To take DD home from playground because she wouldn't do her coat up

[Toomuchtooyoung01]

DD 3.5yrs refusing to let me do her coat up as she wanted to show everyone in the playground her new dress. (Several people had commented on it on our way in).
After several times telling her that I needed to do her coat up and explaining why (because its cold) and her refusing, I said we were going home (again, explained lots of times we would go home if she wouldnt do her coat up).
DD hysterically crying all the way back to the car and back home.
Am I out of order for taking her home?

Yes I think it was an overreaction- but I understand you as well.
My ds is never cold, and always taking off his jacket when we are at playground- I'm not overly happy about that, but he's running around- and his hands are always warm.

Next time when you are getting ready to go to the playground- I would just give her some long sleeve sweater or warmer tshirt under her dress- plus some fancy warm gloves- my dd always wants to wear hers as there are princesses on them.
Take the coat with you just in case, she asks for it- but don't stress about it.
Kids running a lot and that keeps them warm, surely she would tell you if she's cold .

I’m sort of amazed that there are still parents who bully their children so they (the parent) never loses. But I guess that’s why we see so many teenagers who bully

Those are the teenagers whose parents didn’t set consistent boundaries.

@Olderbutnotmuchwiser

Not ‘you are not doing exactly what I say and I MUST be obeyed so here’s a stupid overreaction and I won’t back down because of some weird rule everyone spouts even though it’s cruel’

So now it's 'cruel' to have a coat fastened?
When I was teaching, at playtime I would say, 'Coats on, and line up.' I didn't need ten children whining at me that they didn't want their coat on!
The OP is teaching her child a valuable lesson that parents know best. Ok, they don't always get it spot on, but in the cases they don't, no great harm comes to a child who knows he or she should do as mummy says.

They’re not though - they’re teaching ‘a parent can make you completely miserable just because they can’.

@flaviaritt

papaelf

It’s an open forum.

Indeed. However I was interested to hear from that poster, why they though what they did.

However I was interested to hear from that poster, why they though what they did

And I have not prevented them from telling you.

@flaviaritt

However I was interested to hear from that poster, why they though what they did

And I have not prevented them from telling you.

Ok. Great. Thanks.

@flaviaritt

Sorry, that was unnecessary. I was just asking if you had name changed or if you were someone else, I shouldn't have got nippy with you though.

That’s okay!

You have to pick your battles, I think you probably over reacted and had an adult tantrum by way of your actions to be honest.

She wanted to show everyone her dress, and was excited.

I think I'd have suggested that she do up her coat, certainly, but I would've let it go if she continually refused, certainly not worth dragging her home over because you both lost here - you didn't get her to do her coat up, and she got upset when all she wanted to do was show off her new dress.

She would've zipped it up if she had gotten to the point of being really cold.

Having said all that OP, all of us will have had a similar situation to this at some point in our parenting journeys where we look back with hindsight and see we could've done things or handled things differently.

Don't beat yourself up about it.

They’re not though - they’re teaching ‘a parent can make you completely miserable just because they can’
Not in the least. It's teaching children to be obedient, which seems to have become a taboo concept in today's society. Why do you think so many teachers are leaving the professional as a result of children, even those at primary school, being utterly obstreperous - biting, hitting, kicking their teachers! These are the children who have never been taught obedience. They are the ones whose parents have failed to set clear boundaries.
It all starts with the little things when children are young, and don't have to fasten their coat when mummy tells them to. Then it escalates and you finish up with mouthy, insolent teenagers.

@Olderbutnotmuchwiser

They’re not though - they’re teaching ‘a parent can make you completely miserable just because they can’ Not in the least. It's teaching children to be obedient, which seems to have become a taboo concept in today's society. Why do you think so many teachers are leaving the professional as a result of children, even those at primary school, being utterly obstreperous - biting, hitting, kicking their teachers! These are the children who have never been taught obedience. They are the ones whose parents have failed to set clear boundaries. It all starts with the little things when children are young, and don't have to fasten their coat when mummy tells them to. Then it escalates and you finish up with mouthy, insolent teenagers.

