Lodger thinks house is hers

[Amy3030]

I have a lodger who has slowly, over time, has made the house hers and I feel like the lodger now. Small changes made, which I put down to, she has to also live here as well, so I accept at the time and say nothing, but when I look at how things are now, I realise I was wrong and my house has been completely taken over in 5 months. I spend time away regularly, and changes always happen when I am not there, now, I have vertually no space in the fridge and freezer, maybe enough for 2 things if I squeeze them in. The front hallways has a massive show rack of 20 shoes. The bathroom is cawash with her products left everywhere, and when i tidy up, the next day, they are put back to where they were before. The dining room has been taken over, it is now an arts and crafts room, with units, table full of a hundred items, bottles everywhere, it is completely unuasable now and is her spare room. She does about 5 or 6 loads of washing a week, so is always 2 clothes racks full and drying all over the kitchen and front room. Now she has put expensive fan heaters in 2 rooms without asking me and I pay all ther bills, and at night, the noise from her bedroom fan heater keeps me awake, it is like a swarm of bees humming. And she takes baths twice a week, using 36 ltrs of water instead of a shower , using just 6ltrs. A few weeks ago, I noticed my bottle of champagne, which she knew about, I'd been saving for 20 years and is 25 years old and worth hundreds of pounds, it was opened and put away with a glass left. When I confronted her she said she knew nothing about it, and just hoped I would quesion myself over it, but I certainly didn't open it after saving it for 20 years. I looked in the black bags in the outside bin and I found the top cage to the champagne and the cover paper, so it was opened in the last week. And my kitchen chef knives are slowly dissapearing, have lost 2 already. When I go away for weekend to look after my sick mother, I dont want to go home. I say to people, I dont have a home anymore. I have even stayed out in the cold in the city to stop going home. I spend most of my time depressed and sometimes crying, and working out how to tell her to leave.

Oh OP, you poor thing. With everything going on with your mum, I'm not surprised you haven't felt strong enough to deal with her too.

As the others have said so perfectly, put it in writing, you don't need to give an explanation other than that the arrangement doesn't work for you any longer and as a result, you need to her leave no later than XX date.

As the others have said, if she paid a deposit, make sure you deduct the cost of a good bottle of champagne, the knives and any damage she's caused to her room that you may not be aware of.

Good luck - you can do this. You deserve your home to be a sanctuary once again, and it will be.

Well, at first I was going to say make a list of the issues, think of your preferred (and fair) solutions and sit and discuss them with her calmly. But the champagne, and the knives
Apart from anything else she's a thief. She needs to leave asap. And no, you won't be giving her a good reference.

I was going to say YABU because some of this stuff might have just crept up gradually and if you’ve never complained about any of it (e.g. if you’ve never told her you don’t want her taking baths) then she will assume it’s all fine. Then I got to the champagne part! That is so beyond being a bit cheeky and overstepping your boundaries, that’s outright theft and to lie about it too? I don’t understand how you didn’t kick her out then and there! What on earth did you say to her when she tried to say you must have opened it yourself and forgotten?!

Do it, do it now.

So sorry to hear about your mum. This is the last thing you should have to worry about. Your lodger is absolutely a CF and I would definitely give notice. Be there when she leave though, so she doesn't walk away with half the house.

Good luck

"You need to leave by xxx or I will report you to the police for the theft of my champagne"

And yes, we deal with far more trivial matters

How can anyone be this complacent?

Give her notice, get her out, secure all your stuff so she can’t take anything else in the remaining weeks.

Learn from this if you get another lodger in the future- no flexibility outside of the agreed contract terms. Put in a clause prohibiting fans and heaters.

Usually I think MNetters can be absolutely vicious about lodgers and I mostly sympathise with them, but this one sounds like she has crossed every line going! She has stolen a valuable item from you. By email and in a letter, you want her out in 24 hours. Cheeky horrible woman.

@rattusrattus20

Yep, it's a no brainer. This is her home too, on a shared basis, but even half of the examples you list represent inappropriate behaviour for anyone sharing.

It's not a house share. She is a lodger. She gets one bedroom to treat washer own (within reason) and access to agreed other rooms. With no right to change them in any way. Sharers are equals. Lodgers/landladies are not.

Keep her deposit too!

working out how to tell her to leave

She has to go. And quickly. The things you say she has done are totally unreasonable, even if she were your partner or family member (ie with more "rights" to space & your belongings than a lodger.

Can you get the support of a friend to help you talk to your lodger, and work out a fair & reasonable date for her departure eg in 2 weeks' time she needs to have moved out.

