To take DD home from playground because she wouldn't do her coat up

[Toomuchtooyoung01]

DD 3.5yrs refusing to let me do her coat up as she wanted to show everyone in the playground her new dress. (Several people had commented on it on our way in).
After several times telling her that I needed to do her coat up and explaining why (because its cold) and her refusing, I said we were going home (again, explained lots of times we would go home if she wouldnt do her coat up).
DD hysterically crying all the way back to the car and back home.
Am I out of order for taking her home?

@Toomuchtooyoung01

I feel bloody awful now. She hasn't been listening to a word I say recently and everything is negotiation and multiple requests/explanations and thsi coupled with sleep deprivation of her baby brother who is up all night every night and I think in hindsight I lost it a bit when I shouldn't have done.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Yes, you got this one wrong, but you probably got 100 other parenting decisions right this week. Make a hot chocolate for both of you, curl up on the sofa and give her a cuddle. You'll both feel better.

For me the issue isn't how cold it was, the issue is that OP explained several times what her DD needed to do and she refused to do it.

I've manhandled DS out of many a supermarket for behaviour that to some may make my parenting seem extreme (sitting down, crying and refusing to get up for example.) But that act of defiance was maybe the 10th occurrence that day at which point I've thought, sod this, I'm winning this round.

Don't feel bad OP, I hear ya.

Don't dwell on it. I guess I'm quite strict - perhaps unreasonably so sometimes, although I do try to be reasonable.

I would probably have done the same as you - I would have been annoyed that they wouldn't just do what they were told, and would have lost sight of whether the coat issue was actually a big deal or not.

But its done. And if it happens again you can be less strict next time and just say 'well you'll be cold, Im not having another argument about it'.

She wont remember you causing a potentially unreasonable fuss, but she might remember that you threatened a consequence and followed through.

There is no harm done here at all.

I think it was unnecessarily harsh and unkind. She had her coat on, you allowed her to wear the new dress (knowing she would want to show it off).

If you’d dressed her in weather appropriate clothes (eg long sleeve thermal vest, jumper, warm joggers) it wouldn’t have been an issue.

I don’t think it’s kind to humiliate a child in front of all their friends like that.

i think id have let her play. She would have done it up if she got uncomfortable. Its one thing them following rules, but i do think they should have some autoomy over things like whether to do coat up.

I vividly remember the 3.5 year-old stage. It’s the WORST age. Mine are teens now but honestly I remember that 3.5 stage like it was yesterday. They try to control E V E R Y T H I N G.

I think you should’ve let her show off her dress and freeze if she wanted to, but I also agree you had to follow through on the threat. And I can empathise with you about this stage.

(It only lasts till they start school.)

I went out for a walk at lunchtime and I had my coat open and was even thinking about taking it off because I was too warm and I did take my gloves off.

I’m in the South East and it’s honestly freezing here. -1. I was out with my teenage son (who’d refused a coat 😂) and honestly, I was brassic.

It's not how I would want to parent my 3.5 year old. I do think this age is tough on the parent but in this case I think you were too harsh and unkind.

For me the issue isn't how cold it was, the issue is that OP explained several times what her DD needed to do and she refused to do it.

OK, but if it was a need then it does matter how cold it was- because why would she need to do her coat up if it wasn't so cold as to be necessary to do so?

I wouldn't be bothered about the cost being open, but at 3.5 she is old enough to choose whether she wants to fasten her coat and stay, or leave it open and go home. Maybe next time she will make a different choice, and understand that when you say it, you mean it.

In my son's case it was scooting ahead and ignoring calls to stop. I had to make very clear that following my instructions was not optional, and be consistent about that.

@unmarkedbythat

For me the issue isn't how cold it was, the issue is that OP explained several times what her DD needed to do and she refused to do it.

OK, but if it was a need then it does matter how cold it was- because why would she need to do her coat up if it wasn't so cold as to be necessary to do so?

