Lodger thinks house is hers

[Amy3030]

I have a lodger who has slowly, over time, has made the house hers and I feel like the lodger now. Small changes made, which I put down to, she has to also live here as well, so I accept at the time and say nothing, but when I look at how things are now, I realise I was wrong and my house has been completely taken over in 5 months. I spend time away regularly, and changes always happen when I am not there, now, I have vertually no space in the fridge and freezer, maybe enough for 2 things if I squeeze them in. The front hallways has a massive show rack of 20 shoes. The bathroom is cawash with her products left everywhere, and when i tidy up, the next day, they are put back to where they were before. The dining room has been taken over, it is now an arts and crafts room, with units, table full of a hundred items, bottles everywhere, it is completely unuasable now and is her spare room. She does about 5 or 6 loads of washing a week, so is always 2 clothes racks full and drying all over the kitchen and front room. Now she has put expensive fan heaters in 2 rooms without asking me and I pay all ther bills, and at night, the noise from her bedroom fan heater keeps me awake, it is like a swarm of bees humming. And she takes baths twice a week, using 36 ltrs of water instead of a shower , using just 6ltrs. A few weeks ago, I noticed my bottle of champagne, which she knew about, I'd been saving for 20 years and is 25 years old and worth hundreds of pounds, it was opened and put away with a glass left. When I confronted her she said she knew nothing about it, and just hoped I would quesion myself over it, but I certainly didn't open it after saving it for 20 years. I looked in the black bags in the outside bin and I found the top cage to the champagne and the cover paper, so it was opened in the last week. And my kitchen chef knives are slowly dissapearing, have lost 2 already. When I go away for weekend to look after my sick mother, I dont want to go home. I say to people, I dont have a home anymore. I have even stayed out in the cold in the city to stop going home. I spend most of my time depressed and sometimes crying, and working out how to tell her to leave.

My mother had brain surgery remove a blood clot, and then had a stroke, I have been looking after her when i could, so my mind has been on other things, a lot of worries, so I haven't been at my strongest

Wow, this is the start of a creepy thriller movie.

Options a. Tell her to clear her stuff of your dining room, you want extra money for the heating bills and she owes you a pricey bottle of champagne or b. Tell her you don’t want a lodger anymore and give her notice.

She is stealing from you. She has to go!

Give the notice today. Email so you've put it in writing. It's always your choice. If she questions it say 'my circumstances have changed due to personal matters I won't be discussing further'.

That sounds tough, you have obvioulsy had an a very stressful time and this lodger has abused your vulnerability. The champagne would be the last straw, she has stolen from you and lied. She is a lodger and I would get her out before christmas

I wouldn't feel guilty about your decision op, from an unbiased view she has taken over your house and absolutely has no respect for you or your home!

I'm sorry to hear about your mum and hope everything changes for the better for you.

Some good advice here op. Be strong. Give her notice and get her gone. Don’t enter into a debate - she will no doubt go down some emotional blackmail route if she doesn’t want to go (and why would she when she is stealthily taking over your house!) The relief of her going will be enormous. (When you feel able, if you need the income consider another lodger but maybe not right away).

4 weeks is very generous and also I'd bet anything she will say she cant find a new place at Christmas and you'll be lumbered till jan.

The taking over shows she's a piss taker and she has, no offense, found herself a vulnerable landlady she can abuse. Look up cuckooing.

She has cuckooed to, and has started stealing from you. 3 days notice is kind in those circumstances. Don't leave the house unattended till she's out or she'll steal more. Call the police if she refuses to leave peacefully on day 3.

It's going to be shit whenever you do it. Get her out asap. Then look at why you were vulnerable to this type of abusive behaviour and maybe look at some help with that.

All the best, op, but take back control of your home.

(((Hugs))) Amy that sounds awful, your home is meant to be your safe haven. I agree with PP, it might be too late to pull back to a space that you’re comfortable again, so you need to bite the bullet and tell her to leave.

And take some time to write down what you are happy with so you can be completely clear before getting a new lodger in (even practice how you would address an issue sooner) because I think you may find yourself reluctant to take another one and if its an important part of your income you’ll want to ‘get back on the horse’ as it were but in a more confortable position.

This is your house. Your hard earned money pays for it. She has absolutely no respect for you. Doesn't think twice about stealing from you (knives, champagne). She is a freeloading liar and thief.
Give notice today. Don't apologise.
Be firm. Unflinching eye contact. You will be strong. "This is not working. You need to be gone by X date. I want all your stuff shifted from MY dining room this weekend. Anything of yours left in there Monday morning will be binned. And either return my knives or replace them." Hand her an envelope with it in writing & also email or text it to her so she can't say that you said a different date/never gave her notice/any other excuse. Take no excuses. Stand your ground. Say nothing that she can bargain with.
Then sit back & look forward to getting your house back. Can you get a friend to stay when you have to go away? Or move your mum in for a few weeks? She could stay in your (now empty) dining room 😁
You can do this. Mumsnet is behind you!

Its your house give her notice to leave immediately, you do not need to say why just that you need the room back, and the dining room back.
I've had to get piss taking lodgers to leave a couple of times.
Make sure you lock up your valuables, the last lodger stole my jewellery on the way out.

Kick her out.

I can’t believe she drank your bottle of champagne and you didn’t kick up a fuss.

Unplug the heaters. Dump her stuff back in her room.

Tbh... after stealing from you like that and lying about it, you have cause to kick her out now.

One week is ok, two weeks reasonable for a lodger.

I'd tell her she needs to be out definitely before Christmas.

DON'T be away when she goes and have someone there with you, in case she steals something. Someone this entitled isn't good news.

Do you need a lodger? Your entire post screams that you're just not suited to this - you need to be able to be firm, keep some distance, and be ruthless when you need to! It's INSANE that this has got this far - if you can stand up to a lodger, don't have one.

*can't

Just let her know the arrangement no longer works and give her notice - tell her you are selling the house to move in with your Mum or something - anything to get her out

Has she signed some sort of lodger's contract? Surely you need to give a month's notice? Are people on here seriously considering three days?

Also OP, are you financially okay to go without a lodger for a month or two? Because you're quite unlikely to find someone new just before Christmas.

Fucking hell I missed the bit about the champagne.

My blood is boiling for you. I'd seriously have a friend there while you tell her - you found the opened top, her choices are to get the fuck out in two days or you will be billing her for the cost.

I have voted YABU simply because you are being unreasonable for putting up with this and should just kick her out.

Tell her she's out because she stole from you. Check with a legal person but surely notice periods shouldn't apply in those circumstances

This woman is bullying you, she has tested the waters slowly and now she knows you won't do anything has completely taken over your home. The very fact that she drank the Champagne and then lied about it shows she has no respect for you whatsoever and doesn't expect you to do anything. Things will only get worse (if possible) if you don't get her out NOW. If you are not strong enough to face her directly either put it in an email (and a printed copy in her room so she can't deny receiving it). Or PM me your details and I will come and stand with you when we tell her she is leaving, I don't know where you live but I have a car and it's a genuine offer, I cannot abide people like this. Don't give her a month give her the bare mininum. She know's you are in a bad place and not strong and expect her to refuse to leave/make excuses. Stand strong.

Do you have a friend or relative who could be present in the background when you let her know she has to leave? You just seem so amenable whereas she seems naturally pushy!

Also, after you speak to her, send an email recapping your conversation and the date she has to be out by.

Bloody hell give the cheeky asshole her notice. Don't give her a chance, that's the height of disrespect. Grow a backbone OP and get mad!

God get her out! She sounds awful.

I would give her 2 days and not a day more. I would also be changing the locks the minute her arse is out the door.