Lodger thinks house is hers

[Amy3030]

I have a lodger who has slowly, over time, has made the house hers and I feel like the lodger now. Small changes made, which I put down to, she has to also live here as well, so I accept at the time and say nothing, but when I look at how things are now, I realise I was wrong and my house has been completely taken over in 5 months. I spend time away regularly, and changes always happen when I am not there, now, I have vertually no space in the fridge and freezer, maybe enough for 2 things if I squeeze them in. The front hallways has a massive show rack of 20 shoes. The bathroom is cawash with her products left everywhere, and when i tidy up, the next day, they are put back to where they were before. The dining room has been taken over, it is now an arts and crafts room, with units, table full of a hundred items, bottles everywhere, it is completely unuasable now and is her spare room. She does about 5 or 6 loads of washing a week, so is always 2 clothes racks full and drying all over the kitchen and front room. Now she has put expensive fan heaters in 2 rooms without asking me and I pay all ther bills, and at night, the noise from her bedroom fan heater keeps me awake, it is like a swarm of bees humming. And she takes baths twice a week, using 36 ltrs of water instead of a shower , using just 6ltrs. A few weeks ago, I noticed my bottle of champagne, which she knew about, I'd been saving for 20 years and is 25 years old and worth hundreds of pounds, it was opened and put away with a glass left. When I confronted her she said she knew nothing about it, and just hoped I would quesion myself over it, but I certainly didn't open it after saving it for 20 years. I looked in the black bags in the outside bin and I found the top cage to the champagne and the cover paper, so it was opened in the last week. And my kitchen chef knives are slowly dissapearing, have lost 2 already. When I go away for weekend to look after my sick mother, I dont want to go home. I say to people, I dont have a home anymore. I have even stayed out in the cold in the city to stop going home. I spend most of my time depressed and sometimes crying, and working out how to tell her to leave.

Give notice although not allowing a bath a couple of times weeks is a bit ott , showers only save water if you are in them a short time,
All other things she has done are out of order especially the champagne and to lie about it after

YABU if you don't confront her over this.

She’s got to go! Tell her to leave plain and simple. Also, seems like she knows that your a nice person and is taking the piss.

Why are you being such a doormat? Seriously you need to stand up for yourself. I know it is hard OP, but she's only doing this because you are allowing her to

She needs to leave, tell her as soon as possible and give her the minimum amount of notice required for lodgers. She is doing some of this deliberately and wants you to feel unstable, absolutely get rid of her.

I had a flat mate like this. He wouldn’t flush the toilet, left me no space in the fridge, left his stuff lying so I couldn’t get a seat In living room, left all the lights on when going out, left all his dishes in the sink for days, he would put a wash on then forget to take it out so it would end up being washed two or three times and he was generally an absolutely slob. So I really feel for the OP. That was a flat share, I have my own house now and there is no way I would put up with that again. Not in my house. No way.

Yes, can you afford to give her some kind of financial incentive to leave? Sounds like the quicker she's gone the better.

@viccytwiffy

you can check my credentials references and cv... I dont think its that crazy an idea - just like hiring someone to do something.. you wouldnt have to be made at all....its a perfectly sane and brilliant idea..

I refer to the above as as an example of the Posh Spice Rule. If you have to say it (in this case 'sane') it probably isn't true.

You've been more than generous with 4 weeks notice. Cut it down if she causes you serious problems during that time.

Good for you.

She sounds VERY cheeky and is replaceable.
Before she goes, just watch out that she doesn’t pack some of your stuff with hers and I suggest you give notice just after she has paid the months rent upfront as well.

Hope she goes quietly!

A classic case of Narcissism, it's challenging to deal with an individual of this calibre. However, complex the person's mind may be DON'T MAKE IT YOUR PROBLEM.

First, you need to pick yourself up, be strong, look at your values, your needs and be ready to take control of your space. I FACED A VERY SIMILAR SITUATION BEFORE WITH AN INDIVIDUAL.

The difficulty here is you have allowed it to escalate to such an extent, to reverse this situation will cause heavy disagreement and even arguments ON A RELUGAR BASIS. If you want to resolve this from now, you must be prepared to PICK YOURSELF UP AND BE STRONG to communicate your needs and NOT TO WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING she says. Her opinion is NOT relevant or essential or even NOT important to you, a narcissist would throw their opinion on you, criticise you, blame you for ANY REASON just to get back at you to demoralise you in an attempt to get you to back down on your request, but DON'T BUY INTO HER MARKETING CAMPAIGN, IT'S ALL IRRELEVANT TO YOU.
You need to make it known to her that you are uncomfortable with her behaviour (with her things everywhere) and need to look at removing her possessions to allow you with enough private and comfortable space.
DON'T MAKE EXCUSES TO HER BUT LET HER KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL. IF SHE IS A NARCISSIST, she will NOT show any understanding because these are the traits; abusive, dominating, territorial takeover etc...she WILL ignore you and YOU WOULD NEED TO TAKE LEGAL ADVICE TO REMOVE HER.
The aim is to give her NOTICE to leave, ask her to start looking for another place, GIVE HER SPECIFIC TIME LIMIT 1-2 months. Remember if you are dealing with a NARCISSIST, she will NOTobey your notice period, EXPECT IT so you are not disappointed. Remember don't engage in a conversation, do NOT listen to any of her excuses, focus ONLY ON YOUR AGENDA AND STICK TO IT. Don't even think of being nice about your needs, just put it as it is and DEMAND your agenda and stick to it, DON'T ANSWER ANY OF HER QUESTION AS IT ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE MANIPULATED. DON'T SHOW ANY SIGN OF WEAKNESS, DON'T APOLOGISE FOR WHAT YOU ARE ASKING, DO NOT RE-AGREE OR NEGOTIATE WHAT YOU ASKED OR SAID. Prepare yourself mentally with all the possible outcome, so it has a minimal effect as it develops, expand or elaborate.

