Lodger thinks house is hers

[Amy3030]

I have a lodger who has slowly, over time, has made the house hers and I feel like the lodger now. Small changes made, which I put down to, she has to also live here as well, so I accept at the time and say nothing, but when I look at how things are now, I realise I was wrong and my house has been completely taken over in 5 months. I spend time away regularly, and changes always happen when I am not there, now, I have vertually no space in the fridge and freezer, maybe enough for 2 things if I squeeze them in. The front hallways has a massive show rack of 20 shoes. The bathroom is cawash with her products left everywhere, and when i tidy up, the next day, they are put back to where they were before. The dining room has been taken over, it is now an arts and crafts room, with units, table full of a hundred items, bottles everywhere, it is completely unuasable now and is her spare room. She does about 5 or 6 loads of washing a week, so is always 2 clothes racks full and drying all over the kitchen and front room. Now she has put expensive fan heaters in 2 rooms without asking me and I pay all ther bills, and at night, the noise from her bedroom fan heater keeps me awake, it is like a swarm of bees humming. And she takes baths twice a week, using 36 ltrs of water instead of a shower , using just 6ltrs. A few weeks ago, I noticed my bottle of champagne, which she knew about, I'd been saving for 20 years and is 25 years old and worth hundreds of pounds, it was opened and put away with a glass left. When I confronted her she said she knew nothing about it, and just hoped I would quesion myself over it, but I certainly didn't open it after saving it for 20 years. I looked in the black bags in the outside bin and I found the top cage to the champagne and the cover paper, so it was opened in the last week. And my kitchen chef knives are slowly dissapearing, have lost 2 already. When I go away for weekend to look after my sick mother, I dont want to go home. I say to people, I dont have a home anymore. I have even stayed out in the cold in the city to stop going home. I spend most of my time depressed and sometimes crying, and working out how to tell her to leave.

Oh OP that’s not on. She’s taken things way too far. Yes you’ve let her get away with some of it but she knows this isn’t ok and is walking all over you. She needs to be gone. I hope you manage to get her out quickly.

You need to tell her to leave for your own sanity. What she is doing is not right, it's your home not hers.

You need to confront her.

Sit her down and list all the changes and end with saying "I know you opened my champagne as I've been saving it for 20 years and I found the evidence in the outside bin, why you told such a stupid lie is beyond me, add that to the fact that you've taken over my entire house ......... is now the result".

Then decide what the result will be. She can either return your house to it's original state and replace the champagne or she can have 3 months notice and consider herself lucky.

Just because you're away a lot does not mean she can do as she pleases and it's time you reminded her of this.

People never cease to amaze me over their sheer CF.

@steppemum makes some very good points

Maybe you need some support to witness you giving her formal written notice so that she doesn’t refuse point blank to leave and she knows you have someone to support you , particulary as you have depression . Good Luck

Tell her to go, she sounds like she’s turning into a bunny boiler.

You are being gaslighted. Get her out, get family, friend or colleague to support you. Out before Christmas.

Jesus kick her out!!!

She’s got too comfortable because you’re away a lot. Changing things and using all the space in freezer etc is not acceptable.
Give her notice and say you’ve decided to be lodger free for a while.

@CoffeeBeansGalore

This is your house. Your hard earned money pays for it. She has absolutely no respect for you. Doesn't think twice about stealing from you (knives, champagne). She is a freeloading liar and thief. Give notice today. Don't apologise. Be firm. Unflinching eye contact. You will be strong. "This is not working. You need to be gone by X date. I want all your stuff shifted from MY dining room this weekend. Anything of yours left in there Monday morning will be binned. And either return my knives or replace them." Hand her an envelope with it in writing & also email or text it to her so she can't say that you said a different date/never gave her notice/any other excuse. Take no excuses. Stand your ground. Say nothing that she can bargain with. Then sit back & look forward to getting your house back. Can you get a friend to stay when you have to go away? Or move your mum in for a few weeks? She could stay in your (now empty) dining room 😁 You can do this. Mumsnet is behind you!