Good luck - it is miserable to dread going home

She's really seen you coming, you need to get control (and house) back. I'd give her a weeks notice max and move anything valuable, do not back down.

Some of the issues you mention are non-issues - shoes on the rack in the hall (where else is she supposed to put her shoes?) and monitoring her water consumption is a little extreme. Two baths a week is not unreasonable.

The dining room space - depends what was stated on the contract or what was agreed when she moved in. If you gave her the impression of “make yourself at home”, “my place is your place”or similar and you have not stopped her beforehand then it’s no wonder. You should have put a stop to that much earlier.

The knives...are they really “stolen”? Surely they are still somewhere in your house but just not in their right place? You’ll probably find them under all her art and craft items in the dining room. I don’t think you can call it stealing if you let her use them and she just hasn’t put them back in their place. Stealing would be if she has taken them out of the house, given them to someone else or thrown them out with the rubbish. Have you asked for your knives back?

You don’t need to give her a reason to move out. No need to lie about selling the house or moving your mum in. You didn’t need to give her a reason why you were looking for a lodger in the first place so you don’t need to give her a reason for the arrangement to be over. Just give her the required notice in writing, have a witness with you as well, and don’t enter into any discussions. After that date that she has to leave if she is still in the house report her to the police as she is trespassing. Any property not taken by her by the deadline to leave will be treated as rubbish and will be bagged up and removed and the cost for that will be deducted fron her deposit. Likewise the cost of cleaning if she doesn’t clean up when she leaves. You need to be a lot more assertive.

I voted YABU because YABU for putting up with her so long! at the bottle of champagne!

Op. Just tell her you now need the house back as a relative is moving in. Give her written notice.

Look give me her number, I’ll do it for you.

You have my sympathies - I had a nightmare lodger and it was horrible.

Look up your rights in respect of giving her notice. Given her behaviour I would feel uncomfortable having her in the house for longer than is absolutely necessary.

Can you enlist a helpful friend or neighbour to come and be nearby when you tell her in case she kicks off. And/ or to hold any valuables that you are concerned about in your absence?

Change the locks when she goes, and if she tries to take any of her stuff then call the police.

england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/eviction/eviction_of_lodgers_and_other_excluded_occupiers

I would also get a lock for your bedroom and any other rooms you don’t want her in the meantime. Remove everything of value (and the rest of the knife set) and ask for the missing items to be returned before she leaves.

Did she sign any form of agreement with a specified notice period (sorry if I’ve missed this). I agree with @needsahouseboy, I think you need to be very clear and follow up any discussion with a confirmation email. I hope you can find it in yourself to be absolutely rigid on the date she has to move out, no concessions. She sounds like the sort of person who is happy to ignore boundaries.

I don’t want to be dramatic but is it possible for you to remain in the house or for someone else to be there throughout her notice period? I consider the taking of the champagne as theft and her willingness to lie about it as a sign that she shouldn’t be left alone especially if she’s pissed off at being give notice. I also agree that the day she leave you should change the locks and deducting the full cost of missing and damaged items. You might want to have a friend around on the moving out day just to reinforce the message because it sounds like she’s decided you can be disregarded and I think she needs outnumbering.

Oh this sounds awful! Of course you must tell her that you think it best if she leaves.

The drinking of the champagne is terrible, and acting as if you have drunk it! She is what they call a cuckoo in the nest - she must leave OP!

@Bluntness100

Op. Just tell her you now need the house back as a relative is moving in. Give her written notice.

Look give me her number, I’ll do it for you.

I need you in my life!! X

She sounds unhinged.

Second what others have said, remove your valuables and definitely don’t leave any financial details or credit cards etc laying around - ensure she cannot access your laptop.

Give her whatever notice you are legally required too, in writing and if you have anyone who can be there - covid permitting - then ask someone to come round when you give her notice.

What an absolute liberty. I’m sorry you’ve come into contact with such a vile piece of work.

@Bluntness100

Look give me her number, I’ll do it for you

I feel like perhaps we should all just go round, and make sure she's gone by the end of the day!

@BunnyMacDougal

How can anyone be this complacent?

Give her notice, get her out, secure all your stuff so she can’t take anything else in the remaining weeks.

Learn from this if you get another lodger in the future- no flexibility outside of the agreed contract terms. Put in a clause prohibiting fans and heaters.

Nasty comment. The OP has explained how she is struggling with her Mum's illness. Be a bit more understanding?

I would lie about the reason she needs to go, actually, so you worry less about her behaviour while she’s still in the house.

I doubt the OP asked for a deposit.....just a hunch, OP am I correct???