* Also, look at your LEGAL RIGHTS, is the house on the correct mortgage policy? Seek legal advice at the CAB asap if you have a mortgage.

You may need to get several members of your families involved to help, support and as witnesses.
If you believe in God, ask for the Lord's help, it's time to exercise your faith.

Good Luck

Give her notice, do an inventory (of missing items), deduct from her bond. Reason: it is personal & not her concern.
I had a lodger years ago, who nicked my food, on giving them their notice things started disappearing & they used the landline to phone overseas family. Deducted what I knew (gave him the list). When he’d left got the phone Bill, said he’d pay - didn’t. One phone call to his employer & he paid. X

Take any valuables to your mams. Give her notice, bring cardboard boxes home, take no shit. If she starts the mumsnet gang will burn an effigy

Careful how you tell her if the chef’s knives are disappearing 😯 it’s like the hand that rocks the cradle... but without the cradle. She’s definitely going to leave a poo in your wardrobe.

Remove your valuables from the house, or get a good lock on your door and store things there.
Buy a small safe.
Protect your hand bag.

Deduct the cost of the champagne and knives from her deposit.
Get someone to be with you.
Put a pin code in your landline.
I am sure that you can think of other things.

I .have had lodgers for years and your one isn't typical.
It will stand you in good stead your next lodger. But for now, maybe have a break.
I do feel for you.
Let us know how it goes.

I've been a lodger before and the person who owned the house put back in my room anything I left anywhere else in the flat.

@Snowdrop30, this is normal for lodgers, as they are not flatmates. Perhaps if the OP had done this, the situation wouldn't have got as out of hand as it did.

@Primelife, 1-2 months notice? You're joking, aren't you?

I’ll be your alibi over the champagne. A good Champagne would not only have been drinkable, it would have been lovely even at 25 years. My partner and I buy from the years around yours and I’m yet to open one that has gone off. I would have billed her current price!

Should say good VINTAGE year. If it’s a 1995 Dom Perignon, Krug, Crystal, etc I’d expect to pay at least £400 (if I could afford it!) and would definitely be drinkable now.

Its not just the cost though. You could take the cost of replacing from any deposit she’s paid (if this is legally allowed anyway) but it’s the sentimental memory attached to it. You can’t replace that by visiting a wine broker 😞

@Crankley

I actually have to thank the OP and other posters who have described nightmare experiences with lodgers. I'm retired, live alone, have a spare room and could do with the money. I did contemplate a lodger but reading this and other threads and realising I enjoy living by myself and would hate someone else sharing, has completely put me off the idea.

It can work the other way. DSis lodged with someone who was so obsessive about her furniture that she covered all the surfaces with some sort of film. She turned off the internet at 10 pm and had strict rules about which days of the week lodgers could do their washing. When they cooked, all the pans had to be washed up and put away before they could start eating. She had strict rules about them having to put down newspaper to stand on in the bathroom, and that they must take their shoes off on entry to the house and put them onto a shoe rack with any laces tucked inside. And so on, and so on.

DSis was so miserable that she gave a week's notice after ten days and left that evening. Apparently the landlady was terribly surprised and commented that no-one had left that quickly before, which unsurprisingly rather suggested that she had a lot of lodgers who didn't stay long.

Oh, dear. The only thing left to do, I believe, is to tell her to leave. Does she pay nothing to stay there? You might try sitting down with her and giving her a set of hard and firm rules, but 5 months in, I doubt it will help. SO...steel yourself to telling her to go, with a FIRM time limit, then sit down and write out a set of rules for the next lodger, and abide by those without fail.

We teach others how to treat us, and you have, most unfortunately, fallen victim to your own dislike of confrontation. I don't think this is fixable at this point, as the habits are formed, but you can prevent it from happening again!

Best of luck on getting rid of this creeping horror, and on finding a new lodger who can be taught to be respectful of your rules and your home!

Obviously notice - and hide your valuables with a friend until she’s gone. If she nicked the champagne, she’ll be keeping an eye out for anything else she fancies.

Good luck OP. Just think in a few weeks she’ll be gone! Remember you don’t have to get into a debate with her. Just keep repeating “I have decided not to have a lodger anymore”.

Do you have a lovely friend that could stay with you spoil them with meals Chocs and wine. Give minimum notice and say this is not working for you
Be clear on your expectations

Do not give in 🤗