Teaching blind obedience is a good thing? Teaching them they have to do whatever stupid thing a parent tells them to, even if it makes their childhood miserable? Even when they don’t know where the next punishment is coming from?

Nobody thinks this. Absolutely nobody thinks obedience regardless of reason is a good thing.

@Olderbutnotmuchwiser

They’re not though - they’re teaching ‘a parent can make you completely miserable just because they can’ Not in the least. It's teaching children to be obedient, which seems to have become a taboo concept in today's society. Why do you think so many teachers are leaving the professional as a result of children, even those at primary school, being utterly obstreperous - biting, hitting, kicking their teachers! These are the children who have never been taught obedience. They are the ones whose parents have failed to set clear boundaries. It all starts with the little things when children are young, and don't have to fasten their coat when mummy tells them to. Then it escalates and you finish up with mouthy, insolent teenagers.

Also interesting that your definition of ‘clear boundaries’ includes following through on any threat, regardless of how stupid it is.

That’s the very opposite of ‘clear boundaries’ to me.

@Olderbutnotmuchwiser

They’re not though - they’re teaching ‘a parent can make you completely miserable just because they can’ Not in the least. It's teaching children to be obedient, which seems to have become a taboo concept in today's society. Why do you think so many teachers are leaving the professional as a result of children, even those at primary school, being utterly obstreperous - biting, hitting, kicking their teachers! These are the children who have never been taught obedience. They are the ones whose parents have failed to set clear boundaries. It all starts with the little things when children are young, and don't have to fasten their coat when mummy tells them to. Then it escalates and you finish up with mouthy, insolent teenagers.

I don't agree with this at all. Neither of my now adult D.C. were as you describe, they were perfectly well behaved children and great teenagers. I didn't demand they obey me, I spent a lot of time building my relationship with them and treated them as human beings with a voice and opinion that mattered. I was never dismissive of them and always listened. Teaching is then how to be good people does not come from making them obey. So many people on here are hostile towards their children and teenagers, I think that's the attitudes that grow the behaviours you talk about.

Teaching blind obedience is a good thing? Teaching them they have to do whatever stupid thing a parent tells them to, even if it makes their childhood miserable? Even when they don’t know where the next punishment is coming from? Nobody thinks this. Absolutely nobody thinks obedience regardless of reason is a good thing
Asking a child to fasten their coat is not a 'stupid thing.' Most reasonable parents only want obedience from a young child because they know better than a three year old. I am not advocating 'blind obedience' as children grow older and are more able to process reasoning - but I am in favour of young children being made to do as a parent says. You only need to read some of the teenager threads to realise that something has gone badly wrong with parental authority nowadays.
My own two DD knew that when I asked them to do something, it wasn't a choice. They are now well adjusted, successful women in their mid forties.

@Olderbutnotmuchwiser

Teaching blind obedience is a good thing? Teaching them they have to do whatever stupid thing a parent tells them to, even if it makes their childhood miserable? Even when they don’t know where the next punishment is coming from? Nobody thinks this. Absolutely nobody thinks obedience regardless of reason is a good thing Asking a child to fasten their coat is not a 'stupid thing.' Most reasonable parents only want obedience from a young child because they know better than a three year old. I am not advocating 'blind obedience' as children grow older and are more able to process reasoning - but I am in favour of young children being made to do as a parent says. You only need to read some of the teenager threads to realise that something has gone badly wrong with parental authority nowadays. My own two DD knew that when I asked them to do something, it wasn't a choice. They are now well adjusted, successful women in their mid forties.

Lucky for you - although I always wonder what story those well adjusted women would tell.

Its a stupid reason to punish them for. Of course it is.

Lucky for you - although I always wonder what story those well adjusted women would tell.
It wasn't luck. It was mainly as a result of a good upbringing. One of my DD said recently that she wants her own DD to be brought up in the same way as she was.

Hundreds of replies and OP bothered one response.
Is it a good idea to put a in a dress to go to a playground?

@Olderbutnotmuchwiser

Lucky for you - although I always wonder what story those well adjusted women would tell. It wasn't luck. It was mainly as a result of a good upbringing. One of my DD said recently that she wants her own DD to be brought up in the same way as she was.

