To take DD home from playground because she wouldn't do her coat up

[Toomuchtooyoung01]

DD 3.5yrs refusing to let me do her coat up as she wanted to show everyone in the playground her new dress. (Several people had commented on it on our way in).
After several times telling her that I needed to do her coat up and explaining why (because its cold) and her refusing, I said we were going home (again, explained lots of times we would go home if she wouldnt do her coat up).
DD hysterically crying all the way back to the car and back home.
Am I out of order for taking her home?

There is a huge difference between allowing a child to choose do up their coat(perfectly safe and age appropriate) and allowing a 2 year old to run ahead near roads(not safe or age appropriate).

Right. But once that ship has sailed, you need your child to stop when you say stop. No?

@NataliaOsipova

Absolutely nobody thinks obedience regardless of reason is a good thing.

Not for adults, or even older kids. But you mention reason - and the point is, that toddlers aren’t capable of this. That’s why they need to be looked after carefully.

I’ll never forget my DD and her little friend running along a pavement, aged 2. It gradually went into a dropped curve before it went into a side road. I shouted stop. The friend’s mum shouted stop. My DD stopped....and her little friend ran into the road, in front of a car. (Luckily, the young man driving screeched to a halt. But he nearly didn’t...and I spent five minutes comforting him while my distraught friend dealt with her very frightened child. Could have ended very differently.). Sometimes they just need to do as they’re told and not question why.

That’s nothing to do with obedience though - maybe she just didn’t hear. That’s an example of rubbish parenting - allowing your very small child to run near cars out of arms length. Expecting your 2 year old to be so danger-aware that they’d know to stop at a road.

I think people are confusing allowing a child to make age appropriate and safe choices with allowing a child to do whatever they want.

OP I think this must have been the last straw for you and maybe your dd not listening to you in previous incidents is what lead to this? We all overreact sometimes and I know I have with dc1; nobody is perfect. Having a 3 year old is so tough and it is difficult to know what to do for the best sometimes. I will feel like I'm constantly being too soft with my child and raising him to be spoiled so always asking people is this enough or is this too strict etc! Being a parent is bloody tough and you have to do what you think is best in that moment for you aswell as for your child YANBU as I think there's more to it most probably.

@NataliaOsipova

Absolutely nobody thinks obedience regardless of reason is a good thing.

Not for adults, or even older kids. But you mention reason - and the point is, that toddlers aren’t capable of this. That’s why they need to be looked after carefully.

I’ll never forget my DD and her little friend running along a pavement, aged 2. It gradually went into a dropped curve before it went into a side road. I shouted stop. The friend’s mum shouted stop. My DD stopped....and her little friend ran into the road, in front of a car. (Luckily, the young man driving screeched to a halt. But he nearly didn’t...and I spent five minutes comforting him while my distraught friend dealt with her very frightened child. Could have ended very differently.). Sometimes they just need to do as they’re told and not question why.

No one is going to disagree that young children need to obey rules to keep them safe, that's obvious and also not what this thread is about

Surely if the child is forced to obey unnecessary rules for no reason other than because the parent says so a possible consequence is that they might start to disobey on principal to rebel That could have serious consequences.

I'm still waiting for the OP to come back and tell us what the problem with a child getting a bit cold is

I would argue that 2 year olds shouldn’t have been put in that position.
There is a huge difference between allowing a child to choose do up their coat(perfectly safe and age appropriate) and allowing a 2 year old to run ahead near roads(not safe or age appropriate).

I agree with this. Allowing a 2 year old run ahead near a road is insane. Even the most obedient one can have off day or just not hear.

@flaviaritt

There is a huge difference between allowing a child to choose do up their coat(perfectly safe and age appropriate) and allowing a 2 year old to run ahead near roads(not safe or age appropriate).

Right. But once that ship has sailed, you need your child to stop when you say stop. No?

No. By allowing a child some control and giving them choices appropriate to their age they then tend to listen when you do say no or stop or whatever it is in the situation. Tbh in the situation described above, I wouldn’t allow two 2 years old to run near a road like that, it isn’t about them listening to stop or not, it is about those parents not parenting very well.

Thesearmsofmine

No? You don’t need them to stop? Do they have titanium plated toddlers round your way, then?

Blind obedience in all cases on the off chance they stop before running out into a road? When instead you could just not allow them to run near the road in the first place? I know which one I’d pick.

@flaviaritt

Thesearmsofmine

No? You don’t need them to stop? Do they have titanium plated toddlers round your way, then?