Because the OP wanted her DD to and asked her to. And the refusal was an act of defiance. I never realised it but I must be pretty strict. I kind of sound like an Army general, but I'm with the OP.

This. You backed yourself into a corner and so you had to follow through. I wouldn't have picked a battle over a coat though

And btw it's FREEZING here today.

*I was incorrect in saying it was a need

It wouldn’t bother me for her not to do her coat up. But as you told her to do it and she refused, it’s not unreasonable then to take her home. Still, I think it could have been better handled.

Pick your battles. Sometimes I find myself insisting I see things through but in reality it's mostly not worth the stress.

Try doing choices. Either you do your coat up now or you can show x and then do it up.

They get a choice, you always get your way. Win win

@Toomuchtooyoung01

I feel bloody awful now. She hasn't been listening to a word I say recently and everything is negotiation and multiple requests/explanations and thsi coupled with sleep deprivation of her baby brother who is up all night every night and I think in hindsight I lost it a bit when I shouldn't have done.

Don't feel awful. Once you made the threat you had to follow through.

Mistake made. It's done now. Move on.

And if she's been behaving badly recently anyway, it's not a bad thing that you put your foot down

At 3.5 she would have done her coat up once she felt cold. Sometimes I think you just have to let them realise cause and effect eg undone coat=uncomfortable shivering.

Taking her home surely just caused her intense resentment and embarrassment, as from her point of view you let her wear her special dress then tried to make her cover it up, then publicly humiliated her for not obeying.

I could totally see myself doing this with DD (just shy of 3.5). I'm quite strict and if it's been a difficult day I sometimes battle to pick my battles . FWIW if it's something I think needs to be done then I try to use the formulation "Either you [get your coat on] or I'll do it for you, choose". She's learnt that I mean it.

Nothing wrong with teaching children consequences. You told her what would happen, gave her chances to do as instructed, and followed through.

Imo, it's better than empty threats. Children have to learn that there are times when they have to do as their parents tell them, even if it's not what they want to do.

Massive over reaction and just controlling for controllings sake. Just a power play really isn't it. "Do as i tell you or I'll take something away from you because I can"

but what if she wasnt cold? What if having her coat done up made her feel too warm or restricted to run about?
Sometimes I go out when its cold outside and I end up carrying my coat or taking my hat off and thats just walking. If I was running and playing it would be even worse.
As long as theyve got warm clothes to wear, whether a person actually has their buttons undone or done up on their winter coat is surely up to them, even at that age.
The consequence of not doing a coat up, should be that they feel cold. Not that theyre not allowed to play. Thats just control for the sake of control, and especially when your rule could actually make someone feel physically uncomfortable

Once you've threatened something you have to follow through so you were right to do that. I wouldn't have bothered picking that battle though tbh, I'd just have reminded her to let me know if she got cold.
The not listening is a tough phase, sometimes turning too many petty things into a battle though makes it worse as they end up always just thinking you're lecturing them.
Always stick to things that are important like safety, health, kindness, politeness, bedtime (and anything else you think is non negotiable). Have clear, natural consequences for these things.
Other things I wouldn't get into a battle about.

@Toomuchtooyoung01

I feel bloody awful now. She hasn't been listening to a word I say recently and everything is negotiation and multiple requests/explanations and thsi coupled with sleep deprivation of her baby brother who is up all night every night and I think in hindsight I lost it a bit when I shouldn't have done.

It's fine. Parenting is tough! No one ever gets it 100% right all of the time.

Sit down, have a hug and remind her that she needs to listen to you. She will have forgotten it soon enough (along with the fact that she needs to listen to you!)

We've all been there - picked the battle and then realised, sometimes immediately, that it's the wrong one to pick but you have to follow through with it! It's not about how cold it was, or where she was etc etc, you asked her to do something and she didn't. Yes with hindsight she was probably fine but it's a boundary in place that she has now experienced won't move. The hard bit is consistency - not over this issue but how you handle similar acts of defiance.