Of course she did - making her miserable on days out just because she can. Making ridiculous threats to her small child and absolutely following through because she said it and she can never, ever lose. Sounds like an amazing childhood for your grandchild.

YABU

I think it would've been better to let it slide, picking your battles and all that.

However, I do understand where you were coming from, wanting to keep your LO warm on a cold day. But I'd imagine she'd let you know if she were feeling the cold.

@Olderbutnotmuchwiser

Lucky for you - although I always wonder what story those well adjusted women would tell. It wasn't luck. It was mainly as a result of a good upbringing. One of my DD said recently that she wants her own DD to be brought up in the same way as she was.

😂

Asking a child to fasten their coat is not a 'stupid thing.' Most reasonable parents only want obedience from a young child because they know better than a three year old

Asking a child to fasten a coat if they are already warm enough is stupid thing. Parents are not better placed to judge how cold a child is (assuming not a very young baby/toddler) than the child themselves. Unless the child is showing symptoms of being cold (going blue, teeth chattering, complaining of cold) then telling your child they should fasten their coat is not a sign that the parents know better. It's a sign that the parents think that their child should behave in a certain way without reference to the child themselves.

My parents demanded instant obedience, or I would be punished. They made every single decision for me on the basis of how they thought I should live my life. They spent an awful lot of time telling me how I should feel and what I should do, and not so much time actually working out what I did feel and that what I should do might be different from what they thought I should. I'm now in my 40s and not particularly well adjusted. It's taken me a very long time to have the courage to make choices for myself because I was brought up in a world where there was only one choice- what my parents wanted, or I'd get punished.

Of course this isn't necessarily the path for OP based on one coat in park incident. But as a parent I do think you need to think "why" you are asking your child to do something. And if the reason if "because I think it's best" without any actual evidence that it is best - perhaps that's not something that you should force your child to do.

This story does remind me of my DS in Year 3. His teacher insisted (regardless of protestations - he was a shorts and T shirt year round child who never felt the cold) that all children must wear coats that were fastened up when they went out for break. DS quickly learned that he could satisfy this rule by wearing his coat when he went out, and taking it off as soon as the teacher was not looking. What precisely did this episode teach him?

Absolutely nobody thinks obedience regardless of reason is a good thing.

Not for adults, or even older kids. But you mention reason - and the point is, that toddlers aren’t capable of this. That’s why they need to be looked after carefully.

I’ll never forget my DD and her little friend running along a pavement, aged 2. It gradually went into a dropped curve before it went into a side road. I shouted stop. The friend’s mum shouted stop. My DD stopped....and her little friend ran into the road, in front of a car. (Luckily, the young man driving screeched to a halt. But he nearly didn’t...and I spent five minutes comforting him while my distraught friend dealt with her very frightened child. Could have ended very differently.). Sometimes they just need to do as they’re told and not question why.

NataliaOsipova

How terrible! But yes, this is exactly why we need “because I said so” for young kids.

But as a parent I do think you need to think "why" you are asking your child to do something. And if the reason if "because I think it's best" without any actual evidence that it is best - perhaps that's not something that you should force your child to do.

What evidence over and above the parent’s judgement are you thinking about? Who, other than the parent, is the judge of that?

@NataliaOsipova

Absolutely nobody thinks obedience regardless of reason is a good thing.

Not for adults, or even older kids. But you mention reason - and the point is, that toddlers aren’t capable of this. That’s why they need to be looked after carefully.

I’ll never forget my DD and her little friend running along a pavement, aged 2. It gradually went into a dropped curve before it went into a side road. I shouted stop. The friend’s mum shouted stop. My DD stopped....and her little friend ran into the road, in front of a car. (Luckily, the young man driving screeched to a halt. But he nearly didn’t...and I spent five minutes comforting him while my distraught friend dealt with her very frightened child. Could have ended very differently.). Sometimes they just need to do as they’re told and not question why.

I would argue that 2 year olds shouldn’t have been put in that position. There is a huge difference between allowing a child to choose do up their coat(perfectly safe and age appropriate) and allowing a 2 year old to run ahead near roads(not safe or age appropriate).