No I wouldn’t need them to stop because as I have said above, I wouldn’t give them the choice to run close to the road like that, it is about giving a child age appropriate choices and a 2 year old running out of reach by a road is not appropriate at all. Doing up a coat or not however is perfectly appropriate for a 3 year old.

No I wouldn’t need them to stop because as I have said above, I wouldn’t give them the choice to run close to the road like that, it is about giving a child age appropriate choices

Neither would I. That is not really the point. The point is that the unexpected does happen. And when it does, you need your young child - who lacks proper judgement - to be prepared to do as they are told because you said so.

Let’s imagine a different scenario. Someone comes round, has a cup of tea, then leaves. When they’ve gone, you see your toddler reach down and pick up a brightly coloured object off the floor and go to put it in their mouth. Looks like a sweet. Pill-sized.

What happens next?

@flaviaritt

No I wouldn’t need them to stop because as I have said above, I wouldn’t give them the choice to run close to the road like that, it is about giving a child age appropriate choices

Neither would I. That is not really the point. The point is that the unexpected does happen. And when it does, you need your young child - who lacks proper judgement - to be prepared to do as they are told because you said so.

Let’s imagine a different scenario. Someone comes round, has a cup of tea, then leaves. When they’ve gone, you see your toddler reach down and pick up a brightly coloured object off the floor and go to put it in their mouth. Looks like a sweet. Pill-sized.

What happens next?

You take it away from them?

How would following through on all threats regardless of how stupid they are make any difference in that scenario?

Lucky for you - although I always wonder what story those well adjusted women would tell.
It wasn't luck. It was mainly as a result of a good upbringing. One of my DD said recently that she wants her own DD to be brought up in the same way as she was.*

Why do you think is this funny? I am not in the habit of telling lies and I can assure you that my DD did say exactly that.

You take it away from them?

You’re not near enough. What happens next?

Wow, so many people like @ATowelAndAPotato @WitchFindersAreEverywhere saying "threat made, you have to follow through", which I guess was the flashing "mumsnet doctrine" light in your mind when you dished out what seems to be a pretty disproportionate punishment. No you don't. You don't have to appear infallible to your child, or anyone, because that would be false. Sure, we don't aim to be inconsistent, but it does happen often in life and we all have to learn to steer a course through this.

@flaviaritt

You take it away from them?

You’re not near enough. What happens next?

They eat it? What’s your point?

They eat it? What’s your point?

@flaviaritt

No I wouldn’t need them to stop because as I have said above, I wouldn’t give them the choice to run close to the road like that, it is about giving a child age appropriate choices

Neither would I. That is not really the point. The point is that the unexpected does happen. And when it does, you need your young child - who lacks proper judgement - to be prepared to do as they are told because you said so.

Let’s imagine a different scenario. Someone comes round, has a cup of tea, then leaves. When they’ve gone, you see your toddler reach down and pick up a brightly coloured object off the floor and go to put it in their mouth. Looks like a sweet. Pill-sized.

What happens next?

Why on earth would you make up bizarre scenarios that have nothing to do with the OP? Very odd.

You are aware that allowing a child to make small safe choices about doing their coat up or what colour pants to wear that day doesn’t mean that the child is never told no?

@AldiAisleofCrap

The cold won’t make her unwell, and if she was really cold she would have fastened it anyway. It’s a shame your daughters fun was ruined because you didn’t want to be judged by others.

^^

She was excited about her new dress and wanted to show it off, and would probably have had a great day showing all of her friends.

As soon as kids can walk and communicate, they're old enough to know if they need a coat or not. Plus, she had it on, it just wasn't fastened.

Your poor DD, of course YABU.

Why on earth would you make up bizarre scenarios that have nothing to do with the OP? Very odd.

Because it does have to do with the issue at hand: should you instil in your very young child that it is important for them to do as you say, even (and perhaps especially) in situations where they don’t understand why?

And you know this. You just don’t want to admit it.

@flaviaritt

They eat it? What’s your point?

What’s your point? How do you stop them eating it if they’re out of arms reach?

Why didn't you just let her enjoy feeling fabulous in her dress and take her home when she got cold.
The cold making her teeth charter will teach her about doing her coat up far more than a lecture from mum when she is still enjoying turning heads.
Bet she remembers that.

How do you stop them eating it if they’re out of arms reach?

With my child, I would say “Stop!” And she would stop. Because she does as she is told.

@flaviaritt

Why on earth would you make up bizarre scenarios that have nothing to do with the OP? Very odd.

Because it does have to do with the issue at hand: should you instil in your very young child that it is important for them to do as you say, even (and perhaps especially) in situations where they don’t understand why?

And you know this. You just don’t want to admit it.

Interesting that you only quoted part of my post.