@Amy3030 - this. Esp the bit about the knives. I’d remove your remaining ones, plus any other valuable items you have in the meantime too. Good luck - you can do this.

If you struggle write it down and photo copy, then give her the written notice to leave. Hand her the letter and walk away.

Be careful she may change the locks on you. Get her out!

She's full on cuckooing, what an awful person doing this to you, especially when your mum isn't well. Hope you're OK x

I would have increased her rent so she cant afford to stay any longer and leaves herself. A thousand pound please...
I hate confrontation so would have put it in writing and then hid myself away till she buggered off. Out of curiosity.. is she gonna be someone you see after you evict her? Like does she bother with your friends or family? Hope it's a clean smooth exit for you.

this is fantastic for you on some levels..: when she has moved out, you will experience your home anew- i dont know how long she has lived with you, but when you get your home back it will be the most amazing experience... its almost worth going through this to be able to find yourself again, and where better to do that than your own home... there are many options... perhaps you have a small budget... if so, can you stay with a friend and ask another friend to move in whilst the notice period ends, also your friend can deliver the news to her.... you needn't give her any reasons...if you have to, say you are selling the house .... so here's my final suggestion - if you'd like, I would be happy to come and stay and you can come and live in my London home (a swap) and I will live there - i work online so i dont need to leave the house... and then we can swap back after i have supervised her departure.... what do you think?

An entertaining read! I found myself in a similar situation myself, being away from home a lot, but I soon found myself saying, "This arrangement is not working. I'm afraid you need to go as soon as possible". She was shocked - weirdly - but left 2 days later. I agree with those who say don't bother giving her reasons, don't enter discussions. I tried to explain to mine that I'd only rented her a room, not the run of the house, etc, but waste of time, and stressful. You'll feel so happy when she's gone. Good luck!

Any3030, this is appalling behaviour on your lodgers behalf and you cannot let it continue.

Without a doubt as a Carer for a sick and elderly parent you haven’t been firing on all cylinders. What were the original agreements, a house share or room to let?

@RainingBatsAndFrogs

You could do this two ways: "I am extremely unhappy about your drinking my champagne while I was away, and I no longer want a lodger, so I am asking you to move out, the sooner the better, but no longer than 4 weeks"

or

"Really sorry, lodger, there is no easy way to say this, but I need to give you notice. I feel now that I have come to the end of wanting to have a lodger, I need my space and time alone in my space when I come back from visiting my Mum and sharing just doesn't suit my needs at the moment. So please accept 4 weeks notice - I hope you find somewhere quickly. Obviously if you find somewhere sooner I won't take the whole 4 weeks rent"

what should she be so pleasant! She needs to tell them to fuck off because they’re taking the piss

I feel sick with anxiety for you. But, I hear this story over and over from friends. The contract has to be very specific and water tight otherwise people do this. Good luck. Plesae tell us how you get on

I’m so very sorry, this person has obviously taken advantage of your good nature.
Once your home is your gone again I’m sure you will feel so much better.

if you'd like, I would be happy to come and stay and you can come and live in my London home (a swap) and I will live there - i work online so i dont need to leave the house... and then we can swap back after i have supervised her departure.... what do you think?

I think OP would have to be mad to take a stranger up on this.
Gave me a laugh, tho.

you can check my credentials references and cv... I dont think its that crazy an idea - just like hiring someone to do something.. you wouldnt have to be made at all....its a perfectly sane and brilliant idea..

Poor poor you. Sounds horrendous. And after everything even the shower/bath thing and the smaller things turn into big things. And people that get lodgers mainly do it for the income and to pay the bills so anything that is adding to the electric and gas will add to the financial pressure. The fact that she didn’t admit to the champagne confirms she’s a taker and a liar. She could have least replaced it. Get your house back, change the locks, have a few months of you time and start again. Good luck!

Good luck and stand your ground!

i fancy myself as a bit of beef... I could show this woman the door....I am 5ft 3... but well spoken.... I cant wait to get rid of this woman... the absolute audacity...the champagne story - unbeleivable.