibrium, when they are more tense and stressed, and then 'grow out of it'.
A more natural way for your child to learn about consequences in this instance is you let her play without a coat or without closing it. If she gets cold and complains, you can explain why she is cold and that the coat will keep her warmer if fastened. She has experienced the consequences of not wearing or buttoning her coat, and has learned what she needs to do.
What you did just turned it into a power struggle of your child not doing what you want her to do. As part of her maturing is being independent of you and learning the control she can have of herself and her environment, this is a tricky area. In this instance, a short discussion and agreement that she can show off her dress for five minutes but then she needs to button her coat before you enter the park. She may still refuse, partly because she may not be cold at all and thinks you are not being fair, as you don't know how she is feeling and are now insisting because it's simply what you want her to do. So at that point I would say , ok, we did agree, but if you arent cold you can keep playing, but if you are cold you button your coat. Win win: she has decided for herself what she needs and you have explained to her what to do if she feels uncomfortable.

lunar1 · 27/11/2020 14:10

I'd have done the same, but my youngest often gets asthma attacks in the night after he's been to cold.

Original poster
Toomuchtooyoung01 · 27/11/2020 14:10

I feel bloody awful now. She hasn't been listening to a word I say recently and everything is negotiation and multiple requests/explanations and thsi coupled with sleep deprivation of her baby brother who is up all night every night and I think in hindsight I lost it a bit when I shouldn't have done.

OP posts:
Covert19 · 27/11/2020 14:11

You were right to follow through on your threat.

You are being unreasonable to be beating yourself up over it now. I bet your daughter's forgotten about it already.

Maybe next time she says she's warm enough you'll leave it at that, or maybe you will always be having battles over coats. It's up to you. But leave the past in the past and enjoy the rest of your day.

ShowOfHands · 27/11/2020 14:11

I would like a picture of her head turning dress please.

satnighttakeaway · 27/11/2020 14:11

You were being ridiculous, I never understand why anyone has this kind of attitude, what a drama over absolutely nothing

So what if a child gets a bit cold, they can always put the coat on later.
Don't be one of those intensely annoying parents constantly on at their child about stuff that doesn't matter in the slightest.

liveitwell · 27/11/2020 14:11

YANBU. You have rules and she needs to know that she has to listen to you. You gave her ample chance and followed through. Good on you.

Nothing wrong with following through on consequences.

Jizzle · 27/11/2020 14:12

Pretty shit parenting if you ask me.

You asked her to do her coat up, and told her that if she didn't she would get cold. She didn't want to, and being cold clearly wasn't an issue for her, so why would you force this on her?

Other parents on MN will agree with you and that you put down an ultimatum and followed through with it, but why would you even make such a fuss over doing up a coat? Children need to feel like they have at least a little autonomy in their lives and their clothing is one of the few areas they can actually exercise this, and you took that away from her.

AnotherNameForChristmas · 27/11/2020 14:12

Well, if you had threatened to take her home, you didn't really have a choice.
I don't know if I would have made an issue of it if she wanted to show off her dress though.
"Are you cold?"
"No"
"OK. If you get cold, let me know and we can put your coat back on/do it up"

RedskyAtnight · 27/11/2020 14:13

Pick your battles.
It's her coat. If she doesn't want to zip it up, she's the one that gets cold. So either she's not cold, in which case there's no problem, or she is cold - in which case she'll know better for next time.

All she's learnt this time is that you have to do what your parent says. And "because I said so" is never a good reason to want a child to do something.

liveitwell · 27/11/2020 14:13

@satnighttakeaway

You were being ridiculous, I never understand why anyone has this kind of attitude, what a drama over absolutely nothing

So what if a child gets a bit cold, they can always put the coat on later.
Don't be one of those intensely annoying parents constantly on at their child about stuff that doesn't matter in the slightest.

No she wasn't being ridiculous!

It's not just about the coat. It's about listening to her parents. Her mum asked her to do something repeatedly. She didn't do it, even with warnings. So mum followed through.

What's ridiculous about enforcing rules? It's the only way to keep boundaries in place. It's about respect as much as it's about learning that we wear coats when it's cold.

christinarossetti19 · 27/11/2020 14:14

We've all been there OP! Over-reacted out of sleep deprivation and scored a complete own goal.

When my dd was about the same age, also with a baby brother, she was refusing to get out of the car and I said that if she didn't get out by the time I counted to 5 there would be no TV when we got in.

Now, THAT was bloody stupid!

vanillandhoney · 27/11/2020 14:15

I think you did the right thing on following through, but it was a daft ultimatum to make.

Why should she have her coat done up when she doesn't want to?